[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

G.G. Rebimik said:

It was the spring of 1885—the year I reached and earned seventeen years of age. It was the year I left home and my loving parents. The nightmares—they came—they came steady with an unrelenting power and fright.

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Oh G.G. I'd read on. Yes, I'd read on as fast as I could. Great job.

G.G. Rebimik said:

It was the spring of 1885—the year I reached and earned seventeen years of age. It was the year I left my home and my loving parents. The nightmares—they came—they came steady, with an unrelenting power and fright.

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Two tweaks, more about my personal taste than necessity. Type on. Hope it has some cheery bits along the way . . .

G.G. Rebimik said:

It was the spring of 1885—the year I reached and earned seventeen years of age. It was the year I left home and my loving parents. The nightmares—they came—they came steady with an unrelenting power and fright.

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Intriguing! I like this.

There's something about the third sentence that doesn't seem right though. It's rather abrupt and doesn't flow from the first two. How about merging it with the second sentence with a conjunction like "but?"

...loving parents, but that's when the nightmares came, with an unrelenting power and fright.

Well, something like that, anyway.

Thanks for posting G.G. Rebimik. I'd read on.

oceansoul said:

Revision of Earlier

I've done a first revision sweep of my first few chapters, and here's what I've changed the first three sentences to:

While the capital burned in a smoky hailstorm of tar and arrows, we escaped by elephant to the quiet of the Tongsang Monastery. The elephant struggled up the mountain as Pharo urged him forward with the stick. I rode behind the beast’s ears, both arms wrapped around Kalx’s warm rag doll body -- his mind was gone, so we dragged him with us like living luggage.

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I like this better than the first, but I stand by what I said earlier regarding the first one. You have the events out of order still. They escaped, and then you back track with them in the process of escaping. It's an easy fix though. Just have them escaping toward the quiet of the Tongsang Monastery.

I do like this a lot though. An excellent beginning of a journey. Good job.

oceansoul said:

Revision of Earlier

I've done a first revision sweep of my first few chapters, and here's what I've changed the first three sentences to:

While the capital burned in a smoky hailstorm of tar and arrows, we escaped by elephant to the quiet of the Tongsang Monastery. The elephant struggled up the mountain as Pharo urged him forward with the stick. I rode behind the beast’s ears, both arms wrapped around Kalx’s warm rag doll body -- his mind was gone, so we dragged him with us like living luggage.

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I like this. It retains the spirit and poetic descriptions of the original, and it's clear exactly what's going on. And that powerful last line is still there. A good start. I'd definitely read on.

G.G. Rebimik said:

It was the spring of 1885—the year I reached and earned seventeen years of age. It was the year I left home and my loving parents. The nightmares—they came—they came steady with an unrelenting power and fright.

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First, I would totally read on. I gotta find out what the nightmares are about.

But I did get a little hung up over the x and x phrases. I felt like you couldn't make up your mind which word to use, so you threw both in. (speaking as someone who likes to describe and describe some more.)

Everyone, much thanks for the help...

oceansoul said:

Revision of Earlier

I've done a first revision sweep of my first few chapters, and here's what I've changed the first three sentences to:

While the capital burned in a smoky hailstorm of tar and arrows, we escaped by elephant to the quiet of the Tongsang Monastery. The elephant struggled up the mountain as Pharo urged him forward with the stick. I rode behind the beast’s ears, both arms wrapped around Kalx’s warm rag doll body -- his mind was gone, so we dragged him with us like living luggage.

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I also quite liked this, but the last word didn't fit with the rest for me. I would have changed it from luggage to cargo. English is not my first language, so I may be completely wrong here.

Mamitt said:

I also quite liked this, but the last word didn't fit with the rest for me. I would have changed it from luggage to cargo. English is not my first language, so I may be completely wrong here.

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While I agree that the phonology of "cargo" sounds nicer, I think "luggage" is more effective here because it refers exclusively to inanimate things, whereas cargo can and does sometimes refer to living things.

Though if I ponder it too hard, I start to wonder if "luggage" refers exclusively to things like suitcases, trunks, and duffel bags, and not to the stuff transported inside them . . . hmm.

G.G. Rebimik said:

It was the spring of 1885—the year I reached and earnedturned seventeen years of age. It was the year I left my home and my loving parents. And Tthe nightmares—they came—they came steady- with an unrelenting power and fright.

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I've changed a lot here, and few of the other critters have. Just wanted to give my opinion.
Sounds like an interesting story.

Yay! I'm glad people generally think the revision is better. I'm probably going to tweak it a final time during editing and after my CPs have been through the whole manuscript (when I actually finish it!)

G.G. Rebimik said:

It was the spring of 1885—the year I reached and earned seventeen years of age. It was the year I left home and my loving parents. The nightmares—they came—they came steady with an unrelenting power and fright.

