[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

wotcherH

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Aholm, Locke pretty much covered every issue I had with your second sentence. I think the re-write is good, but its lacking the image/emotion that came to my mind when I read this:
A thin smile crossed his face as he remembered that today he was known as Rasmus.

Anyway, here's mine:

Terona tried to ignore the nebulous figure on the edge of her vision, lingering to make certain that she carried out her duties. She stitched closed the long gash on her patient’s arm and—due to her dwindling supplies—didn’t have a choice but to use her teeth to cut the colourless thread.

“Why are you sad, girl?” Isreh asked, forgetting his manners.

[For context, the next sentence states that Isreh is Terona's brother, and the sentence after that shows that Isreh's question was directed at the patient]
 

Locke

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^ Regarding the emotional punch, I completely agree.

Terona tried to ignore the nebulous figure on the edge of her vision, lingering to make certain that she carried out her duties.

...observing her like a watchmaker might supervise the turning of cogs.

Or something similar, tuned to whatever tone you want to convey there. I'm getting an Orwellian vibe off of that, so that's the direction I went, but it's an opportunity to deliver a stronger voice.

So, here's something that just fell out of my head:

Simon stepped out of his machine on what he hoped was at least Tuesday. Having departed the following Friday, the previous Tuesday — or, as it were, today, if he were at all lucky — didn't seem like that far, but assumptions were incredibly dangerous. So, he did what every person in the modern world would do to check the time: he looked at his cellphone.
 
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Abderian

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Aholm, Locke pretty much covered every issue I had with your second sentence. I think the re-write is good, but its lacking the image/emotion that came to my mind when I read this:


Anyway, here's mine:

Terona tried to ignore the nebulous figure on the edge of her vision, lingering to make certain that she carried out her duties. She stitched closed the long gash on her patient’s arm and—due to her dwindling supplies—didn’t have a choice but to use her teeth to cut the colourless thread.

“Why are you sad, girl?” Isreh asked, forgetting his manners.

[For context, the next sentence states that Isreh is Terona's brother, and the sentence after that shows that Isreh's question was directed at the patient]

I liked this, but I think you can edit the second sentence to 'She stitched closed the long gash on her patient’s arm and—due to her dwindling supplies—didn’t have a choice but to used her teeth to cut the colourless thread.'

Also, is the lingering figure Isreh? If not, there are four characters introduced in the first four sentences - Terona, lingering figure, Isreh and the patient - which I think may be excessive.
 

wotcherH

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...observing her like a watchmaker might supervise the turning of cogs.

I like this quite a lot, actually. I'll change it and try to do something similar. Thanks!

I liked this, but I think you can edit the second sentence to 'She stitched closed the long gash on her patient’s arm and—due to her dwindling supplies—didn’t have a choice but to used her teeth to cut the colourless thread.'

Also, is the lingering figure Isreh? If not, there are four characters introduced in the first four sentences - Terona, lingering figure, Isreh and the patient - which I think may be excessive.

Thanks for the edit, I knew there was something I could probably cut from that sentence. & The lingering figure isn't Isreh. Huh, I never noticed that I introduced so many characters at once--you are quite right. I'll need to go back and fix this a bit, then. Thanks for catching that! :)


Simon stepped out of his machine on what he hoped was at least Tuesday. Having departed the following Friday, the previous Tuesday — or, as it were, today, if he were at all lucky — didn't seem like that far, but assumptions were incredibly dangerous. So, he did what every person in the modern world would do to check the time: he looked at his cellphone.
Great first sentence, it intrigued me right away. I honestly can't think of anything to edit out or change, I like it perfectly the way it is, and I would keep reading. :)
 

slingerland

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Good afternoon! Here are the opening sentences from my short "Widow's Pension." Thank you very much for your comments!

