BS your way through

Right about...now. You might want to duck.

Think they ever throw wild parties in the Hadron Collider on slow days?

Surely they do. It breaks up the monotony.

Are lemmings truly suicidal, or just bad at using a GPS?

Actually, lemmings are great triathletes. They are victim of a press corps that hadn't learned about the sport yet.

Why would anyone want to participate in a triathlon ?

They participate because of peer pressure and a media that glorifies fatless people. It sometimes makes me sad, and then I watch NASCAR, and feel okay again.

How many elephants does it take to open our nation's eyes to the evils of mice?

None. The evils of mice are more accurately exposed by lions. In general, 23 lions per 100,000 citzens are adequate.

Has anyone ever died from eating too much chocolate?

No one on AW has, and that is enough to make my life choices credible.

Why is it so satisfying to paint stuff, even if it just a wall in your office?

Generally it is the results from addiction, initiated with 'that first crayon', the watercolor set your aunt got you for your fourth birthday, nurturing of the nasty habit from Kindergarten on. Stop and think about it. Did cave men, I mean other than the French, ever paint stuff. NO! The natural state of man is to NOT paint things. Some corrupted individual thought it up, all on his own, and began the degradation of humankind. Let's just call him 'Lenny' and blame it all on him.


How did the exploding cigar come to be?

Cromagnon man painted a crude depiction of someone who had an explosion coming out of his mouth. For ages, pranksters conspired about means to make it a reality. With the birth of oil paints, it finally struck one young man, whom I shall refer to as Hubert from here on in, that a cigar laced with gunpowder could be the source of such fun. "Hubert" did not live to a ripe old age, sadly.



What is the worst possible name to give to your first born?

Carl, or anything that starts with 'C'. there are no good names that begin with that letter.



If I paint with broad stroke, how can it hide the evidence?

It can hide broads, if they are your evidence. I never tried it, but heard it can be very effective.

SHAVING: Does it go against nature, or just keep everyone else from saying, "Ew! Gross!"

The real question is what will it do to the natural SPF protection level.


What does shaving do to your natural SPF protection level?

Clearly, it reduces the SPF level, but you look sleeker while getting burned.

In Columbia, SC, no matter how much sunscreen you put on, you still get burned. Is it better to stay inside from 10:30am to 6:00 pm?

I usually can't separate one from the herd that early.


There trends and then there are trends. How can I tell which ones really matter.

You have to watch E News to find out.

How does one translate "yo no hablo?"

I have thought and thought about that and have come up with a lot of possible answers which might make sense but might not. In that regard I've decided not to say anything.


Whenever I get the opportunity I plant a tree. Can you tell me where I can pick up a cheap family tree.

Lowe's or Home Depot has really reasonable prices on family trees. You can get both deciduous and conifers for a good price.

Am I the only one who feels pressured by the ad slogan, "Never stop doing?" I think Home Depot wants me to collapse.

That's better than sitting in a chair all day thinking they just cant handle the English language as well as they should every time you see that silly slogan wherever you see it if you do which you might not if you just stayed sitting in a chair fuming without the television being turned on or maybe just turned on to a station where you wouldnt ever see that slogan like the home shopping network or some where like that which might make you stop fuming because youd think a professional kind of ad writer could finish a sentence as well as we can because


How does one establish a school for teaching writing and composition and stuff to people who think they might want to become writers?

One creates an attractive website, complete with photos of ecstatic-looking people saying, "I got an advance of $500,000 for my first book after studying at the GetRichKwik Writers School!" One charges people hefty fees to take online courses with names like "You Can Write a Blockbuster!" One sits back and collects.

I'm getting tired of riding in cars, trains and planes. Why is there such a delay in the development of teletransportation?

Secretly, or not so secretly, the world doesn't want you getting around too easily. There are large groups of socially responsible people who buying up patents on new modes of transportation that are both fast and effective. They are waiting for you to die before they cash in on them.


How many people can you tell a secret to before you are supposed to feel guilty about doing so?

The results of numerous surveys indicate that you can tell a secret to three people without feeling guilty. If you tell a secret to anywhere between four and nine people, you feel slightly guilty. If you tell ten or more, you begin to fidget. From 20 to 30, you sweat. From 31 to 50, you have nightmares. People who divulged secrets to more than 50 other people were not available for testing, since none are known to have survived.

Why pomegranates?

Scientists have not yet determined the "why" of pomegranates. However, archaeological evidence indicates that the ancient Egyptians used pomegranates to play a primitive form of "paintball".

Why is the little finger called a "pinky" instead of a "shortie"?

Because when you cut one off, it turns into this. Take care not to cut off your pinkies, or they may come back and eat you.

Why did Shorty cut across?

He wanted to create "the Short Cut," and therefore set his name in the annals of time.

What sort of person refers to annals these days?

Smart people.

Why would anybody put a baby on a tree top?

Sadists put babies there. Otherwise, they might be scientists who are studying gravity. The difference lies in the plans for catching the subjects.



Has kitten juggling been banned in any country?