Ah. In that case, the reader needs to be shown that. As it stands now, it looks like she's cursing because she dropped the brush and made a mess.
And if she threw it down (as opposed to it just falling), that needs to be said, too.
Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!
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Ah. In that case, the reader needs to be shown that. As it stands now, it looks like she's cursing because she dropped the brush and made a mess.
And if she threw it down (as opposed to it just falling), that needs to be said, too.
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I have no idea what you mean by A or B. Please clarify if you're up to it.
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This doesn't grab me. A cool yet eerie wind is better shown than told. It feels like you're trying to pack too much into one sentence and it hinders any connection to the scene. It's just a description without an actual sense of being eerie.
Now, my opinion might change if you told me this was a story geared toward very young readers as it could have a Lemony Snicket kind of thing going that I'm not picking up on in the first 3 sentences.
The second set of sentences suffers from too many names and listing. It doesn't compel me to read if right off the bat I'm expected to remember what direction things are in and what they are and what a whole group of people's names are.
I agree with everything Beths has said. I think you want to do too much in a line. Furthermore, I think if the kitchen trip is really necessary (which it doesn't serve a right purpose as is), it probably should be in a new paragraph.
I also think it should be fire-engine-red (a red color like the shade of a fire engine, thus 3 words forming one adjective) locks. Yet I don't think this is a good place to describe her hair color unless you want to use the red as simile in relation to her agitation or temperament.
a little rewrite.
“Dammit!” The artist crowned in fire-engine-red hair throws her paintbrush to the ground. Shaking her head in disgust, she is unhappy with the progress made on her current painting. Jutting out her lower lip in a pouting fashion she stomps out of the room.
“Dammit!” The artist crowned in fire-engine-red hair throws her paintbrush to the ground. Shaking her head in disgust, she is unhappy with the progress made on her current painting. Jutting out her lower lip in a pouting fashion she stomps out of the room.
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May I ask, is this a script? I'm just asking so I don't make comments that aren't relevant.
How does the MC know the therapist has told the husband to write a letter? You're writing in 1st person perspective and you're opening your story with a "tell" that raises a potential question of "how do you know?"
What's in the letter is not known yet (which is fine at this point) yet you've raised another question that it may or may not be what the therapist has told him. This makes for a complicated situation. Like, there's some communication channels between the therapist and the MC. These all come before the readers have a chance to judge for themselves what's in the letter and who these characters are. I think it's moving too fast. But these are all IMHO.
no, but i think being a comic book artist/writer I tend to be a little over descriptive so i know what it is i am drawing later.
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Thanks for explaining your thoughts. I'm not sure that I'd agree with your points on questions raised, but thanks for reading and giving your opinion.
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A problem for me is trying to make mutually exclusive two aspects of the mountain wind--cool and eerie--that aren't, imo. Why can't a wind be cool and eerie?
Further, who's narrating here? If it's an omniscient narrator, they should know how far the mansion is from the city. If it's a character, surely they know how far they travelled to get there.
It's usually good for an opening to raise questions in the reader's mind. But it can depend on what questions
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Yeah, it's very distant and reads like a script. It reads like you're telling yourself what the picture is supposed to look like and the overall feel instead of writing to connect to a reader.
I'm going to start making stuff up here to show you what all that means to me, and apologies now for changing to past tense, I really can't do present):
"Dammit!" Melanie threw her paintbrush across the room. Blue paint flung back in her face and coated her hair, making it stick to her scalp. The fire-engine red Punky Color dye job she spent all day in her sister's salon for would be ruined trying to get that damn blue Japan color out.
Now, you may not like my writing and I certainly took liberties, but I'm writing for example, not a Hugo.
But now we have a reason to talk about her hair color. We also have an emotional connection to the issue at hand. Her irritation is shown, there's a sensory response (the paint being flung on her face and hair) and response to that. If you wanted to get into the painting problems, get in her head:Three hours and she still couldn't get the lines right. <--"Dammit" and throwing the paint brush already shows us she's frustrated so you don't have to say it again. But now we know why she's frustrated.
