[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

This revamped forum is coming at a good time. Let's see. .

Rainsmom: I'm unfamiliar with that horseshoe nail saying, but imagery is good and questions raised would entice me to read on.

Serani: I don't know who is having a tantrum, nor am I certain what the two characters are referring to, so I'm left more perplexed than intrigued. Clarity will really help here, I think.

Chompers, this is tantalizing so yes, I'd read on. My only criticism is that I was aware of the two "would haves." Perhaps a rewording there, so as not to repeat in such close proximity.

I'm (re)considering where I should start my novel. Right now, it starts with the mc Mike remembering the first time he saw his little brother having a vision:

First time Albert had one of his episodes—first I know of, anyway—he was about three. I must’ve been nine. Before it happened we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in.

But now I'm thinking I should rework it so the story starts with Mike's reaction to his brother's birth:

I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.

mrsmig said:

He wandered through the mist with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground, peering into each soul as if it was a window, smelling and tasting and touching. He sucked out whatever piqued his senses: innocence tangy with new-found guilt, brooding sulphur-scented anger, sleek lust and greasy gluttony and bitter, sticky avarice. He absorbed them all and drifted on, bloated as a tick but still hungry.

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I'm sold. Love the third sentence especially. Yeah, I really like this.

(Tiny nitpick -- "if it WERE a window...")

richcapo said:

He had never before dreamed in such blackness. Perhaps as a child, but never since puberty had the General spent a night without fattened rumps, swollen breasts, or bulging rifles surreally glowing in his head. Sleep had since his first cum and gun shots brought him such colorful diversion—each night, every night; it’d always been wonderful—but now everything was shadow.

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I'm confused here. Is he dreaming a dream with a lot of shadows? "Dreamed in blackness" doesn't make that clear to me, because blackness implies no images rather than shadowed images. I also wasn't sure how to read this: "Sleep had since his first cum and gun shots brought him such colorful diversion...." Should it, perhaps, have some additional commas? "Sleep had, since his first cum and gun shots, brought him such colorful diversion...."

mrsmig said:

He wandered through the mist with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground, peering into each soul as if it was a window, smelling and tasting and touching. He sucked out whatever piqued his senses: innocence tangy with new-found guilt, brooding sulphur-scented anger, sleek lust and greasy gluttony and bitter, sticky avarice. He absorbed them all and drifted on, bloated as a tick but still hungry.

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For me the first sentence needs a bit of tinkering but other than that I think it's great. I particularly like the phrase 'bloated as a tick'. Creepy. I'd definitely read on.

kkbe said:

I'm (re)considering where I should start my novel. Right now, it starts with the mc Mike remembering the first time he saw his little brother having a vision:

First time Albert had one of his episodes—first I know of, anyway—he was about three. I must’ve been nine. Before it happened we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in.

But now I'm thinking I should rework it so the story starts with Mike's reaction to his brother's birth:

I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.

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If we're voting, I vote for the first one. There's expectation in those first few lines but not in the second choice.

kkbe said:

I'm (re)considering where I should start my novel. Right now, it starts with the mc Mike remembering the first time he saw his little brother having a vision:

First time Albert had one of his episodes—first I know of, anyway—he was about three. I must’ve been nine. Before it happened we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in.

But now I'm thinking I should rework it so the story starts with Mike's reaction to his brother's birth:

I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.

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kk - the writing in both of these is strong, and I'd probably read on based on voice alone, but I think the first one is better from a story perspective. The second one could be any kid who's angry about being displaced by a new sibling. The first one tells us something specific and unusual about Albert.

chompers said:

If Lexie Grant had known what was going to happen in the next forty-eight hours, she would never have left her home. Instead, she would have locked the front door, pulled the drapes closed, maybe pushed her sofa against the front door, then barricaded herself inside until Monday morning.

But of course that wasn’t what happened.

