[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

lrose20 said:

The old house, with its wildly overgrown garden, was silent, secretive. {Good hook!} No one ever paid much attention to it. The Victorian home sat secluded on the outskirts of the city, covered in moss and vines.

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I love this beginning! I'd definitely read on!

tiddlywinks said:

Hi Eric,

Welcome back to the thread. You certainly caught my attention with the first line...but then you went into the dreaded "looking into the mirror" bit and lost me. Also, the second sentence should be split into two sentences between shower and I. (Weren't trying to be sneaky and post four sentences, were you now? )

The first line has such a strong voice but it's diluted by the mundane follow-up for me. I'd like to stay more in your MC's head, rather than just getting what he/she is doing externally.

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Hey, thanks for replying. Yeah, you got me lol I thought I'd make up for the first sentence by rambling in the second one, I can't help it . So the first line is okay? I wanna say so much, and it took forever for me to get that one in specific down to just three words. Another thing was, I was finding that I was in my character's head too much sometimes, I was overdoing it. Also, the tone was inconsistent which I guess is a problem, I'm not sure which way to go on it though. I'm glad you pointed it out there because the first 1/3 of my story is where all the rough parts are. The mirror part seemed clever in my head but is probably cliche come to think of it.

Hi again, Eric,

Tough to say more on your issues of consistency and such without seeing a little more. Perhaps your next step is to post the first 200 words in your respective genre thread? If and when you do, let me know and I'll have a looksie.

If you are going for gritty, I think the first line works, IMO. It's just derailed by what follows currently. I'll be curious to see what other critters have to say.

GL! Carry on.

keiju said:

Hi Mamitt. This really intrigues me, but like the others I'm left rather confused. I personally think you should start the story here as the first line (although confusing re: a dead(?) body doesn't ever have life in it, unless undead?) is a great hook and I'd read on. I also don't think you should give us the glimpse into the young man's character - is he relevant or just his body? Should it not be Forest Folk?

Keep it up, I love the premise.

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I agree. To me the word 'body' implies death.

Hi folks,

I went a little extra bugsputz and had to go in-patient for a week or so. Got my meds tweaked and am once more *ahem* stable. I don't remember much of the weeks before so I'm writing a blanket apology for anything I may have said or done that upset, offended or hurt someone's feelings and posting it to threads I subscribe to.

Being nuts is no excuse but it is an explanation. To any and all that I may have pissed off, I'm sorry for being a shithead.

Thanks.

aunty

No harm, no foul.

auntypsychotic said:

Hi folks,

I went a little extra bugsputz and had to go in-patient for a week or so. Got my meds tweaked and am once more *ahem* stable. I don't remember much of the weeks before so I'm writing a blanket apology for anything I may have said or done that upset, offended or hurt someone's feelings and posting it to threads I subscribe to.

Being nuts is no excuse but it is an explanation. To any and all that I may have pissed off, I'm sorry for being a shithead.

Thanks.

aunty

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I don't recall any untoward remarks. Glad you're feeling better, and welcome back.

Glad things are back to normal, but by left clicking on any avatar (including your own) and then selecting 'statistics' and 'all posts' anyone can see all previous posts made by anyone (including yourself).

It's obvious no apology is needed.

auntypsychotic said:

Hi folks,

I went a little extra bugsputz and had to go in-patient for a week or so. Got my meds tweaked and am once more *ahem* stable. I don't remember much of the weeks before so I'm writing a blanket apology for anything I may have said or done that upset, offended or hurt someone's feelings and posting it to threads I subscribe to.

Being nuts is no excuse but it is an explanation. To any and all that I may have pissed off, I'm sorry for being a shithead.

Thanks.

aunty

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Add me to the list of those who don't recall any unsavory remarks. Glad you're out and about once again.

Bugsputz, huh? That's a new one for me. Thanks for increasing my vocabulary by one word today!

Craig McNeil said:

Despite his advancing years, the big man was putting put up an almighty struggle, gamely resisting the wide leather straps that bound his ankles, knees and wrists period as Tthe four guards struggled to keep him flat on the trolley they had wheeled him in on seems repetitious. The prisoner’s shouting, swearing and cursing was clearly audible from all the way down the corridor as he was brought up from the holding cells.
Voss sighed wearily as he glanced at the clock that was fixed high up on the bare off-white I'd pick one description here, bare or white wall of Room 249.


I revised this section three times between copying it from the original document and pasting it here... It's giving me some grief!

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Here's my 2 cents.

Mamitt said:

Is it an ok "strategy" to open with this:

The first body that came down the river had no life left in it sounds repetitious. I'd delete and connect from river to the part after the cross-through. It was a young man of the Forest Folks who had always had a little trouble with falling into line sounds awkward to me. I'd say something specific here to interest the reader. Who what?.
The next one was still alive, a Water Wight, better able to negotiate the river, and she was able to tell about the brutal attack.

Repeated "able" in the second sentence. So far there isn't that specific detail that would really hook me. You almost have it with the first underline, if you can give me a good reason why he died. Anything would work there, from "his clubbed foot... to the bad guys. Falling in line is confusing to me. Once this is tweaked a bit I think you have a great start.



And later jump back a few days and describe what happened?
Greatful for any feedback!

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Commented in quote

EricJames said:

These are a work in progress, but I think I like them. I posted in this thread like a year ago but it feels like I'm not even working on the same story anymore, probably a good thing. Here:

"Depression was a motherfucker. It was late afternoon when I managed to drag myself out of bed and take a shower, I brushed my teeth while the mirror was still foggy. I wiped it off out of curiosity and stared into my own dark eyes, a disappointing decision."

