Do you consider this rude?
- Thread starter Marian Perera
- Start date
I think it all depends on the host, really. And what the party is like.
I mean, if you host a birthday part so you can arrive in a limo and wear diamonds and look like a million dollars so that everybody wows at you and have no discussion whatsoever with anyone because they're too busy gawping at you, then yeah, it's a bit OTT.
But I think most birthday parties will be about getting together on a special day, with fun, food and booze (or soda), music, catching up and all that. It's never occurred to me, whenever I've been invited, that the host was being self-absorbed or narcissistic.
But then, maybe we just don't mix with the same crowds...
I mean, if you host a birthday part so you can arrive in a limo and wear diamonds and look like a million dollars so that everybody wows at you and have no discussion whatsoever with anyone because they're too busy gawping at you, then yeah, it's a bit OTT.
But I think most birthday parties will be about getting together on a special day, with fun, food and booze (or soda), music, catching up and all that. It's never occurred to me, whenever I've been invited, that the host was being self-absorbed or narcissistic.
But then, maybe we just don't mix with the same crowds...
What? I have never in my life heard this. It would never even occur to me this would be rude!
I usually don't do anything for my birthday, which actually drives my friends up the wall and they always try to get me to. So one year I said, fine, I'll throw a party. I whined about how it was so much work and I didn't know how to do it. So my friends said, "This is how you do it. Potluck it. Tell everyone you'll provide booze and cake and ask everyone to bring some sort of foodstuffs."
So I did. I sent an email promising cake (my closest friends spent the day helping me make it and also took me to Costco to tell me what alcohol to buy). We made the apartment nice and borrowed a bunch of chairs. I invited over 30 people and almost all of them came, including a handful of friends from 6 hours away whom I didn't expect to actually come. Everyone was just so excited that I was actually doing something for my birthday.
And it was tons of fun! The end.
The next year I didn't want to do anything but my friend made me a TARDIS cake and I invited a few close friends over to eat it.
I also don't object to going out to a restaurant for a friend's birthday. If it's an inexpensive place usually everyone pitches in to cover the birthday peep, if it's super expensive then it's generally understood that this is not expected. (I still don't much like the latter because I can't afford it myself. But I can afford a cheaper place + 1/10 of my friend's meal, for instance.)
I usually don't do anything for my birthday, which actually drives my friends up the wall and they always try to get me to. So one year I said, fine, I'll throw a party. I whined about how it was so much work and I didn't know how to do it. So my friends said, "This is how you do it. Potluck it. Tell everyone you'll provide booze and cake and ask everyone to bring some sort of foodstuffs."
So I did. I sent an email promising cake (my closest friends spent the day helping me make it and also took me to Costco to tell me what alcohol to buy). We made the apartment nice and borrowed a bunch of chairs. I invited over 30 people and almost all of them came, including a handful of friends from 6 hours away whom I didn't expect to actually come. Everyone was just so excited that I was actually doing something for my birthday.
And it was tons of fun! The end.
The next year I didn't want to do anything but my friend made me a TARDIS cake and I invited a few close friends over to eat it.
I also don't object to going out to a restaurant for a friend's birthday. If it's an inexpensive place usually everyone pitches in to cover the birthday peep, if it's super expensive then it's generally understood that this is not expected. (I still don't much like the latter because I can't afford it myself. But I can afford a cheaper place + 1/10 of my friend's meal, for instance.)
Marian, FWIW, I think worrying about throwing your own birthday party is a silly scruple.
And it's okay if your friends bring gifts. They're your friends and family, right?
But dressing it up as an un-birthday thing (unless you're going for an Alice theme) seems a little disingenuous. It's your birthday. You'd like to have a party.
I dodge this particular bullet just because I've been married almost all my adult life and my husband officially throws them for me. But there's really no difference.
People just like to find fault. Seriously, with all the downright rudeness in the world, worrying about obscure points of etiquette like this is really pointless. The birthday person who threw a party did all those (insert insulting words of choice here) people a favor. Now they have something to bitch about.
