Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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elindsen

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"Mackey woke up at 6:30am on a fine Monday morning. It was fine until he wiped the cob webs out of his eyes to see the usual array or better yet disarray of his crew. Pitiful. Really fucking pitiful.
I like this except for the "fine." Why is it fine? Weather? New promotion? The "fine" seems cliche to me.
 

CajunWriter

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"Galen Winter saw it in the distance, a faint mark of color that fell a subdued shade of red in the grey hues of the Veil. It was moving quickly; the creature galloped towards the town of Bucyrus, now no more than a few miles away. Galen spurred his mount to a faster pace; he had to cut it off before it reached the town, or they'd lose it for sure."

I would keep reading.
 

CajunWriter

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He's an alcoholic, yes, and he's got issues with that particular Tuesday because he's got a nasty hangover. And as a rule he's not so happy with the rest of his life because he's a miserable, self-hating, closeted policeman in Victorian-era London, which was not a great time to be any of those things.

Thank you! :)

Yep, I would read. :)
 

DeleyanLee

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"Daniel McKinnon decided, watching the ceiling rotating above him, that he hated Tuesdays. As his stomach lurched in time with its spin, he decided also that he hated Wednesdays. And probably Thursdays."

I thought this was interesting...

He's an alcoholic, yes, and he's got issues with that particular Tuesday because he's got a nasty hangover. And as a rule he's not so happy with the rest of his life because he's a miserable, self-hating, closeted policeman in Victorian-era London, which was not a great time to be any of those things.

...until you said this was Victorian. This is a time period I've read and researched and enjoyed for many years, and the attitude I see in those sentences comes across as very modern and not Victorian and that throws me out of being interested in reading on. It could just be me, and I'm not sure how to change it, but that's my reaction.

"Mackey woke up at 6:30am on a fine Monday morning. It was fine until he wiped the cob webs out of his eyes to see the usual array or better yet disarray of his crew. Pitiful. Really fucking pitiful.

"he wiped the cob webs out of his eyes"---ewww. I stopped reading at that point. The idea of cob webs in someone's eyes just casts a really unfortunate image for me--little cobspiders (yes, they exist) spinning webs over his face as he slept--ewww.

Is that the image you wanted to plant in my mind as I was reading?

"Galen Winter saw it in the distance, a faint mark of color that fell a subdued shade of red in the grey hues of the Veil. It was moving quickly; the creature galloped towards the town of Bucyrus, now no more than a few miles away. Galen spurred his mount to a faster pace; he had to cut it off before it reached the town, or they'd lose it for sure."

Interesting--tracking a monster through the Veil. I like. I'd probably keep reading.
 

copperbeeches

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I thought this was interesting...until you said this was Victorian. This is a time period I've read and researched and enjoyed for many years, and the attitude I see in those sentences comes across as very modern and not Victorian and that throws me out of being interested in reading on. It could just be me, and I'm not sure how to change it, but that's my reaction.

Hmm. :( I'm not sure what to do about that either, especially since it's only three sentences--I'm not sure if the rest of the paragraph/first paragraphs would still have that feeling to you. Even if they did I'm not really sure how to fix it specifically. I've read and researched it quite a bit myself, but... that doesn't always translate, I suppose.
 
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Wulfen

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"Daniel McKinnon decided, watching the ceiling rotating above him, that he hated Tuesdays. As his stomach lurched in time with its spin, he decided also that he hated Wednesdays. And probably Thursdays."

I like the character and personality that this implies.
 

Wulfen

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"Mackey woke up at 6:30am on a fine Monday morning. It was fine until he wiped the cob webs out of his eyes to see the usual array or better yet disarray of his crew. Pitiful. Really fucking pitiful.

I have to agree with others, what makes this day fine? Just that he woke up?

I think cobwebs could be used better here, maybe something like, "..until he scratched the gunk out of his eyes, much like cobwebs."?

Also not sure on the crew part, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't read on to find out what they messed up. :)
 

theDolphin

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This thread is wonderful fun! I just picked out three that grabbed me from the last page, but will definitely return! I'd like to post my own, too! Intriguing to see some different genres popping up too. Interestingly these few I picked all have elements of humor, though I don't see that as inherently good or bad. But interesting!

"Daniel McKinnon decided, watching the ceiling rotating above him, that he hated Tuesdays. As his stomach lurched in time with its spin, he decided also that he hated Wednesdays. And probably Thursdays."

I really enjoyed this nice little blast of character and humor. I would agree with DeleyanLee that it reads a bit on the contemporary side, however, I think I'd have to read further to see if that carries on stylistically or if it was just the absence of foreknowledge, or reference to the era that made the phrasing sound modern.

