ooooh i like it...The first couple of lines from WIP, my first ever attempt at a full novel.
"The late glow of the sun turned him into nothing but silhouette – a man made of shadows. “I killed him,” he said. “I killed him and I'm not even sorry for it.”
"The girl standing outside of the bar looked scared.
Something about the way she was standing, slightly stooped, with her eyes darting from side to side, intrigued the man watching her from across the street. He knew the girl wasn't aware of him, hanging back in the shadows, and she wasn't hurrying or panicking – visibly, anyway."
i personally would like something like this a bit more
The late glow of the sun turned him into nothing but silhouette. A man made of shadows who said “I killed him. I killed him and I'm not even sorry for it.”
The first lines from one of the YA dark contemp WIPs that I'm toying with:
We weren’t the richest. We weren’t top of any classes. We weren’t the prettiest, not even Bonnie, who drew boys in without trying.
But we were the most powerful. And that was everything.
I scrapped my original opening scene. My new three lines:
"Gia had been locked up in the boring room for three long and lonely days, and after all that time to ponder it, she still could not work out what she had done to deserve a punishment so severe. She was beginning to fear that the cook would be the last face she ever saw. He resented the extra burden of delivering her meals, and hinted that she might not always be so lucky."
The first lines from one of the YA dark contemp WIPs that I'm toying with:
We weren’t the richest. We weren’t top of any classes. We weren’t the prettiest, not even Bonnie, who drew boys in without trying.
But we were the most powerful. And that was everything.
The first lines from one of the YA dark contemp WIPs that I'm toying with:
We weren’t the richest. We weren’t top of any classes. We weren’t the prettiest, not even Bonnie, who drew boys in without trying.
But we were the most powerful. And that was everything.
ETA: I know it's five sentences but it works better that way
IIn sentence three, 'he resented' is head-hopping. You have started in Gia's POV but then switched to the cook's.
Interesting, but a bit wordy in my view. Words like 'boring', 'long', 'lonely' and 'all that time' all in the first sentence all pretty much say the same thing. You could say 'She feared' instead of 'she was beginning to fear' to give the situation more urgency. In sentence three, 'he resented' is head-hopping. You have started in Gia's POV but then switched to the cook's. The plot sounds interesting though, I'd definirely read on to find out what the situation is.
That is indeed what I am doing. The comment about POV really confused me for a moment, so thanks to the Squirrel for commenting and confirming.Not necessarily. As Gia's interpretation of the cook's remarks and/or behaviour, unseen by us as yet, it's perfectly legitimate. People do it all the time.
I scrapped my original opening scene. My new three lines:
"Gia had been locked up in the boring room for three long and lonely days, and after all that time to ponder it, she still could not work out what she had done to deserve a punishment so severe. She was beginning to fear that the cook would be the last face she ever saw. He resented the extra burden of delivering her meals, and hinted that she might not always be so lucky."
Even at an hour past midnight, when the streets were empty and the houses dark under the gleam of the near-full moon, the cemetery wasn’t silent. The wind rattled through the bare branches of the trees and tugged at Arden’s clothes as she climbed the tall metal fence and landed in a crouch on the other side. She stayed there for a moment, listening to the wind and the lonely hoot of an owl, then straightened up and walked casually to the looming stone bulk of the nearby crypt.
At the dawn of time, there lay nought but the cold and the dark and the Nothingness. And out of the Nothingness the Gods wrought themselves, five in all: Thenis the Wise, Gorm the Strong, Helna the Fair, Lon the Noble, and Dunvir the Kind.
Now, while the Gods did enjoy their own company, they did long for more than their brethren.
This isn't even a genre I'd normally read, but it definitely pulled me in. Good start.Here's the first three from a romantic fantasy I'm working on:
For the first time in her existence, the warship Daystrider waited idle in harbor on a woman’s account.
Maybe she’s changed her mind, Captain Darok Juell thought. Or drowned.
I like big sentences and I cannot lie...
Wow, thank you BethS for the excellent feedback. I'll have to consider this carefully. When I zoom in, I do put the reader in the room with her just as you describe, but the way the opening chapter is currently structured, I'm not sure changing the opening paragraph to a more intimate POV will work. Does that mean I need to rewrite the whole bloody chapter? Maybe.An interesting situation, and yet...I feel I'm being held at arm's length. This distance is caused by the handling of POV and the careful language (a punishment so severe, after all that time to ponder it, he resented the extra burden), which just sort of hovers above her head, a pseudo-narrator's voice rather than hers. It's a summary, not a real-time scene.
Now, novels can start with summaries like that before they zoom in. It's been done, and done successfully. But in this case (just my opinion), it would work better to get very intimately into her head and bring her experience vividly to life. Put us in the room with her. This will take more space, but it's justified, I think.
Well, big sentences are not so much the problem; it's the company they keep (as a writer friend of mine once said).
I.e., long should be balanced by short. There's nothing wrong with any of your sentences, by themselves, but taken as a group, there are too many long ones in a row.
I took a few liberties to show you what I mean.
Even at an hour past midnight, when the streets were empty and the houses dark under the gleam of the near-full moon, the cemetery wasn’t silent.TheWind rattledthroughthe bare branches of the trees and tugged at Arden’s clothes as she climbed the tall metal fence and landed in a crouch on the other side. She listened a moment. The trees shivered and an owl hooted, a lonely sound. She rose and walked casually to the looming stone bulk of the nearby crypt.
I wonder about the use of "walked casually," which implies she thinks someone is watching. If that's not the case, then I'd suggest replacing that with something that doesn't call attention to itself.
Why is it so hard to write an opening? Some people say writing an end is tough, but I find the opposite to be true.
When I zoom in, I do put the reader in the room with her just as you describe, but the way the opening chapter is currently structured, I'm not sure changing the opening paragraph to a more intimate POV will work. Does that mean I need to rewrite the whole bloody chapter?