*sighs* This is why I like novels so much better. Although if you're really irked, it's a great scene to work into a novel. Make them truly ridiculous.
What can I say? You mess with a storyteller at your peril.
And it's okay if your friends bring gifts. They're your friends and family, right?
But dressing it up as an un-birthday thing (unless you're going for an Alice theme) seems a little disingenuous. It's your birthday. You'd like to have a party.
I dodge this particular bullet just because I've been married almost all my adult life and my husband officially throws them for me. But there's really no difference.
People just like to find fault. Seriously, with all the downright rudeness in the world, worrying about obscure points of etiquette like this is really pointless. The birthday person who threw a party did all those (insert insulting words of choice here) people a favor. Now they have something to bitch about.
*sighs* This is why I like novels so much better. Although if you're really irked, it's a great scene to work into a novel. Make them truly ridiculous.
What can I say? You mess with a storyteller at your peril.
I think so too. And you're right, it's disingenuous to try to pass off such a party as a not-birthday just to satisfy a certain social standard. Something's that OK 364 days of the year shouldn't automatically make you a swollen-headed narcissist when you do it on the 365th.
I thought perhaps not throwing yourself a party was a thing in the US, but it seems like even people in the States either aren't familiar with this or don't agree.
*grin* Great way to look at it.
Very.
ETA:
It's not rude to mention your birthday is coming up and you're thinking you might try to organize something with friends. And if a friend volunteers to throw the party, there you are. I've thrown a few parties for people under these circumstances. I always like to remember people's birthdays if I like them; I've no problem being reminded. I just mind being demanded.
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I don't think offering hospitality is ever rude whether it's for your birthday or not. I'd think directing what others pay for/provide is where etiquette issues would come up.
I don't include the possibility of guests bringing gifts as "directing what others pay for." Although bringing a birthday gift is customary in many places, it's also customary that you're not supposed to expect a gift. You can't really be held accountable for something you're not supposed to expect in the first place, imo.
Also, there are so many things I've always understood to be "rude" that groups of people do and all seem just fine with, so I feel like etiquette is not the cut and dried thing you can just look up in a guide and figure other people would do the same like it used to be in my childhood, for example. Imo, that's nice in a way but also why a ton of misunderstandings and problems happen. When everyone wings it, what one person thinks is just lovely, the next person is put out by. So, I don't think the free and easy thing works very well overall. I don't really care which way things go, I would just rather know what to do and expect.
I don't include the possibility of guests bringing gifts as "directing what others pay for." Although bringing a birthday gift is customary in many places, it's also customary that you're not supposed to expect a gift. You can't really be held accountable for something you're not supposed to expect in the first place, imo.
Also, there are so many things I've always understood to be "rude" that groups of people do and all seem just fine with, so I feel like etiquette is not the cut and dried thing you can just look up in a guide and figure other people would do the same like it used to be in my childhood, for example. Imo, that's nice in a way but also why a ton of misunderstandings and problems happen. When everyone wings it, what one person thinks is just lovely, the next person is put out by. So, I don't think the free and easy thing works very well overall. I don't really care which way things go, I would just rather know what to do and expect.
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I agree with this. I think it can be rude if you make it about your friends catering to you and make it clear that you expect presents. But if you're a gracious host who makes a real effort at giving your friends a good time, and you focus more on the companionship and fun part, I don't think there's anything rude about that.
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At first glance, all I thought was, "F that noise. I can throw a party for myself if I want. And it will be an awesome party, so be grateful I invited you to this excellent party, okay?"
On second, however, I can see how some people could turn it into an exercise in their own narcissism. It really does depend on whether the emphasis is on everybody having a good time or everybody honouring the birthday-human.
A party that's a communal celebration, that is intended to bring every person there joy and pleasure, is a delight. But a party that is a thinly-veiled excuse to smooch one person's behind because they exist? Eh...
On second, however, I can see how some people could turn it into an exercise in their own narcissism. It really does depend on whether the emphasis is on everybody having a good time or everybody honouring the birthday-human.