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This isn't bad, and I probably would read on to find out what happened, but like Wilde, I feel like it's trying too hard to hook my interest. You might be better off starting where things are going wrong for Lexie.

richcapo said:

He had never before dreamed in such blackness. Perhaps as a child, but never since puberty had the General spent a night without fattened rumps, swollen breasts, or bulging rifles surreally glowing in his head. Sleep had since his first cum and gun shots brought him such colorful diversion—each night, every night; it’d always been wonderful—but now everything was shadow.

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The first two sentences are intriguing. The third one I found confusing. Did the General's first orgasm occur simultaneously with (or as a result of) his first gun shots? By "first gun shots," do you mean the first time he fired a gun or the first time he heard gunfire? Some rewording would make this clearer.

Bit unsure about this start because of [see whited after the quote]. I'd like to get your first impressions first.

____
Reva and Rasul’s dadiji died in her rocking chair in their kitchen. Her skin was soggy and speckled, her head was tilted mildly towards the open window. She died alone and quite without realising.
____

In Hindi, dadiji means grandmother. It isn't really made clear that Dadiji is the pairs grandmother until 70 - 100 words after the opening. Not sure if this will make things confusing/offputting for a reader.

chompers said:

If Lexie Grant had known what was going to happen in the next forty-eight hours, she would never have left her home. Instead, she would have locked the front door, pulled the drapes closed, maybe pushed her sofa against the front door, then barricaded herself inside until Monday morning.

But of course that wasn’t what happened.

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This is engaging and humourous. I would keep reading, but as others have also said, I would be on alert for any hint that the book was going to start with backstory and "telling". Too much of that, and I might close the book, with the caveat that if the backstory and telling continued to be funny, I'd definitely keep reading.

mrsmig said:

He wandered through the mist with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground, peering into each soul as if it was a window, smelling and tasting and touching. He sucked out whatever piqued his senses: innocence tangy with new-found guilt, brooding sulphur-scented anger, sleek lust and greasy gluttony and bitter, sticky avarice. He absorbed them all and drifted on, bloated as a tick but still hungry.

Click to expand...

I pretty much love this, but I think if you deleted the words "with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground", it would be much stronger. That first line is a little overdone, but the rest of it is decadent, shading-to-purple-in-the-very-best-way wonderfulness.

richcapo said:

He had never before dreamed in such blackness. Perhaps as a child, but never since puberty had the General spent a night without fattened rumps, swollen breasts, or bulging rifles surreally glowing in his head. Sleep had since his first cum and gun shots brought him such colorful diversion—each night, every night; it’d always been wonderful—but now everything was shadow.

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I'm obviously outside your target audience, because I thought this was pretty gross and I would not keep reading. It's not the sort of character whose head I want to be in.

That said, this has got good imagery. I think the main weakness is I found the wording confusing in a few places. In particular, I'd suggest clarifying that the darkness is inside the General's head (not the room he's sleeping in), and that the glowing rumps, bumps, and rifles are his dreams. The artistic styling of that sentence gets in the way of its clarity a bit.

kkbe said:

First time Albert had one of his episodes—first I know of, anyway—he was about three. I must’ve been nine. Before it happened we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in.

...

I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.

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I vote for the second, as it's a much more engaging flashback. The first opening sets things up for an infodump, but the second opening is all about establishing tension.

However, I do think the second one would be much stronger if you deleted everything after "you're ruining my life." The narrator's frustration comes across just fine by him/her calling a baby a fuckhead. Everything after that seems unnecessary and shading toward overkill.

Also, it would be good to quickly slip in the fact the narrator is nine, because in the second opening, the reader could think he's an adult at first.

ellio said:

Bit unsure about this start because of [see whited after the quote]. I'd like to get your first impressions first.

____
Reva and Rasul’s dadiji died in her rocking chair in their kitchen. Her skin was soggy and speckled, her head was tilted mildly towards the open window. She died alone and quite without realising.
____

In Hindi, dadiji means grandmother. It isn't really made clear that Dadiji is the pairs grandmother until 70 - 100 words after the opening. Not sure if this will make things confusing/offputting for a reader.

