Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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LillyPu

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Fun thread. Made me take a 2nd look at my opening and move this (3 sentence) paragraph from 5th to 1st.



THE DAY DENA told her parents she and Jack were quitting their jobs in Portland, he at The Oregonian—he’d grown to hate the smell of ink, a smell like boiled liver—and she at Multnomah County Library, her mother cried. She took Dena aside and said, “I always knew he’d ruin your life.” Which sounded bad because her mother really loved Jack, and was entirely untrue—no one was ruining anyone’s life.
 
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Psychotic.Pink

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Not sure if this is where I'm going to start the main body of the story--I may start it just a little bit earlier and make her be awake when they find her, but yah. It's a superhero story and she was found unconscious after some superhero-y stuff happened that had to do with her, so yah. There's more to it than that, but that's the very basic gist.

[FONT=&quot]My head pulses, rising and falling, with the sound of the siren going over my head. Muffled voices shout, and I can hear a car honking voraciously in the distance. Beneath me I can feel the hum of an engine, and somebody is talking somewhere off behind me. [/FONT]

Yah, she's in an ambulance, which I'm going to have to pick an EMT's brain about later, but yah. So forgive me if there's anything inconsistent with this part right now.
 

rickee

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I'd cut the word 'practically.' It's too stiff, not very strong. 'She muttered' isn't really necessary.
 

LillyPu

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[FONT=&quot]My head pulses, rising and falling, with the sound of the siren going over my head. Muffled voices shout, and I can hear a car honking voraciously in the distance. Beneath me I can feel the hum of an engine, and somebody is talking somewhere off behind me. [/FONT]
1st person, present tense sounds like a good choice for this story. To me, the verb "pulses" doesn't rise and fall. If voices are muffled, they're probably not shouting. Maybe less choreography: over my head, in the distance, beneath me, off behind me. With a siren blaring, a car honking, shouting, etc., can someone "talking somewhere off behind" be heard? Maybe take it slower, as each sensory detail occurs, or... that may not be your intention. Chaos, or mayhem doesn't always need to be shown all at once.
 

BethS

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Fun thread. Made me take a 2nd look at my opening and move this (3 sentence) paragraph from 5th to 1st.



THE DAY DENA told her parents she and Jack were quitting their jobs in Portland, he at The Oregonian—he’d grown to hate the smell of ink, a smell like boiled liver—and she at Multnomah County Library, her mother cried. She took Dena aside and said, “I always knew he’d ruin your life.” Which sounded bad because her mother really loved Jack, and was entirely untrue—no one was ruining anyone’s life.

I like it. It's got voice. However, I'm hoping it leaves the summary to zoom into a real-time scene soon.
 

BethS

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My head pulses, rising and falling, with the sound of the siren going over my head. Muffled voices shout, and I can hear a car honking voraciously in the distance. Beneath me I can feel the hum of an engine, and somebody is talking somewhere off behind me.

My overall impression is that the prose is just too soft around the edges. It's not conveying precise, sharp, vivid images.

For instance, the phrase "my head pulses" is vague. I don't know what it means. Does the character have a throbbing headache? Or can the character feel his or her pulse beating in her ears? And a "pulse" doesn't rise and fall, although it can speed up and slow down.

Also, you can safely do away all the filtering language: I can hear, I can feel. You don't need those at all.
 

LillyPu

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Thanks, BethS! It's the opening to a short story titled "Trespassers". The very next paragraph drops into 'real scene'. Appreciate your feedback. (And all you do for this thread.)
 

SKDaley

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This is the opening to a fantasy novel:


Moonlight drenched the broad curve of the Veil. A miles-wide hemisphere of blood-red light, it shone against the dark bulk of the mountains like a precious jewel. Sanctuary, if Ruth could make it there alive…
 

BethS

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Thanks, BethS! It's the opening to a short story titled "Trespassers". The very next paragraph drops into 'real scene'. Appreciate your feedback. (And all you do for this thread.)

Thanks and you're welcome! Though I sometimes wonder if posters in this thread want to hide when they see me coming...