Mine's a MG novel...
A cinnamon wedding cake. What a stupid idea.
Seated at the kitchen table with her sandwich untouched before her, Amelia scowled at the cake through the glass oven window. Wedding cakes were supposed to be yellow or white or- at the very wildest- chocolate, but never cinnamon.

I loved this. Jumps right in and gives you a bit of humor and a great understanding of the character and her current plight. Love the image of her "...scowled at the cake through the glass oven window." Good fun!


It's been so fun to read everyone's posts! Here's the first paragraph from my urban paranormal WIP. You're the first to read it, FWIW. ::blushes a little bit::

When the demon showed up, it was the first unexpected thing to happen to Angel Azrael in a thousand years. He was so shocked he stopped what he was doing, his hand half way out of the dead woman’s chest, the soul he’d come to collect pulsing gently in his fist.

Also kickin. Nice punch of plot, humor, character and situation in a tight little package.
 

theDolphin

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This is from my current WIP. My first three end with 'breathin' soup,' but I figured I'd throw in the end of the paragraph.

The castle Ànliclúse, late July and the master gone for more than a month. Heat blanketed everything, smothering the breath of breezes before they could begin. The still air was moist and thick, and as Clover often whined, “loike breathin’ soup.” Too hot for work. Too hot for birdsong. The only sounds, the panting of the dogs beneath the trees and the occasional buzz of a renegade cicada.
 

theshovelbum

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I have to agree with others, what makes this day fine? Just that he woke up?

I think cobwebs could be used better here, maybe something like, "..until he scratched the gunk out of his eyes, much like cobwebs."?

Also not sure on the crew part, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't read on to find out what they messed up. :)

**********************
Thanks everyone....certainly something to think about with my beginning. The character is an archaeological crew leader so he's responsible for the day's digging. These guys all have M.A.'s but they're somewhat irresponsible after a day's work. As for ewwww on the cobwebs....hoss I've woken up after too many adult beverages with what felt like a cinderblock in my head but I still went out and dug like hell that day. I felt fine until I realized what I had done to my brain.........still tho I will take some time to think this use of "fine".

Thanks for giving me your feedback.
 

DeleyanLee

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The castle Ànliclúse, late July and the master gone for more than a month. Heat blanketed everything, smothering the breath of breezes before they could begin. The still air was moist and thick, and as Clover often whined, “loike breathin’ soup.” Too hot for work. Too hot for birdsong. The only sounds, the panting of the dogs beneath the trees and the occasional buzz of a renegade cicada.

You do realize that your first sentence isn't a full sentence, right?

And did you mean "like breathin' soup"? since I'm not sure what "loike" was--but with the name of the castle, it could be a foreign word I just don't know, so I'm confused.

In general, I feel beaten over the head with how hot and icky it is. I got it long before the end of the paragraph. Can we move on to something more interesting, please?
 

DeleyanLee

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The castle Ànliclúse, late July and the master gone for more than a month. Heat blanketed everything, smothering the breath of breezes before they could begin. The still air was moist and thick, and as Clover often whined, “loike breathin’ soup.” Too hot for work. Too hot for birdsong. The only sounds, the panting of the dogs beneath the trees and the occasional buzz of a renegade cicada.

You do realize that your first sentence isn't a full sentence, right?

And did you mean "like breathin' soup"? since I'm not sure what "loike" was--but with the name of the castle, it could be a foreign word I just don't know, so I'm confused.

In general, I feel beaten over the head with how hot and icky it is. I got that fact long before the end of the paragraph (though I do like the breathin' soup line). Can we move on to something more interesting, please?
 

tmso_

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"Daniel McKinnon decided, watching the ceiling rotating above him, that he hated Tuesdays. As his stomach lurched in time with its spin, he decided also that he hated Wednesdays. And probably Thursdays."

Yes, lots of character. But it is vague. Meaning, I have no idea what type of story to expect. I hadn't thought he was a drunk. However, lots of story questions raised and I wouldn't definitely keep reading.
 

tmso_

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"Mackey woke up at 6:30am on a fine Monday morning. It was fine until he wiped the cob webs out of his eyes to see the usual array or better yet disarray of his crew. Pitiful. Really fucking pitiful.

