Scenes from a hat!

Kzordcid

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5. While having the 'getting to know you' conversation, he falls asleep at the table.

Bad ways to go about getting a raise at work.
 

Chris P

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred
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1. Dancing in singing "I know a secret! An extra $2 per hour will keep me from telling it!"
 

Robbert

Practical experience FTW
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2. "Like everyone else, I also wish to pick up loads of girls, get stoned and drive around in a flashy–"

"Excuse me, get what?"

"Er, get a higher salary!"
 

iLion

Why do I say these things?
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3. If you don't give me that raise.. I walk. Yeah! Yeah.. There's a company downtown.. and it's uh... it's uh... the ABC Company! Yeah, that's it! And they said they'd pay me a lot more than here!
 

Kaiser-Kun

!
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5. My mom always told me my good teeth would get me a high value


Worst letters for Santa ever
 

druid12000

You're out of your tree...
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1. Dear Santa, you are a worthless piece of %$#@ and I believe you probably molest small children. I ^%$#ing hate you with all my heart and soul and hope you die. I would like a toy truck and a football for Christmas.
Sincerely,
Billy, age ten.
 

Zeddo

Talk to the hat
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2. Dear Santa

Could you please kill my brother? None of us likes him and if you do this you don't need to bring me anything else. And if you don't, you better watch out when you get to the bottom of our chimney next year.

Mort, School Bully
 

druid12000

You're out of your tree...
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4. Hello Mr. Claus,
You may remember me from our last encounter.
If your elves hadn't been there to save you, I would have cut out your heart.
My Susie was only five and you couldn't see your way to bring her a f*cking Cabbage Patch doll!
When we meet again it'll be just you and me. Mano a Mano.
Sweet dreams,
Karl, the guy you f*cked with.

P.S. If it's not too much trouble, could you get me an M-60?
 

Robbert

Practical experience FTW
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5. If I was Santa I would give all children the same.
I don't mean the same toys, but that all children are happy.
You always give much more to the rich children.
You are not fair.
If you hate me now, don't come.
Kevin


Best letters Santa wrote to parents who aren't on top of things
 

Lavern08

Sit Down, and Shut Up!
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1.

Dear John & Jane Doe:

You do know I'm not real, right?
 

Williebee

Capeless, wingless, & yet I fly.
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Dear Mr. and Mrs. Duggar, Dear Ms. Suleman,

Are you freakin' kidding me? I got one sack, one sleigh and string of really pissed off reindeer here.

P.S. Rudolph says fuck you.
 

Kzordcid

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4. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith,

Next year remember to put the fire out. I'm enclosing the hospital bill and the bill to have my red suit replaced.

-Santa Claus
 

Robbert

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3. While crocheting in the village hall.
 

Kzordcid

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5. As you make your Presidential acceptance speech.

Things you shouldn't say when running into an old boyfriend or girlfriend.
 

Robbert

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2. "Jeez, you look like you still live in that ramshackle hut!"
 

Lavern08

Sit Down, and Shut Up!
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4. Remember that abortion you wanted me to get? Well, I didn't get it. Wanna meet your twins?