Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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DavidGil

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Edit: Ah nevermind, actually. Forgot this was for novels only. ;) Or well, I assume it is with being in the novel section.
 
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Ravenheart

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From my current WIP:

The story that I speak of is not one of fairy-tales. There is no happily ever after. Beauty does not sweep in to save the Beast from his gruesome nature. We are told that the damned cease to exist and those free from sin are given eternal life. The damned can never be saved and walk the earth in an eternal hell that I can never escape.
 

blue_aura12

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The first couple of lines from WIP, my first ever attempt at a full novel.

"The late glow of the sun turned him into nothing but silhouette – a man made of shadows. “I killed him,” he said. “I killed him and I'm not even sorry for it.”
ooooh i like it...
 

blue_aura12

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"The girl standing outside of the bar looked scared.
Something about the way she was standing, slightly stooped, with her eyes darting from side to side, intrigued the man watching her from across the street. He knew the girl wasn't aware of him, hanging back in the shadows, and she wasn't hurrying or panicking – visibly, anyway."
 

BethS

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"The girl standing outside of the bar looked scared.
Something about the way she was standing, slightly stooped, with her eyes darting from side to side, intrigued the man watching her from across the street. He knew the girl wasn't aware of him, hanging back in the shadows, and she wasn't hurrying or panicking – visibly, anyway."

Drop the first sentence entirely. It's telling, and it's unneeded, because you go on to describe her.
 

blue_aura12

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hmm thanks!

new first three sentences:
Something about the way the girl was standing, slightly stooped, with her eyes darting from side to side, intrigued the man watching her from across the street.
He knew the girl wasn't aware of him, hanging back in the shadows, and she wasn't hurrying or panicking – visibly, anyway. She was slim, average height with long dark hair.
 

mobyrick

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i personally would like something like this a bit more

The late glow of the sun turned him into nothing but silhouette. A man made of shadows who said “I killed him. I killed him and I'm not even sorry for it.”



Thanks for the feedback :)

I had "I killed him." as the first sentence the character said for dramatic impact; this murder/assassination ends up defining this my MC's future, and I felt that to start so bluntly/so matter-of-factly began his story with this cruel statement. I am however a novice-novelist, so can I ask the reason behind your suggested changes? I've got a lot to learn :)

Really appreciate everyone else who's taken the time to respond as well.
 

Papaya

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I scrapped my original opening scene. My new three lines:

"Gia had been locked up in the boring room for three long and lonely days, and after all that time to ponder it, she still could not work out what she had done to deserve a punishment so severe. She was beginning to fear that the cook would be the last face she ever saw. He resented the extra burden of delivering her meals, and hinted that she might not always be so lucky."
 

LadyA

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The first lines from one of the YA dark contemp WIPs that I'm toying with:

We weren’t the richest. We weren’t top of any classes. We weren’t the prettiest, not even Bonnie, who drew boys in without trying.
But we were the most powerful. And that was everything.


ETA: I know it's five sentences but it works better that way ;)
 
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Sonsofthepharaohs

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The first lines from one of the YA dark contemp WIPs that I'm toying with:

We weren’t the richest. We weren’t top of any classes. We weren’t the prettiest, not even Bonnie, who drew boys in without trying.
But we were the most powerful. And that was everything.

Er....that's 5 sentences.

Just sayin :D
 

BrumBall

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I scrapped my original opening scene. My new three lines:

"Gia had been locked up in the boring room for three long and lonely days, and after all that time to ponder it, she still could not work out what she had done to deserve a punishment so severe. She was beginning to fear that the cook would be the last face she ever saw. He resented the extra burden of delivering her meals, and hinted that she might not always be so lucky."

Interesting, but a bit wordy in my view. Words like 'boring', 'long', 'lonely' and 'all that time' all in the first sentence all pretty much say the same thing. You could say 'She feared' instead of 'she was beginning to fear' to give the situation more urgency. In sentence three, 'he resented' is head-hopping. You have started in Gia's POV but then switched to the cook's. The plot sounds interesting though, I'd definirely read on to find out what the situation is.

The first lines from one of the YA dark contemp WIPs that I'm toying with:

We weren’t the richest. We weren’t top of any classes. We weren’t the prettiest, not even Bonnie, who drew boys in without trying.
But we were the most powerful. And that was everything.

I'm not part of the YA audience, but I like this start and would read on.
 

BethS

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The first lines from one of the YA dark contemp WIPs that I'm toying with:

We weren’t the richest. We weren’t top of any classes. We weren’t the prettiest, not even Bonnie, who drew boys in without trying.
But we were the most powerful. And that was everything.


