[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

Status
Not open for further replies.

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
Here are the first three sentences of my story:

Rose glanced up from her order pad as she heard the chime ring as the door opened. She froze as she recognized the man who had entered from her long but not so distant past.
“Rose, is everything alright?” one of her regular customers asked drawing her attention back to the present.

First, though there are some issues, the premise in these three lines has me intrigued just enough to read more. I want to know what the deal is with mystery man. Good vibes, bad vibes, romance, girl on the run?

Several others have already pointed out the "as" issue and the awkward "Long but not..." construction. Ditto here. Moving on:

What does she recognize about the man entering? Is it something simple as a physical characteristic, or is it something in the way he moves, commands attention with his harsh stare, his clipped steps. Does she see him clearly enough or what time of day is it? If he's silhoutted against the sun, perhaps the way he cocks a hand at his hip makes her break her pencil on her pad rather than merely freeze. Or his eyes that see the crack in her heart make her want to rabbit out the back, her tips on the nearby table be damned. Give us a little hint into that past. Go after that reaction in the subtle hitch of breath, a sudden nervous tug at her hair, her toes curling hard with the urge to pivot and run, one quick hard thump of her heart...
 

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
Nothing like flinging myself into the deep end of the crit pool. Here are the first three sentences for my novel. Have at it, folks:

A cracking boom sounded through the air, accompanied by a hot sucking rush of wind that almost threw me off balance in my mad dash to get the hell out of dodge. I shifted down on the motorcycle, whipping it around to a stop in the middle of the highway as I dared to look back at the infested city. “What the heck?”
 

Bing Z

illiterate primate
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 3, 2008
Messages
3,787
Reaction score
998
Location
New Jersey
A cracking boom sounded through the air, [don't think is needed] accompanied by a hot sucking rush of wind that almost threw me off balance in my mad dash to get the hell out of dodge [note 1]. I shifted down [body leans down or shifts to low gear?] on the motorcycle, whipping it around to a stop in the middle of the highway [since you bring up highway, is there any traffic?] as I dared to look back at the infested city [TMI, one thing at a time. Infested city can come in next sentence/paragraph.]. “What the heck?”

Setup is intriguing. I will read on a bit to find out what's happening. But your writing is wordy and could use some streamlining.

You're starting in the middle of an action, or a series of actions, and we don't have enough background to fully understand what why who, but at the same time you need snappy depiction w/o TMI slowing down the scene. You've packed too much info into too few space. Kinda tuff, for both you and us.

Note 1: Didn't understand if the MC was already dodging something when the gush of wind came. Furthermore, I thought he was diving to the ground or something, but the following sentence--which showed him on a bike--made me redraw the scenery in my head. Suggest to move bike forward.
 
Last edited:

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 4, 2012
Messages
9,884
Reaction score
7,173
Location
Virginia
Nothing like flinging myself into the deep end of the crit pool. Here are the first three sentences for my novel. Have at it, folks:

A cracking boom sounded through the air, accompanied by a hot sucking rush of wind that almost threw me off balance in my mad dash to get the hell out of dodge. I shifted down on the motorcycle, whipping it around to a stop in the middle of the highway as I dared to look back at the infested city. “What the heck?”

Hah - this is so NOT the deep end. The deep end is the Share Your Work section. This place is the kiddie pool. ;)

In the first sentence, you could easily lose the explain-y "through the air" phrase (one would assume the sound is traveling through air), although that does point up just how limp "sounded" is as an action verb. The second sentence is crammed full of simultaneous action - too full, I think. I am assuming the unattributed dialogue is your narrator speaking; if you added a dialogue tag along with some of the action from the second sentence, it might read a little easier; e.g. I shifted down on the motorcycle, whipping it around to a stop in the middle of the highway. "What the heck?" I muttered, looking back at the infested city. That's just a quick fix; you can no doubt do better.

Overall, though, this is an interesting start, and I'd read on.
 

Wilde_at_heart

υπείκωphobe
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 12, 2012
Messages
3,243
Reaction score
514
Location
Southern Ontario
I feel like your sequence is backward here - that we're seeing Rose's reaction before we know what she's reacting to.

Though I agree with your second point, I disagree with this first bit, and instead think it helps really establish the POV.
Often for a person absorbed in something, they do react first, then realise what they were reacting to. Though most of the time I agree that it's best to show action, then reaction, here I think it works ...
 

Southern_girl29

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 16, 2006
Messages
1,713
Reaction score
569
Location
Tennessee
Thanks everyone. I do appreciate the help. I think combining the sentences will help it flow better, plus it gets you to the heart of the scene faster, too. I may post the rewritten version later.
 

magster

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 24, 2014
Messages
92
Reaction score
6
Location
USA
Nothing like flinging myself into the deep end of the crit pool. Here are the first three sentences for my novel. Have at it, folks:

A cracking boom sounded through the air, accompanied by a hot sucking rush of wind that almost threw me off balance in my mad dash to get the hell out of dodge. I shifted down on the motorcycle, whipping it around to a stop in the middle of the highway as I dared to look back at the infested city. “What the heck?”