A party that's a communal celebration, that is intended to bring every person there joy and pleasure, is a delight. But a party that is a thinly-veiled excuse to smooch one person's behind because they exist? Eh...
I used to have a friend who would email me suggestions of what to get her when it was near time for her birthday or other occasion. It was hilarious, in a way. 
The worst kind of perfunctory routine has to be throwing a whole party for someone each year when you don't really want to, too!
I think throwing your own gig clears all that up very nicely for others
The only party (not dinners out) my friends ever threw for my birthday went horribly in the arrangements anyway. We were 14 or so and they just asked me to spend the night on a Friday around my birthday. I didn't feel like staying out, so I said no
Adolescent drama ensued!
I think throwing your own gig clears all that up very nicely for others
The only party (not dinners out) my friends ever threw for my birthday went horribly in the arrangements anyway. We were 14 or so and they just asked me to spend the night on a Friday around my birthday. I didn't feel like staying out, so I said no
Adolescent drama ensued!
^ This is what my group of friends do as well. Its usually low key at an inexpensive restaurant the birthday celebrant likes. They let everyone know where and when and people show up if they can. Sometimes its at a restaurant / bar/ bowling place, once it was dinner then go-carting. If people didn't want to do the after activity they popped in at the restaurant said 'happy birthday' had a drink then went home. Totally no pressure.
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I just turned sixty. Never had a birthday party even when I was a kid. Never thought about throwing one for myself. Maybe next year.
^This!
I was like "Wtf, ALL of my friends and I host our own 'parties'?" We usually have a get-together dinner. Everyone pays for their own food, including the birthday person (who picks the place and invites the people they want there). Often the birthday person's significant other will pay for their dinner or certain of the friends will volunteer to get parts of it ("It's your birthday, let me pay for your dessert!" "Let me leave the tip!"). We may or may not bring a card or something small - otherwise "no presents but your presence" is the general rule. Everyone is happy with this arrangement. Pretty sure no one finds it rude when the person says "We're going to X for my birthday, want to come?"
I don't think it's rude or narcissistic to plan and host your own birthday.
As others have said, I do think it would be rude or narcissistic to plan your own party at an expensive restaurant and expect others to pay for it or demand gifts.
But to plan your own party, call your friends and say come celebrate with me, Happy Birthday, enjoy.
As others have said, I do think it would be rude or narcissistic to plan your own party at an expensive restaurant and expect others to pay for it or demand gifts.
But to plan your own party, call your friends and say come celebrate with me, Happy Birthday, enjoy.
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Funny, I came across this discussion in another forum not long ago, and it followed the same lines. Some people were adamant that throwing your own party is "narcissistic," and others argues that the opposite was true: expecting someone to throw a party for you is the narcissistic thing. I am in the latter camp. It occurs to me that this might be a generational or cultural thing. Kids these days (up to age 30 or so) will often arrange their own birthday party and treat their friends. People that scoff at that idea seem to be of an older gen.
I'm no kid, nor are my friends. It's not generational. Treating others for the pleasure of hosting them is never rude. What is rude is to demand that they do something for you, whether it be to buy you a meal, to bring you gifts, or to kiss your diva behind.
I would be willing to bet that what the people at Etiquette Hell found "rude" were people who expected one of those three things I listed, not people who wanted to provide dinner and cake for their friends.
ETA:
I have noticed that it's increasingly rare for people to throw a party (birthday or otherwise), provide everything, and expect nothing. I'm one of the last people I know who does that (and enjoys doing it). And increasingly, people are so dumbfounded that you're doing it that they insist that surely you don't mean it and they're supposed to bring something.
The flip side is that they always expect you to bring something to their parties. I have resigned myself to the fact that however many times I host people and insist they bring nothing, they invariably will require me to bring a sloshing pot and a bottle of something when I go to their place. And I'll do it, though I'd love, just for once, for someone to actually host me instead of having me be a co-host.
But the minute they demand gifts...I'm out.
I think (and Miss Manners thinks) that it's not only polite but also charming to host your friends. Alas, though, it's a custom that seems to be dying out, at least in the U.S. (or at least among people I know).
