Bad Writing Advice

JHFC said:

Make sure your characters have the initials JC. Always.

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Ha! Just realized my protag's are, but he loses his family name early on. But it wasn't intentional, seriously, and I'm not even religious. Actually, I had a heck of a time even thinking what his last name should be or how surnames work in his homeland.

Always use generic verbs but dress them up with lots of adverbs. Don't have someone plod across the room when they could walk slowly, dispiritedly and heavily instead.

Plot twists. I cannot stress their importance enough. Your goal is to keep the reader on the edge of their seat and the easiest way to get that is to take 90 degree turns whenever it looks loke the action is settling down. After all how could the book be bad if right before the MC is about to marry the love of her life aliens crash the party and reveal he is actually her brother and a gigantic meteor is descending toward earth and only a woman trained in the art of (insert completely incomprehensible word here, preferrably with multiple apostrophies) by the greatest smeerp warlord of all time (conveniently known as Dad) can save everyone.

BOOM. Blockbuster. You can thank me later.

If you're having trouble writing "young", just be sure to plunk down a reference to MySpace or hip-hip ever couple o' pages in the final edits. HTH!

Always be sure to go on meandering jags, use footnotes, and use detailed recipes. It's still fresh and innovative!

Awesome! Keep it up. Also just rely on spell check don't really re read and catch stuff that's spelled correctly that means something totally different than intended. Just rely on spell check, hit it and when it reads, you're good to go, just hit save and send it that way to an agent.

ViridianChick said:

I used to be a helpful, nurturing member of this community. Today I realized that most of you are, in fact, my competition. On that note, here’s a list of things you should definitely be doing.

• Every time your character enters a room, make sure you describe everything. Oh, there’s a dog? How many fleas does it have? No, I mean an actual number. Like, count them.
  
• Every noun needs an adjective. Every verb needs and adverb. All of them.
  
• Use your thesaurus all the time. Never speak plainly; use as many big words as possible. Ideally, everyone should buy your book, but no one should actually be able to read it.
  
• Your characters need to be believable, and need to feel real. In particular, pay close attention to gender. Women are never violent, and men never cry. It’s okay to break these rules occasionally, but only if you immediately point out how your character is different from other women/men/ambigender space lesbians.
  
• Make sure you explain your main character’s entire backstory before you bother having any action.
  
• Does your story start with a serious, exciting conflict? You’re probably starting too late in the plot. Add a prologue. Already have a prologue? Start even earlier. Oh, you start with the birth of the protagonist? Better start with the parent's origin story.
  
• Writing every day is for soulless automatons. You need inspiration before you write. Oodles of it. In fact, don’t bother writing unless you’re so excited you literally can’t stop yourself.
  
• Children make great characters. They're super easy to write, because all children are innocent, charming, precocious troublemakers. But don't ever make them do anything. Children have no agency. They're basically plot moppets.
  
• Yes, you do need that glass of wine.

Good luck. If you have any advice to add, feel free. I’d love to hear it.

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You must never ever swear no matter what kind of situation the characters are in or even if they're the type who would have few qualms about it. It doesn't matter if you're characters are Victorian lords or street kids from Brooklyn, when the end of the world comes and the four horsemen are heading right down the street, your characters' response should be to turn to each other and say, "I say, old chap, this latest turn of events really steams my beans." You don't want to offend some blue-hair with nothing but time on their hands by having a character say, "Oh shit!" Or heaven forbid! Use poor grammar in a time of crisis.

ACE thread. I've learned so much! This one needs repeating:

Emermouse said:

When writing erotica, never use the actual words for the body parts you're writing about....the hero doesn't thrust his penis into her vagina, he thrusts his massive knockwurst of love into her passion persimmon.

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My advice (which is actually more about rewriting): Distrust your editor's/critique partner's advice and make an effort to justify any "errors" they point out. YOU'RE the writer. What could they possibly see that you can't see?

First drafts are gold-sh*tting unicorns that must not be tainted with revision. Never forget, you are a genius.

Everyone knows three is the strongest number, so every time you write about something significant make sure to describe it three times.

This will make your work strong, consistent and clear. To not do this makes your sentences weak, boring and lifeless. It also increases your word count, which is not only time saving and useful but also showcases your mastery of description, sentences and grammar and can be built upon in longer, more complex sentences with more clauses for dramatic effect, tension or whatever else you can imagine.

Gritty.

I enjoy this thread, love a little fun

Oh, and my advice: quit reading. You are a writer and you already know how to develop your story, so don't waste your time on works of other authors.