Bisexual People and Relationships

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BenPanced

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I'm currently working on something (not sure what I'll do with it, but it needs to get writ! :e2BIC:) and one of the characters is bisexual. During the course of the story, he feels he has more fulfilling relationships with men and tells another character he's more gay-identified now. Is that a good way of describing it? I really don't want to make it sound like "well, I've finally made up my mind and decided which team I want to play on" or he's had one bad break-up too many and swears off women out of spite.
 

Little Ming

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I'm currently working on something (not sure what I'll do with it, but it needs to get writ! :e2BIC:) and one of the characters is bisexual. During the course of the story, he feels he has more fulfilling relationships with men and tells another character he's more gay-identified now. Is that a good way of describing it? I really don't want to make it sound like "well, I've finally made up my mind and decided which team I want to play on" or he's had one bad break-up too many and swears off women out of spite.

Being bi doesn't mean there has to be a 50/50 split. Some people are more attracted to one gender and/or sex over the other. And sometimes you just happen meet more people from one gender and/or sex that you are attracted to. It wouldn't be a big deal for me if your character just happened to have more positive relationships with men, for whatever reason.

As to the "which team does he plan on," it depends. I do know some people who jokingly say they're switching teams, sometimes weekly or monthly. :tongue But that's because we know each other and we like to make fun of the stereotypes.

If you're talking about seriously saying he's identifying as gay now... that's a little tricky. First, I think people (and characters) should be able to identify as whatever they want, so if he wants to ID as gay, then he's gay. OTOH, I understand you're trying to avoid the "bi people are just confused/need to choose a sexuality/stop being greedy" stereotype.

So. If he does "choose a side," try to make it clear that this is about his character, his decision, his identity, and not bi people in general. Not all bi characters have to represent all bi people.

Long and rambling, and hopefully somewhat useful. :D
 

AndreF

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I had this conversation recently with someone on another site and they explained some things to me that made everything seem clear. Here's a quote that might help you. This from a woman who is bisexual and married to a man. Here's what she said as she was telling me a very powerful story.

It's their personalities and the way they treated me that made me fall in love with both of them
She dated her girlfriend for years they broke up and she found her husband. She went to say that she knew her husband was the one. Her girlfriend loved more than anyone at that time and the love she and her husband have for another is stronger than the one she had with girlfriend.

Her conversation really help me understand what it meant to be a bisexual. When I turn on the TV they make seem that being BI is just some whore looking for kicks when that's not the case. So her experience helped me get a bi sexual character to appear realistic instead of the crap you see in the media.

Do you understand? Maybe you MC like the lady that told me the story can just be into people period. But the personalities of a person win him over. If happens to be a man its a man. If happens to be a woman then it will be a woman.

Hope it helps.
 
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BenPanced

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Both of you have given me some perspective and things to think about. Again, I want it to reflect one man's experience and how he feels. Thanks!
 

KateW

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I am pansexual/polysexual. Which means more or less I am attracted to who they are not what they are.

I think Little Ming & AndreF have both given good points.

I have had relationships with men, women, transgenders and everything in between. I have even had a semi relationship with a gay guy (don't even try asking me how that works, it hurts my brain)

What I found is I had periods where I would swear off a certain gender or type because of a failed relationship. "I hate blondes" or "I'll never date women again" lol, etc.

I also am more comfortable with men simply because I grew up with guys, know how they think and my natural flirting instincts work with them. With other genders I am unsure, so those relationships fell in place almost accidently, they were just natural extensions of other relationships (friendship, acquaintances etc) but that does not mean I loved them any less. Actually my two most meaningful relationships before my current were with a women I lived with for a brief period, and a transgender person I fell head over heels for. I am just simply a little more awkward/shy in those relationships.

I am now married to a man, but it could of happened that I ended up in a relationship with anyone.

I suppose I have said things along the lines of "I identify more as straight/gay/ etc at this moment" but have still checked out people outside those genders.

I think really it would be more of a "I'm having a more fulfilling relationship with this person right now" and it may happen that the next relationship is with that gender too. But its not really something I think about.

I've probably just confused you more :Shrug:
 

Anninyn

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The best description of bisexuality I've seen is 'I am attracted to multiple genders, not necessarily in the same way or to the same degree' which is definitely where I sit.

The thing is, I have mostly had relationships with men. That's more situational than by choice - and I wouldn't describe myself as straight or straight-orientated. I am still Bi, even if I'm in a mixed-gender relationship.
 

lexxi

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Or bisexual and celibate, by choice or by circumstance
 

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For me, it's particular types that I am attracted to--a particular set of characteristics that seem to be overrepresented in the people I find myself interested in. Being attracted to one man (or woman) doesn't necessarily make you attracted to all men (or women)--I know, sounds obvious. It's just that you're attracted to who you're attracted to, and percentages don't really come into it. If your MC was airdropped onto an island populated by women who match the type of women he's attracted to, that percentage paradigm would shift.

I guess what I'm saying (in a rather confused and rambling manner) is that your character might be currently strongly attracted to a male (or a few males), but if he's bisexual, that could shift. It has more to do with who he connects with more strongly--emotionally, sexually, intellectually, etc.

