Do you consider this rude?

It's a tad narcissistic--though if you want a party, and don't think you'll get one any other way then, go for it. Though, that would be a bit of a bummer if no one showed up.

But why wait for your birthday, do you need a reason to throw a party...? How 'bout hey it's Thursday!

So you only get parties if other people throw them for you? What if your friends are busy or disorganized? Or they don't all know each other?

I've definitely been to parties people have thrown for their own birthdays. But even though it's their birthday, the party is more about getting all their friends together to have fun. The host usually does all the work, getting food ready, etc. The guests just show up. And we've reached the age where you bring booze/food instead of gifts--which you usually do anyway going to a party.

Nah, I don't think so, if it's like: I'd love to spend time with all of you on my birthday, so let me cook for you and we'll all have cake!

If you're throwing a party for your guests to enjoy everyone's company together, they'll know it, I hope If that's not the main reason, they'll probably know that, too

I don't think it's in the least narcissistic or rude to throw your own birthday party in which you provide the food and drinks for your friends. Actually, I think that's rather nice (as long as you aren't trolling for gifts, in which case, yeah, it's rude).

Nor, for that matter, do I think it's rude to host a pot luck with close friends where you provide something substantial and they all bring something to eat as well. (Ditto on the gift thing.) I'd keep this one to very close friends, though.

And if you can afford it, I don't think it's rude to throw your own birthday party at a restaurant and treat everyone. (Ditto on the gift thing.)

Here's what I do think is narcissistic: throwing your own birthday party at a restaurant and expecting your friends to take you out. Way too many people do this nowadays.

Sorry, your friends have to initiate something like that. Moreover, even if you plan to pay for yourself, no fair getting huffy if you pick an expensive place, and some of your friends decline because they can't afford it. (I know someone who routinely picks places where the tab invariably runs past a hundred dollars a person, despite the fact that a couple of her friends make very little money. I stopped going to her "parties" long ago just because they pissed me off.)

And absolutely, if you throw your own birthday bash, wherever you do it -- you do not expect gifts. Period. You are an adult, not an 8-year-old. Make it clear you just want the joy of their company, and you are celebrating their friendship.

Marian Perera said:

Apparently it's a huge no-no to host your own birthday party,

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Lol whut?

Everyone I know organises their own shindig in whatever way they want

If anyone said anything else, I'd be totally non-plussed

Wouldn't it be narcissistic to expect others to do it for you?


Consider me boggled

I am wondering if they what they meant was the type that piss me off -- the birthday person picks a restaurant, and demands her friends take her out for dinner there. Yeah, I hate those. But I don't see how it's ever rude to cook for your friends and ask for the pleasure of hosting them.

It could go either way.

Nothing rude or narcissistic about hosting a birthday party for yourself.

But expecting people to bring you gifts or pay for your dinner, yeah, no, don't do that.

Yeah, agree, that if you do throw a party for your own birthday, the tab should be on you, and that includes telling them not to bring gifts. 'Course, I don't know how you actually prevent them from doing so. And anyway, these people are supposed to be your friends, right? So any excuse to get together and party should be okay.

Well, maybe if you were all, "Hey it's my B-day now bring me presents." then, that might be kinda rude.

If it were nobody would show up...right?

But seeing how people love to party, I bet they'd show.

What's wrong with being self-absorbed etc. on that one day of the year that is about your existence?
Also, birthday parties are like everything else in life - don't rely on others fixing your kicks for you. Ever since I've grown out of children's birthdays with parents dragging their kids to my backyard, nobody was EVER, until that one time in 2013, thrown me a party. Pretty lonely.

I also don't know what country that site is managed from. Neither in Germany, nor Israel for example, is it rude for either the birthday person or someone from their entourage, to host the party, surprise or not. As long as there's a party.

Also, it depends on how much you're making it "Me, me, me". If you're gonna be like Dandy from AHS demanding everyone give you attention all the time, then yeah, you're a douche. But other than that, I don't see the issue. People need to worry less about etiquette without the belief in which less offense might actually be going around, and more ab out enjoying stuff.

I briefly lived in Germany years ago, and I was told it was a custom for the birthday person to provide a cake for her friends. I'm not sure if it really is a general German custom or not (I'm sure we have some German members who could tell us); I do know that at the school where I was student teaching in Dusseldorf, the German teachers did bring in cakes on their own birthdays. I thought it was a very nice little custom.

I have on several occasions had friends over for dinner on my birthday -- I provided everything, and made it clear it gifts were forbidden.


