Your wish is granted...

Go ahead, hit the hay. There will be someone along to arrest you in seven hours.


I wish I could find my reading glasses

Granted. But your decline in linguistic ability--which has been evident for some time now--makes it impossible for you to understand anything you read.

I wish I owned a lake.

Granted.

You now own one of the Great Lakes. I'm not saying which, and good luck doing anything with it, but it is yours.

... Or maybe it was that one in Russia. Hmm, not sure about that.



I wish I could figure out where this draft was coming from.

That draft is coming from an ill wind, which (needless to say) is blowing you no good.

I wish I could fly anywhere in the world without paying.

Raise your right hand and repeat after me ... You are now a member of the Latvian Air Force.

I wish I knew how to avoid shooting at Latvian Aircraft.

Granted.

You're French. Goddamn surrender monkey.*





I wish I knew what to do about the large French mob descending on my house.


*With apologies to the French.

Granted. Put a Nebuchadnezzar of Beaujolais, three liters of Grand Marnier, two dozen loaves of pain de campagne, a kilo of foie gras and a 10-gallon tub of escargots in front of your house. Stand on your porch and wave a small French flag while singing "La Marseillaise." On second thought, don't sing.

I wish the last 30 seconds of the Super Bowl game could be replayed, with Seattle running the ball (almost a guaranteed TD) instead of throwing that idiotic pass.

Granted. But when Seattle wins the Patriot fans rriot and destroy everything with Seattle in its name including your prized collection of Seattle game gear.
I wish Gallant Man's jockey had not pulled him up too soon the first Saturday in May 1957.

Granted. But the fans of Iron Liege (which beat Gallant Man because of that jockey's error) burn your house down, flood your email with obscene curses and follow you wherever you go, throwing horseshoes at you.

I wish my back didn't hurt.

Granted

lesee .. positive Jumper cable clap to the right nipple negative to the left ... anybody seen my car keys


I wish somebody else would clean that up

Granted.

They clean it up, and then leave the trash bags on your lawn.... And I think one of them just *moved.*




I wish I knew how to make it warmer upstairs.

Granted! Satan has been trying to educate God about that for millennia. You too will have a warm upstairs...

I wish I had steel fingernails.

Granted. The Genie is providing you with steel fingernails. As a bonus, he is making them stainless.They will grow just like your old nails, but you will need sturdy metal cutters to trim them. You won't mind if the cutters slip and slice off a finger occasionally, will you?

I wish all my problems could be solved in the next ten minutes.

* hands Nym a lit stick of dynamite *

* dons raincoat and rain hat *



I wish I had earplugs

Your wish is granted you have earplugs that cannot be removed for the rest of your life.

Wish for a rainbow and no more snow.

Granted.

But with the rainbow comes a tornado. Watch out for flying monkeys.



I wish I'd gotten more sleep.

Granted. Three days ago, you ate an apple given to you by a witch and fell into a deep sleep. You will remain in that sleep until you are kissed by a frog who is really a princess (or maybe by a toad who is really a serial killer--you can't win 'em all).

I wish I would never have another computer problem.

Wish granted. All computers in your rez are now unplugged. You will have to visit AW from the local library's bank of Gateways. All computer problems will now be the public library's problem. And look! As a bonus I have made you a thermos of coffee and packed a lunchbox with a baloney sandwich, a banana and a couple of Twinkies, so you don't have to walk back home for lunch. That's how the geezers who use our public library computers do things. You should fit right in. Your first step to geezerdom!

I wish P. Allen Smith was my long lost son--s6

Granted.

I don't know who that is, so the best I can do is point you in the right direction. It's all going to end in interstate kidnapping felonies anyway.



I wish I could have another cup of coffee to wake me up without running the risk of it keeping me up all night.

Granted. You will be roused from your sleep at fifteen-minute intervals throughout the night. Sweet dreams!

I wish everyone would quit griping about the weather and actually do something about it. (apologies to Will Rogers)

Granted. The nutjobs seed the atmosphere and the earth's temperature drops two degrees. We are now stuck in a permanent ice age. Happy??

I wish you all had better days.

Granted

Everyone will have better days than you will, no matter how low the bar.


I wish I had a pair of raccoons

Genie was unable to capture raccoons on short notice, so Genie settled on the next best thing: turning Porter into a raccoon. Lacking a better model, this was accomplished by punching him in the eyes. Those two shiners look like raccoon markings, right?

I wish I had better days.

Granted


... as seen through the genie's blackened eyes and current ill temper



I wish I had a butterfly spoon

Granted.

It's really, really tiny, and I have no idea why a butterfly needs cutlery in the first place, but... it's yours.



I wish I could decide what to make for dinner.