Have you thought about why your MC thinks he's more attracted to males? Is it physical or sexual? Is it an emotional connection he finds with men but doesn't find as often with women? Is it something else entirely?
 

Wilde_at_heart

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I think really it would be more of a "I'm having a more fulfilling relationship with this person right now"...

That's it, really.

Even straight people are still selective - they aren't attracted to every single member of the opposite sex by a long shot and some are very picky.

Some people have this perception of bi people being sex-fiends who'll hump anything that moves and while some people I've known will, others still have very high standards. It's just that gender is less important when it comes to traits they are looking for than other things are.
 

BenPanced

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Have you thought about why your MC thinks he's more attracted to males? Is it physical or sexual? Is it an emotional connection he finds with men but doesn't find as often with women? Is it something else entirely?
The work still in its early stages, but I was thinking he would later clarify he has more of an emotional connection with men. That was one thing some people mentioned upthread that in their experience, it's the emotional that's drawn them to their partner. I'm trying to stay away/downplay the sexual/physical interest and make it more about a deeper connection.
 

Corinne Duyvis

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When I was a teenager I sort of knew I was bi, but identified as a lesbian because I was overwhelmingly more attracted to girls than to boys. That sort of "evened out" over the years. But I still go through phases--sometimes I like girls better, sometimes boys, etc. I think everyone has that.

I may be in the minority, but I dislike the "I just like people" idea of bi-ness.
It may work for some individuals but I don't think it's a good description of the general concept of bisexuality. It somehow divorces the entire concept from sex and gender, when that still plays a part for many people. Several bi folk I know, me included, are attracted to different things traits in men than women. You can like the person AND their sex AND their gender.

I mean ... my being bisexual feels more like having extra options. That's it. It's not that complex.

To get back to the OP--this is tricky and I see why you're concerned. You've gotten some good advice. It does sound like maybe he's homoromantic? And if you're concerned about making it sound like he's now "decided" you can always emphasize, for example, that his previous relationships with women still mean a lot to him, that he's open to dating women in the future, that he's still attracted to some women but just to a lesser degree than men right now ... or you can have other bisexual characters present to provide different experiences/PoVs? Just throwing options out there.

Honestly, just the fact that you're aware of the potential implications will probably go a long way.
 

BenPanced

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Thanks again to everybody for your suggestions and advice. You've given me a lot to think about but please keep those cards and letters coming.
 

Anna_Hedley

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I'm bisexual with a strong preference for women, but my partner is a man. He's just who I happened to fall in love with. The attraction to women still remains, although completely unacted upon since we're in a monogamous relationship.

As all as you're writing with the awareness that there are certain stereotypes about bisexuals, which it seems you are, then you should be fine.

This is purely anecdotal but I'm quiet, reserved, and quite prudish in real real life. People are generally shocked when they find out I'm bisexual. My flatmate, who's more extroverted and much more open about sexual experiences, can tell people and they won't even blink. She fits more comfortably into some of the stereotypes (although she certainly isn't, she's just her, and happens to be bi as well), so some people find it easier to accept.
 

Chasing the Horizon

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I've now been with two men who were bisexual but hetero-romantic (however you spell that), so I don't think it's that unusual for sexuality and romantic interest not to be identical. It's not "picking a team" because the person in question never played for that team romantically in the first place. Of course, both sexuality and romantic inclinations can change and evolve over time and people shouldn't have to justify the way they identify or changing how they identify. Since you're so aware of the issues, I seriously doubt you're going to fall into any offensive pits with your story.

I'm personally biromantic of the persuasion who is attracted to the exact same traits regardless of physical sex or gender (as evidenced by my having had a girlfriend who was mentally and emotionally identical to a previous ex-boyfriend ... and is predictably now an ex for the same reason he is, lol). Though the physical traits that I find attractive are almost exact opposites for men and women.
 

J.S.F.

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Can I ask a question? I hope no one will be offended. As a straight guy, I read that those who are bisexual and identify as such tend to gravitate (for lack of a better word) toward the homosexual side of things as they age. I'm not sure about this, though, so I thought I'd ask, as I'm doing preliminary research for a novel and one of the characters in it is bisexual and I'd hate to screw up her character.

Please understand I'm not judging anyone as to what they do in the bedroom or who they do it with. I'm just curious as to what the take is from those who identify as being bisexual.
 

amergina

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I've been attracted to both women and men for as long as I can remember. The first full blown crush I ever had was on girl--a senior in high school (I was a sophomore).

Until recently, I never dated a women. But I dated lots of guys. Even in high school, even with the crush.

It's not so much that I am now gravitating toward the same sex since I'm older but more that I am don't give a flying fuck what people think now that I'm older--and the world has changed enough that I don't *have* to give as much of a flying fuck about it.

I still am *very* fond of men. Just happened to meet a woman I was attracted to and decided that it was about damn time I actually said something. Worked out so far.
 