ETA: I know it's five sentences but it works better that way ;)

We weren't [at the] top of any classes.

Seems like it should read that way.

I'm also tempted to add "even" before "the prettiest." Not that it's necessary; it's a rhythm thing.

Otherwise, I like it and would keep reading.
 

Buffysquirrel

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IIn sentence three, 'he resented' is head-hopping. You have started in Gia's POV but then switched to the cook's.

Not necessarily. As Gia's interpretation of the cook's remarks and/or behaviour, unseen by us as yet, it's perfectly legitimate. People do it all the time.
 

Papaya

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Interesting, but a bit wordy in my view. Words like 'boring', 'long', 'lonely' and 'all that time' all in the first sentence all pretty much say the same thing. You could say 'She feared' instead of 'she was beginning to fear' to give the situation more urgency. In sentence three, 'he resented' is head-hopping. You have started in Gia's POV but then switched to the cook's. The plot sounds interesting though, I'd definirely read on to find out what the situation is.

Thank you, BrumBall. I'm glad to hear that the premise makes you want to keep reading as that is obviously my main concern.

Emphasizing how Gia is feeling about her predicament was intentional, (she's 12 when the book opens), but I'll see if there is a better way of going about it. I'm not sure "she feared" is the right approach because Gia hasn't yet resigned herself to being locked in the room forever. I'll think it over and see what I can do to make these sentences better. Thanks again for the feedback!

Not necessarily. As Gia's interpretation of the cook's remarks and/or behaviour, unseen by us as yet, it's perfectly legitimate. People do it all the time.
That is indeed what I am doing. The comment about POV really confused me for a moment, so thanks to the Squirrel for commenting and confirming.
 

BethS

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I scrapped my original opening scene. My new three lines:

"Gia had been locked up in the boring room for three long and lonely days, and after all that time to ponder it, she still could not work out what she had done to deserve a punishment so severe. She was beginning to fear that the cook would be the last face she ever saw. He resented the extra burden of delivering her meals, and hinted that she might not always be so lucky."

An interesting situation, and yet...I feel I'm being held at arm's length. This distance is caused by the handling of POV and the careful language (a punishment so severe, after all that time to ponder it, he resented the extra burden), which just sort of hovers above her head, a pseudo-narrator's voice rather than hers. It's a summary, not a real-time scene.

Now, novels can start with summaries like that before they zoom in. It's been done, and done successfully. But in this case (just my opinion), it would work better to get very intimately into her head and bring her experience vividly to life. Put us in the room with her. This will take more space, but it's justified, I think.
 

Sochitelya

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Even at an hour past midnight, when the streets were empty and the houses dark under the gleam of the near-full moon, the cemetery wasn’t silent. The wind rattled through the bare branches of the trees and tugged at Arden’s clothes as she climbed the tall metal fence and landed in a crouch on the other side. She stayed there for a moment, listening to the wind and the lonely hoot of an owl, then straightened up and walked casually to the looming stone bulk of the nearby crypt.

I like big sentences and I cannot lie...
 

sharziey

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Here's the opening to my satirical novel, "Death Takes A Vacation". Let me know what you think.

The Angel was cheating. Bob was positive the pawn hadn't been there before he’d turned to look at the butterfly Gabriel had pointed out. It had been a spectacular species, covered in brilliant yellows and greens, one of the prettier varieties that lived in the Celestial Garden. But when Bob turned back to the chess board, he found the game-ending move he was about to make blocked by the pawn.
 

Jak Mundane

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Here is the first few line of the prologue of my WIP. Kind of written in the style of fantasy history text. Enjoy.

At the dawn of time, there lay nought but the cold and the dark and the Nothingness. And out of the Nothingness the Gods wrought themselves, five in all: Thenis the Wise, Gorm the Strong, Helna the Fair, Lon the Noble, and Dunvir the Kind.
Now, while the Gods did enjoy their own company, they did long for more than their brethren.
 

Russ Mars

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Here's the first three from a romantic fantasy I'm working on:

For the first time in her existence, the warship Daystrider waited idle in harbor on a woman’s account.

Maybe she’s changed her mind, Captain Darok Juell thought. Or drowned.
This isn't even a genre I'd normally read, but it definitely pulled me in. Good start.

However, I do question the italicizing of Captain's thoughts. Assuming you maintain that pov, do you intend to italicize all his narrative thoughts throughout the story?

Suggestion: Captain Darok Juell thought maybe she'd changed her mind. Or drowned.
 

