Sex scenes: how do you do them?

I don't write them often (max 2-3 per book, and those only for my general-market offerings), but I like to concentrate more on what he and she are feeling, rather than Part A into Part B. Is he nervous? Is it their first time? Is she wondering if he'll find her attractive? What's the mood going in? Playful? Emotional? Post-fight sex? Spiritual? Angry?

Dig into their heads; in my experience the bodies sort of take care of things on their own.

HTH

It doesn't have to be play-by-play. Figure out what you want the scene to accomplish, and put in the details that illustrate that. Also keep in mind the POV character and what feels natural to include or leave out for that person--I've written characters so reserved it didn't feel right to give them an explicit scene at all.

May I ask:

What genre?
Who are the characters? (both MCs/one MC-one lesser char/none of the above...)
Why are they having sex?

The reason I ask is dynamics. Frex, if this is a space odyssey and these are two rather desperate people alone on a ship, that's one thing. It's another if this is a contemp story and they are lovers, another if they are relative strangers. Lots of character dynamics can inform how to write a sex scene, and, frankly, have an impact on even part A into slot B bits, whether you need to show them or fade-to-black, etc.

What Deb and Marlys are saying is dead on, that the individual character determines much of this, but also the dual (or more ) dynamic comes into play. It's a lot to think about when you're learning, so the best thing you can do is what you've been doing: write it until it feels right, then let your betas tell you if you're on the mark or not.

Ugh. I hate writing sex scenes any more. They get written and rewritten more than any other scenes in my books. I just kind of grit my teeth and muddle through. Fortunately, I only ever have maybe 3 scenes total per book. whew.

[FONT=&quot]ETA - I will second recommending Stacia Kane's guide[/FONT]. It is very helpful.

The most helpful guide to writing sex scenes I have ever seen is this blog series by Stacia Kane. Very thorough, very clearly explained, with lots of examples.

There's some good advice in this thread in SYW - http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=136357

I hate them too. I honestly hate writing them or reading them. I'm very picky with what I like in that way, and other people's ideas about "hot sex" almost always gross me out (nipple pinching or sucking results in me closing a book instantly *shudders violently*) And I can't write them in a way that would truly turn ME on, because 1) that would be embarrassing and 2) it would probably gross out the reader.

I've settled on focusing on the emotion of the sex scene and none of the physical stuff. I avoid physical descriptions of body parts and sensations as much as possible. This is something that gets harder for me as I get older. I guess I've become more conservative. lol

I'll third the recommendation on Stacia Kane's series for thinking about writing sex, the lead ups, creating tension and more. Even if you're not writing That Type of Book, you can pick up some very good tips for making your scenes real for the reader.

So, you're writing a sex scene that's supposed to feel awkward. Okay. What else are you trying to accomplish? What's the scene going to reveal about your characters, as Marlys noted? Try to get into your MC's head and write it as your character would perceive it. Yeah, it's a sex scene...but maybe don't think about it that way. I wonder if you're getting so caught up on it being about sex that you're throwing yourself out of your character's head. Think about how your character would describe it, what they would notice, how much window into their thoughts they'll give us here.

Another thing that might help is re-reading some books wherein you thought the sex scene was really well done. Even better would be if it's a type of scene you're also going for - the awkward factor. Figure out what bits you liked, how the writer kept your attention, or, again I'm going to harp on this...what other layer it revealed about the character.

Good luck!

Remember that you're not writing about sex. You're writing about people. Their reactions, their feelings, their worries (and delights) are what matters. Not the choreography.

I just finished a fantastic book called, The Joy of Writing Sex by Elizabeth Benedict that sounds right up your alley.

I'm different than a lot of you. I enjoy the sex scenes. I write erotic romance, and the sex scenes are among my favorites. And yes, I agree that you need to concentrate on your characters' feelings. To me, that's what it's all about (mostly). Go with their mood, and describe their emotions. In detail. You can make a sex scene delightfully urgent, tender, sweet or wonderfully passionate.

The senses--what the character sees, hears, smells, touches can be a huge turn-on and drawing this out is the most enjoyable part for me. The first few times I wrote sex scenes, I was very awkward and felt almost guilty, as if I should be looking over my shoulder, lol. Now they come easily because I've learned to get into the characters' heads and make it feel natural--for both me and the characters.

Andiwrite, you cracked me up! Not writing what would turn you on. I do that all the time! It's what makes it titillating to me, and I hope that would carry over to the reader. And if it grosses out the reader, well then... no one is making them read it.

I enjoy writing my sex scenes.

I think the key is to stop thinking of it as A SEX SCENE and write what feels natural and comfortable to you. My stories are frequently described as very sensual even though the scenes are not overly graphic. No play-by-plays.

Do what everyone else suggests. Focus on your characters exactly as you would in any other scene. Use only as much detail as you feel comfortable writing. Do you have trouble writing a scene where the characters chat in a coffee shop? No? Really this is the same thing, their bodies are just doing a different thing than drinking coffee.

