Sex scenes: how do you do them?

kwanzaabot said:

It's not a scene that's meant to be sexy, there's awkward fumbling aplenty, but as soon as I try to write the actual sex, rather than what else is going on (clawing at the sheets, the smell of sweat, etc etc), I just take a step back and think that it's really not That Type of Book, and maybe I should tone it down.

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It's okay not to write the actual sex if it doesn't feel right for the book or the characters. We all know what happens in sex, it doesn't have to be spelled out. The clawing at the sheets and the smell of the sweat and so on are much more interesting, particular details which can convey the character/plot development you need from the scene.

Well, it really does depend. Sometimes what actually happens is both relevant and interesting.

veinglory said:

Well, it really does depend. Sometimes what actually happens is both relevant and interesting.

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Sure. But it's not a requirement of every sex scene. If the OP is having trouble writing it, it may be because the scene genuinely doesn't fit the book.

Thank you, MsLaylaCake. I get you now. So I'm certainly relieved to hear I haven't been committing a terrible error all this time when I change POVs!

My advice is to think of your audience. Romance readers expect--and are accustomed to--a level of explicit language and passionate emotions that non-romance readers aren't (hence outsider claims that the genre is "porn for women," and the inability to shake the "bodice ripper" insult). Which is ironic, when non-romance fiction can feature some of the worst and most excruciating sex scenes. There's an annual award dedicated to it: http://www.theguardian.com/books/badsexaward

So if you're writing a novel intended for a mainstream audience, you often do not need the level of detail and specific language used within the romance genre. I would pick up some recent fiction in your genre (or style of writing) at B&N and read their sex scenes.

girlyswot said:

Sure. But it's not a requirement of every sex scene. If the OP is having trouble writing it, it may be because the scene genuinely doesn't fit the book.

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Or it may just be some emotional conditioning that makes people uncomfortable about sex even when it is not necessary or professionally advantageous. It goes both ways.

I would also say that the most explicit sex I have ever read was in sci fi and literary, and I am an erotica writer.

Doing what is right for the book does not mean always assuming that means leaving our or glossing over sex. It means doing what is right for the book. Sex is an unremarkable part of many genres and not uncommon in all of them except for children's stories and inspirational fiction.

Evangeline said:

My advice is to think of your audience. Romance readers expect--and are accustomed to--a level of explicit language and passionate emotions that non-romance readers aren't (hence outsider claims that the genre is "porn for women," and the inability to shake the "bodice ripper" insult)

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Romance contains a pretty wide range of books and readers. Not all of them want explicit language or explicit scenes.

This won't work for all stories, all genres, or all writers, but in my writing (SF/F) I take the "less is more" approach. One of my favorites (the two women are a married couple from a village where very few males are born because genetics, who have traveled to find a baby-daddy):

[FONT=&quot][Wolf:]“Around here, the men sometimes say it’s a mistake for two virgins to go to bed together. What would they make of three?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“But we’re not virgins,” said Lissie.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]In between us, Maura chuckled. “It’s the way they speak here, dearest. On this side of the river we are. For just a little longer. Come here, Wolf… you’re ready, aren’t you, lover? Mmmm – yes, you are. Give me a baby.”[/FONT]

(From "Along the Ashfold Road", Perihelion, 2014.)

If you don't think of your work as "hot" romance or erotica, it may be the easiest approach.

girlyswot said:

Romance contains a pretty wide range of books and readers. Not all of them want explicit language or explicit scenes.

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Yes that's true. But I was speaking in terms of the "language" of romance, which is explicit about the emotional intimacy of sex, whether it be inspy, clean, kisses only, all the way up to scorching. I'm a longtime reader and writer, so I'm not glossing over the variation.

kwanzaabot said:

tiddlywinks: I don't know if "awkward" is the right word. I want it to feel real. I don't like the veneer you get in a lot of sex scenes, where everything's idealised and porny. I want it to be human. And real, human sex is messy.