“Eli William Horn was born April 1, 1856, called to heaven on October 3, 1889…”
I refused to listen to Preacher speak the eulogy for my son, so I looked down the row of graves of my family instead: Mary Horn, died at age 2 of whooping cough; Julia Horn, died at age 15 of smallpox; Rebecca Gillespie, died at age 29 of yellow fever. My daughters, my beautiful girls, buried next to the empty grave where my husband Bythel should be, 'cept the Army never found his body. And now Eli, my only son, my first child to live and my last child alive was gone, joining his sisters in the ground.
 

wotcherH

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Good afternoon! Here are the opening sentences from my short "Widow's Pension." Thank you very much for your comments!

“Eli William Horn was born April 1, 1856, called to heaven on October 3, 1889…”
I refused to listen to Preacher speak the eulogy for my son, so I looked down the row of graves of my family instead: Mary Horn, died at age 2 of whooping cough; Julia Horn, died at age 15 of smallpox; Rebecca Gillespie, died at age 29 of yellow fever. My daughters, my beautiful girls, buried next to the empty grave where my husband Bythel should be, 'cept the Army never found his body. And now Eli, my only son, my first child to live and my last child alive was gone, joining his sisters in the ground.

This one was really sad. I have to be honest, though, that it wasn't really that intriguing until I read the final line. I didn't really care about what I was reading at all, and I would only be interested to keep reading in order to find out why the MC's entire family is dead.

I'm not sure that this beginning is strong enough to make most readers want to keep going, though.
 

Bennings

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Clark woke up.

He pushed himself to his feet, and saw nothing but an endless expanse of snow, some mountains stretching above the clouds on the horizon. The sky was a dull grey, the moon (at least, it looked a lot like the moon)’s crescent faintly visible.
 

slingerland

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This one was really sad. I have to be honest, though, that it wasn't really that intriguing until I read the final line. I didn't really care about what I was reading at all, and I would only be interested to keep reading in order to find out why the MC's entire family is dead.

I'm not sure that this beginning is strong enough to make most readers want to keep going, though.

How about this:

“Eli William Horn was born April 1, 1856, called to heaven on October 3, 1889…”
I turned my head and refused to listen to Preacher speak the eulogy for my son. Eli, my only son, my first child to live and my last child alive was gone, joining his sisters in the ground: Mary Horn, died at age 2 of whooping cough; Julia Horn, died at age 15 of smallpox; Rebecca Gillespie, died at age 29 of yellow fever. My beautiful children, all gone now, buried next to the empty grave where my husband Bythel should be, 'cept the Army never found his body.
 

filwi

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Good afternoon! Here are the opening sentences from my short "Widow's Pension." Thank you very much for your comments!

“Eli William Horn was born April 1, 1856, called to heaven on October 3, 1889…”
I refused to listen to Preacher speak the eulogy for my son, so I looked down the row of graves of my family instead: Mary Horn, died at age 2 of whooping cough; Julia Horn, died at age 15 of smallpox; Rebecca Gillespie, died at age 29 of yellow fever. My daughters, my beautiful girls, buried next to the empty grave where my husband Bythel should be, 'cept the Army never found his body. And now Eli, my only son, my first child to live and my last child alive was gone, joining his sisters in the ground.


I would remove the first sentence and start with the conflict (refusing to listen). Then I'd skip the names and ages and go strong on the MC's problem (the loneliness aspect):

I turned my head and refused to listen to the Preacher speak the eulogy for my son, joining his sisters in the ground. My beautiful children, all gone now, buried next to the empty grave where my husband Bythel should be, 'cept the Army never found his body.
I really liked the first to live, last alive but it read too complex for the start of a story - it threw me out of the emotional loop and forced me to think, which wasn't worth the effort for me as I hadn't built up any sort of rapport with the MC or story yet.

Good start premise!
 
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Cavetraveller

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Slingerland, I liked your last sentence. Very hooky and intriguing, but the list of reason for death in the second sentence would have put me off and I might not have read that far.

I am not totally certain if I am allowed to contribute here with my own three sentences, because I am a newbie with only about 10 posts to my name. Can a moderator pass judgement please?
 

wotcherH

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Slingerland, I like it. The edits definitely made it stronger and more to the point, and it certainly flows better.

