Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!
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I wonder if you guys can give me your ideas on what you THINK this book is going to be about, just from the first paragraph (Is that okay? or do you really need just 3 sentences? Apologies in advance). Try to guess, please 
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I wonder if you guys can give me your ideas on what you THINK this book is going to be about, just from the first paragraph (Is that okay? or do you really need just 3 sentences? Apologies in advance). Try to guess, please
I was young. We all were. It was years and years ago and at times, it feels like it happened to someone else. Like maybe something I saw in a dream. But no. The scars are still here. The burns scattered all over. And in my heart of hearts, I know that it was all real. And that it all still is. And that’s why we’re here, dear one. That’s why you need to know.
I think it's a bit too vague to make an accurate guess, but from the referene to scars and burns, I'd say it's an old man telling his granddaughter about a personal tragedy or natural disaster that happened in his youth. Maybe it's a war story. I don't know
I think it's a bit too vague to make an accurate guess, but from the referene to scars and burns, I'd say it's an old man telling his granddaughter about a personal tragedy or natural disaster that happened in his youth. Maybe it's a war story. I don't know
It kinda is a war story, somehow.
. Is it "hooking" enough, despite the vagueness?
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I wonder if you guys can give me your ideas on what you THINK this book is going to be about, just from the first paragraph (Is that okay? or do you really need just 3 sentences? Apologies in advance). Try to guess, please
Looks like a Horror story to me.
Cool! It IS a horror story too, somehow. I guess I'm on the right path then-- setting the right tone, as it were.
It kinda is a war story, somehow.
Is it "hooking" enough, despite the vagueness?
Hmm, personally I'd say not. I got annoyed by the sentence fragments, and it's all 'tell' - but I guess this is the nature of such a framing device. Maybe that's why I don't really like them, unless done ridiculously well. And I mean Steven Pressfield's Gates of Fire, or Tom Holt's Olympiad well.
(First draft)
"Tell me about the Deeds of Lekehta again, Grandmother," Roem said, her head tipping back a fraction from the pull of the bone comb through her hair. She sat cross-legged in front of the old woman, who was perched on the edge of the bed. Nearby, the fire crackled in the center of the floor, casting dancing shadows on the walls of the circular cabin.
Jenny
Who is combing Roem's hair? From the description--the combing causing her head to tip back--I envisioned someone behind her doing the combing. Also, if Grandmother is perched on the edge of the bed and Roem is sitting cross-legged in front of her, then Roem must be sitting on the floor and her head would already be tilting back (probably more than a little) in an effort to look up at Grandmother.
As you see, I read your opening and became focused on all the wrong things. What's important, I should think, is Grandmother's tale, not the logistics of Roem combing her hair, or having it combed.
Use your opening sentences for what really matters: story.
I think it's wordy and repetitive. It will have more power if you condense it.
Just a suggestion to show you:
I was young. We all were. At times, it feels like it happened to someone else, or in a dream. But the scars are here, the burns scattered all over. It was real and still is. And that, dear one, is why you need to know.
As to what kind of story it is...who knows. Could be a story about abuse. Or war.
Actually, that does sound a bit better. I will use a bit of your example, and revise some on my own as well. Thanks!
Well, I kind of like sentence fragments. But I may have overdone it here. I got 50 posts! I will be posting my WIP in SYW in a few. Excited to get critiques-- and a bit scared as well.
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Thanks for the input! I thought I was being clear about the Grandmother combing the girl's hair, who is sitting in front of her, obviously facing away (she can't be getting her hair combed if she's looking at her Grandmother). I'll play around with moving the part about the hair combing a little farther down so it doesn't detract from the girl asking her Grandmother for the story.
Thanks again!
Jenny
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I think for an opening hook, you can condense it a bit then fill in more details later. As an opener, you're trying to get your reader interested. The details can distract a little at this point.
There's nothing wrong with the details but they kind of interfer initially. I'd save them for just a bit, after you hook the reader.
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I'm not a fan of starting stories this way, but I had not problems in terms of clarity and working out who was doing what etc.(First draft)
"Tell me about the Deeds of Lekehta again, Grandmother," Roem said, her head tipping back a fraction from the pull of the bone comb through her hair. She sat cross-legged in front of the old woman, who was perched on the edge of the bed. Nearby, the fire crackled in the center of the floor, casting dancing shadows on the walls of the circular cabin.
Jenny
Well, as you saw, I did not envision that at all!
You never said Grandmother was combing her hair or that they were both on the bed. You did say Grandmother was perched on the edge of the bed, so how could Roem be sitting in front of her?
Yeah, you need to make it clearer.
He mustn't make a nuisance of himself. Aunt Cordelia had placed him on the topmost garden step and told him to sit still. Marvin huddled up to watch.
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I feared that might be the case, that's why I put it up here. So thanks!
I thought the rythm was better this way, but of course, clarity trumps everything. I'll rewrite.
Hiya!
I've decided to start my story with this scene. Oh, it's five sentences instead of three.
[FONT="]Hank didn’t really notice the sounds of spades going into the ground, nor the sour stench emanating from the men digging the hole. He didn’t pay attention to the minister standing beside a rough wooden coffin, his eyes intent on the gates of the graveyard, where large bands of rioters passed by. His mind ignored the distant shrieks of laughter, the yelling, the flickering of torches and focused itself on the one fact his universe now revolved around. His mother was dead, killed by the same thugs that roamed the streets. And if that wasn’t enough to deal with; he was pretty sure he himself was the cause of his mother’s death.[/FONT]
I've decided to start my story with this scene. Oh, it's five sentences instead of three.
[FONT="]Hank didn’t really notice the sounds of spades going into the ground, nor the sour stench emanating from the men digging the hole. He didn’t pay attention to the minister standing beside a rough wooden coffin, his eyes intent on the gates of the graveyard, where large bands of rioters passed by. His mind ignored the distant shrieks of laughter, the yelling, the flickering of torches and focused itself on the one fact his universe now revolved around. His mother was dead, killed by the same thugs that roamed the streets. And if that wasn’t enough to deal with; he was pretty sure he himself was the cause of his mother’s death.[/FONT]
If he doesn't hear the sounds, smell the stench, or notice the laughter, how can he be describing them?
Also, there are times when telling (explaining) in an opening works well, but here it's like you're giving away all the secrets, instead of letting the reader discover that his mother was killed by thugs and he thinks it's his fault.
Back Cover Summary: James Anthony Wells lived a mundane life working for his rich uncle’s company. His life changes suddenly when his uncle dies, leaving him a Victorian mansion as his inheritance. He is soon catapulted into a world of mystery and intrigue when he discovers his uncle’s secret journals that explain his money-making techniques - secrets which could cost him his life.
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