Wow, there's a lot of NOTHING going on. Everyone is boring and not actively doing anything (e.g. "thinking"). You switch from Eloise to Allen is a jumpcut that could break a neck. I immediately do not care about these characters which means I would not read any more of the book. Where's the LIFE? You should start there. You can SHOW me these people are schlumps instead of telling me.
in a way, I might be okay with that - not the you not reading more bit, but the nothing bit.
This scene goes on to contrast a very busy hospital scene with the dullness of an apartment building. Having said that, I can see that this could be done with a lot more showing than telling. Thanks!