BethS

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I like big sentences and I cannot lie...

Well, big sentences are not so much the problem; it's the company they keep (as a writer friend of mine once said).

I.e., long should be balanced by short. There's nothing wrong with any of your sentences, by themselves, but taken as a group, there are too many long ones in a row.

I took a few liberties to show you what I mean.

Even at an hour past midnight, when the streets were empty and the houses dark under the gleam of the near-full moon, the cemetery wasn’t silent. The Wind rattled through the bare branches of the trees and tugged at Arden’s clothes as she climbed the tall metal fence and landed in a crouch on the other side. She listened a moment. The trees shivered and an owl hooted, a lonely sound. She rose and walked casually to the looming stone bulk of the nearby crypt.

I wonder about the use of "walked casually," which implies she thinks someone is watching. If that's not the case, then I'd suggest replacing that with something that doesn't call attention to itself.
 

Papaya

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An interesting situation, and yet...I feel I'm being held at arm's length. This distance is caused by the handling of POV and the careful language (a punishment so severe, after all that time to ponder it, he resented the extra burden), which just sort of hovers above her head, a pseudo-narrator's voice rather than hers. It's a summary, not a real-time scene.

Now, novels can start with summaries like that before they zoom in. It's been done, and done successfully. But in this case (just my opinion), it would work better to get very intimately into her head and bring her experience vividly to life. Put us in the room with her. This will take more space, but it's justified, I think.
Wow, thank you BethS for the excellent feedback. I'll have to consider this carefully. When I zoom in, I do put the reader in the room with her just as you describe, but the way the opening chapter is currently structured, I'm not sure changing the opening paragraph to a more intimate POV will work. Does that mean I need to rewrite the whole bloody chapter? Maybe. :cry:

Why is it so hard to write an opening? Some people say writing an end is tough, but I find the opposite to be true.

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to critique my opening. You have given me a lot to think about.
 

Sochitelya

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Well, big sentences are not so much the problem; it's the company they keep (as a writer friend of mine once said).

I.e., long should be balanced by short. There's nothing wrong with any of your sentences, by themselves, but taken as a group, there are too many long ones in a row.

I took a few liberties to show you what I mean.

Even at an hour past midnight, when the streets were empty and the houses dark under the gleam of the near-full moon, the cemetery wasn’t silent. The Wind rattled through the bare branches of the trees and tugged at Arden’s clothes as she climbed the tall metal fence and landed in a crouch on the other side. She listened a moment. The trees shivered and an owl hooted, a lonely sound. She rose and walked casually to the looming stone bulk of the nearby crypt.

I wonder about the use of "walked casually," which implies she thinks someone is watching. If that's not the case, then I'd suggest replacing that with something that doesn't call attention to itself.

Thank you for the feedback. I do try to shorten/break up my sentences on revision, so I'll keep your advice in mind when I go to rewrite.

Someone could be watching her; she's not supposed to be there, what with climbing the fence to get in and all. :)
 

ishtar'sgate

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Why is it so hard to write an opening? Some people say writing an end is tough, but I find the opposite to be true.

Oh, I so agree. I find openings torture. I must have tried a dozen different openings for my last novel before finally settling on one I was satisfied with. I'm having the same trouble with my current WIP. I've written numerous openings and none of them work for me. Hope you have better luck than I'm having.:)
 

BethS

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When I zoom in, I do put the reader in the room with her just as you describe, but the way the opening chapter is currently structured, I'm not sure changing the opening paragraph to a more intimate POV will work. Does that mean I need to rewrite the whole bloody chapter?

Not necessarily. The language is really the issue. Do I recall seeing you mentioning that this character is a child? This did not sound like a child's POV.

Not saying you have to render everything in a ten-year-old's speech, but maybe it should at least give the impression of youth.

So if you need to start with a summary, fine, but make the language more immediate. Bring the reader right into the room with her.

Let me show you what I mean. I have taken vast liberties, but only for demonstration purposes, not to rewrite the opening for you. Obviously, you'll do a far better job because it's your character and your story.

Three days ago, they locked Gia in the room. She did not know why, exactly. She'd borrowed Mr. Smith's book without asking, but he hadn't seemed that angry and yet here she was. She'd been lonely at first, and bored. Now she was frightened. The only face she saw was Cook's, who brought her meals. He didn't look happy about having to do that, and the more days passed, the less happy he looked. What if he stopped bringing them?

What if they never let her out?

That is still summary, but it's a much deeper-in-POV-and-voice summary.
 
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