Bennings, I like this--it painted a clear image in my mind. Still, the character-waking-up beginning is kind of cliche. The last sentence needs work around where the moon description is (it seems like the brackets are unnecessary). Maybe change to something like this: "The sky was a dull grey, and what looked like the moon's crescent, faintly visible."

Cavetraveller, that's a good question--one I'm not entirely sure the answer to. Hopefully a mod will see this. *crosses fingers*
 

ajaye

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Ooh I like this thread. Here's the opening from a short I'm working on.

Madelaine works at the Post Office, selling stamps and padded envelopes and goodness knows what else. If you stand near the exit, where the postcode and telephone books have been replaced by sleeping bags and teapots, you will hear people say how attractive the Customer Service Officer would be if she wasn’t so fat. Unfortunately the Customer Service Officer’s counter is close enough to the exit for Madelaine to also hear every single word.
 

ajaye

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Cavetraveller I'm not a mod but am pretty sure the 50 post rule for SYW doesn't apply to this thread.
 

guttersquid

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Madelaine works at the Post Office, selling stamps and padded envelopes and goodness knows what else. If you stand near the exit, where the postcode and telephone books have been replaced by sleeping bags and teapots, you will hear people say how attractive the Customer Service Officer would be if she wasn't so fat. Unfortunately the Customer Service Officer’s counter is close enough to the exit for Madelaine to also hear every single word.

I had to read this a few times before I understood what you meant. My confusion was that I wasn't sure if Madelaine is the CSO or someone else who hears the people talking about the CSO. You could solve this by telling us in the first sentence. Also, saying that she works at the post office and then telling us what she does is redundant. And "Customer service Officer" is quite a mouthful to be used twice so close together. Try using Madelaine's name instead. Something like:

Madelaine is the Customer Service Officer at the post office. If you stand near the exit, where the postcode and telephone books have been replaced by sleeping bags and teapots, you will hear people say how attractive Madelaine would be if she weren't so fat. Unfortunately, the Customer Service counter is close enough to the exit for Madelaine to hear every single word.

And
1) Post office should not be capitalized (might be different in Aus.). In the U.S., post office is not capitalized unless it's a specific location, and even then not if it's proceeded by "the." Ex: "Take the letter to the Elm Street Post Office." "Take the letter to the post office on Elm Street."
2) Pretty sure "wasn't" should be "weren't" here. I think it's the subjunctive in this case.
 
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ajaye

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Lots of good points there guttersquid. I'm not sure about post office being capitalised here, but I suppose now that it's called Australia Post no, it probably shouldn't be. I'll keep tinkering. Thank you :)
 

CWHs2

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Ooh I like this thread. Here's the opening from a short I'm working on.

Madelaine works at the Post Office, selling stamps and padded envelopes and goodness knows what else redundant. If you stand near the exit, where the postcode and telephone books have been replaced by sleeping bags and teapots (is this a shelter near the exit of the post office?), you will hear people (who are these random "people" hanging out in a post office, snuggling in sleeping bags and drinking tea??) say how attractive the Customer Service Officer would be if she wasn’t so fat (fyi, fat does not mean unattractive). Unfortunately the Customer Service Officer’s (repetitive) counter is close enough to the exit for Madelaine to also hear every single word.

This as a fair start and I would read on just to see how Madelaine deals with the rude comments, but I think you could tighten it up a bit and give each sentence more of a punch to really hook the reader.
 

ajaye

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Thanks CWHs2, I can see I haven't been anywhere near clear enough here, I shall keep working on it. I totally agree that fat isn't unattractive, that's what I'm trying to show in the story.
 

Euphoric Mania

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These are the first three of one of my super short stories. Granted, I don't see them getting much longer, but I thought it'd be interesting to try it. :) This is an old one, from 2007, called "Feline Rain":

"Mrow?"

"Scat cat."

The stray took a few steps and looked up at her with soulful green eyes.
 

Taylor Harbin

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These are the first three of one of my super short stories. Granted, I don't see them getting much longer, but I thought it'd be interesting to try it. :) This is an old one, from 2007, called "Feline Rain":

"Mrow?" I think there needs to be action here. A cat meowing isn't reason enough for most people to shoo it away. Maybe it's up in the character's space?

