Grammar Spotcheck

Okay, Andy, I'll weigh in, but I won't have my feathers ruffled if anyone corrects me later. I'm just someone with generally good grammar. I have no credentials in copyediting or similar.

Edward’s boss stood behind him. His hands were on Edward’s shoulders, too close to his neck. When Edward tried to shrug him off, he tightened his grip. Jack O’Donnell was a big man...

To answer the question you asked, according to Allen Guthrie's paper, which is an excellent sticky in the basic writing forum:

[FONT=&quot]30: Pronouns are big trouble for such little words. The most useful piece of information I ever encountered on the little blighters was this: pronouns refer to the nearest matching noun backwards. For example: John took the knife out of its sheath and stabbed Paul with it. Well, that’s good news for Paul. If you travel backwards from ‘it’, you’ll see that John has stabbed Paul with the sheath! Observing this rule leads to much clearer writing.

[FONT=&quot]So according to Guthrie, in [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]"When Edward tried to shrug him off, he tightened his grip[FONT=&quot]," the he wou[FONT=&quot]ld refer to Edward.

[FONT=&quot]I personally found [FONT=&quot]the sentence[/FONT] confusing as a reader, and think it could benefit from rewording. [FONT=&quot](I feel your pain.) [/FONT][/FONT]
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]

I agree with Cathleen that it would be preferable to reword the whole paragraph. The pronouns do not make it an easy read. I assume there's a reason why Jack isn't named sooner.

AndyD said:

Does this help at all?

Click to expand...

I think you would be better served by considering posting your opening chapter in the relative SYW Forum. This is developing into a structural issue, not one of grammar.

AndyD said:

Thanks for being so quick guys. This is right at the start of my story and is making it impossible for me to edit the rest as I keep tripping over it.

And now?

"Every eight minutes, Edward’s head would twitch. He didn’t notice. Perched before his computer, waiting for his code to finish compiling, the only thing on his mind was whether he would lose his job.

Jack O’Donnell stood behind him. His hands were on Edward’s shoulders. When Edward tried to shrug him off, Jack tightened his grip. He was a big man. "

Click to expand...

Put it in the first 200 word thread (nobody said you had to use all 200), and I bet you'll get lots of help.

"Edward’s boss stood behind him. His hands were on Edward’s shoulders, too close to his neck. When Edward tried to shrug him off, he tightened his grip. Jack O’Donnell was a big man... "

I don't have any problem with the above at all. To me it's clear who's where, and who's doing what to whom. I think it's done pretty well. Perhaps you could add 'resting' after 'His hands were...'

The following doesn't makes sense:

"Every eight minutes, Edward’s head would twitch. He didn’t notice. Perched before his computer, waiting for his code to finish compiling, the only thing on his mind was whether he would lose his job."

If Edward isn't noticing his own head twitch, who is?

The POV is confused. If we're seeing it from Edward's POV then he obviously wouldn't be able to comment on a head twitch he hadn't noticed. But if it's from an exterior POV, how do we know what's on his mind?

"Jack O’Donnell stood behind him. His hands were on Edward’s shoulders, straddling his employee's neck. He was a big man."

'Straddling' is the wrong word here. It's too closely connected with the act of sitting (on a horse or chair for example). I'd go back to the original.

There isn't a single thing wrong with what you wrote, not grammatically, and not in style.

I gotta question, boss[es]

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]What[FONT=&quot] it's been[FONT=&quot]:[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
Everyone goes back to reading about whoever soldier died after volunteering for the infamous lost cause.

[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]S[/FONT]hould it be[FONT=&quot], '...whatever s[FONT=&quot]oldier...'[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]? I[FONT=&quot]'m thin[FONT=&quot]king[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] whoever is correct, but [FONT=&quot]I keep looking at it like it's trying to take a sh!t[FONT=&quot] on the page.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[/FONT]

M.S. Wiggins said:

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Or should it be[FONT=&quot], '...whatever s[FONT=&quot]oldier...'[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]? I[FONT=&quot]'m thin[FONT=&quot]king[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] whoever is correct, but [FONT=&quot]I keep looking at it like it's trying to take a sh!t[FONT=&quot] on the page.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[/FONT]

Click to expand...

You're thinking wrong.

Also, please don't put the text in a quote box, as it then doesn't show up when other people quote your post.

Everyone goes back to reading about whoever soldier died after volunteering for the infamous lost cause

It's whichever soldier, not either whoever or whatever.

Because we're a full-service operation here, I also think you probably don't mean 'after volunteering,' but 'while volunteering,' or 'while participating in,' or 'while fighting for,' or something.

