Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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aus10phile

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I have issues with misplaced modifiers in my first drafts. If it weren't for beta readers I would be doomed. :)

No problem! I read it four or five times thinking, "wait, is that right or not?" It may actually work okay the way it is if it said "gushing at the leg" instead of "gushing from the leg"
 

Caretaker

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1st story:

My first thought is that I wonder if you can skip the whole waking up bit since it's been done so many times. Just start with the significant thing that happens after she wakes up.

I'm not sure if I can, but at this point it's definitely possible. I'll see if it survives through the second draft and have it beta read before I remove it altogether. The thing is the first couple of pages is basically a tone setting establishing shot. Old lady wakes up and does some odd things that to her are mundane. The significant event doesn't hit until just after that.

Also, there are two big things competing for attention in these sentences I think. One is aliens. It's too weird of a mention in the first line to not be significant to the story. If aliens aren't going to matter in this story, I wouldn't use this. Second is her being sick. It seems like she must be really sick, so that seems significant too. If both of these things are really significant to the story, I would space them out just a little bit, because I'm not sure what to latch onto here in the opening.

Actually it's the sickness that's somewhat important. The aliens bit is just a personal quirk of that particular character (she's expecting them, hence her looking out the window to check; I've already got a separation of the points in mind for draft 2, but yes they are both significant).

One last nit picky thing. Mrs. Fields = cookies to me.

Heh. I was thinking of Sally Fields at the time. Names don't mean too much to me. Changing it is no problem.

2nd story:

One suggestion: if it's a truly a "deafening" sound, wouldn't it have more of an impact than him just hearing it? For example, a big clap of thunder will rattle the pictures on the walls.

True. I'd been thinking of knocking a few things over in the second draft, if I keep the night scene at all.

Also, why is he not getting up to check?

The plan was he was tired from working late, but I can see the gap in that logic. While taking small mental notes I had considered a slew of reasons why he wouldn't react to such a report, from exploding head syndrome to outright deafness, but could only settle for exhaustion and laziness. Ryan is a very irresponsible person. I may end up cutting it out altogether and start at a later point.

Thank you for the input. You cleared up a nice handful of concerns of mine.
 

MishmashMisha

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Even before posting, this thread has helped me. I realized my first sentence sucked, so I cut it.
Here's what I got for my WIP, Cured:

Hanna had never been hungry, not that she could remember, and she would have remembered this. The acid boiling in her stomach, burning her from the inside out. She knew it was only another test—either that or they were all dead.
 

Drachen Jager

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Hanna had never been hungry, not that she could remember, and she would have remembered this. If she's the POV character, then everything that happened in the past is her memory of what happened in the past. Therefore it makes no sense to talk about her memory, especially with the double redundancy you have here. The acid boiling in her stomach, burning her from the inside out. Huh? Now acid is boiling her? What? She knew it was only another test—either that or they were all dead. Now you've lost me entirely. Who's dead? What test? These are not mysteries (as I suppose you were going for) these are your deliberate withholding of information by using vague words.

I'm really not sure where you're going with this. Is the feeling of hunger like acid in her stomach? Is her stomach actually boiling with acid? Who are they? What kind of test?

It seems like you want to start in the middle of an ongoing scene with lots of dramatic tension, but I don't think that actually works very often. It usually takes a few pages before most published books get really into the thick of the action. The audience needs a bit of time to acclimatize.

I've seen this a lot lately, here and in similar threads on AW. You want to be instantly gripping so you throw the reader into some batshit crazy stuff in the hopes that such an intense situation will drag them through. I find it's usually the opposite. Not knowing the characters or the setting, or anything, just means all the excitement is wasted. We don't care about Hanna, because we don't know her, her situation, or really anything.
 

BethS

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Mmkay, I'm not going to count the first word as it's own sentence (if you get particular, the shortest a sentence can be is two words, right? ;))

For this thread, it counts. So looking at the first three:


Fire.

As the bright flames flickered around her hand, Wren couldn’t help the shaky breath that escaped her lips, or the fluttering feeling in her chest; a spiraling mixture of excitement and dread. She knew this was a bad thing.

I don't think that opening word adds a thing.

Second sentence: All flames are bright, so saying they're bright is redundant. The part about Wren not being able to help the shaky breath that escaped her lips is wordy. Reduce it to "A shaky breath escaped her" or something similar. The fluttering feeling in her chest is likewise wordy. The semi-colon should be a comma.

