[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

This from a recent short I'm still tinkering with. Lock and load.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The fine ash hung in the air, turning the world to grey. Samuel wiped his goggles clear with the back of his hand and willed himself on across the deserted fields. If he could reach the underground springs he might make it, he thought, but as he passed yet another emaciated carcass, the hazy horizon looked a very long way away.[/FONT]

GraemeTollins said:

This from a recent short I'm still tinkering with. Lock and load.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The fine ash hung in the air, turning the world to grey. Samuel wiped his goggles clear with the back of his hand and willed himself on across the deserted fields. If he could reach the underground springs he might make it, he thought, but as he passed yet another emaciated carcass, the hazy horizon looked a very long way away.[/FONT]

Click to expand...

I like it.

First sentence, I'd delete "to".

Second sentence, I'd change "clear" to "clean", but I'd like it better if it said something like "wiped the grime". In this environment it doesn't sound like you'd get clear or clean.

I think the third sentence is run-on and the thought and action could be made stronger by separating them and expanding on them.

GraemeTollins said:

This from a recent short I'm still tinkering with. Lock and load.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The fine ash hung in the air, turning the world to grey. Samuel wiped his goggles clear with the back of his hand and willed himself on across the deserted fields. If he could reach the underground springs he might make it, he thought, but as he passed yet another emaciated carcass, the hazy horizon looked a very long way away.[/FONT]

Click to expand...

It leaves me with a lot of questions I want answered. I really like the descriptions you have used. The last line may be a bit passive and I think removing ‘he thought’ would take care of it. I would read on for sure.

VRanger said:

I like it.

First sentence, I'd delete "to".

Second sentence, I'd change "clear" to "clean", but I'd like it better if it said something like "wiped the grime". In this environment it doesn't sound like you'd get clear or clean.

I think the third sentence is run-on and the thought and action could be made stronger by separating them and expanding on them.

Click to expand...

First of all, thank you for reading and commenting.

The "to" - I want to keep it because I think it sounds "grander" than without, but I get your point.

Second sentence - Clear, Clean or something else. I agonised over this sentence. "Clean" of course is not correct. It can't be clean, given the ash. I used "clear" to emphasise vision, but that may not work. I'll check it out. Thank you.

The third sentence bothered me from the start, but now I know I can place the "thought" at the beginning with a better "He was sure..." and then follow on.

I reckon. Ugh.

Coralynn said:

It leaves me with a lot of questions I want answered. I really like the descriptions you have used. The last line may be a bit passive and I think removing ‘he thought’ would take care of it. I would read on for sure.

Click to expand...

Thanks. The "he thought" will be rephrased and pushed to the front of the sentence.

Thanks for reading.

GraemeTollins said:

First of all, thank you for reading and commenting.

Click to expand...

If you revise it, let us know. I'd be interested to see how it turns out.

I've never thought to break my first paragraph in half before. These sentences seem lonely now... But take a crack at them!

First 3:

The image was just beyond her reach. Clara lay on the overstuffed mattress all alone, sucking salt from a pumpkin seed while she gazed into her orb. She tried to keep her mind from the hour or her father.

MegOverman said:

I've never thought to break my first paragraph in half before. These sentences seem lonely now... But take a crack at them!

First 3:

The image was just beyond her reach. Clara lay on the overstuffed mattress all alone, sucking salt from a pumpkin seed while she gazed into her orb. She tried to keep her mind from the hour or her father.

Click to expand...

I like it, but the third sentence confuses me, which is probably why you didn't want to split up your paragraph. LOL You might be losing clarity in favor of class-ity.

GraemeTollins said:

This from a recent short I'm still tinkering with. Lock and load.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The fine ash hung in the air, turning the world to grey. Samuel wiped his goggles clear with the back of his hand and willed himself on across the deserted fields. If he could reach the underground springs he might make it, he thought, but as he passed yet another emaciated carcass, the hazy horizon looked a very long way away.[/FONT]

Click to expand...

I'm thirsty just reading this!
One tiny thing bugged me: fields. Were they cultivated? Were they mined? Deserted by what? People? Animals? Corn?
Certainly something to be answered at a later point. Like the fourth or fifth sentence.

guttersquid said:

Don't be so quick to run off and do a rewrite just because some people don't like it. Others, like me, might feel different. I like it a lot.

I see no reason to clarify the MC's distaste for the place and people. The fact that she calls them Shithole and shitheads already does that.

I also don't have a problem with you starting out mentioning a group instead of a single character, especially if the MC is the narrator. After all, if the MC is the narrator, then isn't she the single person?

The only problems I have with your opening is capitalizing shithole and shitheads. Seeing Shithole made me think that was the actual name of the place, and I see no need to capitalize shitheads. Maybe you could try something like:

The Crusty Lounge, a real shithole, was closing early ...