This is the opening to a fantasy novel:


Moonlight drenched the broad curve of the Veil. A miles-wide hemisphere of blood-red light, it shone against the dark bulk of the mountains like a precious jewel. Sanctuary, if Ruth could make it there alive…

The term "Veil" threw me at first, because I imagine a veil as being a vertical barrier, which doesn't match up with "hemisphere." Also, if the veil is shining blood-red in the night, then it would cancel out any moonlight effects on its surface. Moonlight might be drenching the ground in front of her feet, but she's not going to see it shining on the Veil.

Bottom line, I spent far too much time trying to untangle that description. Also, I don't know why the third sentence would need an elipsis. That's a distracting bit of punctuation to find this close to the opening.

The good news is that you appear to have a character in jeopardy, so I would be hopeful that the next few sentences would jump straight into her situation.

My advice would be to clarify the opening description.
 

Buffysquirrel

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THE DAY DENA told her parents she and Jack were quitting their jobs in Portland, he at The Oregonian—he’d grown to hate the smell of ink, a smell like boiled liver—and she at Multnomah County Library, her mother cried. She took Dena aside and said, “I always knew he’d ruin your life.” Which sounded bad because her mother really loved Jack, and was entirely untrue—no one was ruining anyone’s life.

I like it, but I think you're cramming in too much detail. Do we need to know about Jack's job, or why he's quitting it, or even that the jobs are in Portland, right now? Still, I like it.
 

Buffysquirrel

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[FONT=&quot]My head pulses, rising and falling, with the sound of the siren going over my head. Muffled voices shout, and I can hear a car honking voraciously in the distance. Beneath me I can feel the hum of an engine, and somebody is talking somewhere off behind me. [/FONT]

How does a car honk voraciously?

There's too much detail here and it's all too connected. If you're tring to give the impression that the narrator doesn't really know what's going on, then the detail and the connectedness work against that. Shorter, choppier, would work better for someone who's not sure where they are or what's going on.

My head pulses with a siren's howl, frex.
 

LillyPu

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I like it, but I think you're cramming in too much detail. Do we need to know about Jack's job, or why he's quitting it, or even that the jobs are in Portland, right now? Still, I like it.
Thanks! And yeah, all that needs to be known up front (I hope!). :)
 

LillyPu

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Moonlight drenched the broad curve of the Veil. A miles-wide hemisphere of blood-red light, it shone against the dark bulk of the mountains like a precious jewel. Sanctuary, if Ruth could make it there alive…
It's beautiful writing, but I'm stuck on what the first sentence means. I don't know what the Veil is. With the second sentence, I lose what the "it" is: the Veil, or the moonlight? Could you open instead with: A miles-wide hemisphere of blood-red light shone against the dark bulk of the mountains like a precious jewel.(Without changing the meaning?) Oh, and instead of saying "a precious jewel" which is cliche, would you want to actually name a precious jewel instead? Everyone associates red with ruby, there must be others?
 

TMCan

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This is the opening to a fantasy novel:


Moonlight drenched the broad curve of the Veil. A miles-wide hemisphere of blood-red light, it shone against the dark bulk of the mountains like a precious jewel. Sanctuary, if Ruth could make it there alive…

I keep reading this and every time I get to hemisphere I trip up. I don't know if it is just me, but the way it is worded makes me wonder if you meant atmosphere not hemisphere. If hemisphere how does red light go through the division of Earth?
 

SKDaley

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This is the opening to a fantasy novel:


Moonlight drenched the broad curve of the Veil. A miles-wide hemisphere of blood-red light, it shone against the dark bulk of the mountains like a precious jewel. Sanctuary, if Ruth could make it there alive…


Thanks for the responses. You guys are right, and I need to change my opening lines. The Veil is a shield, like a big dome over an area of protected land (magical, not technological). I used to compare it to a topaz cabochon but a lot of people didn't know what a cabochon was (it's a cut of a gemstone, a smooth hemisphere (half a sphere). I will try again! I shouldn't start with description anyway, but action. My MC is running for her life from a pack of snarling, wolf-like creatures across a bleak and blasted landscape toward the safety of the Veil.
 