Third sentence: Delete "she knew." It's unnecessary.

My overall impression is that I have no idea what's going on. Is her hand on fire? Is she a mage who can produce fire at will? You just don't have enough context here to make this work. Try starting with something that makes sense.
 

BethS

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Nekko, I just *had* to comment on your avi. I love, love, love marmosets. Both the creature and the word. Thanks for making my day. :)

Oh, I suppose I should contribute sentences to be mocked too. Here we go:

"Snow fell over the puddle of blood like sprinkles on a macabre cupcake. Despite gushing like Old Faithful from the severed artery in his leg, Jensen scrabbled back to his feet and snarled at Timothy. What started as a typical challenge between two werewolves over something stupid—the cutting down of a Black Cottonwood on the boundary between their properties—had turned ugly when Tim failed to concede at first blood."

A severed artery? He'll be dead within a couple minutes. And this guy just jumped to his feet and is focused on his opponent. He's not noticing puddles of blood, comparing them to cupcakes, or for that matter, thinking about property boundaries.

If you're going to start with something as visceral as a bloody fight to the death, there's no room for extraneous description or commentary. There's only the fight.
 
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Russ Mars

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Even before posting, this thread has helped me. I realized my first sentence sucked, so I cut it.
Here's what I got for my WIP, Cured:
This is merely my insignificant two-cent's worth in regard to, Hanna had never been hungry, not that she could remember, and she would have remembered this. The acid boiling in her stomach, burning her from the inside out. She knew it was only another test—either that or they were all dead.

It's difficult for me to fathom anyone who's never been hungry. Everyone's been hungry; it's what propels us to eat the next meal. Perhaps change 'hungry' to something that suggests starvation, which is an entirely different matter. And, yes, she certainly would have remembered it, though that horrible feeling only lasts for about three days without food. After that, it's quite different. I say this from the personal experience of having gone for long periods of time without food more than once in my life.

I suggest researching this further, either by interviewing those who've nearly starved--or try it yourself. Fast for a week or so. You may find how you write about this is profoundly and more realistically changed. Writing from this perspective can change your writing from commonplace and boring, to something that truly impacts the reader. That keeps them reading.

Making up a story--writing fiction--is one thing; reinventing the realities of life or writing from an uniformed viewpoint is entirely another, and detracts greatly from good fiction.
 
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BethS

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Here are the first three sentences from the two monstrosities I'm juggling.

Here's the one I'm working on now:



And here's one from a short story that I've just realized has to be longer and more heavily populated:



EDIT: Oh, and feel free to provide pointers, criticism, edits, the works if you'd like. These drafts are super rough and any polish you throw out there I'll definitely take into consideration.

Do you notice how your openings didn't show up in the message quoted above? That's because you put them in quote boxes. So in order to critique them, we have to copy and paste them separately into our reply. Since I can only copy and paste one conveniently, I'll comment on your second one. Will say, however, that waking-up openings are cause for an auto-reject from many agents. They are overdone.

When Ryan Cooper finally lay down in bed he heard a deafening sound outside. He considered getting up and seeing what it was, and while he considered, he fell asleep.

He woke up the next day wondering why the sun shone so brightly from the window on the other side of his room.

I just don't believe the first two sentences. A deafening noise is loud. Super-duper loud. Nobody hears that right outside and then goes to sleep without finding out what it is. Also "noise" is vague.

I would suggest that you start the story with a version of the third sentence. And yes, it's another waking-up opening, but if you start with something like:

Ryan Cooper woke up one morning to discover the east wall of his bedroom missing and the sun shining through.

--at least it gets the reader's attention. Of course, you could then have to explain why he slept through the demolition of his bedroom wall. :)
 

BethS

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I knew my sister was gone long before I heard the crash of the vase against the fireplace downstairs and my father hollering at my mother to call the police.



"That boyfriend is going to have me to reckon with, Priscilla. I will put the fear of God in his scrawny little body and -"

Not bad. I think it could be improved by replacing the vague "gone" (which could mean anything from "went to the library" to "dead") with something specific. She ran away? Snuck out for a forbidden date?
 

BethS

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Even before posting, this thread has helped me. I realized my first sentence sucked, so I cut it.
Here's what I got for my WIP, Cured:

Just for the benefit of others reading this thread, PLEASE don't put your sentences in a quote box. We have to manually copy and paste them.