Edited to add: Yes, you risk alienating some people by using "bad" language, but you need to stay true to your characters. If the cuss, they cuss.

Click to expand...

Thanks for your comments! Amazing what happens here after planting three lonely sentences. The critiques bloom and grow!
The capitalizing is on purpose,as it is the designated name for the place and its people.
No, I won't rewrite the entire thing, but I will punch it up a little. I can't rely solely on naughty words to get readers' attentions.

GraemeTollins said:

This from a recent short I'm still tinkering with. Lock and load.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The fine ash hung in the air, turning the world to grey. Samuel wiped his goggles clear with the back of his hand and willed himself on across the deserted fields. If he could reach the underground springs he might make it, he thought, but as he passed yet another emaciated carcass, the hazy horizon looked a very long way away.[/FONT]

Click to expand...

Nice! I agree with VRanger, I'd remove "to". The second sentence is saying two very different things, maybe put a period in to separate those thoughts. I also don't like where your wrote "he thought." It seems to interrupt the flow.

You are a good writer! LOL You really are.

MegOverman said:

I've never thought to break my first paragraph in half before. These sentences seem lonely now... But take a crack at them!

First 3:

The image was just beyond her reach. Clara lay on the overstuffed mattress all alone, sucking salt from a pumpkin seed while she gazed into her orb. She tried to keep her mind from the hour or her father.

Click to expand...

I feel like a numpty, but I don't know what the third sentence means. What is "the hour or her father"?

Otherwise I think it's a bit too vague for me. I don't know what "the image" is, and "gazed into her orb" is a little passive. It sounds like the image is just beyond her reach, but that she doesn't really care, so I also don't care, you know?

I really like the image of "sucking salt from a pumpkin seed".

GraemeTollins said:

This from a recent short I'm still tinkering with. Lock and load.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The fine ash hung in the air, turning the world to grey. Samuel wiped his goggles clear with the back of his hand and willed himself on across the deserted fields. If he could reach the underground springs he might make it, he thought, but as he passed yet another emaciated carcass, the hazy horizon looked a very long way away.[/FONT]

Click to expand...

I like the imagery here a lot. I do think you have a few superfluous words.

I would also remove the "to", but I think that it's the word "turning" I don't like. If the ash is hanging, the world has already been turned grey (so it's no longer turning or becoming grey). "Fine ash hung blanketed the sky in grey." or something?

With the last sentence, the causality is a bit lost. Spying the carcass diminishes his spirit, making the horizon look further away, but the structure at the moment makes it sound as though these things happen at the same time. I would look at rewording that so the misery of the carcass is more apparent.

MegOverman said:

I've never thought to break my first paragraph in half before. These sentences seem lonely now... But take a crack at them!

First 3:

The image was just beyond her reach. Clara lay on the overstuffed mattress all alone, sucking salt from a pumpkin seed while she gazed into her orb. She tried to keep her mind from the hour or her father.

Click to expand...

Hi MegOverman! Welcome!
I liked the second sentence a lot! The first one doesn't seem to flow as well, and same with the third. Still, I would read on for sure!

MegOverman said:

I've never thought to break my first paragraph in half before. These sentences seem lonely now... But take a crack at them!

First 3:

The image was just beyond her reach. Clara lay on the overstuffed mattress all alone, sucking salt from a pumpkin seed while she gazed into her orb. She tried to keep her mind from the hour or her father.

Click to expand...

The opening sentence doesn’t ground the reader. We are not sure who ‘her’ is or where she is or if she is in fact reaching with her hands if an image (like a photo) or trying to see something that is too far away. I like the second sentence a lot. You may consider changing the order of the first and second sentence. The third sentence is really confusing. If you explain it in the next sentence then it might work.

Welcome to the Water Cooler

MegOverman said:

I've never thought to break my first paragraph in half before. These sentences seem lonely now... But take a crack at them!

First 3:

The image was just beyond her reach. Clara lay on the overstuffed mattress all alone, sucking salt from a pumpkin seed while she gazed into her orb. She tried to keep her mind from the hour or her father.

Click to expand...

I feel like none of the 3 sentences have anything to do with the others.

jerrimander said:

I'm thirsty just reading this!
One tiny thing bugged me: fields. Were they cultivated? Were they mined? Deserted by what? People? Animals? Corn?
Certainly something to be answered at a later point. Like the fourth or fifth sentence.

Click to expand...

Glad you felt thirsty - so does the MC.

As for the fields, they are completely deserted in the truest sense of the word. No people, animals or crops. Just ash covered dirt.

Thank you very much for your comment.