Anna_Hedley

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Can I ask a question? I hope no one will be offended. As a straight guy, I read that those who are bisexual and identify as such tend to gravitate (for lack of a better word) toward the homosexual side of things as they age. I'm not sure about this, though, so I thought I'd ask, as I'm doing preliminary research for a novel and one of the characters in it is bisexual and I'd hate to screw up her character.

Please understand I'm not judging anyone as to what they do in the bedroom or who they do it with. I'm just curious as to what the take is from those who identify as being bisexual.

I don't think it is the case that bisexual people gravitate to same-sex partners as they get older. Some might, obviously, but that sounds like a very iffy theory to me.

There's no one pattern of behaviour for bisexual people. Like any sub-section of the population, they're individuals with individual traits and experiences. Also, I know you don't mean it in that way but when writing be wary of describing a bisexual's sexuality as homosexual or heterosexual. They are always bisexual, they don't become gay or straight depending on who they're with.
 

J.S.F.

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I don't think it is the case that bisexual people gravitate to same-sex partners as they get older. Some might, obviously, but that sounds like a very iffy theory to me.

There's no one pattern of behaviour for bisexual people. Like any sub-section of the population, they're individuals with individual traits and experiences. Also, I know you don't mean it in that way but when writing be wary of describing a bisexual's sexuality as homosexual or heterosexual. They are always bisexual, they don't become gay or straight depending on who they're with.

---

Okay, thanks for the information. This 'gravitation' was something I wasn't sure of. As for describing them as being this or that, again, thank you. I'll keep that in mind.
 

Anna_Hedley

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J.S.F. Just to make sure, I have a hard time with tone on the internet and just reread my post. It occured to me that it might have came across as a bit snotty. I didn't mean that to be scolding or anything, and certainly don't think negatively of you for asking questions.
 

J.S.F.

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J.S.F. Just to make sure, I have a hard time with tone on the internet and just reread my post. It occured to me that it might have came across as a bit snotty. I didn't mean that to be scolding or anything, and certainly don't think negatively of you for asking questions.

---

No problem. It can be hard to read someone's tone and intent, but I didn't take your post to be snotty at all. I realize that I made a mistake in the terminology I used and that was not my intention. Thanks again for correcting me.
 

Hapax Legomenon

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I may be in the minority, but I dislike the "I just like people" idea of bi-ness.
It may work for some individuals but I don't think it's a good description of the general concept of bisexuality. It somehow divorces the entire concept from sex and gender, when that still plays a part for many people. Several bi folk I know, me included, are attracted to different things traits in men than women. You can like the person AND their sex AND their gender.

I mean ... my being bisexual feels more like having extra options. That's it. It's not that complex.

Exactly this for me as well. I know a lot of people have "types". Well, I have "types" -- it's just that some of my types are one gender and some types another. I'm definitely not attracted to everyone I meet and what I might find attractive in a woman I probably won't find attractive in a man, etc.
 

Wilde_at_heart

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I'm the opposite and tend to find the same things attractive in both. Though as a teen I was also drawn to the more androgynous celebrities (David Bowie, Daniel Ash, David Sylvian, Nick Rhodes, etc.)

There's no one pattern of behaviour for bisexual people. Like any sub-section of the population, they're individuals with individual traits and experiences. Also, I know you don't mean it in that way but when writing be wary of describing a bisexual's sexuality as homosexual or heterosexual. They are always bisexual, they don't become gay or straight depending on who they're with.

This.

One of my oldest friends is 'bi' and while she mostly prefers men and was married to a man for a while (and is single for the time being), when she was in her early twenties she was madly in love with another bi woman, who is also currently married to a man.

It's all over the place. I've also known a few with very generous partners who've explored polyamory to an extent to where her getting with a man would be 'cheating' but with a woman it's 'exploring that side', while for those in monogamous relationships, either would be considered cheating.

Then there are those who eschew 'labels' altogether (and not because they're being an immature, non-committal jerk) since what attracts one person to another has a certain mystique that can't be explained sometimes.
 
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Anninyn

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Can I ask a question? I hope no one will be offended. As a straight guy, I read that those who are bisexual and identify as such tend to gravitate (for lack of a better word) toward the homosexual side of things as they age. I'm not sure about this, though, so I thought I'd ask, as I'm doing preliminary research for a novel and one of the characters in it is bisexual and I'd hate to screw up her character.

Please understand I'm not judging anyone as to what they do in the bedroom or who they do it with. I'm just curious as to what the take is from those who identify as being bisexual.

Not so much that you gravitate, but that as you get older (if you are not poly) you're more likely to end up in a long-term monogamous relationship. You're still bi, because sexuality is desire, not action.

I have been with my husband for 11 years, but I am still bisexual. The idea that bisexual people become gay or straight with time comes from common misunderstandings.

In fact, it is interesting to note that most people who identify as bi still identify as bi ten or twenty years later, and have been joined by a small percentage of people who exclusively id'd as straight or gay. But then, identification is fluid, and life is a discovery. We all constantly discover things about ourselves and our sexualities we didn't know.

There's a lot of books out there about bisexuality, about what it means and how it's treated in both straight and gay communities (shittily, mostly) and it might be worth checking some out.

I have a goodreads list here.
 
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