Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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Nekko

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[FONT=&quot]Late at night, Audrey sat by the window and looked up at the starry night sky. God, she wished her life was different. She wished she wasn’t just average at everything.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Teen being a teen. Yup. Too bad she doesn't know she's half-demon yet.
[/FONT]

Hmm, I feel the angst, but it was your explanation afterwards that got me hooked. Do we get hints at her demon half soon?
 

CaPooF

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Very nice. Very grabby. I would split the third sentence into two so it would read: I go all out, sweating, swaying, closing my eyes and just feeling it. It takes me into blah, blah.

But hey, that's just me. It's probably fine like it is. :)

Thanks, WriteMinded, I appreciate the feedback!

Paige
 

JoBird

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Here are my first three:

Kymric wasn’t a monster; he wasn’t an evil aberration that society needed protection from. He was a gift-giver, a good man, a living apostle to the four tribes. Even Constable Reeves had trouble accepting his guilt, and he had seen the dining room full of dead bodies.
 

Quentin Nokov

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The rising smoke and roaring flames could be seen miles away from the small village. The smell of burnt flesh filled the air like a thick mist, choking anyone imprudent enough to come close. Less than an hour previously; loud screams resonated through the air; the meaty sound of necks snapping following soon after.

I do like this, but I agree the last sentence seemed sort of abrupt. It was the introductory of 'Less than an hour previously' that jarred the flow. Maybe something like, The meaty sound of necks snapping lifted over screams that had resonated through the air [less than an hour previously]. Also, I'd remove 'loud' because screams are typically loud. :)

Never trust a troll living in a drain pipe.
My father's advice had never made any sense. Trolls brought to mind lumbering giants with clubs, who bashed in children’s skulls like an after dinner game. Not dwarf-sized creatures living in wet, fetid pipes underneath suburban homes.
Love the voice of this. Would definitely read on. The first line makes me think that this will be a fun story to follow.

Kymric wasn’t a monster; he wasn’t an evil aberration that society needed protection from. He was a gift-giver, a good man, a living apostle to the four tribes. Even Constable Reeves had trouble accepting his guilt, and he had seen the dining room full of dead bodies.
Not sure if I really like this opening or not. Seems sort of info-dumpy. Beginning with 'Kymric wasn't a monster' sounds almost cliche or at least I know what to expect. I also wasn't keen on ending the sentence with 'from', it didn't sound right in my head.
 

KyraDune

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Hi KyraDune,

that's a lot to digest, and I don't know if I can do it all justice in one go, so I'll just say that perhaps a little more variation in sentence lengths and rhythm would benefit the first three starts. The third felt slightly cluttered in its final sentence; then again I'm not a big reader of epic fantasy, so wait for an ideal reader to give their impression before you change something. :)vThe last two I liked better; the final one most of all (I think because the first sentence conveys action, place and character so effectively). Well done.

cheers
Julie

Thanks
 

ccarver30

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Really finely written, C.P. Foster, but I felt you might shorten (and sharpen) the part after the dash. We know this is probably a nightclub so I'm not sure you need 'when he showed up at the club'. Maybe just 'when he turned up'? I'd also suggest giving the 'he/him' a name to make it more specific (specificity helps avoid genre clichés).

It's lovely overall. Don't mind my quibbles; they're tiny.

Julie

I disagree that we can infer this is a nightclub. I have read sentences like this before and I picture someone dancing in the skivvies, in their bedroom using a brush as a microphone.
 

weavergirl

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This is the first time I've ever shared anything I've written, so, with some trepidation:

The darkness was not complete. It never was. There was always some glow, some spark to mar the perfection of black.
 

HeavilyMedicated

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Eh, here goes :/:

The guard left the cell, stepping over Oliver's body on the way out. He had come to check for contraband; there was none. Despite that, Oliver earned a kick in the stomach, which he considered symbolic for his entire life.
 

Arthea

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Welp, why not...

Like a bat out of hell, Arthea Kale was running for her life, and she hadn't the slightest idea of whom she was running from. It was definitely not in her head. No, someone was chasing her.
 

Julie Ambrose

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This is the first time I've ever shared anything I've written, so, with some trepidation:

The darkness was not complete. It never was. There was always some glow, some spark to mar the perfection of black.

Hi weavergirl,

I really like the style of the writing. However for me the imagery is a little vague, dwelling on an intangible (black), so as an opening it's perhaps a little soft.

What's your second para, just out of curiosity? Sometimes there can be a gem hiding there...

cheers
Julie
 

weavergirl

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can I add more? I don't want to be pushy. Here's the whole of the first paragraph. It's the first draft, so I imagine it can be improved upon. On that note, I'm off for a hot date with the hubby. Wont be back to the site until Thursday. (I'm planning one hell of a date, hubba, hubba!)