ETA:
It's also increasingly difficult to get anyone to RSVP -- and to stick to their decision even if they bother to do so. I'm a hard-ass -- if you fail to RSVP for one of my parties, or if you RSVP and then back out for a reason that isn't a damn good one, you don't get invited again. If I'm going to all the trouble of shopping and cooking for you, you can take the trouble to commit one way or the other, in time for me to plan.
I would be willing to bet that what the people at Etiquette Hell found "rude" were people who expected one of those three things I listed, not people who wanted to provide dinner and cake for their friends.
ETA:
I have noticed that it's increasingly rare for people to throw a party (birthday or otherwise), provide everything, and expect nothing. I'm one of the last people I know who does that (and enjoys doing it). And increasingly, people are so dumbfounded that you're doing it that they insist that surely you don't mean it and they're supposed to bring something.
The flip side is that they always expect you to bring something to their parties. I have resigned myself to the fact that however many times I host people and insist they bring nothing, they invariably will require me to bring a sloshing pot and a bottle of something when I go to their place. And I'll do it, though I'd love, just for once, for someone to actually host me instead of having me be a co-host.
But the minute they demand gifts...I'm out.
I think (and Miss Manners thinks) that it's not only polite but also charming to host your friends. Alas, though, it's a custom that seems to be dying out, at least in the U.S. (or at least among people I know).
ETA:
It's also increasingly difficult to get anyone to RSVP -- and to stick to their decision even if they bother to do so. I'm a hard-ass -- if you fail to RSVP for one of my parties, or if you RSVP and then back out for a reason that isn't a damn good one, you don't get invited again. If I'm going to all the trouble of shopping and cooking for you, you can take the trouble to commit one way or the other, in time for me to plan.
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Sat Nam! (Literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)
I'm almost 62, and I'm in the of-course-it's-polite-to-host-your-own-party camp.
Blessings,
Siri Kirpal
I'm almost 62, and I'm in the of-course-it's-polite-to-host-your-own-party camp.
Blessings,
Siri Kirpal
The Par-Tay Queen Chimes In...
Lurve me some Birthday Parties!!!!
My BFFs and I get together for birthdays at local restaurants all the time.
We bring one serious and lots of gag gifts, and we pay for our own food - We also chip in and pay for the "Birthday Girl's" meal.
Two years ago, I told my BFF I'd never had a birthday party as a child, and I wanted a big, crazy "surprise" party for my 60th.
She threw me the best Surprise Pajama Party EVAH!!!
Now, she will be turning 60 in April, and I've been planning her party for 6 months - I can hardly wait.
Yes, it's OK to throw your own party, but it's even better when someone else does all of the work.
Lurve me some Birthday Parties!!!!
My BFFs and I get together for birthdays at local restaurants all the time.
We bring one serious and lots of gag gifts, and we pay for our own food - We also chip in and pay for the "Birthday Girl's" meal.
Two years ago, I told my BFF I'd never had a birthday party as a child, and I wanted a big, crazy "surprise" party for my 60th.
She threw me the best Surprise Pajama Party EVAH!!!
Now, she will be turning 60 in April, and I've been planning her party for 6 months - I can hardly wait.
Yes, it's OK to throw your own party, but it's even better when someone else does all of the work.
Rude? NO. As for the rest, "self-absorbed", "unrealistic", "narcissistic" and "entitled", why worry about being judged by people who have no right to judge. And don't invite them to your party.
I think throwing your own birthday party is a fine idea, showing you are happy to celebrate your life. I am free. Are you serving cake?
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I don't consider it rude or narcissistic at all.
I wouldn't do it, because I would rather humans would just leave me alone. My perfect birthday party would be a spa day for just me.
But if you're the kind of person who enjoys having people around, then why shouldn't you take the initiative?
I wouldn't do it, because I would rather humans would just leave me alone. My perfect birthday party would be a spa day for just me.
But if you're the kind of person who enjoys having people around, then why shouldn't you take the initiative?