Are we missing a few commas in there? Might want to get rid of the second 'fine' just to avoid using the same word twice. And, I suppose the same with the second 'pitiful'. I know what you are after, but it just seems repetitive so early in the game. Not something a random reader might notice, but I did. Otherwise, it does raise story questions. :)
 

tmso_

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"Galen Winter saw it in the distance, a faint mark of color that fell a subdued shade of red in the grey hues of the Veil. It was moving quickly; the creature galloped towards the town of Bucyrus, now no more than a few miles away. Galen spurred his mount to a faster pace; he had to cut it off before it reached the town, or they'd lose it for sure."

Ah, I'm glad to see Galen back. This does raise some great story questions (just who is this guy that can see through the "Veil" and has the balls enough to chase a monster), but I'd like to see more of Galen's character come through. However, that might be a tall order for three sentences! Either way, I would keep reading. :)
 

theshovelbum

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Are we missing a few commas in there? Might want to get rid of the second 'fine' just to avoid using the same word twice. And, I suppose the same with the second 'pitiful'. I know what you are after, but it just seems repetitive so early in the game. Not something a random reader might notice, but I did. Otherwise, it does raise story questions. :)


Thanks tmso......I'm developing characters further now ( 40K + words) and appreciate your input!
 

tlsclarke

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"I'm sorry Cloudy," Molly said, "I really am, but I just can't do that."

Cloudy Radford sat at the table across from the matron telepath and attempted, somewhat unsuccessfully, to keep his face expressionless. Instead he teased a molar with the tip of his tongue and scanned the surface of the table.
 

theDolphin

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You do realize that your first sentence isn't a full sentence, right?

And did you mean "like breathin' soup"? since I'm not sure what "loike" was--but with the name of the castle, it could be a foreign word I just don't know, so I'm confused.

In general, I feel beaten over the head with how hot and icky it is. I got it long before the end of the paragraph. Can we move on to something more interesting, please?

First, thanks so much for the feedback.
To answer your two questions:
1. Yes, I know about my first sentence.
2. "Loike breathin' soup" is written in Clover's accent, hence the quotes, and yes, it's meant to be like breathing soup.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I get that it hits you over the head with the hot and icky thing. That's really what I was going for. Still, it is really good to get people's perspective and reaction, and thanks again. :)
 

BethS

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"I'm sorry Cloudy," Molly said, "I really am, but I just can't do that."

Cloudy Radford sat at the table across from the matron telepath and attempted, somewhat unsuccessfully, to keep his face expressionless. Instead he teased a molar with the tip of his tongue and scanned the surface of the table.

You kind of lost me at the third sentence. I found myself wanting an answer from Cloudy there, not more description of him.
 

DeleyanLee

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"I'm sorry Cloudy," Molly said, "I really am, but I just can't do that."

Cloudy Radford sat at the table across from the matron telepath and attempted, somewhat unsuccessfully, to keep his face expressionless. Instead he teased a molar with the tip of his tongue and scanned the surface of the table.

The problem with the last sentence isn't that it isn't a dialogue response, but because it's too vague to give a good clue what he's thinking/feeling. "Teased a molar with the tip of his tongue" is a specific detail, but it doesn't relate to any specific emotion so a reader doesn't know what to do with it, so it feels like a non-detail and vague.

Scanning the surface of the table makes me think he might be anxious or nervous, but if that molar teasing (because it's so personal to that specific character we don't know yet) is supposed to add to anxiety, it didn't work.

My personal response is that you have an interesting premise here--I am wondering what the telepath won't do--so I am mildly interested in reading on. That said, if my curiosity isn't peaked about something going on very quickly (like, within a couple of sentences), I'd probably stop reading. As a writer, I think you're missing an opportunity to punch up the word choice a bit so that interested starts out heightened and not be so mild.

Hope that helps.
 

Michel_Cayer

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It all started when Amanda decided to kill her husband. She got the idea from an illustration in a book called Mysteries of the Black Mother. The woodcut image presented a circle of stone, with some sort of stone altar in the center.
 

Blinkk

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It all started when Amanda decided to kill her husband. She got the idea from an illustration in a book called Mysteries of the Black Mother. The woodcut image presented a circle of stone, with some sort of stone altar in the center.

That's probably one of the best intro sentences I've ever read. It's a great start, and the first sentence is really powerful but I find myself wanting to hear more about the death. Jumping right into where she got the idea from is good, but it can be better.

The last two sentence water down the suspense and fear. If you're going for an addictive hook, keep the tension high and keep the readers engaged. Getting the idea from a book is interesting, but I think you can display it much better if you show, don't tell. I don't know how the death plays into the book, but something like this would be more interesting: "His body was nailed to the floor of their living room with a stone alter erected a foot above his head, just like the illustration on page fifty-six of the book, Mysteries of the Black Mother."

Other than that, it's a great start. :D
 
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