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As someone who doesn't know Hindi, my first impression was that dadiji = dad. As a result, the "her" threw me off. Overall, I didn't connect well with the sentences, since I didn't know who the "dadiji" was or why I should care about him or her. I'm also unsure about whether Reva or Rajul is the protagonist - or are they both? (dual POVs)

chompers said:

Totally agree. I usually write the first chapter last. It's hard! First impressions...
gotta captivate them enough to continue with the rest.

Having said that, here's mine. This is one where I didn't leave the beginning till the end, mainly because it was due.

~~~~
If Lexie Grant had known what was going to happen in the next forty-eight hours, she would never have left her home. Instead, she would have locked the front door, pulled the drapes closed, maybe pushed her sofa against the front door, then barricaded herself inside until Monday morning.

But of course that wasn’t what happened.

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I don't see anything substantially wrong with this. I know the MC and something about her situation. If I liked the blurb of the book, I'd keep reading.

chompers said:

If Lexie Grant had known what was going to happen in the next forty-eight hours, she would never have left her home. Instead, she would have locked the front door, pulled the drapes closed, maybe pushed her sofa against the front door, then barricaded herself inside until Monday morning.

But of course that wasn’t what happened.

Click to expand...

I am interested in finding out the nature of events that happen in the next two days. But I'd be all the more intrigued if we were given a little teaser, just a word of description. Are they tragic hours? Embarrassing? Swashbuckling?
But a nice opener nonetheless.

Here's mine. This is a sequel that's currently a WIP, and I reeaaly wish I could include the next sentence. But oh well.
_________________

Keyla’s world was pulsing red, peppered with white stars. She could smell the faewolf’s rank scent and feel its powerful arm wrapped around her neck, cutting off air and life to her lungs. She had been in positions like this before, and none of them had ended well.
_________________

Cheers,
~Lev

Are we allowed to post follow-up commentary/questions? Or are we supposed to start a new thread? (But I kind of want to keep the rest of the story for betas to critique.)

But all the feedback here is really great and I'd like to address them.

If not allowed, I want to thank everyone for the great feedback. Gives me lots to consider.
Also, it's multiple 3rd person limited POV, with bits of omniscient narration for direction sprinkled here and there.
And yes, it is intended to be humorous (romantic comedy).

Thanks again, everyone!

I'm impressed with the overall quality of the writing represented here!

Mrsmig: Seconding not caring much for flabby feet (I can't make an image of that in my brain) but the rest is awesomely creepy. I'd keep reading.

richcapo: I found it kind of confusing, which is sort of representative of a dream state, but parsing everything was enough work that I wasn't gripped.

ellio: I assumed it was a grandmother (rocking chair, speckled skin, dead person ) and that it was Indian, based on the word dadiji and names of the (I assume) children. I'm not convinced that needs additional clarification. I'd read on.

kk: I'm recusing myself

Levico: I'm not your target demo--I don't usually read fantasy/paranormal with mixed up creatures (like faewolf). BUT your last sentence is GRABBY. I like it.

richcapo said:

He had never before dreamed in such blackness. Perhaps as a child, but never since puberty had the General spent a night without fattened rumps, swollen breasts, or bulging rifles surreally glowing in his head. Sleep had since his first cum and gun shots brought him such colorful diversion—each night, every night; it’d always been wonderful—but now everything was shadow.

Click to expand...

I found this a bit confusing. The bulging rifles part didn't seem to fit the rest of the first sentence. I liked the "it'd always been wonderful--but now everything was shadow" part though.

Verdict: Would stop reading.

kkbe said:

First time Albert had one of his episodes—first I know of, anyway—he was about three. I must’ve been nine. Before it happened we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in.

But now I'm thinking I should rework it so the story starts with Mike's reaction to his brother's birth:

I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.

Click to expand...

I vote for #1. It really bothers me that Mike is spewing all that profanity in the second one when he's only 6 years old. Also, I don't think a six-year-old would know that babies can't see two inches from their face.