ETA:

On the forbidding gifts thing? It helps to remind people, really nicely, that if they do override your request and bring a gift, they'll be embarrassing the people who respect your request, and that you truly are sincere about needing and wanting nothing but their excellent company. I generally throw in a joke about being, in any case, unable to squeeze another item into my small apartment.

Miss Manners would say that one shouldn't mention gifts at all, but alas, I've found if you don't, nowadays everyone assumes you're trolling for gifts and acts accordingly. Damn the gift-trollers who've made this assumption so universal. I'm not just being nice -- I REALLY DON'T WANT GIFTS!

I used to work for a woman who, when it was her birthday, would go around complimenting people on their possessions and saying things like "don't you want to give it to me? It's my birthday you know!" It was actually kind of cute. She both meant it, and didn't. But it gave me a good example of someone who had zero shame about asking for things just because she wanted them -- asking, mind you, not demanding or expecting.

It was refreshing.

When it's my birthday, I have no hesitation asking for stuff. And I might even give a party, except I don't especially like parties these days.

I actually feel rather strongly about not wanting to get into the habit of exchanging birthday gifts with friends. I have quite a few friends, and many of them know each other. It would get damn expensive and time-consuming in very short order, with everyone ending up with a pile of stuff, most of which they really don't want or need.

Call me the grinch, but I've put a firm kibosh on gift exchanges with friends. If you get married or have a baby, you'll get a gift. You might also get something spontaneous if I happen to see something I know you'll absolutely love. But the whole routine exchange every year? Yeah, I'm not into it. I don't want yours. And you won't get one from me.

ETA:

I do sometimes throw parties for close friends' birthdays. I'm always happy to provide food for people. Just ixnay on the iftsgay, please.

CassandraW said:

I actually feel rather strongly about not wanting to get into the habit of exchanging birthday gifts with friends. I have quite a few friends, and many of them know each other. It would get damn expensive and time-consuming in very short order, with everyone ending up with a pile of stuff, most of which they really don't want or need.

Call me the grinch, but I've put a firm kibosh on gift exchanges with friends. If you get married or have a baby, you'll get a gift. You might also get something spontaneous if I happen to see something I know you'll absolutely love. But the whole routine exchange every year? Yeah, I'm not into it. I don't want yours. And you won't get one from me.

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Well, okay then. So, this one of a kind, diamond-encrusted cudgel I special ordered for you for your birthday, I'll just keep it then.

Kylabelle said:

Well, okay then. So, this one of a kind, diamond-encrusted cudgel I special ordered for you for your birthday, I'll just keep it then.

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oooh, I do kind of want the cudgel. I could totally hurt someone with a diamond-encrusted one...

Heh. Something like that might very well fall into the special spontaneous category for me! I do often see something randomly I know someone would love, and then it's really fun to get it for them. I just don't care for the routine expectation of "it's-her-birthday-so-I've-got-to-get-something-damn-it-and-I've-no-idea-what-to-get."

My favorite "spontaneous" gift someone got for me was an umbrella. No kidding. I'd told a friend who lives in Mississippi about a see-through bubble umbrella I'd had as a kid, and how much I'd loved it. I noted that I hadn't seen one like it in years, but it would sure come in handy when traversing NYC streets. A couple months later, she mailed me one. She'd seen it in a mall in Jacksonville, and couldn't resist buying it for me. You should have seen the funny tube packaging she mailed it in.

Now, I freaking LOVED everything about that gift. It was thoughtful, it was funny, it was a total surprise, and it's damn useful. I mailed her some homemade cookies to thank her.

Actually, I'm big on the surprise mailing-homemade-cookies-to-people thing. I sent some to my parents recently, and tonight I'm baking a batch to send to a friends' parents (they're very kind to me and treat me like a daughter).

I think I just don't like perfunctory routines, which end up being more about feeling obligated than about the delight of giving and receiving.

I used to have one of those see-through bubble umbrellas! It was very classy, with shiny black trim.

But I'm keeping this cudgel.

Kylabelle said:

I used to have one of those see-through bubble umbrellas! It was very classy, with shiny black trim.

But I'm keeping this cudgel.

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Well, you are a mod, after all. I guess you need one.

Sat Nam! (Literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

It's rude to host your own birthday party? Really?

Amongst Sikhs, it's the height of good manners to throw a shindig on your own birthday, provide the food, and the entertainment. No gifts required. I've only done it once or twice, but only due to scheduling issues.

Seems totally reasonable to me.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal