Openings

I can't agree that the Sayers' line is beautifully crafted. It has way more words than it needs to convey its meaning.

Buffysquirrel said:

I can't agree that the Sayers' line is beautifully crafted. It has way more words than it needs to convey its meaning.

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I don't think those words detract from it, but I'm curious. How would you revise it?

BethS said:

I don't think those words detract from it, but I'm curious. How would you revise it?

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I already posted a possible revision that uses fewer words, but that may be its only merit! lol

Crimson roses lay on the bench like splashes of blood.

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Shorter isn't necessarily better, and I certainly don't set myself up against Sayers in general.

Buffysquirrel said:

I already posted a possible revision that uses fewer words, but that may be its only merit! lol

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So you did. I missed that. Sorry!

Your version is smooth and definitely less wordy. It's a fine sentence in every way. But it also somehow changes the voice of those opening lines. The new version no longer quite fits with what follows, if you read the first few paragraphs of that story.

Which brings up a general point about voice and style versus current trends and reader expectations. Sometimes the two sides clash.

quicklime said:

one does what one can to fuck with the British.....

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Yet one rarely succeeds.

BethS said:

Your version is smooth and definitely less wordy. It's a fine sentence in every way. But it also somehow changes the voice of those opening lines. The new version no longer quite fits with what follows, if you read the first few paragraphs of that story.

Which brings up a general point about voice and style versus current trends and reader expectations. Sometimes the two sides clash.

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Yes. Sometimes I think it's a shame when we try to narrow the acceptable range of openings. Some people can still pull off a descriptive opening, even for the modern reader.