- Joined
- Nov 23, 2011
- Messages
- 5,774
- Reaction score
- 1,690
- Location
- Left of center
- Website
- kkelliewriteme.wordpress.com
This revamped forum is coming at a good time. Let's see. .
Rainsmom: I'm unfamiliar with that horseshoe nail saying, but imagery is good and questions raised would entice me to read on.
Serani: I don't know who is having a tantrum, nor am I certain what the two characters are referring to, so I'm left more perplexed than intrigued. Clarity will really help here, I think.
Chompers, this is tantalizing so yes, I'd read on. My only criticism is that I was aware of the two "would haves." Perhaps a rewording there, so as not to repeat in such close proximity.
I'm (re)considering where I should start my novel. Right now, it starts with the mc Mike remembering the first time he saw his little brother having a vision:
First time Albert had one of his episodes—first I know of, anyway—he was about three. I must’ve been nine. Before it happened we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in.
But now I'm thinking I should rework it so the story starts with Mike's reaction to his brother's birth:
I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.
Rainsmom: I'm unfamiliar with that horseshoe nail saying, but imagery is good and questions raised would entice me to read on.
Serani: I don't know who is having a tantrum, nor am I certain what the two characters are referring to, so I'm left more perplexed than intrigued. Clarity will really help here, I think.
Chompers, this is tantalizing so yes, I'd read on. My only criticism is that I was aware of the two "would haves." Perhaps a rewording there, so as not to repeat in such close proximity.
I'm (re)considering where I should start my novel. Right now, it starts with the mc Mike remembering the first time he saw his little brother having a vision:
First time Albert had one of his episodes—first I know of, anyway—he was about three. I must’ve been nine. Before it happened we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in.
But now I'm thinking I should rework it so the story starts with Mike's reaction to his brother's birth:
I called him effin’ Albert ever since always. I remember watching him laying in his crib screaming bloody hell and I'm thinking, You effin’ fuckhead, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, I hate your effin’ tomato head and your effin’ arms and legs waving all over like you’re fighting some kind of demon but you’re a baby so you can’t see two inches in front of your stupid face.