"Scat, cat." Who's speaking?

The stray took a few steps and looked up at her with soulful green eyes.

I like the last sentence, but I'd advise building it up more.
 

Taylor Harbin

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Here's mine:

"Harun Jabril reached out and stroked the budding flower with his hand. He smiled, having found the first hidden sign that spring was coming. As an ape whose family hailed from the humid jungles of the deep south, he was unaccustomed to seeing the seasons change with such poise and splendor."
 

Bing Z

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"Harun Jabril reached out and stroked the budding flower <name the flower, reason below> with his hand <what else would he stroke with?>. He smiled, having found the first hidden sign <see below> that spring was coming. As an ape whose family hailed from the humid jungles of the deep south <too soon for detailed background info, see below>, he was unaccustomed to seeing the seasons change with such poise and splendor."

Flowers are not necessary a sign of spring. There are winter flowers. If you must use flowers as an indication, name a spring flower. Name one that your typical audience will know or get a hint of and also fit the story.

As for contrast in weather, suggest to show the astonishment on Harun, maybe he ponders about what flowers would blossom this time in his hometown. Maybe he misses his mom/wife/kids/dog etc.

Lastly, in this opening, other than background info, not much is happening. This is risky.
 
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Isilya

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Hello.
It's my first time critiquing in this thread. I hope this helps.

Here's mine:

"Harun Jabril reached out and stroked the budding flower with his hand.[Probably redundant] He smiled, having found the first hidden sign that spring was coming.of spring. [If your looking to tighten] As an ape whose family hailed from the humid jungles of the deep south,[This feels like a lot of words to say he's an ape from the south. he was unaccustomed to seeing the seasons change with such poise and splendor." Not sure here. I like this bit after the comma. It just feels like this whole sentence it trying to do too much. My brain keeps tripping over it.]

I was intrigued when I discovered he's an ape but I would want the story to start soon.

Here's mine:

Stu, my sacrificial stooge, was draped in the finest cheap robes I could find—half-off at the big box last Halloween. With each terribly pronounced Latin verse he muttered, the aether rippled and the faux velvet fluttered. The spell was working.
 
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CWHs2

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Stu, my sacrificial stooge, was draped in the finest cheap robes (the words "draped" and "finest" bring to mind images of nice/above average robes, so the word "cheap" doesn't fit well) I could find—half-off at the big box last Halloween. With each terribly pronounced Latin verse he muttered, the aether (I had to look this up - now I know it's another way to spell 'ether' - thanks for the lesson:))rippled and the faux velvet fluttered. The spell was working.

Hi Isilya. The last sentence is what hooked my interest the most - maybe you should start with that?
 

ajaye

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These are the first three of one of my super short stories. Granted, I don't see them getting much longer, but I thought it'd be interesting to try it. :) This is an old one, from 2007, called "Feline Rain":

"Mrow?"

"Scat cat."

The stray took a few steps and looked up at her with soulful green eyes.

I very much like the use of mrow instead of meow. I'm not sure what soulful green eyes means though. I think the third sentence needs to give us more info about the speaker. I'd read on, I'm an animal person so I'm interested :)
 

ap123

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Love this thread!

Stu, my sacrificial stooge, was draped in the finest cheap robes loved this phrase!I could find—half-off at the big box last Halloween. With each terribly pronounced Latin verse he muttered, the aether rippled and the faux velvet fluttered. The spell was working.

I liked the voice in this, and that alone would keep me reading. That said, I would probably omit "my sacrificial stooge." Something about it in that first line (maybe the alliteration) breaks the flow, as opposed to getting sucked in to the character and story.

Here're the first three from an old story of mine, worked and reworked but never got it to a point where I was ok enough to title the thing. :D Anyway:

Celia wakes to the sound of a memory. Disoriented in the dark, she is seven years old, hearing the family dog pissing against her bed, the carpet, the dust ruffle, paralyzed by the fear this is her fault. Celia’s fault again, this splattering alcoholic piss of her husband.