BS your way through

Silver King

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Why don't you ever hear of people being reincarnated from Joe Shmo the onion picker from Timbucktu?
Because Joe Shmo has been reinvented in so many ways, like Joe Lewis and Joe Theisman and Joe Blow, that the name no longer registers with the effect of, say, The Reincarnation of Peter Proud.

Why does sixty minutes of Super Bowl register countless hours of hype before and after the game?
 

MidnightMuse

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It's called the Superbowl String Theory Phenomenon, wherein the actual pre and post game coverage -- in truth -- lasts only 3 minutes on average. However, as the Superbowl String Theory Phenomenon suggest - during this event, all coverage, discussion or mere mention of the Super Bowl itself creates a warp in the time-space continuim, thus twisting our perception of time and the relative calories of potato chips and beer. We are therefore confused into thinking this Super Bowl coverage is going on and on and on, whilst also consuming mass quantities of Lite beer and pretzels.

Some speculate that only those who do consume these products experience the Superbowl String Theory Phenomenon - causing them to feel time pass in a matter of moments. Whereas those who avoid alcohol and snack food consumption fail to connect with the SSTP wave, and are therefore left with an odd sensation of time slowing at a dramatic rate.

There is, as of yet, no cure or way to avoid the SSTP. Studies have show, however, that if one wishes to make time pass at a more nominal rate during the Super Bowl, it is advisable to consume alcohol. And lots of it.


What I'd like to know is: Why does a watched pot take so long to boil?
 

Meerkat

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Why, the answer is in your very own avatar....consider the expression "staring daggers." Now, the only way that we can tell that a pot is boiling is the bubbling action on the surface. But if you are staring daggers, those little darts travel at light speed, much slower than the decaf coffee speed at which our brains operate. So you have prematurely popped the bubbles you needed as evidence to make a decision that the pot has boiled. The only pot that every boils is one that we hear boiling (speed of sound less, than decaf coffee speed of brain, less than speed of light).

Now, if someone could just tell me how the phrase "it's the exception that proves the rule" makes any sense at all?!?!
 

Ol' Fashioned Girl

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Scholars have argued the answer to your question for hundred of years, gclare. Research indicates that this phrase - originally spouted in Latin as "exception probat regulam" - was hurled forth as the next-to-last challenge... the one offered in an argument when the arguer senses s/he hasn't got much of a leg left to stand on and the arguee is ready to deliver the coup de'grace - namely, 'Yo momma!'.

But why does bottled water have an expiration date?
 

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Because if you let it sit out long enough it starts to taste really strange. This is based on the bottle of water I've been taking my allergy meds with every morning for two weeks, that's been sitting out on my nightstand that long. Water tasted almost dusty, even though the cap's been on.

Why do my cats insist on cleaning my hand whether it's freshly washed or dirty?
 

AnnieColleen

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Because you drink dusty water. Cats on average have 153% more dust-sensing cells than humans. Their instinctual response to high dust levels (i.e., typical human dust levels) is to try to wash away the unhealthy excess, which they can safely do thanks to the antidustial properties of feline saliva.

Why are there always some uncracked pistachios at the bottom of the bag?
 

limitedtimeauthor

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Because by the time you've gotten to the bottom of the bag, you've consumed far too many pistachios. The uncracked ones are put there as a public service by the companies (in collaboration with the Senate Subcommittee on Obesity) to slow down your consumption.

Also, the Dental Advisory Board needed a little more funding.

Why do they keep making sappy, over-acted TV commercials about life insurance or being "regular"?
 

limitedtimeauthor

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Oh no! Crossed with OFG!

The four corners of the earth are all here, in my little town. They brought them here to increase tourism. So when people are sent to the "four corners of the earth," they're actually coming to BFE.

Now my commercials question:

Why do they keep making TV commercials that are so BAD???
 

dreamsofnever

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Why do they keep making TV commercials that are so BAD???

It's not that the TV commercials are so bad, but that they are so incredibly enlightening that they soar right over our heads. Those advertisers... pure genius. We just don't realize it.


My question-why would a person say "I could care less" meaning that they don't care at all. Clearly, if you could care less, that would insinuate that your level of caring is slightly above not caring at all.
 

Ol' Fashioned Girl

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I believe, dreamsofnever, that's because people are basically careless (get it? huh? huh? :D) and, bottom line, lazy. It just takes too much energy to get it right, y'know? That one-tenth joule it would take to add 'n't' to the end of 'could' is just too much to ask.

Here's a real toughy, though: Why does eating salty snacks make me thirsty?
 

maestrowork

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Salt contains an enzyme called hydrolackingsome. This enzyme immediately attacks your throat muscles and tongue to make them dry, and diverts the water to your bladder as well as your joints and legs and hips and, and most notably, face and eye lids. The puffiness on your body is caused by a hormone U-fat-S that is also triggered by the enzyme.

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time when you're near?
 
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MidnightMuse

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You'd think it was a complex issue involving placement, time, wind currents and air flow - but really it's just the birdseed shampoo you're using.

What makes the world go 'round?
 

Ol' Fashioned Girl

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It's a necessity for our survival, gclare! If people knew the truth, we'd be inundated with offers to work for us for free... why, I'd never be able to get any work done if it weren't for the perception that it's deadly boring around here. Since y'all don't know where I am, I can tell you the gods' honest truth, working here's like being in the middle of a sexy soap opera day-in, day-out! I wouldn't trade it for anything! As it is, I had to get a conceal-carry permit just to be able to protect myself.

The pressing issue of the moment, however, is how do cats purr? Where does that sound come from?
 

maestrowork

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According to the blueprints of my cats, MAKU (Mobile Automation Kitty Unit) version 1.0 and 2.0, it's the purr box soldered between their first and second vertebrae (of course, these are made of aluminum, which gives them that vibrating sound). The purr-pose of the purr box is simple: To attract human companions who paid for these units. The attraction leads to feeding, rubbing, stroking, patting, all of which result in regenerating the MAKU's battery and their ability to strike while the human companion is at sleep. Like all other elegant designs, the purr box succeeds because it's just so simple.
(copied from MAKU Design Digest, issue 239)

Why do snowflakes stay on your nose and eye lashes?
 

MidnightMuse

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Those crystalline objects you refer to as "snowflakes" are, in point of fact, aliens from the planet OoohAwwwEeee. Every year, typically during the winter equanox of this planet we call Earth, they attempt a full-on invasion. Their plan is diabolical, logical and quite simple: Disrupt Human Activity. They attempt this by sending in their First Legion Automated Kamakazi Endzones (F.L.A.K.E.s) these Flakes pile up on top of each other in strategic places, like roads, driveways and airport runways, preventing normal commerce and commutes.

Their Secret Agents also descend with the waves of F.L.A.K.E.s and try to infiltrate your brains by clinging to your nose and eyelashes and bombarding you with the chill of their breath and penetrating your mind with their psyonic powers. I've been informed they're currently attempting a coup of the East Coast. Beware.

BEWARE!!!!!


So, tell me, how do they get those little ships inside the bottles?
 

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The ships aren't really that little. They are "life size" ships built in an alternate timestream from ours, where steam engines never developed. Space aliens connect a wormhole from that world, to the neck of a bottle in ours. When the ship is sucked through the event horizon, the ship shrinks to fit inside the bottle. No one knows why the space aliens do this, but it is rumored that they like ship-flavored rum.

Why do dog's feet smell like corn chips?
 

Cath

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It's not actually the smell of the dog's foot, but the smell of the washing liquid used to wash their socks.

Must learn to type faster...

I'm glad you asked that MM. It's a question that bothered me for many years. I researched the secret in all the greatest libraries in the world, from Falkirk to Wyoming and finally found the answer in a box that sat in my great-great-grandpa's attic for many years.

The secret is wicked, wickedly wicked, in fact. It will alter your very perception of reality.

The ship isn't really in the bottle at all. Chinese mystics came up with this system long before quantum physicists in the western world understood the dual nature of twinned atoms. The ship is actually an anti ship, created from atoms that hold the opposite state of those held in the bottle. The mastery is knowing which atoms to select to create the image of the ship in the bottle. It's a life's work to create even one ship.

The task is a labor of love for the craftsmen involved - otherwise these mystic ships in bottles would retail for hundreds of thousands of dollars.



Everyone knows that the peak of Everest is the highest point on earth, but what's the lowest?
 

Silver King

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Why do they call 'studio apartments' studio apartments?
The Studio Apartment term was invented in SoHo by desperate real estate moguls, where a lack of space and high demand for living quarters induced "artists" to seek out the least affordable homes where they could suffer for their craft in the worst possible way.

What does the phrase, "I think, therefore I am," really mean?
 

maestrowork

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The phrase was first used by Greek Philosopher Playdo in 2007 B.C., when one of his pupils questioned him about whether he was real or just figments of their imagination. Playdo, himself a stand-up comedian of the time, and an actor, stumbled at his answer and he started to stutter: "I think..." (just then four phoenixes flew by) "There! Four..." and finally decided that he was indeed real: "I am." His pupils, however, thought it was a real revelation on their part and wrote down the master's golden words as "I think, therefore I am." In truth, the phrase simply means, "Um, okay, oh look there are four birds -- okay, what is it again? Yes, I am." You can use it to answer any questions:

"Are you a writer?"
"I think, therefore I am."
"Are you a serial killer?"
"I think, therefore I am."
Etc. Etc. Etc.



Now, may I ask, mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of all?
 

Mandy-Jane

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Well as you know, it was a wicked witch or step-mother or queen or something who originally asked this question, and of course, the answer given at that time, was Snow White. In actual fact, Snow White was not the fairest. Nor was she beautiful, sweet-natured and kind to animals. She was really a mean-spirited, selfish, bloodthirsty girl who had a liking for chasing and torturing all the animals in the forest, after which she would kill them and cook them over a fire for her dinner. Just goes to show that you can't trust anything a mirror tells you.

And in answer to your question, the fairest of all, is in fact, me.



Now why do I always get an electric shock when I touch the door handle of my car, especially when I'm wearing my three inch cork platform shoes?
 

David McAfee

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Most new cars today come equipped with an anti theft "shock" system. The car has scanners underneath the door handles that register your DNA. Then, when a finger comes close that the scanner does not recognize, it sends a mild shock to the potential car thief as a warning. The fact that you are getting shocked means you need to take your car in to the dealer to have the system recalibrated, because obvioulsy your DNA must have changed since you bought the car.


OK, so...someone explain to me, please, why the guards at Buckinham palace are not allowed to move.
 

Ol' Fashioned Girl

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That's really a misconception, David. They are allowed to move; they just can't because they're actually statues. Yup. You read me right: The palace guards are really very cunningly fabricated fabrications.

Now, I'm still wondering: where IS Atlantis?