[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

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BethS

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Totally agree. I usually write the first chapter last. It's hard! First impressions...
gotta captivate them enough to continue with the rest.

Having said that, here's mine. This is one where I didn't leave the beginning till the end, mainly because it was due. :p

~~~~
If Lexie Grant had known what was going to happen in the next forty-eight hours, she would never have left her home. Instead, she would have locked the front door, pulled the drapes closed, maybe pushed her sofa against the front door, then barricaded herself inside until Monday morning.

But of course that wasn’t what happened.

Here's another one I like. The hook is an obvious one, but it's the voice that carries it. And it has the huge advantage of being straightforward and clear, my personal requirements for a good opening.
 

BethS

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I'm glad to have the thread back, too. Thanks, amergina.

This is something I've been playing with as a potential start to the fourth book in my fantasy series:

He wandered through the mist with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground, peering into each soul as if it was a window, smelling and tasting and touching. He sucked out whatever piqued his senses: innocence tangy with new-found guilt, brooding sulphur-scented anger, sleek lust and greasy gluttony and bitter, sticky avarice. He absorbed them all and drifted on, bloated as a tick but still hungry.

This piques my curiosity and I like the writing. You need subjunctive tense in that first sentence, "...as if it were..."

The word window made me picture something with glass, which is a barrier that would prevent touching, tasting, and smelling. Maybe if you said "open window"?

ETA: I loved the flabby feet. That's part of what hooked me. It made such an intriguing visual. Could drop "soft," though.
 
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BethS

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I'm (re)considering where I should start my novel. Right now, it starts with the mc Mike remembering the first time he saw his little brother having a vision:

First time Albert had one of his episodes—first I know of, anyway—he was about three. I must’ve been nine. Before it happened we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in.

But now I'm thinking I should rework it so the story starts with Mike's reaction to his brother's birth:

I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.

I like the first one better. The second one is off-putting to me. IMO, maybe it would be better placed farther into the book, after the reader has gotten to know Albert and his brother.

Did you intend to use "laying" instead of "lying"?
 

amergina

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Are we allowed to post follow-up commentary/questions? Or are we supposed to start a new thread? (But I kind of want to keep the rest of the story for betas to critique.)

But all the feedback here is really great and I'd like to address them.

If not allowed, I want to thank everyone for the great feedback. Gives me lots to consider.
Also, it's multiple 3rd person limited POV, with bits of omniscient narration for direction sprinkled here and there.
And yes, it is intended to be humorous (romantic comedy). :)

Thanks again, everyone!

Follow-up questions in-thread are fine, unless they're really huge ones, like "How do I do omniscient third POV" or something like that. You can thank folks by rep points (click the little scale) or send them a PM if you want to get into the nitty gritty. :)
 

SkyeScribble

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He wandered through the mist with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground, peering into each soul as if it was a window, smelling and tasting and touching. He sucked out whatever piqued his senses: innocence tangy with new-found guilt, brooding sulphur-scented anger, sleek lust and greasy gluttony and bitter, sticky avarice. He absorbed them all and drifted on, bloated as a tick but still hungry.

Very good imagery, with your sensory description of the vices. I love the final sentence, it makes me want to read more. When you say he has "soft flabby feet" it puts the image of a child in my head. I don't know if that's what you're going for. Sucking and peering give the image of a gaping mouth and clouded eyes even though you mentioned nothing of the sort. If this too is your image of the character, then you did a very impressive job conveying it. You could probably do with less adjectives though.
 

Beachgirl

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From the satirical crime-fiction I'm working on:

Jimmy tugged on the rope he held and pulled the unsuspecting hog into the fenced pen, toward its final resting place. He eyed the dark water taking up most of the space inside the enclosure, noting the bubbles gurgling up to the surface near the center of the pool. Clyde was under there, all right, and Jimmy was going to make damn sure he was out of the pen before Clyde came up for breakfast.
 

SkyeScribble

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Jimmy tugged on the rope he held and pulled the unsuspecting hog into the fenced pen, toward its final resting place. He eyed the dark water taking up most of the space inside the enclosure, noting the bubbles gurgling up to the surface near the center of the pool. Clyde was under there, all right, and Jimmy was going to make damn sure he was out of the pen before Clyde came up for breakfast.