1st line. Makes me think I am running from a situation. Good start but too wordy, so pace is affected and drags instead of coming across urgent and desperate. Somehow, I don't associate "cracking" sound with "boom". "Boom" seems more of a lower pitch but very loud. "Cracking" implies a splitting sound, a tearing, of a higher pitch.

2nd line. So I wasn't on my feet. I was on a motorbike. It's a good line, tells me what I'm doing, tells me the infested city scared me, therefore something back there made me scram. "whipping" is very well used, I can see the foot jamming down, the bike stopping. If I am looking back, won't I be facing the opposite direction of the city which means I stopped the bike, but did not spin the bike "around"?

1st and 2nd lines do not connect, like two different scenarios.

3rd line. Adds to the 2nd line, but it's neither here nor there. If cut out, would another line do better in its place?

Overall, I would clarify and tighten. For 3rd line, if I'm looking (from 2nd line) at city, how about giving reader visual of what's happening in the "infested city" - this could make a great hook and cause reader to wonder how and why the city got to that point?
 
Last edited:

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
Appreciate the feedback

Thanks Bing Z, mrsmig, and magster for your comments. Trying not to cram too much into my sentences is a known flaw. *sigh*

mrsmig, your point about "sounded through the air" is well taken. I slapped my head with an "oy!" and that's a good thing. Bing and magster, thanks for noting the potential headscratcher assumption in the first sentence that the MC is on foot when she is in fact on a motorcycle as per next sentence. I shall muse, curse and revise accordingly. magster, I do answer your interest in the "infested city" in the next three sentences. Amazing how just putting out the first three lines can raise so many questions.

Would you believe this is the opener of an urban fantasy romance? ;) Involving zombies, kick-butt biker chicks and sword swinging guys who just dropped out of a wormhole. Of sorts. They say they're dwarves, but the verdict is still out.

And mrsmig, I should revise my statement to say "flinging myself into the deep end of the kiddie pool, my rubber ducky clutched to my chest." I know the critters wait gleefully like sharks in the depths of the Share Your Work.

Thank you kindly. Please let me know if I can return the favor.
 

magster

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 24, 2014
Messages
92
Reaction score
6
Location
USA
Thanks Bing Z, mrsmig, and magster for your comments. Trying not to cram too much into my sentences is a known flaw. *sigh*

mrsmig, your point about "sounded through the air" is well taken. I slapped my head with an "oy!" and that's a good thing. Bing and magster, thanks for noting the potential headscratcher assumption in the first sentence that the MC is on foot when she is in fact on a motorcycle as per next sentence. I shall muse, curse and revise accordingly. magster, I do answer your interest in the "infested city" in the next three sentences. Amazing how just putting out the first three lines can raise so many questions.

Would you believe this is the opener of an urban fantasy romance? ;) Involving zombies, kick-butt biker chicks and sword swinging guys who just dropped out of a wormhole. Of sorts. They say they're dwarves, but the verdict is still out.

And mrsmig, I should revise my statement to say "flinging myself into the deep end of the kiddie pool, my rubber ducky clutched to my chest." I know the critters wait gleefully like sharks in the depths of the Share Your Work.

Thank you kindly. Please let me know if I can return the favor.

Actually, tiddlywinks, every time someone posts 3 lines for crit, I learn. Writing better is a craft that gets better and better. Every 3 lines posted is another honing of my own craft.

So, thank you to you (and to everyone) for posting your 3 lines.
 

BethS

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
11,708
Reaction score
1,763
Would you believe this is the opener of an urban fantasy romance? ;) Involving zombies, kick-butt biker chicks and sword swinging guys who just dropped out of a wormhole. Of sorts. They say they're dwarves, but the verdict is still out.

That sounds like fun. But your opening lacked clarity and was rushed. Take a little more time to get events in the right order and be accurate with your word choices. To me, "cracking boom" sounds like a lightning strike, but that doesn't seem to be what you were intending to convey.
 

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
That sounds like fun. But your opening lacked clarity and was rushed. Take a little more time to get events in the right order and be accurate with your word choices. To me, "cracking boom" sounds like a lightning strike, but that doesn't seem to be what you were intending to convey.

Thanks, Beth. Actually, a sound reminiscent of a lightning strike or a sonic boom WAS my intent to convey sound for the "crackling, swirling hole of lightning and dark smoke opened up several feet off the ground" that the MC sees. But I definitely need to work on my tendency to get adjective happy. I would claim that only happens in the beginning, but, well...erm...