Anyway, that's what I mean by get into it and show. We need to get to know you're MC, not read about your MC.
But the next question to ask yourself is: is this situation a compelling start? What makes this scene interesting? We get frustrated all the time. Why is *this* instance of frustration going to be intriguing? And that's where you should start - with what makes *this* problem different from everyone else's everyday. Is being frustrated because she's not getting her painting right a compelling frustration?
HTH
Yeah, it's very distant and reads like a script. It reads like you're telling yourself what the picture is supposed to look like and the overall feel instead of writing to connect to a reader.
I'm going to start making stuff up here to show you what all that means to me, and apologies now for changing to past tense, I really can't do present):
"Dammit!" Melanie threw her paintbrush across the room. Blue paint flung back in her face and coated her hair, making it stick to her scalp. The fire-engine red Punky Color dye job she spent all day in her sister's salon for would be ruined trying to get that damn blue Japan color out.
Now, you may not like my writing and I certainly took liberties, but I'm writing for example, not a Hugo.
Three hours and she still couldn't get the lines right. <--"Dammit" and throwing the paint brush already shows us she's frustrated so you don't have to say it again. But now we know why she's frustrated.
Anyway, that's what I mean by get into it and show. We need to get to know you're MC, not read about your MC.
But the next question to ask yourself is: is this situation a compelling start? What makes this scene interesting? We get frustrated all the time. Why is *this* instance of frustration going to be intriguing? And that's where you should start - with what makes *this* problem different from everyone else's everyday. Is being frustrated because she's not getting her painting right a compelling frustration?
HTH
thanks so much for your advice, I will rework this a bit more. This IS just the first three sentences... there is more to the scene and we most definitely get to know her over the next two paragraphs. I guess I can save the hair color thing for her overall description in the next paragraph. She's frustrated because she's a struggling artist relatively new to the "big city" and she needs to nail every painting she does so she can pay her bills.
I guess I thought it was important to show he temperament right away, as in plays into the next scene a bit. I want the readers to know right away she's kind of a bitch, and really short tempered... but this changes over time (after she meets the other MC).
Here are the first three lines of my piece. I'm going to nose around the thread for awhile, see if I can contribute something. I am open to all critics. I have an extra thick skin. After all, I can't learn a thing if I'm coddled.
Children who are loved have homes; foster kids have caseworkers and temporary living quarters. And foster kids who have hallucinations get locked up. Evie was most assuredly not loved and the thought of moving again made her queasy, but not because she was leaving home.
Children who are loved have homes; foster kids have caseworkers and temporary living quarters. And foster kids who have hallucinations get locked up. Evie was most assuredly not loved and the thought of moving again made her queasy, but not because she was leaving home.
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MY FIRST THOUGHT MELANIE IS THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO BE WRITERLY INSTEAD OF LETTING THE WORDS FLOW. I KNOW HOW HARD YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON WRITING, BUT I ALSO FEEL YOU NEED TO RELAX, TAKE A DEEP BREATH. AN AWESOME FRIEND FROM THE PERVIES TOLD ME WHEN I WRITE TO CLOSE MY EYES AND WATCH WHAT THE POV CHARACTER SEES, SMELLS, TASTES, FEELS, THOUGHTS, HOPES.
IN THIS CASE, I'M IMAGINING YOUR POV CHARACTER IS EITHER TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO PAINT OR HAS AN EXHIBIT OR SOMETHING. WHATEVER THE CASE, WHAT IS HER MOTIVATION? WHY IS SHE PISSED?
WRITING IS ABOUT SIMPLICITY. DON'T OVER THINK IT. BECOME YOUR CHARACTER. WRITE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN HER WORLD.
ONCE YOU HAVE THAT DOWN, THE TECHNICAL STUFF IS A NO-BRAINER. WE ALL CAN LEARN WHAT A RUN-ON IS AND HOW/WHERE THAT PERIOD GOES. WE CAN ALL LEARN THAT STUFF.
RELAX AND BREATHE. YOU'RE DOING FINE.