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Great first line. The second line is a "skipper," to me. Meaning, my eyes glance over it once I see there is nothing super interesting in it.
Last line feels like it needs tweaking. Depressed people rarely feel curious, they just don't care. If he stares in the mirror I'm expecting something really cool to happen. Otherwise, this would be another "skipper," for me.

Skippers are okay, everyone has them. But maybe not as an intro to your story. But, that's just my two cents,

This is so great!
I'm the sort of person who wouldn't hurt a fly and I thought I'd never ever be able to even touch my "darlings". Now I'm killing them left and right (not the flies).
Thanks everybody!

Mamitt said:

This is so great!
I'm the sort of person who wouldn't hurt a fly and I thought I'd never ever be able to even touch my "darlings". Now I'm killing them left and right (not the flies).
Thanks everybody!

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Glad your getting so much out of this.

Though it kind of makes me wonder about that streak of latent masochism you seem to be developing.

lrose20 said:

Alright, here goes, first three sentences of my newest story:

The old house, with its wildly overgrown garden, was silent, secretive. No one ever paid much attention to it. The Victorian home sat secluded on the outskirts of the city, covered in moss and vines.

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Nice start. Would definitely read on. The only thing that throws me off is the use of the word 'home'. That makes me think of warm place, lights on, family inside while the rest of the description makes me think empty, maybe mysterious, maybe creepy.

Agree with ishtar'sgate. Home is not needed. Just go with "The Victorian sat . . ."

guttersquid said:

Agree with ishtar'sgate. Home is not needed. Just go with "The Victorian sat . . ."

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You say that and I think of a Victorian person. I absolutely think you need that modifier, if you keep that structure.

Now, I don't particularly like that structure in the first place, but hacking out that word doesn't help with that.

lrose20 said:

Alright, here goes, first three sentences of my newest story:

The old house, with its wildly overgrown garden, was silent, secretive. No one ever paid much attention to it. The Victorian home sat secluded on the outskirts of the city, covered in moss and vines.

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I would suggest removing the first sentence.

The old Victorian home sat secluded on the outskirts of the city, covered in moss and vines. No one ever paid much attention to it.
Then maybe something about the garden?

onesecondglance said:

You say that and I think of a Victorian person. I absolutely think you need that modifier, if you keep that structure.

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LOL. I didn't mean don't have any modifier, just that 'home' may not be the appropriate modifier in this instance.

ishtar'sgate said:

LOL. I didn't mean don't have any modifier, just that 'home' may not be the appropriate modifier in this instance.

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Perhaps structure would be better.

The old house, with its wildly overgrown garden, was silent, secretive. No one ever paid much attention to it. The Victorian home sat secluded on the outskirts of the city, covered in moss and vines.

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To me, having both 'the old house' and 'the victorian home' makes it sound like there might be two houses. I like the atmosphere, but I'd try to find a way to combine the house mentions. Maybe something like:

The old, Victorian house, with its wildly overgrown garden, was silent, secretive. No one ever paid much attention to it, sitting secluded as it was on the outskirts of the city, covered in moss and vines.

Knitting and Knattering, a monthly gloss-backed publication on all things knitting and knattering, run a bi-annual Win Yourself A Cruise, a once-in-a-lifetime three-week all-expenses-paid sail around Norway's fjords for you and a lucky friend. A cut-out and post middle-paged corner piece, name, age, all in hand-written capital, and they would ask – no prefer – some out-going retiree, some O.A.P., a veritable knitter and chatterer w/ accompanying write-up, report, a gushing next-issue centre piece, on the hidden natural wonder of those green-grey hulking fjords.

Only the first two b/c the next line's the intro of a new thread and it would probably make little sense. Thx!

cogburn said:

Knitting and Knattering, a monthly gloss-backed publication on all things knitting and knattering, run a bi-annual Win Yourself A Cruise, a once-in-a-lifetime three-week all-expenses-paid sail around Norway's fjords for you and a lucky friend. A cut-out and post middle-paged corner piece, name, age, all in hand-written capital, and they would ask – no prefer – some out-going retiree, some O.A.P., a veritable knitter and chatterer w/ accompanying write-up, report, a gushing next-issue centre piece, on the hidden natural wonder of those green-grey hulking fjords.

Only the first two b/c the next line's the intro of a new thread and it would probably make little sense. Thx!

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Hi ya Cogburn. The first underlined verb feels like it's the wrong tense. In rereading, I can see it's not, but with all the info in that sentence it still felt wrong to me. The second underlined section almost feels like it could be cut, like that info could be given at another time or a lead in to a new sentence. For instance "The all expense vacation for two..."

The second sentence for me (as the reader) would be a skipper. I skipped it the first time, went back to reread it, and glanced through it again. I have to make myself read it because it's a sentence that (for me) takes a lot of work to understand. And, when I'm reading, I don't like to work hard.

Thanks for sharing- that's just my 2 cents.

Thx, man. I'm not into easy fiction, but get your first comment tho. Was kinda feeling it too.

This is the first time I've been really serious about writing a novel and have gotten so far (over 17k words) so here's the first three sentences of said novel:

The door creaked on its hinges and the bottom scraped on the hard wood floor as I pulled it open. Cringing, I paused to make sure my mother hadn’t woken from the sounds. When I was sure she hadn’t, I slipped through the opening into the cool summer night before shutting the door behind me.