More editing required. *grumble grumble grumble, uncapping red pen*
 

Andrea Rittschof

Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 28, 2012
Messages
220
Reaction score
6
Location
Phoenix
Thanks, Beth. Actually, a sound reminiscent of a lightning strike or a sonic boom WAS my intent to convey sound for the "crackling, swirling hole of lightning and dark smoke opened up several feet off the ground" that the MC sees. But I definitely need to work on my tendency to get adjective happy. I would claim that only happens in the beginning, but, well...erm...

More editing required. *grumble grumble grumble, uncapping red pen*


Got to say I would read the "crackling, swirling hole of lightning and dark smoke opened up several feet off the ground" Sounds way more authentic and more like something a character would think.
 

Monkeyarcher

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 28, 2012
Messages
120
Reaction score
3
Location
Phoenix, AZ
three lines - what the heck

The most immediately remarkable thing about the town of Lakeside was the lack of a lake. At the time when the town founders where deciding upon a name, there had been rumors of a dam being built downstream which would have resulted in the Verdent River to the north growing into a large lake which would have been ripe for resorts. But plans change and the dam was instead built upstream which instead shrunk the river to less than half its size.
 

magster

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 24, 2014
Messages
92
Reaction score
6
Location
USA
The most immediately remarkable thing about the town of Lakeside was the lack of a lake. At the time when the town founders where deciding upon a name, there had been rumors of a dam being built downstream which would have resulted in the Verdent River to the north growing into a large lake which would have been ripe for resorts. But plans change and the dam was instead built upstream which instead shrunk the river to less than half its size.

Very long sentences, not easy to read. Structure, tense need tweaking. So far, the writing is about back then, history, nothing that is happening now.

Is this fiction or non-fiction?
 

Monkeyarcher

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 28, 2012
Messages
120
Reaction score
3
Location
Phoenix, AZ
It is to YA fantasy fiction. Actually it is from the prologue. I know many contest the idea of prologues, but it was the only way that the story seemed to really work. I am radically reworking the first chapter, so there is a chance that the prologue will be nixed (which is a shame, because I actually liked it better than the first chapter, which is why it is being reworked.)
 

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 4, 2012
Messages
9,884
Reaction score
7,173
Location
Virginia
The most immediately remarkable thing about the town of Lakeside was the lack of a lake. At the time When the town founders where were deciding upon a name, there were had been rumors of a dam being built downstream on the Verdent River which would have resulted in the Verdent River to the north growing into, creating a large lake which would have been , ripe for resorts. But plans change and the dam was instead built upstream which instead shrunk, shrinking the river to less than half its size.

I don't mind starting with a little history lesson, but this is way wordy (the second sentence in particular) and not terribly compelling. I've taken a few nips and tucks above just to show how you can streamline this opener.

As it stands, though, I wouldn't read on.
 

Marlys

Resist. Love. Go outside.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 23, 2005
Messages
3,584
Reaction score
979
Location
midwest
A cracking boom sounded through the air, accompanied by a hot sucking rush of wind that almost threw me off balance in my mad dash to get the hell out of dodge. I shifted down on the motorcycle, whipping it around to a stop in the middle of the highway as I dared to look back at the infested city. “What the heck?”

You've already got a lot of good comments about rewording your sentences, so I'll just point out that "Dodge" is a place name and needs to be capitalized.

For those not familiar with the phrase (one critter said something about dodging), it refers to Dodge City, setting for Gunsmoke and other Westerns. "Getting the hell out of Dodge" means leaving a place where there's trouble.
 

Velvet27

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 13, 2014
Messages
269
Reaction score
28
Location
Auckland, New Zealand
Okay, here's my reworked first three. All thoughts very welcome!

His primal instincts surged, a fiery compulsion to hunt that beat at his control. His prey was an indistinct shape in the shaded doorway but he stepped farther back into the shadows of the mist-shrouded trees. He couldn’t risk being seen.
 
Last edited:

Monkeyarcher

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 28, 2012
Messages
120
Reaction score
3
Location
Phoenix, AZ
MrsMig - I like it. I might see if stream-lining the prologue a little will help me feel inspired for reworking chapter 1
 

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
You've already got a lot of good comments about rewording your sentences, so I'll just point out that "Dodge" is a place name and needs to be capitalized.

For those not familiar with the phrase (one critter said something about dodging), it refers to Dodge City, setting for Gunsmoke and other Westerns. "Getting the hell out of Dodge" means leaving a place where there's trouble.

Thanks, Marlys, and all! Good fodder. Got what I needed there.
 

mrsmig

Write. Write. Writey Write Write.
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 4, 2012
Messages
9,884
Reaction score
7,173
Location
Virginia
Okay, here's my reworked first three. All thoughts very welcome!