MY FIRST THOUGHT MELANIE IS THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO BE WRITERLY INSTEAD OF LETTING THE WORDS FLOW. I KNOW HOW HARD YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON WRITING, BUT I ALSO FEEL YOU NEED TO RELAX, TAKE A DEEP BREATH. AN AWESOME FRIEND FROM THE PERVIES TOLD ME WHEN I WRITE TO CLOSE MY EYES AND WATCH WHAT THE POV CHARACTER SEES, SMELLS, TASTES, FEELS, THOUGHTS, HOPES.
IN THIS CASE, I'M IMAGINING YOUR POV CHARACTER IS EITHER TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO PAINT OR HAS AN EXHIBIT OR SOMETHING. WHATEVER THE CASE, WHAT IS HER MOTIVATION? WHY IS SHE PISSED?
WRITING IS ABOUT SIMPLICITY. DON'T OVER THINK IT. BECOME YOUR CHARACTER. WRITE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN HER WORLD.
ONCE YOU HAVE THAT DOWN, THE TECHNICAL STUFF IS A NO-BRAINER. WE ALL CAN LEARN WHAT A RUN-ON IS AND HOW/WHERE THAT PERIOD GOES. WE CAN ALL LEARN THAT STUFF.
RELAX AND BREATHE. YOU'RE DOING FINE.
that give me a really interesting idea.... maybe I'll do just what you said..close my eyes and describe the scene out loud... and record it. then play it back and write it down. I do that alot at night. I lay in bed and think through a scene...totally visualizing it...the comic artist in me i think
thanks
I thought I might give a bit of my rationale for the scene as well as a glimpse at the plot.
Enrique, the young man currently getting high as the proverbial kite on heroine, is about to be murdered. José, a man you have not yet met, is the murderer. He's a sociopath who has been sent to take over the leadership of a street gang. The gang is really the local arm of a Peruvian drug smuggling operation.
In a couple chapters, a school teacher named Roy accidentally meets José at a boutique coffee grinder shop. The shop is a front for the gang's smuggling activities. This sets the story up for when Roy finds himself a witness to one of José's hits. Roy does not recognize José, but José recognizes Roy. And thus commences the gang's hunt for Roy.
So this first scene plays a small, but vital role in getting the reader to understand that which Roy will later have trouble grasping; José and the gang are violent thugs who will do pretty much anything to make their organization profitable.
The book, if I do my job properly, will keep the reader on edge as Roy, and a few other characters not yet named here, do their best to stay alive and get away from the gang and José.
I've made some more revisions, and included them below. I have also gone ahead and finished out the opening paragraph, as that only meant the inclusion of one sentence beyond the prescribed three.
The sharp pinch of the needle was followed by the warm, comfortable feeling of the A-Bomb now making its way through Enrique Moltke’s veins. He fell back into his seat as the syringe pulsed with the beat of his heart. Outside the dew began to fall. Noises and shadows melted into a continuous sensation that Enrique rode like some dead mariner on a haunted sea.
Thank you very much for your thoughts!
Bill
I like the first two... the third seems out of place to me.
Played around with it a bit:
Children who are loved have moms, dads, pets, homes. Foster kids have foster care, caseworkers, and temporary living quarters. Foster kids who have hallucinations, they get locked up.
Keep writing!
Bill
Here's mine!
Typical that the very first thing James would do upon arriving in New Orleans is hit a kid on a bike. The boy’s round eyes lock with his for an instant. Two sets of tires squeal trying to stop the inevitable.
Typical that the very first thing James would do upon arriving in New Orleans is hit a kid on a bike. The boy’s round eyes lock with his for an instant. Two sets of tires squeal trying to stop the inevitable.
I have a different opinion to William's. Shows how you can't please everyone ^_^
To me, the first line reads like a Sociology 101 project paper. It doesn't add to the story and there's nothing new. I'm inclined to move the second sentence (or a minor rewrite) so that Evie is introduced first and then talk about the hallucinations.