Hanna had never been hungry, not that she could remember, and she would have remembered this. The Acid boiled in her stomach, burning her from the inside out. She knew It was only another test—either that or they were all dead.

I don't like the last sentence because I have no idea what it means. Can you replace it something concrete?
 

MishmashMisha

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I'm really not sure where you're going with this. Is the feeling of hunger like acid in her stomach? Is her stomach actually boiling with acid? Who are they? What kind of test?

It seems like you want to start in the middle of an ongoing scene with lots of dramatic tension, but I don't think that actually works very often. It usually takes a few pages before most published books get really into the thick of the action. The audience needs a bit of time to acclimatize.

I've seen this a lot lately, here and in similar threads on AW. You want to be instantly gripping so you throw the reader into some batshit crazy stuff in the hopes that such an intense situation will drag them through. I find it's usually the opposite. Not knowing the characters or the setting, or anything, just means all the excitement is wasted. We don't care about Hanna, because we don't know her, her situation, or really anything.

It's difficult for me to fathom anyone who's never been hungry.

Thanks Russ and Drachen.

A bit of an explanation. She does not have many memories, except for being in a lab and experimented on and those memories only go back about a year. She literally does not remember ever being hungry, because she has been well cared for and kept on a strict feeding schedule. This is explained in the next paragraph and more so through the rest of the chapter. I don't know if that makes it any better.

Is it too confusing for a first paragraph?
 

Drachen Jager

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Is it too confusing for a first paragraph?

Yes.

There's no reason to share this much back story in the first few lines. Let things unfold and you can share the back story at appropriate moments, ie. not when your POV character's stomach is boiling in acid (I'm still not sure, are you just describing the feeling of an empty stomach there? If so it's seriously OTT).
 

LA*78

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Yes.

There's no reason to share this much back story in the first few lines. Let things unfold and you can share the back story at appropriate moments, ie. not when your POV character's stomach is boiling in acid (I'm still not sure, are you just describing the feeling of an empty stomach there? If so it's seriously OTT).

I think the line was actually that the acid boiled in her stomach, not that her stomach was boiling in acid. I thought it was a valid description of severe hunger - as opposed to just being a bit hungry.

Having said that, the paragraph didn't overly excite me. From the sounds of things, I think the next paragraph may be a more interesting point to start the story.
 

MishmashMisha

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Just for the benefit of others reading this thread, PLEASE don't put your sentences in a quote box. We have to manually copy and paste them.

Hanna had never been hungry, not that she could remember, and she would have remembered this. The Acid boiled in her stomach, burning her from the inside out. She knew It was only another test—either that or they were all dead.

I don't like the last sentence because I have no idea what it means. Can you replace it something concrete?

Thanks, I didn't know about the quote thing. Ugh... that last sentence is going to be the death of me.
 

Lady Chipmunk

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Beth S, you know, that reaction makes complete sense and it didn't even occur to me because the people involved are all werewolves with rapid regeneration. So it isn't really a fight to the death, or not meant to be. But you can't know that as a reader which is a problem.
 

MishmashMisha

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From the sounds of things, I think the next paragraph may be a more interesting point to start the story.

I hope that's not true, because the next paragraph was originally the start.:)

Here is the original first three sentences:


Hanna sometimes caught fragments of her life before the lab . Like when they took her to surgery or testing and she walked down the wide gray halls, she would see another hall instead. This one with finger painted pictures and collages of construction paper.

Any better?
 

BethS

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I hope that's not true, because the next paragraph was originally the start.:)

Here is the original first three sentences:


Hanna sometimes caught fragments of her life before the lab . Like when they took her to surgery or testing and she walked down the wide gray halls, she would see another hall instead. This one with finger painted pictures and collages of construction paper.

Any better?

It needs some fine-tuning but I find it more interesting than the other beginning.

Hanna sometimes caught remembered fragments of her life before the lab. Like when they took her to surgery or testing and she walked down the wide gray halls, she would see another hall instead, one with . This one with finger-painted pictures and collages of construction paper.
 

GraemeTollins

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I think it works better without that extra bit of description, which made the line a bit clumsy with 'between the' right after 'behind the'. Do we need to know there are trees at that exact second? You can bring them in later if they're important.

Also 'drunk security forces guys' seems like one descriptor too many, so maybe find one word to replace 'security forces'.

Otherwise, I'm intrigued about what happens so I'd read on.