Interesting, especially the last line. I think the first sentence could stand to be shorter, "tugged on the rope he held and pulled" sounds redundant, maybe just "tugged the bound hug" or something of that manner (except that that's not in your voice at all). I'm pretty sure it should be "towards" and not "toward" but I could be wrong. I especially like the allusion towards this "Clyde" character, I'm very curious to see who or what he is. Perhaps an alligator?
Overall, I like it and would continue reading. A crime satire involving condemned pigs and mysterious slush water creatures? I'm hooked.
 

kkbe

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May I step in for just a sec? Re: my two ideas--I counted five for keeping #1, two for starting with #2, and one recusal. ;)

Oh, re:
BethS: I like the first one better. The second one is off-putting to me. IMO, maybe it would be better placed farther into the book, after the reader has gotten to know Albert and his brother.
Right now, that's where it is. :)
Did you intend to use "laying" instead of "lying"?
Yes, because that's how Mike talks.

And I may tone down the profanity in that later scene, although. . . that's how Mike talks sometimes. Even at six. I still love him though.

Thank you guys very much for the input.
 

Beachgirl

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Interesting, especially the last line. I think the first sentence could stand to be shorter, "tugged on the rope he held and pulled" sounds redundant, maybe just "tugged the bound hug" or something of that manner (except that that's not in your voice at all). I'm pretty sure it should be "towards" and not "toward" but I could be wrong. I especially like the allusion towards this "Clyde" character, I'm very curious to see who or what he is. Perhaps an alligator?
Overall, I like it and would continue reading. A crime satire involving condemned pigs and mysterious slush water creatures? I'm hooked.

Thanks! And yep, Clyde's a gator. A really big one with a bad attitude who likes his food raw...and still breathing.
 

ap123

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May I step in for just a sec? Re: my two ideas--I counted five for keeping #1, two for starting with #2, and one recusal. ;)

Oh, re: Right now, that's where it is. :)
Yes, because that's how Mike talks.

And I may tone down the profanity in that later scene, although. . . that's how Mike talks sometimes. Even at six. I still love him though.

Thank you guys very much for the input.

Without hesitation, the first one--because it's the beginning of THIS story. :)
 

kkbe

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Aaron Abbot: The dream was fucking fantastic. Vynessa relished the sensual feelings moving through her subconscious mind and vainly tried to fight off the pesky buzzing of her cell phone on the night stand. “Hey,” she answered without sounding too upset, “do you have any idea what time it is?”
The first line piques my interest. Word choice--"fucking" in the first sentence, "pesky" in the second--reflects an inconsistency in tone to me; "without sounding too upset" feels like a tell. As is, I think I would take a pass.
Beachgirl: Jimmy tugged on the rope he held and pulled the unsuspecting hog into the fenced pen, toward its final resting place. He eyed the dark water taking up most of the space inside the enclosure, noting the bubbles gurgling up to the surface near the center of the pool. Clyde was under there, all right, and Jimmy was going to make damn sure he was out of the pen before Clyde came up for breakfast.
You can tighten this. I think "he held" is redundant, if he's tugging on that rope, he's holding it. I think you could ramp the tension a bit and tighten by losing "into the fenced pen." You might add "fenced" right before "enclosure" to preserve that image. So, Jimmy tugged on the rope and pulled the unsuspecting hog toward its final resting place. He eyed the dark water taking up most of the space inside the fenced enclosure. . .Last sentence, clarify who "he" refers to. You've piqued my morbid curiosity so yes, I'd continue reading.
 
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WriteMinded

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I'm glad to have the thread back, too. Thanks, amergina.

This is something I've been playing with as a potential start to the fourth book in my fantasy series:

He wandered through the mist with his soft flabby feet barely touching the ground, peering into each soul as if it was a window, smelling and tasting and touching. He sucked out whatever piqued his senses: innocence tangy with new-found guilt, brooding sulphur-scented anger, sleek lust and greasy gluttony and bitter, sticky avarice. He absorbed them all and drifted on, bloated as a tick but still hungry.
Yessir. I want the next paragraphs.

One thing — and this is a question, not a criticism — Is it "as if it was a window" or should it be "as if it were a window". Time was, I'd have used "as if it were" but many things have changed. I still cringe when snuck is used, instead of sneaked. OR - maybe you are too young to know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, nice start. Squeegy character.
 

WriteMinded

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This revamped forum is coming at a good time. Let's see. .

I'm (re)considering where I should start my novel. Right now, it starts with the mc Mike remembering the first time he saw his little brother having a vision:

First time Albert had one of his episodes—first I know of, anyway—he was about three. I must’ve been nine. Before it happened we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in.