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I'm not sure about this opening. On the one hand, the "it was the spring of 1885" works for me in novels set in the 19th century, because that is how memoirists wrote in the period. But, I almost want to see a twist on the trope afterwards instead of more exposition. I'd probably have to read your whole first page to make suggestions on what that twist could be.

Katharine Tree said:

While I agree that the phonology of "cargo" sounds nicer, I think "luggage" is more effective here because it refers exclusively to inanimate things, whereas cargo can and does sometimes refer to living things.

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I think 'luggage' also generally connotes something you grab by the handle and carry along with you, whereas 'cargo' is more likely to be loaded with a forklift or by a gang of dockworkers. I got the picture that they'd basically had to grab this guy by the arm (handle) and drag him along like baggage -- like snatching your bags as you run after the departing train, rather than having a chance to load him more-gracefully like cargo.

mrsmig said:

...problem with "power and fright." "Fright" seems wrong as it's a reaction, not an attribute. Maybe a word like "menace" would work better?

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I'm truly impressed. I agree with everything mrsmig says here. The power-and-fright thing seems to have escaped most people's notice. How can nightmares come with fright? It isn't the nightmares that are frightened.

That reminds me: the first sentences should raise 'story questions' to intrigue readers, but not 'plausibility questions' that put them off.

First 3 lines from a WIP, The Judge of Shongelo (working title).

The drone of flies awakened Ira from where he had curled in exhausted sleep upon a mossy embankment of the Pascagoula the evening before. He raised up on one elbow and looked for the noise. A dead man in a black coat and red silk vest stared back at him.

rwhegwood said:

First 3 lines from a WIP, The Judge of Shongelo (working title).

The drone of flies awakened Ira from where he had curled in exhausted sleep upon a mossy embankment of the Pascagoula the evening before. He raised up on one elbow and looked for the noise. A dead man in a black coat and red silk vest stared back at him.

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Hi Rwhegwood. This is my personal opinion, but I didn't think the word "awakened" was doing what you want there. I was starting to get hooked with the drone of flies, but the rest of the sentence dampened it. I think having them just buzz around his head would be interesting enough. The third sentence is great. Maybe delete the second, and have a new third.

That's my opinion for the best hook. Hope it helps! Take it with a grain of salt.

shonmorley said:

My 1st three lines

If one day, whoever is in charge of this universe, decides to rip away my voice and crush it in there palms. I will laugh: Not in agreement or because I am a some sort of sick fuck. I will laugh because with or without a voice I will always be heard-no matter what.

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Welcome to the tread.

Grammar and misspellings have been noted by others so I will not comment on those, other than to say they kicked me out of the flow instantly. But that's easily fixed.

Based on these lines, I would not continue reading much more. The coarse language comes too early and it's presence does not yet feel earned. I get that some bitterness drives the speaker, and I might excuse the language for a bit until I can learn enough to make a decision, but not for long. If this is an MC whose whole vocabulary is largely dependent upon such expletives, then I would not be a suitable reader for that story.

A bitter diatribe at the outset can hook me though, if I'm connected quickly enough to the reason. It worked for Milton's Satan, so it can work for your character.

My biggest problem is the interior sentence, along with bits and pieces of what follows. In my opinion it is too much invested in redundant exposition. Given the initial tone, I think editing for quicker/sharper pace would work better. For example: "If one day, whoever is in charge of this universe, decides to rip away my voice and crush it my voice in there their palms. I will laugh. With or without a voice I will always be heard-not be silencedno matter what."

Hope this is useful to you.

SunshineonMe said:

Hi Rwhegwood. This is my personal opinion, but I didn't think the word "awakened" was doing what you want there. I was starting to get hooked with the drone of flies, but the rest of the sentence dampened it. I think having them just buzz around his head would be interesting enough. The third sentence is great. Maybe delete the second, and have a new third.

That's my opinion for the best hook. Hope it helps! Take it with a grain of salt.

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I see what you mean about the first sentence. I was trying to establish a minimal sense of place at the outset, but that comes at the cost of the "eye" of the reader, the pause for setting exposition dampens the pace where it doesn't need to slow down. I'm not sure what is off-putting about "awakened", perhaps a more precise kind of awakening would work instead...like "rouse."

See if this edit works better for you:

The drone of flies roused Ira from an exhausted sleep. He sat up and looked for the noise. A dead man in a black coat and red silk vest stared back at him.

This is more concise, but the opening rhythm feels off to me. The sentences are too equal in length in this iteration, and it feels choppy.

Variation 2: The drone of flies invaded Ira's sleep where he had curled in an exhausted heap the evening before. He raised up and looked about for the noise. A dead man in a black coat and red silk vest stared back at him.