I quoted this comment because it has the most detail, but thanks for all the comments.

I had a problem with "drunk security forces guys with guns" too - Not too sure how to resolve that. Maybe "Drunk uniforms with guns" or "Armed drunk men" or something. I need to get this right, because it will only be a half page prologue. Every word etc.

I want to keep "behind the rocks between the trees" simply because I feel it has motion of some sort, but I am open to being convinced otherwise.

Thankyou, anyway, for your time and comments.
 

MishmashMisha

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It needs some fine-tuning but I find it more interesting than the other beginning.

Hanna sometimes caught remembered fragments of her life before the lab. Like when they took her to surgery or testing and she walked down the wide gray halls, she would see another hall instead, one with . This one with finger-painted pictures and collages of construction paper.

Thanks. This is giving me ideas for other parts of my story. Here is my last attempt (for now):

Hanna sometimes remembered fragments of her life before the lab. Like when they took her to surgery or testing and going down the wide gray halls, she would see another hall instead. Little faces would float along beside her and the walls would be covered in finger painted pictures and collages of construction paper.
 

ap123

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I hope that's not true, because the next paragraph was originally the start.:)

Here is the original first three sentences:


Hanna sometimes caught fragments of her life before the lab . Like when they took her to surgery or testing and she walked down the wide gray halls, she would see another hall instead. This one with finger painted pictures and collages of construction paper.

Any better?

I definitely like this better than the first one.

Thanks. This is giving me ideas for other parts of my story. Here is my last attempt (for now):

Hanna sometimes remembered fragments of her life before the lab. Like when they took her to surgery or testing and going down the wide gray halls, she would see another hall instead. Little faces would float along beside her and the walls would be covered in finger painted pictures and collages of construction paper.

I still like the one before this better. Adding the details of little faces and collages of construction paper weigh it down.
 

Caretaker

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The way I see it, BethS, my main challenge is to find a way for Cooper to not wake up until hours after the sound is made. I'm down to a couple of options: something konking him on the head from the shockwave and knocking him unconscious, or being drunkenly passed out and ultimately not hearing anything. I'll also turn the noise down if he does hear anything.

As for "wake-up" beginnings, that's how I start nearly every chaos draft. They never make the final draft unless they're exceptionally vital (they haven't been so far.)
 

Nekko

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Nekko, I just *had* to comment on your avi. I love, love, love marmosets. Both the creature and the word. Thanks for making my day. :)
Glad I could bring some sunshine into your world!

"Snow fell over the puddle of blood like sprinkles on a macabre cupcake. Despite gushing like Old Faithful from the severed artery in his leg, Jensen scrabbled back to his feet and snarled at Timothy. What started as a typical challenge between two werewolves over something stupid—the cutting down of a Black Cottonwood on the boundary between their properties—had turned ugly when Tim failed to concede at first blood."
I like the 'Snow fell over the puddle of blood like sprinkles, but the macabre cupcake felt like you were trying too hard to be clever.(sorry)

I had the same reaction Beth did about the cut to the femoral artery. Don't assume that the reader knows all the folklore surrounding werewolves. (I didn't) Maybe he could think something like, "one of the good things about being a werewolf was how quickly his leg was already healing." or some such thing.

I'm not getting why werewolves would be concerned about the cutting down of a tree.
 

Lady Chipmunk

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Thanks, Nekko. This was the very first draft, and there are obviously some serious issues in it. I am going to rethink it and see what I can do.
 

BethS

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Thanks. This is giving me ideas for other parts of my story. Here is my last attempt (for now):

Hanna sometimes remembered fragments of her life before the lab. Like when they took her to surgery or testing and going down the wide gray halls, she would see another hall instead. Little faces would float along beside her and the walls would be covered in finger painted pictures and collages of construction paper.

Thumbs up. :)
 

LBlankenship

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The way I see it, BethS, my main challenge is to find a way for Cooper to not wake up until hours after the sound is made. I'm down to a couple of options: something konking him on the head from the shockwave and knocking him unconscious, or being drunkenly passed out and ultimately not hearing anything. I'll also turn the noise down if he does hear anything.

As for "wake-up" beginnings, that's how I start nearly every chaos draft. They never make the final draft unless they're exceptionally vital (they haven't been so far.)

Seems odd, so I have to ask: Why does he need to hear the noise, if he's not going to act on it for hours? Is it really a factor in his choice of action, after so long?
 
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