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I'm not sure this is exactly the level of reality you mean, but the first sex scene in my book isn't perfect. It's her first time, and he's really drunk and shoots his load after a couple of thrusts, lol. I don't describe it too graphically, coz I'm more interested in thoughts and feelings than what's going where. It was originally written from her POV, but then I rewrote it from his and I think it worked so much better:

He forced himself to take his time with her, exploring the undiscovered delights of her body, familiarising himself with every part of it, until she was writhing and ready and he couldn’t wait any longer. Getting to his knees, he positioned himself, fumbling like an inexperienced youth in his eagerness, but when gentle pressure met resistance he paused. Seeing her wince of discomfort, he knew he had to get it over with. Like delivering a quick mercy blow.

“Ah!”

After her cry of pain, an awkward moment of stillness. He’d intended to let her recover, but she gripped him so tightly he couldn’t move even if he’d wanted to. When he looked to see if she was all right, he didn’t like the pinched expression on her face, her eyes screwed shut.

“Look at me.”

He waited until she relaxed and opened her eyes, needing their permission before he moved, which they gave him, and again, and again, until they were not just consenting but urging. Soon her whimpers became gasps of pleasure, and each one threatened to send him over the edge.

No. Not yet. Not after waiting so long.

But he couldn’t hold back. He pushed her legs up, and with a cry she threw her head back, arching against him, taking him deeper. Gods, he wasn’t going to last.

No, not ye–

“Amun!”

Cursing himself, he let out a deep sigh of frustration and slumped onto her chest.

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In my WIP there is a lot of sex, but since the MC does it for money and not happily so, there isn't a lot of graphic detail as to where which finger goes, nipple status, or body fluids. He just wants to get it over with, so it's mostly a rough outline of his perception: kick it off by mentioning him being thrown on the bed, penetration, or whatever, and then mostly just pace, heat, pain, exhaustion/energy, what's going through his head, what he's seeing/feeling physically and emotionally, these things. It's more of a mind f*ck, really.

Getting too graphic, I get embarrassed, so I don't like to do that. I also have a hard way finding descriptions not too clinical (labia majora... come on), but also not too vulgar for 3rd person narration ("...as he f'ed him hard"). And I don't do the schmaltzy "love juices" and "velvet rose" either. So I try to avoid it altogether.

THIS is the stuff I love about writers' forums. Questions like this that I would never give a second thought as I write but, in hindsight, as someone else poses the question, I am forced to stop and consider the same situations in my own work.

In this case, as a few others have already suggested, your characters can/should direct the action. If they don't, maybe you just don't know them well enough, or they don't know each other well enough.

Perhaps you are trying to force a scene for the sake of whatever but chose the wrong way to go about it? WHY, exactly, are this couple in for a flesh flash? Are they moving toward a 'deeper' (npi) relationship or is this just a one and done? What are the motivations?

If it doesn't 'feel right' to you, it's probably not. Decide just how much you want/need to share with your readership. Do they really need to watch him slip the straps of her sundress down her arms to expose her firm, naked breasts? Do they have to watch her unzip his Levi's and show off his massive erection? How much voyeurism do you really want or need and how much can be substantively managed 'behind closed doors'?

I have actually gone both ways with this. Some books and characters just demand more heat while others more demurely move in the other direction. As Evangeline noted, consider your audience. Then think about just what sense you want instill in a scene and whether your chosen level of heat would or would not offend or put off your preferred audience.

TheWordsmith said:

I have actually gone both ways with this. Some books and characters just demand more heat while others more demurely move in the other direction.

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I think that can even be true within the same book. I have a couple very explicit (hopefully hot) sex scenes and some that are less explicit and set an entirely different mood. The final sex scene in the book takes place in the freezing cold and it's not meant to be sexy, but intimate. It's not nearly as detailed as some of the others, because it's about the immediate emotional needs of the two characters and has really nothing to do with getting off. Eventually they give up and go back to sleep.

In my early drafts my sex scenes were just way to vivid. On the side of erotica with a subject like incest is not something many people can digest. Due to this, I like to handle sex-scenes more emotionally. I put an 80/20 split between the emotions/actions because the scene is really there to mean something. If it doesn't mean something it probably has no place in the story unless the genre calls for gratuitous sex. As well, I like to leave it so that the reader can fill in the blanks a lot. That usually feels so much better for me personally when I read something then being told every detail, so I adopted that strategy.

lianna williamson said:

The most helpful guide to writing sex scenes I have ever seen is this blog series by Stacia Kane. Very thorough, very clearly explained, with lots of examples.

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Really good info. Thanks!