Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

Bing Zabriskie said:

a) You don't need the blue texts at all. Humans have been assassinating in close range with knives for centuries with great successes. No need to reiterate and get into gruesome details before anything happens. You're not writing a "how to" manual, after all.

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Also, it reads to me like it's saying, "a well-trained assassin is well trained". A lot of words to state the obvious.

Alright, my first three sentences (fantasy novel):

Tessa lived in the most beautiful city in the world and she knew every inch of it: the nooks and crannies of Enki’s Grand Cathedral, each seat in the old amphitheater, the exact location (down to planks of wood) of all three hundred and seventy bridges, and every rose bush, shrub, and lemon tree. Nobody in the city knew it as well as she did. Tessa held a perfect map of Beldessario in her head and she had never seen it.

gcsalamon said:

Jillian opened her eyes and practically fell right out of the unfamiliar wooden chair. Glancing around, she took in the strange surroundings. “Where in the hell. . . ” she muttered.

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Agree with the others, but I'd rather you give me the strange surroundings before you tell me how she reacts to them. It's a basic formula: sensory input, then reaction. Mess this up and things feel out of joint.

Jaligard said:

Tessa held a perfect map of Beldessario in her head and she had never seen it.

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never seen the map or the city?

Sorry, I've been going through this dangling modifier nightmare myself, so wondering if this qualifies as one?

I like your opening paragraph though.

Best.

The first couple of lines from WIP, my first ever attempt at a full novel.

"The late glow of the sun turned him into nothing but silhouette – a man made of shadows. “I killed him,” he said. “I killed him and I'm not even sorry for it.”

Jaligard said:

Alright, my first three sentences (fantasy novel):

Tessa lived in the most beautiful city in the world and she knew every inch of it: the nooks and crannies of Enki’s Grand Cathedral, each seat in the old amphitheater, the exact location (down to planks of wood) of all three hundred and seventy bridges, and every rose bush, shrub, and lemon tree. Nobody in the city knew it as well as she did. Tessa held a perfect map of Beldessario in her head and she had never seen it.

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I liked this opening a lot. It gives a great sense of setting, of course, and I found myself fascinated by this city. Also the question of why Tessa's never seen it. Is she blind? Psychic?

I would definitely keep reading. I hope you get into the action very fast after this.

annetpfeffer said:

I liked this opening a lot. It gives a great sense of setting, of course, and I found myself fascinated by this city. Also the question of why Tessa's never seen it. Is she blind? Psychic?

I would definitely keep reading. I hope you get into the action very fast after this.

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Liked it, too. I reckon she must be blind; after all, she lives in the city so that's the only reason she can't have seen it.

annetpfeffer said:

Also the question of why Tessa's never seen it. Is she blind? Psychic?

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Yes. And yes.

Jaligard said:

Alright, my first three sentences (fantasy novel):

Tessa lived in the most beautiful city in the world and she knew every inch of it: the nooks and crannies of Enki’s Grand Cathedral, each seat in the old amphitheater, the exact location (down to planks of wood) of all three hundred and seventy bridges, and every rose bush, shrub, and lemon tree. Nobody in the city knew it as well as she did. Tessa held a perfect map of Beldessario in her head and she had never seen it.

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The "it" is a little ambiguous. I assume it refers to the city?

And I also assume she's blind. I notice that all the details you include are things she could discern through other senses besides sight.

Anyway, I like it, but I think the last two sentences are a bit redundant with each other. You could combine the information into one and clear up that ambiguity.

Tessa lived in the most beautiful city in the world and she knew every inch of it: the nooks and crannies of Enki’s Grand Cathedral, each seat in the old amphitheater, the exact location (down to planks of wood) of all three hundred and seventy bridges, and every rose bush, shrub, and lemon tree. Nobody in the city knew it as well as she did. Tessa held a perfect map of Beldessario in her head without having [ever] seen it, maybe?

simonalexander2005 said:

Tessa lived in the most beautiful city in the world and she knew every inch of it: the nooks and crannies of Enki’s Grand Cathedral, each seat in the old amphitheater, the exact location (down to planks of wood) of all three hundred and seventy bridges, and every rose bush, shrub, and lemon tree. Nobody in the city knew it as well as she did. Tessa held a perfect map of Beldessario in her head without having [ever] seen it, maybe?

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Intriguing. Only one minor niggle for me. When I see Enki's Grand Cathedral, I assume Enki is the city. No idea why, even.