I also favor removing "assuredly." Sometimes an adjective/adverb adds taste, emphasis, tone, something... Sometimes it doesn't. I think this is one of these later situations. For example, a line depicting her already gone through 78 foster parents at the age of 13 may have a bigger impact to the readers.
Just IMHO.
So James would typically hit a kid when he arrives in New Orleans. It doesn't necessary mean this time James will hit a kid. However, the second sentence implies he has met his victim. The transition is too fast too furious IMHO.
The third sentence is part brilliant in that it uses tires to symbolize the sentiments but this usage also gets you into trouble. Now it's the tires (not the kid) trying to get away from the beating, and in fact, you've foretold the outcome--inevitable.
Here's mine
The waters of the Star Sea are amongst the most beautiful sights in all of Shebulba. Crystal clear and permeated by Muse Orbs, they radiate a soft glow. At night it is difficult to differentiate between the gold and blue auras from the sea and the stars in the sky.
The waters of the Star Sea are amongst the most beautiful sights in all of Shebulba. Crystal clear and permeated by Muse Orbs, they radiate a soft glow. At night it is difficult to differentiate between the gold and blue auras from the sea and the stars in the sky.
Original: Children who are loved have homes; foster kids have caseworkers and temporary living quarters. And foster kids who have hallucinations get locked up. Evie was most assuredly not loved and the thought of moving again made her queasy, but not because she was leaving home.
My edit: Children who are loved have homes; foster kids have caseworkers and temporary living quarters. And foster kids who have hallucinations get locked up. The thought of moving again made Evie Case queasy, but not because she was leaving home. 123 Rogers Parkway had been her address. It had never been her home. It was the hallucinations.
Edit with William Elliot's lines up front: Children who are loved have moms, dads, pets, homes. Foster kids have foster care, caseworkers, and temporary living quarters. Foster kids who have hallucinations, they get locked up. The thought of moving again made Evie Case queasy, but not because she was leaving home. 123 Rogers Parkway had been her address. It had never been her home. It was the hallucinations.
Thank you for your comments and suggestions. William Elliot, loved your lines and I may used them. I feel odd about it though, like I'm cheating in some way. Bing Zabriskie, I have a bachelors in sociology. I need to watch the fiction vs. nonfiction writing styles. Thanks for pointing it out.
I have posted more than three lines to show where I was going with the paragraph. I understand this is a three line thread. I don't expect any comments, unless you care to. . .
My edit: Children who are loved have homes; foster kids have caseworkers and temporary living quarters. And foster kids who have hallucinations get locked up. The thought of moving again made Evie Case queasy, but not because she was leaving home. 123 Rogers Parkway had been her address. It had never been her home. It was the hallucinations.
Edit with William Elliot's lines up front: Children who are loved have moms, dads, pets, homes. Foster kids have foster care, caseworkers, and temporary living quarters. Foster kids who have hallucinations, they get locked up. The thought of moving again made Evie Case queasy, but not because she was leaving home. 123 Rogers Parkway had been her address. It had never been her home. It was the hallucinations.
Thank you for your comments and suggestions. William Elliot, loved your lines and I may used them. I feel odd about it though, like I'm cheating in some way. Bing Zabriskie, I have a bachelors in sociology. I need to watch the fiction vs. nonfiction writing styles. Thanks for pointing it out.
I have posted more than three lines to show where I was going with the paragraph. I understand this is a three line thread. I don't expect any comments, unless you care to. . .
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The waters of the Star Sea are amongst the most beautiful sights in all of Shebulba. Crystal clear and permeated by Muse Orbs, they radiate a soft glow. At night it is difficult to differentiate between the gold and blue auras of the sea and the stars in the sky.
I liked your lines. I tweaked the last line a smidge. It didn't read with enough clarity. But take what I say with a grain of salt, I am not a writing goddess. Just giving my opinion as an avid reader.
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It seems a little disconnected. The second sentence led me to believe that the third sentence would follow on from that. But the third sentence has nothing to do with a child who has hallucinations, and is in fact a little confusing, because it seems to imply that Evie is not a foster kid because it mentions her having a home.
Anyway, you had me at "locked up" but somewhat lost me after that.
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