Theeparlier said:

First time posting here so I thought this would be the appropriate thread to post in. Here's mine:

He stood in the air that overlooked the long King Freeway. The summer sun hung above him and the wind blew just hard enough to rustle his cape behind him. Nerves coursed through him.

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Two things interrupt the story flow for me: "long King Freeway" maybe it's the long as an adjective, but something in the name is not working for me. Maybe I just expect freeways by their nature to be long, relatively speaking. Maybe I don't need the name of it yet, just he image of the man in the air over a freeway would be enough, perhaps.

The first part of the second sentence doesn't work for me. It puts my eye in the wrong place at the wrong time, I think. The second half about the wind in his cape, works, in part because my attention is still on this guy in the air, not on the sky. The last sentence kicks me out entirely. Nerves is not a workable word choice here, as has been noted already.

All that said, I don't necessarily have a problem with him standing in the air. Since I don't know how he does it or what his physical perception is, I can't say he should be floating, not standing. Standing in the air raises a dramatic question for me that I want to pursue. I want to know why and how.

That said, the opening passivity of the scene needs to change quickly if it is to hold my interest for long.

mrsmig said:

This is a dreaded "waking up" opening, but I'm going to give it a pass because something interesting happens immediately upon Ira's awakening. I would read on because I want to know more about the dead man (although I will be really disappointed if that leads into backstory about what happened the night before).

Your first sentence is a little too "clause-y" for my taste: "from where /he had curled /in exhausted sleep /upon a mossy embankment /of the Pascagoula /the evening before." It's a lot of information to absorb in the first sentence and gives your narrative an unpleasantly bumpy sound (read it out loud; you'll see what I mean). Some of this info could be saved until a bit later.

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I'm inclined to agree the first sentence needs a shave. There's too much in the muffelatta. You would not be disappointed. The dead man scares the hell out of Ira with a single blink...just before those hunting for the boy can be heard closing in with their dogs.

rwhegwood said:

The drone of flies awakened Ira from where he had curled in exhausted sleep upon a mossy embankment of the Pascagoula the evening before. He raised up on one elbow and looked for the noise. A dead man in a black coat and red silk vest stared back at him.

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On the whole, a good start. I would read on. But just a couple of suggestions.

Besides making the sentence quite a mouthful, the phrases ‘from where’ and ‘upon a’ together are creating a problem. Both refer to location. Maybe you could work the 'evening before' into the next paragraph? And in the second sentence, I am personally not comfortable with the intransitive use of the verb raise. Others may be okay with it. 'For the noise' may be redundant since it's the noise that woke him. But that's just my opinion.

One alternative could be this:

The drone of flies had awakened Ira from an exhausted sleep on the mossy embankment of the Pascagoula. He rose on an elbow and looked around. A dead man in a black coat and red silk vest stared back at him.

I am sure you can improve it further.

rwhegwood said:

I see what you mean about the first sentence. I was trying to establish a minimal sense of place at the outset, but that comes at the cost of the "eye" of the reader, the pause for setting exposition dampens the pace where it doesn't need to slow down. I'm not sure what is off-putting about "awakened", perhaps a more precise kind of awakening would work instead...like "rouse."

See if this edit works better for you:

The drone of flies roused Ira from an exhausted sleep. He sat up and looked for the noise. A dead man in a black coat and red silk vest stared back at him.

This is more concise, but the opening rhythm feels off to me. The sentences are too equal in length in this iteration, and it feels choppy.

Variation 2: The drone of flies invaded Ira's sleep where he had curled in an exhausted heap the evening before. He raised up and looked about for the noise. A dead man in a black coat and red silk vest stared back at him.

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Hey rwhegwood.

I like variation 2 the best. It retains the voice and rhythm I think you're looking for, and lacks the wordiness of the original three you shared.

There's something about "raised" that rubs me as wrong though. This is a nitpick, but wouldn't "sat up" be better?

rwhegwood said:

Variation 2: The drone of flies invaded Ira's sleep where he had curled in an exhausted heap the evening before. He raised up and looked about for the noise. A dead man in a black coat and red silk vest stared back at him.

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The very beginning is problematic for me. It reads like a collective of flies, incorrectly named a drone instead of a business or swarm, has somehow found a way into this poor fellow's sleep. As much as I am loathe to suggest adding another "the" to the text, it would provide clarity: "The drone of the flies" would clearly refer to the noise, not the collective.

I may be the only one who read it such.

InspectorFarquar said:

The very beginning is problematic for me. It reads like a collective of flies, incorrectly named a drone instead of a business or swarm, has somehow found a way into this poor fellow's sleep. As much as I am loathe to suggest adding another "the" to the text, it would provide clarity: "The drone of the flies" would clearly refer to the noise, not the collective.

I may be the only one who read it such.

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No, you're not alone. Probably should be "The droning of flies..."