The scene in the coffee shop isn't really about drinking coffee. The sex scene isn't really about sex (unless you are writing erotica). Concentrate on what is really going on with your story and your characters and you will be fine.

kwanzaabot said:

I'll have to check that out. Incidentally, I just got done reading "Condolences" on your site. It's actually pretty similar to the sort of thing I'm aiming for. It's explicit, but I never actually felt uncomfortable reading it. I think it really helped me start to figure out how to get into my character's head for this sort of thing, too.

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Oh, wow! I wish I'd checked back sooner. Thanks for reading! I'm glad you found my story helpful.

Okay, these days, I write pretty explicit, and it took a bit of practice. I don't do this anymore (at least not consciously), but back when I first started writing erotic romance, this was my process.... (i.e. might not work for everyone).

Round 1: Write out the scene, but focus on the physical. What body part touches what. Use the clinical terms, or whatever word first comes to mind.
Round 2: Go through and add reactions. What response does each physical action invoke--physical and emotional? Don't focus on the words right now...make up words if you must.
Round 3: Go through the scene, and highlight all the body parts. You'll see where they repeat, and what doesn't work. (beware of hands and mouths--I spend a lot of time trying not to repeat hands, fingers, palms, lips, tongue over and over again.) Rewrite.
Round 4: Go through the scene, and highlight all the adjectives. Substitutions should be pretty obvious at this point. Rewrite.
Round 5: Find a quiet place. Read the scene out loud. Keep rewriting until it "sounds" sexy.

Sex scenes used to be really labor-intensive for me. Now, they've become the easiest scenes to write

(p.s. One thing to remember--assuming deep 3rd person limited, the entire scene is through the lens of 1 character. Word choice will depend on the character. Sex scenes I write from the heroine's POV tend to contain very different diction than the ones I write from the hero's POV. If you read through a draft and it's just not working, try writing the scene from the other character's POV. It might help.)

MsLaylaCakes, why must the entire scene be through the lens of one character? I have written many love/sex scenes that include both members' viewpoints. I will write a chapter or two of one character's POV, then the same for the other character. I don't understand why you are saying it has to be one character's POV. I don't believe mine sound awkward, in fact, just the opposite. I often switch back and forth in other scenes, so why not in sex scenes as well? Personally, I think it's more arousing using both/or more persons' POV. It gives a more "real feel."

RackinRocky said:

MsLaylaCakes, why must the entire scene be through the lens of one character? I have written many love/sex scenes that include both members' viewpoints. I will write a chapter or two of one character's POV, then the same for the other character. I don't understand why you are saying it has to be one character's POV. I don't believe mine sound awkward, in fact, just the opposite. I often switch back and forth in other scenes, so why not in sex scenes as well? Personally, I think it's more arousing using both/or more persons' POV. It gives a more "real feel."

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If you're talking about staying in one POV for the first part of the scene, then switching entirely to the other person's POV, well, okay. But if there is headhopping during a sex scene, that'd be a big nuh-uh for me. There's enough to follow in a sex scene without trying to figure out whose head I'm in. YMMV and all that...

I think sex scenes come across as "badly" written when they are written differently from the other scenes. These are the same characters, just doing something different.

My advice would be to try and write the scene as much as possible they same way you write any other scene. They don't suddenly become much more poetic or much more porny but remain true to type.

RackinRocky said:

MsLaylaCakes, why must the entire scene be through the lens of one character? I have written many love/sex scenes that include both members' viewpoints. I will write a chapter or two of one character's POV, then the same for the other character. I don't understand why you are saying it has to be one character's POV. I don't believe mine sound awkward, in fact, just the opposite. I often switch back and forth in other scenes, so why not in sex scenes as well? Personally, I think it's more arousing using both/or more persons' POV. It gives a more "real feel."

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Changing POV back and forth during a scene is called head hopping. I suggest you take some time to look up the subject here in the forums.

I stay in one POV per scene, sex or not. To change that because there is intimacy on the page would break up the established pattern for the reader. There are always multiple scenes with some level of physical intimacy in my books, so I make sure both characters are represented, just not during the same scene.

I write them through my characters which dictate what they want to do

Yes, I meant staying to one POV through part of the scene, then maybe going to another POV for the rest of the scene-not going back and forth every sentence or so. Is it considered head hopping if you do it that way? I don't only do it in sex scenes, of course. I do it throughout the entire story.

Hi Rackin. I was unclear, I apologize. I meant--you're writing from one character's POV at a time, and each character would perceive the sex differently . There's definitely no hard and fast rule against switching POVs in sex scenes. I tend not to do it because my sex scenes aren't that long, and I try not to switch POVs for at least 1500 words (usually much more). It's a personal preference.

[Edited to add] In cases where I've written a sex scene containing multiple distinct acts (as in, all-totaled, its' like 6000 words or so), then I definitely end up doing a POV switch at around the 3000/4000 word mark.