I'm trapped in logic problem, and after spending a month trying to wrangle my way out of it, I think need some help.
And sometimes, just writing it out helps.
It's my opening chapter. Rest of the book is fine - written, working great. Done. Just the damn opening is giving me trouble, again.
So I've got a young vigilante, Kay, as the main character. Here's the basic outline of the problem for this modern day Psych Thriller:
Bad guy, Derek, wants to capture Kay. He knows she has superior tech, but he doesn't know what it is. We do -- it's a quantum computer that can read bio-metrics (people) and electronics within 300 feet, in the form of a wearable crystal necklace. He just knows the four vigilante sisters are damned hard to sneak up on.
So he set a trap. Lured her to Al Fashir, Sudan, where this chapter opens. The only reason it opens in Al Fashir in particular is because I needed a setting where Derek could set off an EMP in a populated area, but not so populated as the United States (the majority of the novel takes place all over Europe). The EMP knocks out Kay's crystal, and he shots her with a tranq dart at the same time, neatly capturing an otherwise very elusive vigilante teenager.
Here's where I start to have problems.
What brought her to Al Fashir? What was the trap? So far, I've been going with human trafficking, since it ties in nicely with the whole "girl in captivity" theme that's the rest of the novel. I have this neat little storyline about a young woman back in New York, who asked the vigilantes for help rescuing her younger sister, Natari, back in Sudan. Natari disappeared from her village, caught in the same human trafficking network that the vigilantes had previously busted in New York City (all of which is lightly implied, not stated in the first chapter).
So the Al Fashir scene I keep trying to write has Natari in a courtyard with Kay's target, Riyad, the leader of the human trafficking ring. Riyad's meeting a guest/buyer, and Natari's in the courtyard to serve drinks and essentially serve as an unwilling example of the goods.
Here's where I've been smacking my head against the desk all week.
In order for Kay to get darted, she can't be watching this scene from a hiding spot. She needs to be visible. So there goes the "behind a fountain/tree in the courtyard" plan right? This puts Kay on a roof. But if she's trying not to be seen by the guys in the courtyard, how's she going to be seen and be close enough to be darted by Derek or his men? Keep in mind, she can "see" them sneak up on her through the crystal, so they've got to be out in the open too. She needs to be surprised, so to speak.
I can't figure out where to put her, and since the scene is her POV (first person, too), it matters.
I thought, okay, why hide? Walk right into that courtyard. Pretend to be a buyer (yes, she's a girl, and white, and young, but she could pull it off). Whenever I start doing that, though, the scene derails into this very strong implication that Riyad is the one darting her and capturing her. I don't want to give this false impression that the novel is about human trafficking. Ironically, while the captivity plot is THE main plot, it's a thriller with deadly viruses and terrorists and some very determined sisters out to find their missing twin.
The scene that keeps trying to write itself is coming out like the below example, where there's this damn strong implication that Kay's standing there with Natari, not lurking on rooftop or behind a tree somewhere.
-----
I look at the girl, but she stares only at the sand. If she saw my eyes, she'd know I was here to steal her back from the well-dressed Sudanese men surrounding us [her]. Or perhaps she'd just see another girl--another victim.
I'm no victim.
“This one's fresh from the village,” says Raoul Riyad, the man I followed from New York City. He pulls the girl forward by her slender wrist, then shoves her to her knees on the hot sand of the courtyard. “She’s called White Orchid, for her purity.”
I narrow my eyes, but stay silent.
Her name is Natari, and her sister sent me to bring her home.
Riyad runs the back of his hand down Natari’s cheek, then turns his attention to the small crowd of international buyers, and to me.
-----
Despite that scene's strong desire to keep going, it just doesn't end well. If she's standing there WITH the girl and gets darted, the implication that the slave traders did it is too strong. And Riyad isn't going to let this tempting 17 year old morsel go without at least trying to capture her himself, even if she's there representing another buyer.