If I may...

simonalexander2005 said:

Tessa lived in the most beautiful city in the world and she knew every inch of it: the nooks and crannies of Enki’s Grand Cathedral, each seat in the old amphitheater, the exact location (down to planks of wood) of all three hundred and seventy bridges, and every rose bush, shrub, and lemon tree. Nobody in the city knew it as well as she did. Tessa She held a perfect map of Beldessario in her head, without ever having [ever] seen it.

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That comma I added after "head" is not strictly necessary, but I think it makes the sentence sound better, putting a little extra emphasis on that last phrase.

mobyrick said:

The late glow of the sun

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I know this is the glow of the sun late in the day, but it's a bit awkward as written.

YA WIP:

Sometimes you control things, and sometimes things control you -- knowing the difference is the secret to life. That’s what my mother said before she left for the last time. This is a story about how I learned that my mother was wrong.

Luprec said:

YA WIP:

Sometimes you control things, and sometimes things control you -- knowing the difference is the secret to life. That’s what my mother said before she left for the last time. This is a story about how I learned that my mother was wrong.

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The way it's presented, it reads like the writer is looking back from a later stage of life, recalling his/her past, kinda Mockingbird-ish, potentially killing the YA voice. You may want to test for responses at Young Adult SYW.

Thanks for the link, I'll check it out.

Luprec said:

YA WIP:

Sometimes you control things, and sometimes things control you -- knowing the difference is the secret to life. That’s what my mother said before she left for the last time. This is a story about how I learned that my mother was wrong.

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I like it.

Luprec said:

Sometimes you control things, and sometimes things control you -- knowing the difference is the secret to life. That’s what my mother said before she left for the last time. This is a story about how I learned that my mother was wrong.

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I like what you do with the statement of the obvious, but I'm not sure about leading off with it. So banal it might put some people off.

mobyrick said:

The first couple of lines from WIP, my first ever attempt at a full novel.

"The late glow of the sun turned him into nothing but silhouette – a man made of shadows. “I killed him,” he said. “I killed him and I'm not even sorry for it.”

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i personally would like something like this a bit more

The late glow of the sun turned him into nothing but silhouette. A man made of shadows who said “I killed him. I killed him and I'm not even sorry for it.”

Luprec said:

YA WIP:

Sometimes you control things, and sometimes things control you -- knowing the difference is the secret to life. That’s what my mother said before she left for the last time. This is a story about how I learned that my mother was wrong.

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I would definitely keep reading. This is simple. Sometimes less is more.

Buffysquirrel said:

I like what you do with the statement of the obvious, but I'm not sure about leading off with it. So banal it might put some people off.

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The opening line actually put me off a little cuz the "obvious" didn't conform with my personal philosophy. But it was the WTF that made me read on, so I guess it's okay. I'd also thought about whether the first line should be enclosed in quotes, and concluded that it could work either way, but probably better without.

So all in all I consider this a nice exception. It may have violated some perceived/unspoken codes of conducts but it works. And that's what matters. The only thing I was (still am) concerned is the voice since the OP said it's YA.

mobyrick said:

The first couple of lines from WIP, my first ever attempt at a full novel.

"The late glow of the sun turned him into nothing but silhouette – a man made of shadows. “I killed him,” he said. “I killed him and I'm not even sorry for it.”

Click to expand...

I like it. Don't know if I'm on board with this version or a couple of small word changes others have suggested or not but either way I'd definitely keep reading. Who is he? Why is he not sorry for killing someone? etc... great start!

JamesBaldwin said:

It is delicious thread, I must join it.

Here's my first three:
"AEROMOR Dock Number Four was usually busy through the night, but only three men were present in the suffocating humidity of the pre-dawn. Alexi and Nicolai stood together, side by side. At their feet, Frank Nacari lay with half his face torn off."

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Gruesome visual. Like it. I'd continue reading.

Jaligard said:

Alright, my first three sentences (fantasy novel):

Tessa lived in the most beautiful city in the world and she knew every inch of it: the nooks and crannies of Enki’s Grand Cathedral, each seat in the old amphitheater, the exact location (down to planks of wood) of all three hundred and seventy bridges, and every rose bush, shrub, and lemon tree. Nobody in the city knew it as well as she did. Tessa held a perfect map of Beldessario in her head and she had never seen it.

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I like some of the suggestions others have made(in just small word/structure changes) but either way I love this beginning!

Thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate it!