EDIT: I'm going to leave this like it is, but I just want to add that I apologize for any of it that sounds mopey. I'm REALLY happy now, I just wanted to give some insight into how I felt growing up. Cause until fairly recently, the only image I ever got of trans people from the media was always ridiculous and made me feel like I couldn't be trans because I wasn't "girly" enough. We're all different and have different paths, but usually there's some common trends of feeling like something was wrong but not necessarily knowing what it was.
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*waves*
I'm 27, I look male (and my driver's license says that I am), identify as female, and am still in the closet offline. (My mother and two best friends know.) I have a female nervous system (brain definitely, but my nerves feel like they're wired for a female body) and a male hormone system. I think of it as a type of intersex condition.*
*Oddly enough, brain scan studies have started showing that it may very well be that. I know I was born this way, but it'd be awesome to have physical proof one day.
I won't go into my entire history cause it's still painful, but I've known I was way outside gender norms for my physical sex for a long time, got really depressed when puberty hit and my body no longer felt right, and struggled with it for a long time. Had serious depression, relationship issues, body issues, and stuff like that. When I thought about the future, I couldn't envision myself at all. (I recently learned that some other trans people felt like this before realizing they were trans.) I didn't become suicidal, but I lost all of my drive and thought I could never be happy.
After a bad, brief marriage, I finally got over my fear enough to do some research and soul-searching. And I confirmed what I'd always known deep down. And also corrected some beliefs I'd had about it basically being impossible for me to transition and other stupid misconceptions.
(I've had trans friends online for a long time, and have been suspiciously and fanatically pro-LGBT since my late teens and I never could figure out why I took it so personally when I was "straight." My own identity was right there in front of me, but I didn't want to look.)
In June 2009, I came out online as bi-gender, with the caveat that my male side didn't feel as real and might be a social construct, but was sorta needed for self-defense. (And also, I worked so hard for all my life to make up this male character I played for everyone, and I didn't want to kill him off.)
Some time later (since I've been on this site, actually), I realized that I'm most happy when I can forget that I'm allegedly male, and that I can envision myself growing old as a woman but not as a fake man. So I've decided that I need to transition. (But right now, I'm not financially ready to start hormones or even afford to visit a therapist to get a diagnosis allowing it.) I'm not in a huge rush, though. I waited this long, I can wait longer.
I'm also a lesbian, and pretty much every woman I ever dated figured it out before I did. (While individuals can be exceptions, there's usually a big difference between straight male instincts and lesbian instincts in a relationship.) Oddly enough, every woman I've ever dated has been bisexual, even when I was pretending to be a man.
After a lot of research and soulsearching, I'm very excited about my future. I know I'm on the right path. About the only thing that bothers me is wondering about whether I'll ever be accepted as a "real lesbian" or if I'll always be seen as a wannabe or, at best, nice but really gross because of my testosterone-poisoning. (It's not even about dating, just my right to say "I'm a lesbian" without feeling like I have to be ready to justify my existance.)
I'm a transgender, bi-gender, genderqueer, transsexual, slightly bi-curious lesbian. I'm tempted to work really hard and cheat with my definitions just so I can collect all the rest of the QILTBAG categories.
So, yeah, my life's kinda complicated right now, but I'm slowly working things out. If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.