I was planning on this scene introducing Kay, showing a "moment in the life of a vigilante", right up to her getting darted. Then I was going to flip over to the sisters in New York City for a minute, then back to Al Fashir in Derek's POV, as he comes to pick up his prize from the hot sand. (No need to start a discussion on POV switching -- all due consideration has gone into novel format and style).
And I keep tearing it apart in my head, because the little movie scenes I see just aren't working. If she's hiding, she can't get darted.
If it's nighttime, she doesn't need to hide, but can Derek's men really shoot a tranq dart that accurately at night? Are there lights in this courtyard? Am I scene shifting to somewhere else entirely?
I tried doing this in a bazaar. In a bookstore. In a warehouse with a dogfight going on. And I keep getting stuck on the "visible enough to get darted, but not so visible as to interfere with Riyad" problem.
All I really need is Kay in Al Fashir, doing something vigilante-like. And I only need her in Al Fashir because the ripples of an EMP in the United States are more than I can address in the novel -- but the ripples of setting off an EMP in Al Fashir play nicely into later motivation for MI6 to get involved with one of the other sisters and their search for the organization that did this.
And, of course, because all that is already written, and it works really well. I'm not adverse to tearing it all apart to match a good opening chapter, mind you. It's just that the scene and the people in the opening chapter don't end up mattering to the rest of the plot (except in little ripples, where her sisters end up freeing Natari, for example). But it doesn't matter to Kay, and she's the story.
Last draft, I just skipped the whole capture scene, and started with her in captivity, where the plot begins. But damned if beta feedback isn't pretty resounding that I started too late, vs too early. But somehow, it still feels a little pointless to do a whole capture scene with these slave traders and the girl, when I know none of them matter to what happens to Kay.
Which is probably why I'm having trouble with the damn scene.
Talk me off the ledge, please. Help me tear the scene apart, or start somewhere else, or send me off to Iceland instead, or send her after a bioweapon instead... My head's trapped in circles, and needs a good Thawack.
Thawacking appreciated, and preemptively thanked!
~ Anna
And sometimes, just writing it out helps.
It's my opening chapter. Rest of the book is fine - written, working great. Done. Just the damn opening is giving me trouble, again.
So I've got a young vigilante, Kay, as the main character. Here's the basic outline of the problem for this modern day Psych Thriller:
Bad guy, Derek, wants to capture Kay. He knows she has superior tech, but he doesn't know what it is. We do -- it's a quantum computer that can read bio-metrics (people) and electronics within 300 feet, in the form of a wearable crystal necklace. He just knows the four vigilante sisters are damned hard to sneak up on.
So he set a trap. Lured her to Al Fashir, Sudan, where this chapter opens. The only reason it opens in Al Fashir in particular is because I needed a setting where Derek could set off an EMP in a populated area, but not so populated as the United States (the majority of the novel takes place all over Europe). The EMP knocks out Kay's crystal, and he shots her with a tranq dart at the same time, neatly capturing an otherwise very elusive vigilante teenager.
Here's where I start to have problems.
What brought her to Al Fashir? What was the trap? So far, I've been going with human trafficking, since it ties in nicely with the whole "girl in captivity" theme that's the rest of the novel. I have this neat little storyline about a young woman back in New York, who asked the vigilantes for help rescuing her younger sister, Natari, back in Sudan. Natari disappeared from her village, caught in the same human trafficking network that the vigilantes had previously busted in New York City (all of which is lightly implied, not stated in the first chapter).
So the Al Fashir scene I keep trying to write has Natari in a courtyard with Kay's target, Riyad, the leader of the human trafficking ring. Riyad's meeting a guest/buyer, and Natari's in the courtyard to serve drinks and essentially serve as an unwilling example of the goods.
Here's where I've been smacking my head against the desk all week.