The first one made me feel for Albert. And I know that those episodes are going to play an important part in the story.

And I liked the imagery of the worm.

Verdict:
Option 1: Would continue reading.
Option 2: Would stop reading.

ellio said:

Bit unsure about this start because of [see whited after the quote]. I'd like to get your first impressions first.

____
Reva and Rasul’s dadiji died in her rocking chair in their kitchen. Her skin was soggy and speckled, her head was tilted mildly towards the open window. She died alone and quite without realizing.
____

In Hindi, dadiji means grandmother. It isn't really made clear that Dadiji is the pairs grandmother until 70 - 100 words after the opening. Not sure if this will make things confusing/offputting for a reader.

Click to expand...

I know you put a note about the part in white, but it wasn't until someone quoted your post that I saw it. I thought that you had just forgotten to add it. There wasn't enough contrast between the words and the background for me to see it at all.

Having said that, I was able to figure out that dadiji was grandmother.

Verdict: Wasn't gripping enough for me to continue, sorry. She'd old. Of course she's going to die. If there was something peculiar about her death or how it impacts her family, then I might read on.

mrsmig said:

I'm glad to have the thread back, too. Thanks, amergina.

This is something I've been playing with as a potential start to the fourth book in my fantasy series:

He wandered through the mist with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground, peering into each soul as if it was a window, smelling and tasting and touching. He sucked out whatever piqued his senses: innocence tangy with new-found guilt, brooding sulphur-scented anger, sleek lust and greasy gluttony and bitter, sticky avarice. He absorbed them all and drifted on, bloated as a tick but still hungry.

Click to expand...

I don't read fantasy, so I'm probably missing something important even here, but I really like this, especially the second sentence ("innocence tangy with new-found guilt" is great) and "bloated as a tick." If I were the type who judges books by the first paragraph (which sadly I'm not), I'd probably read on just based on these, even though I'm not into fantasy. I don't even particularly mind the "flabby feet," personally.

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I really appreciate it.

chompers said:

Are we allowed to post follow-up commentary/questions? Or are we supposed to start a new thread? (And I kind of want to keep the rest of the story for betas to critique.)

But all the feedback here is really great and I'd like to address them.

If not allowed, I want to thank everyone for the great feedback. Gives me lots to consider.
Also, it's multiple 3rd person limited POV, with bits of omniscient narration for direction sprinkled here and there.
And yes, it is intended to be humorous (romantic comedy).

Thanks again, everyone!

Click to expand...

You could respond by writing your response in the text field when giving reps to the people who offered their feedback. My general impression is that follow-up questions should not be included in the thread itself, although I could be wrong about that.

kkbe, count me as a vote for the first one. I prefer more 'positive' introductions to characters even if they are fairly negative later.

And for MrsMig's 'flabby feet', I was fine with that, just having 'soft' along with it was a bit much.

mrsmig said:

Thank you all so much for the comments. I was wondering if the first sentence was a bit much; you've convinced me to save the flabby feet for another day.

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Late to the party here, but FWIW the "flabby feet" was the only part that made me go "err?" I liked the rest of it a lot.

Enjoyed many of the first three so far, will give specific comments in my next post. Here are the first three for my very first WIP:

[FONT=&quot]The dream was fucking fantastic. Vynessa relished the sensual feelings moving through her subconscious mind and vainly tried to fight off the pesky buzzing of her cell phone on the night stand. “Hey,” she answered without sounding too upset, “do you have any idea what time it is?”

*************
Post edit here, with the revised first three based on some great comments:
[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]Her last good dream was years ago, but this dream was fantastic. Vynessa clung as best she could to the gossamer sensations of pleasure and vainly tried to fight off the pesky chirping of her cell phone on the night stand. “Hey,” she answered the phone when she finally gave up on keeping the dream, “do you have any idea what time it is?”[/FONT]