SunshineonMe said:

Nice! I agree with VRanger, I'd remove "to". The second sentence is saying two very different things, maybe put a period in to separate those thoughts. I also don't like where your wrote "he thought." It seems to interrupt the flow.

You are a good writer! LOL You really are.

Click to expand...

Hi sunshineonme. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

It seems just about everyone has a problem with the "to grey" line, so maybe I need to have a serious look at that. My intention (whatever that is worth) with this piece is to make the language slightly dated, even though it is set in the present. The reason being that the world has returned to a pre-industrial age through a natural disaster.

I can't see the problem you mentioned with the second sentence. In my tiny brain, both actions are concerned with forward movement, the first being the ability, the second being the courage. Thanks for pointing that out though. Maybe someone else has the same issue with it.

Yeah the "he said" again seems to be universally disliked, including now by me. I wanted to get slightly into the head of the MC. It seems it doesn't work, thematically or structurally.

Thanks again.

Anna Spargo-Ryan said:

I like the imagery here a lot. I do think you have a few superfluous words.

I would also remove the "to", but I think that it's the word "turning" I don't like. If the ash is hanging, the world has already been turned grey (so it's no longer turning or becoming grey). "Fine ash hung blanketed the sky in grey." or something?

With the last sentence, the causality is a bit lost. Spying the carcass diminishes his spirit, making the horizon look further away, but the structure at the moment makes it sound as though these things happen at the same time. I would look at rewording that so the misery of the carcass is more apparent.

Click to expand...

Ah, the dreaded "to" again. Those two letters are under serious consideration for the gallows. Good point on the "turning". You are right that this could be read as it just happening. Originally I had something more like "making the world grey" and changed it to "turning" in the sense of perception of the world. Not sure how to get round that one. We'll see.

The causality issue with the carcass. I put it there to depress the reader. The man has seen enough of them already and I hoped to have it there simply as something for the MC to pass whilst giving a little scenery, though of course, it will have a further effect on him. If the causality seems a little lost, I hope I achieved what I wanted.

Good points and thank you for commenting. It certainly helps me to see how others see it, and that can only be a good thing.

GraemeTollins said:

The causality issue with the carcass. I put it there to depress the reader. The man has seen enough of them already and I hoped to have it there simply as something for the MC to pass whilst giving a little scenery, though of course, it will have a further effect on him. If the causality seems a little lost, I hope I achieved what I wanted.

Click to expand...

I definitely think you should keep the carcass - if anything I think you should highlight it more!

jerrimander said:

With the comments I'm getting, I'm planning on clarifying the MC' s distaste for a place she terms a shithole, and people she calls shitheads. It's clear later on, but obviously I need a better hook.

Click to expand...

I thought you expressed the MC's distaste for the place and the people in it very well. Isn't this written from the MC's POV? I like this just like it is and would read on.

OH, I see guttersquid's comment. OK. I agree with guttersquid 100% on each point.

GraemeTollins said:

Thanks. The "he thought" will be rephrased and pushed to the front of the sentence.

Thanks for reading.

Click to expand...

I really liked this. The only part I'd have complained about is the "he thought". I'd suggest taking it out altogether — if this is 3rd POV.

GraemeTollins said:

As for the fields, they are completely deserted in the truest sense of the word. No people, animals or crops. Just ash covered dirt.

Click to expand...

Them perhaps barren would be more accurate than deserted.

GraemeTollins said:

This from a recent short I'm still tinkering with. Lock and load.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The fine ash hung in the air, turning the world to grey. Samuel wiped his goggles clear with the back of his hand and willed himself on across the deserted fields. If he could reach the underground springs he might make it, he thought, but as he passed yet another emaciated carcass, the hazy horizon looked a very long way away.[/FONT]

Click to expand...

I'm a bit late to the party but I think you're getting some nice fine-grained crit here to improve your opening.

It's amazing how one tiny word can make such a fuss, isn't it? Count me in as a member of the ditch the "to" crowd. I can see how it makes the sentence a bit grander, but I'm puzzled as to why you want to achieve that effect. The grey ash = a downer in my mind.

Agree with Anna that "turning" should go. The difference in meaning is subtle, and besides that, "turning to" is such a common way of saying something it's meaning actually becomes lost in the sentence. It doesn't stand out enough. A word like "blanketed" is fresher, more concrete and vivid, but doesn't call attention to itself in an overly-written way.

I think you should rearrange the third sentence so the carcass comes last. It would put more emphasis on it. "He thought" is distracting and unnecessary too.

Other than that, I agree with guttersquid. The meaning of "barren" fits much better than "deserted."

BTW, this is nice, and I'd read on. Thanks for sharing and allowing us to sharpen our shootin' & crittin' teeth.