In order for Kay to get darted, she can't be watching this scene from a hiding spot. She needs to be visible. So there goes the "behind a fountain/tree in the courtyard" plan right? This puts Kay on a roof. But if she's trying not to be seen by the guys in the courtyard, how's she going to be seen and be close enough to be darted by Derek or his men? Keep in mind, she can "see" them sneak up on her through the crystal, so they've got to be out in the open too. She needs to be surprised, so to speak.
I can't figure out where to put her, and since the scene is her POV (first person, too), it matters.
I thought, okay, why hide? Walk right into that courtyard. Pretend to be a buyer (yes, she's a girl, and white, and young, but she could pull it off). Whenever I start doing that, though, the scene derails into this very strong implication that Riyad is the one darting her and capturing her. I don't want to give this false impression that the novel is about human trafficking. Ironically, while the captivity plot is THE main plot, it's a thriller with deadly viruses and terrorists and some very determined sisters out to find their missing twin.
The scene that keeps trying to write itself is coming out like the below example, where there's this damn strong implication that Kay's standing there with Natari, not lurking on rooftop or behind a tree somewhere.
-----
I look at the girl, but she stares only at the sand. If she saw my eyes, she'd know I was here to steal her back from the well-dressed Sudanese men surrounding us [her]. Or perhaps she'd just see another girl--another victim.
I'm no victim.
“This one's fresh from the village,” says Raoul Riyad, the man I followed from New York City. He pulls the girl forward by her slender wrist, then shoves her to her knees on the hot sand of the courtyard. “She’s called White Orchid, for her purity.”
I narrow my eyes, but stay silent.
Her name is Natari, and her sister sent me to bring her home.
Riyad runs the back of his hand down Natari’s cheek, then turns his attention to the small crowd of international buyers, and to me.
-----
Despite that scene's strong desire to keep going, it just doesn't end well. If she's standing there WITH the girl and gets darted, the implication that the slave traders did it is too strong. And Riyad isn't going to let this tempting 17 year old morsel go without at least trying to capture her himself, even if she's there representing another buyer.
I was planning on this scene introducing Kay, showing a "moment in the life of a vigilante", right up to her getting darted. Then I was going to flip over to the sisters in New York City for a minute, then back to Al Fashir in Derek's POV, as he comes to pick up his prize from the hot sand. (No need to start a discussion on POV switching -- all due consideration has gone into novel format and style).
And I keep tearing it apart in my head, because the little movie scenes I see just aren't working. If she's hiding, she can't get darted.
If it's nighttime, she doesn't need to hide, but can Derek's men really shoot a tranq dart that accurately at night? Are there lights in this courtyard? Am I scene shifting to somewhere else entirely?
I tried doing this in a bazaar. In a bookstore. In a warehouse with a dogfight going on. And I keep getting stuck on the "visible enough to get darted, but not so visible as to interfere with Riyad" problem.
All I really need is Kay in Al Fashir, doing something vigilante-like. And I only need her in Al Fashir because the ripples of an EMP in the United States are more than I can address in the novel -- but the ripples of setting off an EMP in Al Fashir play nicely into later motivation for MI6 to get involved with one of the other sisters and their search for the organization that did this.
And, of course, because all that is already written, and it works really well. I'm not adverse to tearing it all apart to match a good opening chapter, mind you. It's just that the scene and the people in the opening chapter don't end up mattering to the rest of the plot (except in little ripples, where her sisters end up freeing Natari, for example). But it doesn't matter to Kay, and she's the story.
Last draft, I just skipped the whole capture scene, and started with her in captivity, where the plot begins. But damned if beta feedback isn't pretty resounding that I started too late, vs too early. But somehow, it still feels a little pointless to do a whole capture scene with these slave traders and the girl, when I know none of them matter to what happens to Kay.
Which is probably why I'm having trouble with the damn scene.
Talk me off the ledge, please. Help me tear the scene apart, or start somewhere else, or send me off to Iceland instead, or send her after a bioweapon instead... My head's trapped in circles, and needs a good Thawack.
Thawacking appreciated, and preemptively thanked!
~ Anna