His primal instincts surged, a fiery compulsion to hunt that beat at his control. His prey was an indistinct shape in the shaded doorway but he stepped farther back into the shadows of the mist-shrouded trees. He couldn’t risk being seen.

This isn't bad, although it teeters on the edge of purple. I had a moment of confusion over who "he" in the second sentence was a reference to (the prey or the unnamed character).

Is there a reason you're not naming the character?
 

tiddlywinks

Chaser of Shineyyyy Plot Bunnies
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
9,424
Reaction score
3,719
Location
Trying to Remember Where I Stashed My Muse
Website
www.elainewitt.com
Okay, here's my reworked first three. All thoughts very welcome!

His primal instincts surged, a fiery compulsion to hunt that beat at his control (note). His prey was an indistinct shape in the shaded doorway, but he stepped farther back into the shadows of the mist-shrouded trees (note 2). He couldn’t risk being seen.

I didn't see your original version if you posted. Figured it best to read this untainted. (So I hope I don't contradict any previous advice you received!)

Is this a murder mystery? Paranormal? I'm not quite hooked yet, to be honest. There's nothing arresting my attention in this scene. Maybe a little hint as to something that catches his attention first? Move up the indistinct shape he's watching the doorway, but give it a little more flare. "The shadow of his prey wavered near the doorway. His blood surged with the fiery compulsion to hunt, beating in a primal rhythm against the slim edge of his control..." You can do better, I'm sure. Even though the prey is indistinct, there's got to be something that catches his attention and makes his primal urges kick in. The indistinct shape just isn't doing it for me.

note: what do you mean "beat at his control"? Is he about to slip and do something deliciously bad? I might find a different word choice for "beat". Waffling out loud here. I get that you're maybe drawing primal and beat together...but it's just not quite working with the control yet. What about "beat at the taut edges of his control"?

note 2: too many similar descriptive elements in this sentence "indistinct", "shaded", "shadows", "mist-shrouded". Prune 'em a bit.
 

Renee J

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 4, 2014
Messages
120
Reaction score
6
Location
Reston, VA
I rewrote mine and added more.

Jacob paced the cramped, curtained room, too angry to sit, cursing the day his ex walked back into their lives. He had finally relaxed, finally convinced Fawn was safe with her mother, when he got the call. Now, his daughter's wrist was likely broken and her mother nowhere to be found.
 

Velvet27

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 13, 2014
Messages
269
Reaction score
28
Location
Auckland, New Zealand
This isn't bad, although it teeters on the edge of purple. I had a moment of confusion over who "he" in the second sentence was a reference to (the prey or the unnamed character).

Is there a reason you're not naming the character?

Hmm, yeah, I wondered if I should reference the prey as female in the opening (it's clear in the next paragraph).

The prologue is told from a villain's perspective, then it goes into the heroine's in Chapter 1. His identity is deliberately vague for a reveal later on. Although, in saying that, I could name him. It just would mean absolutely nothing to the reader until much later when I connect the dots and make the reveal anyway.


I didn't see your original version if you posted. Figured it best to read this untainted. (So I hope I don't contradict any previous advice you received!)

Is this a murder mystery? Paranormal? I'm not quite hooked yet, to be honest. There's nothing arresting my attention in this scene. Maybe a little hint as to something that catches his attention first? Move up the indistinct shape he's watching the doorway, but give it a little more flare. "The shadow of his prey wavered near the doorway. His blood surged with the fiery compulsion to hunt, beating in a primal rhythm against the slim edge of his control..." You can do better, I'm sure. Even though the prey is indistinct, there's got to be something that catches his attention and makes his primal urges kick in. The indistinct shape just isn't doing it for me.

note: what do you mean "beat at his control"? Is he about to slip and do something deliciously bad? I might find a different word choice for "beat". Waffling out loud here. I get that you're maybe drawing primal and beat together...but it's just not quite working with the control yet. What about "beat at the taut edges of his control"?

note 2: too many similar descriptive elements in this sentence "indistinct", "shaded", "shadows", "mist-shrouded". Prune 'em a bit.

Awesome, thanks so much. I think simplifying it sounds about right for me, lol. It's a YA paranormal, so I'm going for a bit of a creepy vibe. Still not quite there yet though :p

For the control thing, you've interpreted that correctly. He's trying to stop himself from doing something bad despite his instincts otherwise. I like beating at the taut edges of his control, that's good.

I was pondering the idea of starting with my second paragraph, I think that could work. Any thoughts on this:


[FONT=&quot]He lifted his face skyward and took a long, deep inhalation that tasted the air, searching for her scent. She turned and he caught it; humanity, copper, a light perfume and something he couldn’t quite place. It was an indefinable fragrance that tantalized the predator within him.[/FONT]
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.