The darkness was not complete. It never was. There was always some glow, some spark to mar the perfection of black. Tonight it was a solitary street lamp. It cast its pale yellow light down onto a nearly abandoned street. Standing within its feeble ring of safety stood two women. These were rough women, hardened by the harsh reality of their lives. Beaten by the world and everyone in it. Their unwashed bodies showed the scared evidence of their nights activity, as they leaned unsteadily against each other.
 

emmalinewestlund

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The current first three sentences of my wip novel:
I have a constant companion. He’s never let me out of his sight for more than a few minutes, even when I’ve slept. His name was Mr. Thomas, and he’s not a normal man. He’s been with my family since just before my 10th birthday, when the shadow people first started to appear.
 

Six Alaric

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Eh, here goes :/:

The guard left the cell, stepping over Oliver's body on the way out. He had come to check for contraband; there was none. Despite that, Oliver earned a kick in the stomach, which he considered symbolic for his entire life.

I like this. It could use a little cleaning up to read more smoothly IMO but the situation has my interest: I'd read on.
 

Jennasis

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It's been a while, but I'll toss in what I'm working on...

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Sweat trickled down between her shoulder blades, the only evidence of her discomfort. She'd stand there all day. Unmoving. On one foot if need be, if for no other reason than she'd been asked to by her superiors[/FONT]
 

jvill

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I need assistance with mine. My first draft is complete and this is my first book.

"[FONT=&quot]Thump … Thump … Thump … The almost metronomic noise had been present ever since I began floating in the effervescent liquid. I haven’t known anything else. The crimson fluid surrounded me like a warm embrace. I was content."[/FONT]
 

BethS

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The current first three sentences of my wip novel:
I have a constant companion. He’s never let me out of his sight for more than a few minutes, even when I’ve slept. His name was Mr. Thomas, and he’s not a normal man. He’s been with my family since just before my 10th birthday, when the shadow people first started to appear.

That's intriguing.

I should point out, though, that you slipped into past tense once. Should be: "His name is Mr. Thomas." And 10th should be tenth.

But otherwise, this is a good opening. It makes me want to keep reading.
 

BethS

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It's been a while, but I'll toss in what I'm working on...

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Sweat trickled down between her shoulder blades, the only evidence of her discomfort. She'd stand there all day. Unmoving. On one foot if need be, if for no other reason than she'd been asked to by her superiors[/FONT]

Interesting. Makes me curious to know more about her situation.

However..."the only evidence of her discomfort" sounds like it's outside her POV. People don't think about themselves in that way. I'd recommend just deleting that phrase.
 

BethS

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I need assistance with mine. My first draft is complete and this is my first book.

"[FONT=&quot]Thump … Thump … Thump … The almost metronomic noise had been present ever since I began floating in the effervescent liquid. I haven’t known anything else. The crimson fluid surrounded me like a warm embrace. I was content."[/FONT]

This has some tense issues. To be consistent, "I haven't known" should be "I hadn't known" or "I'd never known."

The last line is a tension-deflater. If the character is content, what reason do I have to be in suspense about what's going to happen next? I want to see conflict, not contentment.
 

BethS

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can I add more? I don't want to be pushy. Here's the whole of the first paragraph. It's the first draft, so I imagine it can be improved upon. On that note, I'm off for a hot date with the hubby. Wont be back to the site until Thursday. (I'm planning one hell of a date, hubba, hubba!)

The darkness was not complete. It never was. There was always some glow, some spark to mar the perfection of black. Tonight it was a solitary street lamp. It cast its pale yellow light down onto a nearly abandoned street. Standing within its feeble ring of safety stood two women. These were rough women, hardened by the harsh reality of their lives. Beaten by the world and everyone in it. Their unwashed bodies showed the scared evidence of their nights activity, as they leaned unsteadily against each other.

Whose POV is this? Is it omniscient? Or is there an unseen character observing this?
 

BethS

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Eh, here goes :/:

The guard left the cell, stepping over Oliver's body on the way out. He had come to check for contraband; there was none. Despite that, Oliver earned a kick in the stomach, which he considered symbolic for his entire life.

Not bad, but the POV was unclear until the last line.
 

ccarver30

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Victor Whitelaw awoke to the buzzing of his bedside alarm clock. He peeled his Tongue off the roof of his mouth and reached for the glass of water on the cabinet at the side of his bed.He had his usual breakfast of paracetamol and a cigarette and then unsteadily made his way to the bathroom the pounding in his head beating an accompanying tattoo to what had become his normal morning routine.

"Bedside table" or "nightstand" would cut down the description of the cabinet. A cabinet is usually tall- if that is what you are looking for, he would probably need to get out of bed to reach it.

The third sentence is a run-on and the second part of it (head pounding) is too long by itself. I think I would like to see this before his breakfast/bathroom action too. It seems like it would be hurting from the moment he woke up.

/my 1.5 cents
 

KyraDune

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Eh, here goes :/:

The guard left the cell, stepping over Oliver's body on the way out. He had come to check for contraband; there was none. Despite that, Oliver earned a kick in the stomach, which he considered symbolic for his entire life.

I like it, but I agree with BethS. The POV is a little unclear.
 
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