Bad Writing Advice

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Roxxsmom

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To come up with fun, amusing, terrible advice that sounds almost rational.

You guys are no fun. I'll go sulk somewhere else.

I got the joke. I think Wendig did something similar in one of his blogs, though of course there was more swearing.

I'll add to the list: readers think it's dull for writers to stick with one narrative point of view per scene. Head ping pong is where it's at. Extra points of you can sneak the perspective of an all-knowing narrator in between forays into the deep perceptions of every character in the scene. so the reader really has to work to know which thought or perception is coming from where.

And dialogue about obvious things that all the characters know is a great way to provide backstory and world building. "As you know, Bob, we've been living in an ecotopian dictatorship since the Great Oil Rebellion of 2078, and I've been prone to periodic flashbacks for the past twenty years, because I was in Washington DC when the Earth Bester scum detonated their clean energy bomb."
 
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Calliea

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More, because I think I'm funny.
  • Add a romantic subplot. What? You already have one? No, I mean add another one. Yes, even if you already have two.
  • You need at least one sex scene per book, even if the book has nothing to do with romance. It doesn’t really matter which characters are doing it or how it connects to the plot, just cram it in there.
But... but... what about those of us, who like to read romantic subplots... and you know, stuff... :cry:

~*~

From me: Make sure everyone says the name of your main character (and possibly some others too) a lot. You want it etched into the reader's brain and echoing in their dreams. Plus, how else will they FEEL that dialogue and get what's what if you don't? It makes the conversation sound that much more important!

"I agree, Baby, you make a good point. But what about the cats do, Baby? What will the cats do?"
"Screw them, Loane. They got candy."
"But Baby, I'm not sure. I want to take their candy too. Don't you like candy, Baby? What baby could ever resist a lollipop, Baby?"
"Oh yeah, baby. Didn't think about that."

Isn't that just vibrant?
 
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Viridian

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But... but... what about those of us, who like to read romantic subplots... and you know, stuff... :cry:
Psh. Real writers don't write romance. Romance is for talentless hacks.

Except for me.
 

WriterTrek

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I used to be a helpful, nurturing member of this community. Today I realized that most of you are, in fact, my competition. On that note, here’s a list of things you should definitely be doing.
ROFL, this is fantastic. I very much read it as tongue-in-cheek, and was very surprised to see a few posters appear to take it seriously. I'd think it was pretty clear, even if I was a newbie, but maybe that's just me.

Let's see...

1. Never go back and change events you've already written. You can't change the past, so you shouldn't be able to do it for your characters either. Whatever evolves when you first write a draft is the correct sequence of events!

2. Don't let anyone tell you that your characters don't make or should/shouldn't act a certain a way. They're your characters and you know them best!

3. Exclamation points are your friend! They are very good at adding emphasis! And indicating shouting! Use them often for important sentences!


...but seriously, your post made my day a little brighter. Don't let anyone get you down.
 
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Sonsofthepharaohs

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I'm adding this one, because I can't believe no one has mentioned it yet, and it is probably THE most important piece of writing advice if you ever want to get published:

Always start with a waking up scene. They're totally fresh and original. Then, in order to make your reader identify with your character, you must show that they are just like them by detailing their entire typical morning routine, like brushing their teeth, getting dressed, making coffee, going to work - it is very important to establish that your character does all these things, just like your readers.

But here's the even cleverer bit...

Always END your novel with a waking up scene too! Yes, that's right, if the last words of your novel aren't 'it was all a dream after all' then you will risk people thinking your story actually happened, and then it will have to be shelved with non fiction.
 

phantasy

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From me: Make sure everyone says the name of your main character (and possibly some others too) a lot. You want it etched into the reader's brain and echoing in their dreams. Plus, how else will they FEEL that dialogue and get what's what if you don't? It makes the conversation sound that much more important!

"I agree, Baby, you make a good point. But what about the cats do, Baby? What will the cats do?"
"Screw them, Loane. They got candy."
"But Baby, I'm not sure. I want to take their candy too. Don't you like candy, Baby? What baby could ever resist a lollipop, Baby?"
"Oh yeah, baby. Didn't think about that."

Isn't that just vibrant?

I used to do this! Well, I still do this...I don't know why, it just sounds better in my head. But now I know to watch for it.

I'm loving this thread btw, keep them coming.
 

Sage

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- It is highly important that the reader visualizes your MC exactly the way you do. Make sure that you find some way to have the MC check out his or her reflection and spend lots of time examining how he or she looks.

