Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

Eeeee~!

From Walking Among Gods:

She hated her husband.

Hades treated her like the rug he threw over the floor in the dining hall to cover up the smell of piss his precious Cerberus left behind. She didn't know what kind of warped things were going on in his head but last time she checked, Atlantis was still a matriarch kingdom.

Four sentences, but they make up the opening paragraph:


Sand blew through Maddy’s Square, scouring the hard-packed ground as it swept itself against the weathered foundations of houses that had stood unchanged for thousands of years. A lizard raised its head and flicked its tongue, tasting an unidentifiable danger. It scrambled for the nearest fissure and squeezed itself to safety, leaving the square empty save for the occasional eddy of sand. Time hiccoughed; the sand skittered in an unnatural pattern, and the form of a man, spread-eagled, slipped through the intangible fabric and landed heavily in a puff of dust.

_Jinx_ said:

Actually no - it is from my short story and now that I think about I forgot to mention I changed the main character a bit...

so it should be...

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Still sounds awesome!

The Key Guardians:

Most goddesses are born or made—unlike myself, who became one by a series of choices. Rather than be made of pieces of the cosmos, I came to be by pieces of bad decisions and reckless emotions. However, despite my regrets I came to have a lot of wonderful things that also came out of that journey; great friendships, a force of will I never before possessed, and someone I could love and who loved me in return.

Anger's Dog

My first three sentences are:
In the dark, the wall clock was loud and insistent, beating the tattoo of passing time. Neither the clock nor its beat attracted the attention of the thirty-ish woman on the floor in the middle of the room. She sat in a depressive stupor while time clucked and scratched at her, failing to move her.

--Vania

rynthewin said:

The Key Guardians:

Most goddesses are born or made—unlike myself, who became one by a series of choices. Rather than be made of pieces of the cosmos, I came to be by pieces of bad decisions and reckless emotions. However, despite my regrets I came to have a lot of wonderful things that also came out of that journey; great friendships, a force of will I never before possessed, and someone I could love and who loved me in return.

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Super-fun premise! I think you can combine your first two sentences, though. You say "came/became" a lot, which is distracting. And I expect a goddess to use a more active voice.

Can't remember what came after the opening line, or even what the story was about, but here's how some lost, obnoxious piece I wrote ten or so years back started: "Her vagina was itching again."

I think it got pretty uncomfortable after that.

Ha! I love that Rich! Or do I?

Here's the first couple of sentences from my tentatively titled WIP, 'From the Sky':

'Deke man, will you fuckin' quit it?' Mirlo was hot. The sunshine in Northern California, magnified by the windscreen of the car, felt like 500 degrees. When he looked at the car's display, he saw that it actually read 120. But he was frying.

Doesn't give much away, does it?

DavidMcGowan said:

'Deke man, will you fuckin' quit it?' Mirlo was hot. The sunshine in Northern California, magnified by the windscreen of the car, felt like 500 degrees. When he looked at the car's display, he saw that it actually read 120. But he was frying.

Doesn't give much away, does it?

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To me, nothing is given away except this: If your intent is to have the point of view of a person from California, or even the U.S., lose the "windscreen". Here, they're called windshields.

Oh, and temps in that part of California rarely, if ever, reach 120 F. That's more likely to occur in the deserts.

I suppose this all goes to that constant admonishment to writers, "Know what you write."

Thanks Russ. I hear you on the screen/shield thing.

The temperature thing is supposed to indicate the temp inside the car, but if I have to explain, then I need to change it! I don't know northern California, but I'm not guilty of not researching the average highs and lows in summer.

DavidMcGowan said:

Thanks Russ. I hear you on the screen/shield thing.

The temperature thing is supposed to indicate the temp inside the car, but if I have to explain, then I need to change it! I don't know northern California, but I'm not guilty of not researching the average highs and lows in summer.

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Hm, not sure if you truly meant you aren't guilty of not researching the temps. If that's precisely what you meant, you might want to find a better source of information. No way is that an average temp in that area, not even in summer. And who, in their right mind, would drive with those kinds of temps inside the car, for long, anyway? Is this supposed to be pre-A/C? Honestly, you can drop the temp to 100, still making it damn hot, yet believable.

I'm curious if you are writing this from the perspective of an American. I mean this quite sincerely. Little things like the windscreen can certainly give it away as someone not American, unless your intended audience has no knowledge of such things.

Ok here is something from my W.I.P

Kensen’s eyes snapped open, scanning the dark room. He was not alone. He

lay in the silence of his own breathing, as still as the stale air looming over his

cot like a dread cloud.

dawookie said:

Super-fun premise! I think you can combine your first two sentences, though. You say "came/became" a lot, which is distracting. And I expect a goddess to use a more active voice.