IMHO: Perfect.

But now I'm thinking I should rework it so the story starts with Mike's reaction to his brother's birth:
Why ya thinking that?

I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.
This makes me think I'll be reading chapter upon chapter of babyhood. So, I'd skip ahead to see if my suspicions prove valid. You can stick this info in anywhere; it doesn't need to be in the first few sentences. If fact, it wasn't until you got to over-thinking. Is that about right? :)
 

WriteMinded

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I found this a bit confusing. The bulging rifles part didn't seem to fit the rest of the first sentence. I liked the "it'd always been wonderful--but now everything was shadow" part though.

Verdict: Would stop reading.

You guys are making me feel either really smart or really dirty-minded. Am I really the only one who understands richcapo's reference to rifles and guns?
:roll:
 

MartinaMay

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KK: My vote is for #1, because it tells me something is going to happen. #1 is over the top for me and doesn't give me an idea something is going to happen. If that makes sense.

mrsmig: I love your first three; like others, the flabby feet threw me for a second, only because it made me think of plump babies. The rest sucks me right in.

Here's the first three from my latest:

The look in my twin brother’s eyes said he’d murder me, given the chance.
Not that I blamed him. I’d jumped him in the hallway, overpowered his puny attempts at self-defense, hogtied him, and dragged him into the privy.
 

Aaron Abbott

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Thanks for the feedback! Definitely helpful, back to the writing board for reworking.

With just the first three, every word counts.
 

chompers

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You guys are making me feel either really smart or really dirty-minded. Am I really the only one who understands richcapo's reference to rifles and guns?
:roll:
I don't think we're acquainted enough to freely insult each other yet. I'd expect dinner first at least.

I had looked at it from the dirty perspective. It was still confusing.
 
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Mistiko

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From my first WIP:

Women in dreary dresses were roaming inside the Market Hall with their wicker baskets swinging monotonously. Neal leaned his back against an iron column and crossed his arms. It was Leo's turn to steal money for their food, but he was late.
 

kkbe

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Ola.
WriteMinded:
Originally Posted by kkbe
But now I'm thinking I should rework it so the story starts with Mike's reaction to his brother's birth:

Why ya thinking that?

Because the first few cpts. of my novel right now kind of jump around, time-wise. From when Mike is nine, to when he's six, before Albert's born and after. I have a lot of info dump in there, in the form of vignettes and I know I have to cut a lot of that. So I was thinking, write this chronologically. . .

I have some thinking to do. . .

Originally Posted by kkbe
I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.

This makes me think I'll be reading chapter upon chapter of babyhood. So, I'd skip ahead to see if my suspicions prove valid. You can stick this info in anywhere; it doesn't need to be in the first few sentences. If fact, it wasn't until you got to over-thinking. Is that about right? :)

Yeah, that just about covers it.
MartinaMay: KK: My vote is for #1, because it tells me something is going to happen. #1

You mean #2?
is over the top for me and doesn't give me an idea something is going to happen. If that makes sense

Umm. . .
 
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ElaineA

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Martina: Love your first 3. I'd definitely keep going.

Mistiko: I really like the second two. I'm curious about Neal and Leo and their dynamic. I would read on but I think you could rework that first sentence to make it stronger. It has too many 2-word descriptions and it gets too rhythmic. "Women in dreary dresses were roaming inside the Market Hall with their wicker baskets swinging monotonously."
 
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Mistiko

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Mistiko: I really like the second two. I'm curious about Neal and Leo and their dynamic. I would read on but I think you could rework that first sentence to make it stronger. It has too many 2-word descriptions and it gets too rhythmic. "Women in dreary dresses were roaming inside the Market Hall with their wicker baskets swinging monotonously."

Thanks for the feedback and you're right about the first sentence. Glad you'd keep reading!
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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From my first WIP:

Women in dreary dresses were roaming inside the Market Hall with their wicker baskets swinging monotonously. Neal leaned his back against an iron column and crossed his arms. It was Leo's turn to steal money for their food, but he was late.

I agree with Elaine about the first line.

My thoughts about the second are: iron column? don't think i've heard of a column being made out of solid iron - a railing, yes, or a funnel, like on a ship. But a column? doesn't sound right.

and the third: why is Leo stealing money to buy food, when they could cut the process in half and just steal the food?
 
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