- On a related note, a description coming late in the book--for any character!--is as good as one that came early. Better to rewrite the reader's visual of the character later than to have them visualizing that character wrong.
 

Dreity

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Many manuscripts aspire to be "gritty", but few actually are. To make yours pass the smell test, find a way to mention poop within the first three paragraphs. Preferably, your MC will be moving barefoot through it as they slink from street to filthy street.

If you can't get everything perfect in the first draft, then you're probably a failure and should just give up and starting looking for that red stapler now. You're gonna need it, buddy.

One.

Word.

Paragraphs.

Drama, emphasis, style - those babies are going to put the reader right on the edge of their seat. If you're writing a thriller, you basically want one of these at the end of every chapter.

Also fragments.
 
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phantasy

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My advice:

Please remember women have only two personalities: Stark, raving bitch and amicable doormat. There are no shades in the middle of these two. And women only prefer two roles in life: mother and mate. They don't care for adventure, or dirt, or being alone, or anything shows that they have nuance.

Make sure everyone is beautiful. No one wants to read about ugly people. No one wants to read about outsiders, either. Outsiders are either murderers or creeps.

Anti-climactic endings are the best. Just building up and up, it'll keep them so preoccupied they won't notice your fizzled out ending.

(Btw, I find a lot of published works have taken this same advice, even popular authors.)
 

Viridian

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You're all perfect. I love all of you.
 

Fruitbat

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The best books are the ones where the main character wakes up at the end and we learn the entire book was just a dream! Second best, we learn the book was just a joke. Third best, we learn the main character was actually a dog!
 
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ArachnePhobia

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Good writing is hard. Do you know how hard it is? Palindromes are the only kinds of sentences reputable editors will accept. I'm totally serious; don't even try to submit a manuscript if you can't make every sentence in the book read the same way backwards and forwards. You also have to line up the words to work acrostic messages vertically into your paragraphs. Otherwise, you're just not trying.

Oh, and your word count has to be a prime number. Has to be. It's the mark of a true professional.
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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Also, people love it when you kill off the hero mid-book. It's poignant and tragic and will give your novel emotional depth. Particularly if the rest of the book is just about the other characters moping about wondering what the point of it all was. Just like the reader is wondering what the point of the first half of the book was. Profound.
 

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Anti-climactic endings are the best. Just building up and up, it'll keep them so preoccupied they won't notice your fizzled out ending.

Oh, no, much better is just to stop the book and finish it in the sequel. All the better if you can end in the middle of a battle that seemed like it might have been the climax, but apparently not because the book ended without finishing the battle. Readers will run out to buy your next book because they have to find out how that battle ends! If you don't have battles, that's fine. Any kind of cliffhanger will do. This is especially true if this is your first novel.
 

Brightdreamer

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Oh, and your word count has to be a prime number. Has to be. It's the mark of a true professional.

Maybe a semi-professional.

A true professional always ensures that the word count can be divided by the year in which it was published, with the remainder being the exact number of pages in the novel. That's the only way to demonstrate that you're a master wordsmith.

Also, italics! And CAPITAL ITALICS, with multiple exclamation points!!!
 

PandaMan

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The best advice I can offer is to delete all your characters. You don't need 'em. They're so cliche. Jeez, every story ever written has 'em. Why would you want to be like everyone else?

Be bold, be creative, be unique. Delete all your characters.
 

jjdebenedictis

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Remember that television and video games have slurped away all the people who used to read for entertainment. Nowadays, the only people who read novels are those who care about theme, subtext, and metaphor. If you focus on characters or plot, your book won't have any commercial prospects.
 

phantasy

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The whiner your character is, the more the audience will sympathize them. In fact, they'll have tons of patience to follow this character for three books, knowing they'll be a total badass in the end.

Concise writing is boring.

Every action should be illustrated completely, everything from how the character's hand moves to where their eyes look.
 

ArachnePhobia

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true professional always ensures that the word count can be divided by the year in which it was published, with the remainder being the exact number of pages in the novel. That's the only way to demonstrate that you're a master wordsmith.

And with that in mind, don't forget you have to send the MS in the industry's standard font.

Which, as everyone knows, is 28-point Matisse ITC.
 

Viridian

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Love at first sight is old hat. Every romantic relationship should start with the two characters trying to kill each other.

Wait, no, I'm actually doing that one.
 

PandaMan

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Oh, almost forgot. You should make every noun an anagram. Give it that Da Vinci Code feel, ya know? That one technique is guaranteed to make your story a massive best seller.
 
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