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Thank you so much! I'll keep your advice in mind. I more than willingly admit that I write terrible first drafts, but I'm having so much fun with this story that I wanted to share.

I also really liked your excerpt too. I was so curious to see what made the woman be so despondent that she just sat in the middle of the floor, unmoving.

Thanks again Russ. It will be written from the perspective of an American, so I need to be careful, but I only wrote it the night before I posted it and hadn't looked back at it!

I had researched that the average temperature is 92 for the month of July in the location. The characters are in an old beaten up vehicle with no a/c that has broken down. The temperature inside the car is soaring, and they very shortly after get out of the vehicle after figuring out where they can camp from looking at a map.

Totally hear you though, I need to be careful with my use of English. Good old first drafts eh?

DavidMcGowan said:

Ha! I love that Rich! Or do I?

Here's the first couple of sentences from my tentatively titled WIP, 'From the Sky':

'Deke man, will you fuckin' quit it?' Mirlo was hot. The sunshine in Northern California, magnified by the windscreen of the car, felt like 500 degrees. When he looked at the car's display, he saw that it actually read 120. But he was frying.

Doesn't give much away, does it?

Click to expand...

I like it, it does remind me of summer days getting in a parked car in central valley CA. I think you should specify town. If this is central north of Sacramento it feels right. If this is north coast, you've written it too hot. 104 or 106F is probably more realistic for inside a car in hot areas of CA. 98F for a hot day in wine country...

hope that helped.

Kenpoclimber said:

Ok here is something from my W.I.P

Kensen’s eyes snapped open, scanning the dark room. He was not alone. He

lay in the silence of his own breathing, as still as the stale air looming over his

cot like a dread cloud.

Click to expand...

I'm wondering what a dread cloud is and feeling like this is a "scary in the dark about to be killed moment".

I think you could re-work the third sentence to add more of a unique hook about your specific story or the specific setting, situation, or character. Listening to our own breathing is something we can all relate to, but have also read many times. Maybe there is something more unique?

Your intro does leave me wanting to know what is going to happen next

This is fun, I'll play From my current WIP. I'm on second draft.

Adromeda Galaxy, if you noticed us, you may have wondered how we humans reached the very heart of your cosmos. I can tell you now, from where I stand solidly—yes very solidly and very pregnant under your alien stars—now I can tell you: it could have happened sooner if one man had had a little more love.

And if you did notice, I’m Clara, sur-numeral 10e15.837.

... and I'd really like to post the next two sentences, they're much shorter haha.

Thanks,

Thanks Granada. On yours and Russ's advice, I'll probably tone the heat down a little - let Deke and Mirlo breathe a little! I really do appreciate the advice!

richcapo said:

Can't remember what came after the opening line, or even what the story was about, but here's how some lost, obnoxious piece I wrote ten or so years back started: "Her vagina was itching again."

I think it got pretty uncomfortable after that.

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I would totally read a book that started like that.

Granada said:

I'm wondering what a dread cloud is and feeling like this is a "scary in the dark about to be killed moment".

I think you could re-work the third sentence to add more of a unique hook about your specific story or the specific setting, situation, or character. Listening to our own breathing is something we can all relate to, but have also read many times. Maybe there is something more unique?

Your intro does leave me wanting to know what is going to happen next

Click to expand...

Ok yeah thats a good idea =D
give me a moment.....

Kensen’s eyes snapped open, scanning the dark room. He was not alone. Slowly he slid a hand

under his pillow, withdrawing a long knife, going as still as the stagnant air that his lungs refused

to breathe.

“You’re dead,” whispered the darkness.

Lady Goddess said:

I would totally read a book that started like that.

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Tell you what: You make it through my book, and I'll consider starting my next novel with that line.

Writing a cozy mystery:

"The night that Prasad was murdered, tigers were the furthest thing in his mind. His mind was at ease, an unusual thing for his restless personality. Dinner at Vipul Verma's had been delicious, as usual."

WIP - needs tons of revision when done. Not looking back for now as I march ahead in the first draft. Will revisit all clunky language and dialogue later.

First three sentences from one of my (sadly multiple) WIPs, rough draft:

The demon on the electronics aisle isn't doing anything nefarious that I can identify. He's projecting a classy business outfit, all pinstriped androgyny and a complete generic face. There's nothing against any law of mortals or riders that says a man can't browse the radio hobbyist section for some spare parts, and according to my handbook, that means I'm supposed to tag and back off.

(It's sort of cyberpunk fantasy. If I'm lucky, I can call it urban fantasy when trying to sell people on it.)

Tonight would be Darius's last as the Angel of Death. Whether it ended with him renouncing his title or being reduced to dust remained to be seen. He crouched beside the beige house, kneading his flesh together.