Or should it be, '...whatever soldier...'? I'm thinking whoever is correct, but I keep looking at it like it's trying to take a sh!t on the page.

cornflake said:

You're thinking wrong.

Also, please don't put the text in a quote box, as it then doesn't show up when other people quote your post.

Everyone goes back to reading about whoever soldier died after volunteering for the infamous lost cause

It's whichever soldier, not either whoever or whatever.

Because we're a full-service operation here, I also think you probably don't mean 'after volunteering,' but 'while volunteering,' or 'while participating in,' or 'while fighting for,' or something.

Click to expand...

Cornflake offers excellent advice on all points. Since "whoever" isn't an option, my little memory trick add-on is lame, but for future use, whenever "who/whom" follows a proposition such as about, it becomes objective. Thus, about whomever would be the correct choice (if not dealing with colloquial dialog or narration).

I've decided to rework the sentence entirely:

Everyone goes back to reading the immortalizing headstones of soldiers who died while volunteering for the infamous lost cause.


Better?

Chase said:

Since "whoever" isn't an option, my little memory trick add-on is lame, but for future use, whenever "who/whom" follows a proposition such as about, it becomes objective. Thus, about whomever would be the correct choice (if not dealing with colloquial dialog or narration).

Click to expand...

Nope. "Whomever" cannot govern the verb "died." You would say "about whoever died while volunteering" if you wanted to replace "whichever soldier" with a pronoun.

M.S. Wiggins said:

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]What[FONT=&quot] it's been[FONT=&quot]:[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
Everyone goes back to reading about whoever soldier died after volunteering for the infamous lost cause.

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]S[/FONT]hould it be[FONT=&quot], '...whatever s[FONT=&quot]oldier...'[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]? I[FONT=&quot]'m thin[FONT=&quot]king[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] whoever is correct, but [FONT=&quot]I keep looking at it like it's trying to take a sh!t[FONT=&quot] on the page.[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[/FONT]

Click to expand...

Whichever, actually.

M.S. Wiggins said:

I've decided to rework the sentence entirely:

Everyone goes back to reading the immortalizing headstones of soldiers who died while volunteering for the infamous lost cause.


Better?

Click to expand...

Yes! Except I'd add "the" in front of soldiers. "...of the soldiers who died..."

Thank you, cornflake, Chase, absitinvidia, and BethS, for your help. The sentence now reads:

Everyone goes back to reading the immortalizing headstones of the soldiers who died while volunteering for the infamous lost cause.

I have two more sentences I could use some help with...(inserting my wide, hopeful eyes and best charming smile here). I’m not sure if it’s a grammar issue or standard awkwardness—or both!

"Only now do I realize that he’s clutching a bible to his chest, giving it a firm pat as though the proof lies within the bound pages."
It’s the second half of the sentence that produces that little furrow on my forehead. Maybe it should be …within its bound pages. Or maybe it’s the …bound pages that’s wrong. Or is it something else entirely that I’m not thinking about?


Also:


"Though he hasn’t said all that much, I’ve heard and had enough of him. It’s with an imperfect and yet deeply satisfied pleasure that I take while running my fist through the middle of him."
This whole sentence goes beyond the furrow and produces a full-blown snarl. About half of the beta readers have made comments, but they differ in how/where to fix it.



BTW, the protagonist isn’t beating up a Reverend. These two sentences come from different sections of the ms.

M.S. Wiggins said:

I have two more sentences I could use some help with...(inserting my wide, hopeful eyes and best charming smile here). I’m not sure if it’s a grammar issue or standard awkwardness—or both!

"Only now do I realize that he’s clutching a bible to his chest, giving it a firm pat as though the proof lies within the bound pages."
It’s the second half of the sentence that produces that little furrow on my forehead. Maybe it should be …within its bound pages. Or maybe it’s the …bound pages that’s wrong. Or is it something else entirely that I’m not thinking about?

Click to expand...

[FONT=&quot]I don't know all of the context, but I have a problem with the present tense being used. I think that:[/FONT]
"At that point I realized that he was clutching a Bible to his chest, giving it a firm pat, as though the proof lay within the bound pages." would be better.

"Though he hasn’t said all that much, I’ve heard and had enough of him. It’s with an imperfect and yet deeply satisfied pleasure that I take while running my fist through the middle of him."
This whole sentence goes beyond the furrow and produces a full-blown snarl. About half of the beta readers have made comments, but they differ in how/where to fix it.



BTW, the protagonist isn’t beating up a Reverend. These two sentences come from different sections of the ms.

Click to expand...

"Though he hasn’t said all that much, I’ve heard and had enough of him. It was a great pleasure to ram my fist into his middle."

I think you just used too many words on that one, unless that isn't what you meant.