Freakin' hilarious! I love it!More of a failed WIP, really.
Freakin' hilarious! I love it!More of a failed WIP, really.
Is Henry the cat or the body?
Hmmm. Okay. This is the sequel to my current novel, published last April:
The church was surprisingly hard to break into.
Not that Henry had much experience with church robberies. Any goliard would tell you that you could mock a priest and you could cheat a bishop, but actually robbing a church was just bending over and begging Dame Fortune to jam a spear up your backside.
To keep things parallel and moving smoothly, I'd add a modifier to "letters."I arrived home to a hungry cat, letters, and a dead body.
Again to keep things parallel and smooth, I'd state where the cat is. And I'd add some razzmatazz to the cat sentence and Henry sentence to match the mail sentence.Most of the letters were on the kitchen table, although some lay on the floor. Henry was all over.
How does sound cut through heat? It's not as if heat can block or obscure sound after all.The knock on the door cut through the heat of the lazy summer afternoon.
You should probably establish first that the protagonist's mother was in the scene prior to her opening the door. A little description of the mom and the food the protagonist was eating -- like whether the he or she likes rice for breakfast -- would be a good idea, too.I shoveled another bite of rice into my mouth and glanced at the door. My mother wiped her hands on a towel and left the kitchen to answer.
Again to keep things parallel and smooth, I'd state where the cat is. And I'd add some razzmatazz to the cat sentence and Henry sentence to match the mail sentence.
I'd re-write it as something like, "Most of the letters were on the table, some lay on the floor. The cat was in the shitbox, as was the bulk of his piss and excrement. And Henry was the fuck all over."
So mote it be.Thanks, rich--but I think it would then become your story, not my narrator's!
There is no train of thought here, just an assumption/conclusion. If you showed how you got from A to Z, then you'd have a train of thought.Here's mine- first draft of my novelization of my novella Beautiful Trgaedy.
They had never said “I love you” before tonight. But he has said it first, so he must mean it, Daphne's train of thought raced.
I think you could make less more here by simply saying "She reeled at the thought of it." Then you can speak of her smile and her computer.Sitting in front of the glowing computer screen with the biggest smile ever on her face, she reeled at the thought of someone saying “I love you”, and meaning it.
I'd state that McKinnon is a drunk off the bat. I'd also rearrange some stuff and jazz up the days of the week riff a bit. Something like:"Daniel McKinnon decided, watching the ceiling rotating above him, that he hated Tuesdays. As his stomach lurched in time with its spin, he decided also that he hated Wednesdays. And probably Thursdays."
I agree with the previous suggestions, and would either reorder the list or add a modifier to letters.
The original didn't have a tone in my opinion, and it was clunky as hell.
Clunky isn't a tone in my book. For the sake of argument, I'll pretend that it is, however: It's not a good tone, so it's a no-no in my opinion.Letters originally had a modifier (I forget what) but I took it out because I didn't like having three nouns all with adjectives attached. I shall reconsider!
So it had a clunky tone, at least.
Then you need to re-write it.
There's no need to keep hammering the point home, you know .
But some people do come in here with the attitude that THEIR way is the best way, and their mission is to help the rest of the world realise it.
Alrighty...here's mine.
With tangled shoelaces and blood-stained hair, Rebecca escapes into the fresh morning air, leaving the past 14 hours of captivity in her dust. She hears her captor panting behind her and adds momentum to her limping run. Her footsteps lead in the direction of a bungalow at the end of the street, where Mr. Johansen heads to his car for his morning commute to work.
But usually that person is ME!
/dreadful confession
Hmmm. Okay. This is the sequel to my current novel, published last April:
The church was surprisingly hard to break into.
Not that Henry had much experience with church robberies. Any goliard would tell you that you could mock a priest and you could cheat a bishop, but actually robbing a church was just bending over and begging Dame Fortune to jam a spear up your backside.
Henry's the cat.