BS your way through

Appearance is everything. Take Paris Hilton, for instance. (On the other hand, don't take her.)

How many steps are in the stairway to Heaven?

It depends on whether you take the stairway from the ballroom or the servants stairway. The former has much wider low steps while the other is there to reach the destination more quickly. Many have tried to get there without using either, just climbing over the backs of others, but that general is not a successful route.

Is there anything hotter than hell, other than maybe ghost peppers?

Any Hemsworth.

Did anyone ever really throw the baby out with the bathwater?

On December 28, 1970, in Calgary, Alberta, a mother accidentally threw her baby out with the bathwater. Against all odds, a sewer worker found the baby quickly and returned it to its frantic parent. That baby grew up to become Ted Cruz.

It you are in an elevator that starts to fall, what should you do?
- a) dial 911
- b) call your significant other
- c) scream

c. Screaming is the most entertaining for onlookers, and you may as well go out with a bang!

Is it wrong to factor in entertainment value when questioning actions during one's demise?

I'm still stuck on which one is going to die before I decide to question it or not.



In a fair fight between Dave Letterman and Rosie O'Donnell, which one would scream in the highest pitch.

They would scream at exactly the same pitch. It's a draw.

Why is being hit in the face with a pie considered funny?

It has to do with the circular shape of the pie and the underlying pun on the mathematical principle of pi. Funny that such an esoteric mathematical joke got so popular...

If an octopus can change its spots, why can't a leopard?

Octopus spots are painted on. A little nail polish remover works wonders.

Conversely leopard spots are tattooed, thus a lot more work to change, and the results are not always good. Most leopards choose not to attempt it.

Why spots? why not stripes, stars, and triangles??

Spots – filled-in circles – are universal. Stripes, stars and triangles have meaning to people of various religious and political traditions, espceially with leopards. Use them wrong, someone will get offended. If that happens, there will be outrage. You don't want that. Leopard lives are hard enough.

Where can I find a good deal on a used Edsel in running condition?

There are too many oxymorons in that sentence.


How do I unload my trunk full of supposedly sleeping skunks the guys told me wouldn't wake up for another eight hours.

Place them very gently in the running Edsel, with gratitude that some posters actually know what an Edsel is and why that is funny. Then hop in your AMC Pacer Wagon, which runs, and drive away quicklly!

What is the worst car anyone could waste money on?

I'm not sure what it is but it has been parked in my driveway for a while.


Is it ok to wear a swim suit in a blizzard?

Certainly, unless you're a wuss. Some Russian children do so every day!

Why is there a moose parked in Porter's driveway??

Because there's no place like home.

Why are mad scientists' assistants always deformed in some way?

Why are mad scientists' assistants always deformed in some way?[/QUOTE]

They're not deformed. They're from other planets. They're normal on their home planets.


Are you on drugs, or what?

Nymtoc said:

Because there's no place like home.

Why are mad scientists' assistants always deformed in some way?

Click to expand...

They are are ... a little off .. so they hire people who make them look good. I'd think you'd have figured that out after all of the mad scientists you've worked for.


Is there a chance the snow bowling will catch on?

It already did, but they call it avalanches.

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin, and why would they want to, anyway?

23,257,965 angels can dance on the head of a pin, according to experiments performed last month at CIT (the Celestial Institute of Technology). In the past, only 1,457,896 angels were thought to be able to dance on the head of a pin, but that was before recent advances in nanotechnology permitted more accurate measurements. The second part of your question was answered by an annoyed-looking archangel, who stopped playing his harp long enough to say, "Because it's there."

What is the oldest trick in the book?

While one of the TV ads indicates it the old ' look over there thing ', it postdated the actual first trick which was to make someone else think you were playing a trick while actually not playing one. That one lasted for a century or until it became popular to murder the person playing the trick. That dove tailed well with the 'hey, look over there" thing which soon became quite popular.


Other than Gutenberg Bible thing, which was the PRINTED book, what was the first book?

The first actual book was written by Gog on a piece of bark. It had an Oedipal theme, which prevents me from relating the plot, although, if was inspiring and uplifting to the readers at the time.

What theme park would you like to see?

It depends upon how the vote turns out. Right now it looks like you should be headed for 6 glowing flags over three mile island. You can get maximum exposure to the six flags experience. It's a one chance in a lifetime trip.

Is there a limit to how high they can build a roller coaster without getting tied up with that babel thing?

Technically, probably, but it would take physicists and mathematicians and stuff to figure out why. Sadly, I am neither, but could make stuff up that sounds dubiously plausible.

Share examples of restraint and viable options when loud drunken people congregate in the apartment below.

While they are sleeping it off, drill a couple of holes and install some rubber hosing. Accumulate a collection of various gasses, to be piped below, depending on level of patience. or get ear plugs or accidently drive your car into their living room or ....


How many years can some people exist?

Well, the Bible says that Methuselah lived 969 years, so you must accept that as the longest time anyone can live. If, for some unknown reason, you do not accept the words of the Good Book, we will arrange for you to have a long, rehabilitative prayer session with Pat Robertson every morning for the rest of your days (or his).

If the gates of Heaven are covered with pearls, what kind of gems adorn the gates of Hell?