I like everything except the first sentence. Generally, I find when you do a 'this is my story' intro, it has to be a few paragraphs long and very voice-y. Kinda like Percy Jackson!
If we're snippet-ing, here's a bit of Sherlockettes. No one has heard from Julia since Lauren's near-death, and Veronika's decided she's a suspect, so Soph and Véro went up to investigate.
Kind of very rough, but continues with one of the major themes of the book: What is friendship? What does it mean? How to you label it, or measure it?
If we're snippet-ing, here's a bit of Sherlockettes. No one has heard from Julia since Lauren's near-death, and Veronika's decided she's a suspect, so Soph and Véro went up to investigate.
Julia’s housekeeper had no idea who they were, and they were about to be asked to leave when Julia’s mother entered the room, her cell phone pressed between her shoulder and her ear, and a huge file of papers in her hand.
“Well, I appreciate your flexibility,” she said, “but my client and I would really prefer to rent it for three months—“ She looked over at the girls. “Veronika! Hi, sweetheart, just a sec.” Speaking into the phone again, she said, “Well, I’m very sorry, but I’m afraid that unless we have no other offers, you’ll have to find another place. Yes. Yes, I’m sorry. I have to get going now—yes, I will let you know. Okay. Bye-bye.” She put her folder on a small, wooden table, and turned off her phone, sighing. Then she turned toward Veronika.
“It’s so good to see you, Veronika!” she exclaimed. “And—I’m sorry,” she said, addressing Sophie, “I don’t believe we’ve been introduced.”
“Nice to meet you, Ms. Bergstein,” said the small girl. “I’m Sophie. I’m new this year.”
“Call me Stacey, sweetheart,” said Julia’s mother. She leaned in, kissing the air behind both of Sophie’s cheeks, and stepped back. She looked at Veronika again. “So, why did you stop by, Veronika?”
Veronika’s eyes shifted toward Sophie, who took that as a signal to do the talking. “Well—since Julia wasn’t at school today, we wanted to stop by and see how she was doing,” she said.
“And we brought over the homework so she doesn’t fall behind,” added Veronika.
At the word ‘homework’, Stacey beamed. “Oh, that’s so sweet of you girls,” she said. “I have to get back to dealing with a difficult client, but Julia’s upstairs in her room, so go on yourselves. Lovely to meet you, Sophie. I’m so glad my daughter has such thoughtful friends.”
She grabbed her folder and phone, and walked off into the next room. Sophie watched her go, then leaned up and whispered into Veronika’s ear, “are we Julia’s friends?”
Veronika frowned. “Well of course, she’s in our class.”
Is that all friendship is? Sophie wondered as they walked up the stairs. The question faded from her mind the second Veronika pushed open the door.
Julia was sitting on the far corner of her bed, knees pulled up under her chin, quivering like a leaf. Her face was pale, but not puffy, and her eyes were dry but very wide.
Veronika raised an eyebrow. “I see you’re coping well.”
Kind of very rough, but continues with one of the major themes of the book: What is friendship? What does it mean? How to you label it, or measure it?