A bit of background: Ages ago, a German mother and her son stayed with us when I was little. When I was planning to backpacking through Europe year, my mother recommended me to call the mother, who lives in Berlin. I called her, we talked a bit, I e-mailed her and she never answered back.
Flash forward a few months later, and the trip has been cancelled by basically the meltdown of Venezuelan economy, I don't think about her until her son writes me saying she's waiting for me. I write him back explaning the situation. I must add that part of my interest on the trip is to meet new people and manage myself alone for the first time. That's why I chose hostals over hotels, despite my mother's family protest that I would probably be robbed, beaten and/or raped.
Anyway, he wrote me back saying I could stay in the city where he lives, which happens to between Berlin and Amsterdam, two cities I planned to visit, and he says he can show me the region and explain me how to move around Amsterdam and that he would ask his boyfriend about the situation of Venezuela, since he's more knowledgeable on international affairs. I did a double take, I was surprised by his straightforwardness. He wasn't vague (my partner, my SO, my roommate) nor he felt he needed to explain it (By the way... Didn't I tell you...). It was something... Matter-of-fact, mundane, commonplace.
And it didn't leave my mind for a week or so, I was obsessed about it. I even had naughty thoughts about him and his boyfriend. I was and still am envious of a freedom I don't have, a carefreeness I don't know, they have so much time due fear and impotence I no longer own.
And, as a bisexual, I could have tried pursuing relationship with women but the idea of sex and relationship seems unappealing to me. I really don't have much to offer to anyone or so I feel. I'm a co-dependent person devoured by insecurities who is simply not mature enough to maintain a romantic relationship. I wanted the trip to Europe to change that for the better, even a bit.
I don't know, I never had felt romantically jealous that should be me"-type of sentiment before and I'm still not sure how to digested it.
Flash forward a few months later, and the trip has been cancelled by basically the meltdown of Venezuelan economy, I don't think about her until her son writes me saying she's waiting for me. I write him back explaning the situation. I must add that part of my interest on the trip is to meet new people and manage myself alone for the first time. That's why I chose hostals over hotels, despite my mother's family protest that I would probably be robbed, beaten and/or raped.
Anyway, he wrote me back saying I could stay in the city where he lives, which happens to between Berlin and Amsterdam, two cities I planned to visit, and he says he can show me the region and explain me how to move around Amsterdam and that he would ask his boyfriend about the situation of Venezuela, since he's more knowledgeable on international affairs. I did a double take, I was surprised by his straightforwardness. He wasn't vague (my partner, my SO, my roommate) nor he felt he needed to explain it (By the way... Didn't I tell you...). It was something... Matter-of-fact, mundane, commonplace.
And it didn't leave my mind for a week or so, I was obsessed about it. I even had naughty thoughts about him and his boyfriend. I was and still am envious of a freedom I don't have, a carefreeness I don't know, they have so much time due fear and impotence I no longer own.
And, as a bisexual, I could have tried pursuing relationship with women but the idea of sex and relationship seems unappealing to me. I really don't have much to offer to anyone or so I feel. I'm a co-dependent person devoured by insecurities who is simply not mature enough to maintain a romantic relationship. I wanted the trip to Europe to change that for the better, even a bit.
I don't know, I never had felt romantically jealous that should be me"-type of sentiment before and I'm still not sure how to digested it.
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