Papaya

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I’ve been working on the first three sentences. Hopefully this is closer to the mark.

Gia had been locked in the room for three days without even being told why. Calling the nurse a liar was clearly a dumb move, but this consequence was extreme even for the staff at the orphanage. The cook was the only person she ever saw now, and he might as well have been a block of ice for all the warmth he brought.
 

tracivermillion

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Love reading all of these!!

From my WIP which I'm working on final edits.

My breath saws in painfully on a sob-my armored chest heaving, metal skirt clanking. Sticky wet blood drips from my arms, down my sword, before making crimson, tear drop splashes onto the clay tiled floor. The monsters in front of me track that blood, licking their lips.
 

tracivermillion

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This is the opening to a fantasy novel:


Moonlight drenched the broad curve of the Veil. A miles-wide hemisphere of blood-red light, it shone against the dark bulk of the mountains like a precious jewel. Sanctuary, if Ruth could make it there alive…

While impossible to guess what the Veil is, the imagery caught my attentions. Nice.
 

tracivermillion

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I’ve been working on the first three sentences. Hopefully this is closer to the mark.

Gia had been locked in the room for three days without even being told why. Calling the nurse a liar was clearly a dumb move, but this consequence was extreme even for the staff at the orphanage. The cook was the only person she ever saw now, and he might as well have been a block of ice for all the warmth he brought.

Suggestion: Gia was locked in the room for three days without even being told why.

I like it, makes me want to know why she's in an orphanage, and what she's done.
 

LillyPu

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I’ve been working on the first three sentences. Hopefully this is closer to the mark.

Gia had been locked in the room for three days without even being told why. Calling the nurse a liar was clearly a dumb move, but this consequence was extreme even for the staff at the orphanage. The cook was the only person she ever saw now, and he might as well have been a block of ice for all the warmth he brought.

I think you can get rid of the bolded words. I think it's a good start, not to say you can't ramp it up even more. :)
 

LillyPu

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Love reading all of these!!

From my WIP which I'm working on final edits.

My breath saws in painfully on a sob-my armored chest heaving, metal skirt clanking. Sticky wet blood drips from my arms, down my sword, before making crimson, tear drop splashes onto the clay tiled floor. The monsters in front of me track that blood, licking their lips.
My impression is that simple might be better. You're trying too hard and the prose is over-reaching; although I do like the picture you're trying to paint, I can't see it. Can you write this opening so it's more accessible to the reader? Of course, this is only my opinion.
 

Papaya

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I think you can get rid of the bolded words. I think it's a good start, not to say you can't ramp it up even more. :)
:) You’re right about the extra words, thank you.

Gia had been locked in the room for three days without being told why. Calling the nurse a liar was clearly a dumb move, but this consequence was extreme even for the staff at the orphanage. The cook was the only person she saw now, and he might as well have been a block of ice for all the warmth he brought.
 

Buffysquirrel

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Suggestion: Gia was locked in the room for three days without even being told why.

If you change it to 'was locked', then at that point her incarceration is over. I see nothing in the text to imply that, therefore, 'had been' is correct.
 

Papaya

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Suggestion: Gia was locked in the room for three days without even being told why.

I like it, makes me want to know why she's in an orphanage, and what she's done.
I was in a hurry and missed your comment earlier. Thank you for the feedback. That is exactly what I'm trying to achieve. I have this sudden urge to celebrate. :hooray:

If you change it to 'was locked', then at that point her incarceration is over. I see nothing in the text to imply that, therefore, 'had been' is correct.
Yep, she is still locked in the room.
 

BethS

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My MC is running for her life from a pack of snarling, wolf-like creatures across a bleak and blasted landscape toward the safety of the Veil.

I think I'd start there. Bring in the description of the dome later. Which, btw, is a better term (less confusing to readers) than hemisphere.
 
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