No, no no. I certainly wouldn't want that to happen!
How about I just give you some bamboo wine as a token of my appreciation? The finest magical vintage, of course.
Ooh, the magical stuff! Yes, yes, waft some this way.
[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)
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Ooh, the magical stuff! Yes, yes, waft some this way.
Like!
I added one little word to better link the transition between "at first" and "until." Otherwise, you should probably just drop "at first." "No one believed me until..."
"Morning" suggests to me a sky where the sun is already up. But you can still see stars in the early dawn.
I like the writing and voice. Please have salt shaker at the ready:
I would read on for page or two.
I was intrigued by the soul-stealing wolf spirit, and the appearance of the seer to validate the MC's claim. It just feels a bit rushed for three sentences.
Looks like a good start of something mystical, my kind of story!
I would read on for page or two.
I was intrigued by the soul-stealing wolf spirit, and the appearance of the seer to validate the MC's claim. It just feels a bit rushed for three sentences.
Looks like a good start of something mystical, my kind of story!
Yes, you are correct, as usual. Dawn is the exact word I want.
Thanks once again Beth. Your bamboo wine is on its way.
[FONT="] No one believed me at first, until [I agree with earlier comments about this construction]
[FONT="]Thanks for the comments [/FONT][/FONT][FONT="][FONT="]smoothopr8r. I appreciate it[FONT="].
[/FONT][/FONT] [FONT="]Hmm, seems no on[FONT="]e li[FONT="]k[FONT="]es the "at first, until" constructi[FONT="]on[FONT="], except me[/FONT]. [FONT="]
[FONT="]There's been something bugging me about [FONT="]that second[/FONT][/FONT] sentence too, and I just figured out what it is.
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][FONT="][FONT="]"[/FONT]No one believed me..."[/FONT]
This gives the reader the impression there's conflict between him and others over whether his soul was actually stolen or not. But that's not what the story is about at all. It's about him finding the wolf spirit and getting his soul back.
Here's a tweak to correct that false sense of conflict.
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[FONT="]I had no way of getting it back until a seer passed through my village and showed me [FONT="]how[/FONT].[/FONT]
C. Eldon Gammon
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Hi all. Tear it to pieces, please:
As everyone screamed and stared, Adam Bartholomew casually observed that he had once again found himself in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time.
No surprise there.
And as his fellow classmates backed away, pointing at the scene before them, Adam came to the unpleasant realization that this just might be the worst place he had ever found himself, at the worst time.
As everyone screamed and stared, Adam Bartholomew casually observed that he had once again found himself in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time.
No surprise there.
And as his fellow classmates backed away, pointing at the scene before them, Adam came to the unpleasant realization that this just might be the worst place he had ever found himself, at the worst time.
This could work. The first sentence really drew me in. I'd personally delete the second. The third one feels like it needs a bit of tweaking. I like the voice, but the third sentence feels like this might be a book for middle-schoolers. If that's the case, you nailed it. If it's not, I'd probably take the blue part out and finish the sentence by highlighting what's going on.
As for the two underlined words, they sounded a bit repetitious, which again might be the voice you are going for.
But you hooked me.
I want to know what's going on, and I'd definitely read on. Good job!I'm not at all sure about my rewriting here, but putting it out there anyway.
Yes, you are correct, as usual. Dawn is the exact word I want.
Thanks once again Beth. Your bamboo wine is on its way.
Yay!
By the third sentence, I want to be closer to a revelation of what they're looking at, not circling around it again.
Initially I liked the wry voice, but the commentary of the second sentence repeats what we already know from the first sentence, and the fact that you're still withholding the actual circumstances by the third sentence just made me impatient.
In the words of Monty Python: GET ON WITH IT.
Welcome to the thread C. Eldon Gammon!
This looks like MG. I'm not very familiar with MG so keep that in mind.
With the first line, you tease us with something "bad" happening, but don't say what. Portentous openings like this turn me off right away, but may be fine for MG.
However, you say essentially the same thing with the third line. At this point, my mind is coming up with it's own story and it's probably completely different from yours. It feels like you're just teasing me with the portentous, "something bad" is happening yet again.
In other words, I'm not into your story yet. You have a lot of words here to merely say something bad is happening to a boy in a classroom.
By the third line, I think you really need to give us something concrete about what's going on. That would improve this opening immensely.
I got a hunch that whatever predicament Adam is in is probably pretty interesting, so why not show us right away? That's what your story is about isn't it?
OBTW, I really like the second sentence. It says a lot about Adam in only three words.
Good luck with this!
Thanks all for the comments on my first 3 sentences. I'm psyched you guys seemed to enjoy it overall! It clearly needs tightening, first draft, but it seems many were eager to read on which is cool. Many of the questions were answered in the next few sentences/paragraphs, but thems be the rules! Thanks again!
I'll give this a go, I'm quite curious! Thanks in advance for your impressions. My three sentences are below...
“You know, it won’t always be this way, Jennifer”.
Jennifer turned her book upside down on her lap, using her knee to keep the page.
Just as she looked up, he glanced back from the driver’s seat and threw one of those quick, comfortable smiles her way.
“You know, it won’t always be this way, Jennifer”.
Jennifer turned her book upside down on her lap, using her knee to keep the page.
Just as she looked up, he glanced back from the driver’s seat and threw one of those quick, comfortable smiles her way.
Two potential problems:
a) See #26 in 74 Reasons an Agent Won't Read Your MS Beyond Page One. There are always exceptions but this is not one of them. You first line lacks context. No clue who is talking. No clue what it is about. No clue where it is happening.
b) Nothing really interesting/exciting/horrifying/beautiful is happening. Not even perceptible hints. This may be cuz you are opening too soon or too late.
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Aargh, one of my peeves: unattributed opening dialog. Plus, the reader must assume that the "he" in the driver's seat is the unknown speaker in line one. Solution: add a dialog tag—Dad said, my brother said, the executioner said.
Other than that, although this is not particularly grabby (I know, it's only three lines), there's enough that I'd read on, with the expectation that something's gonna happen soon.
Thanks for posting. Take this with a grain of salt, but I've heard the line "it won't always be this way" so many times before that unless I'm invested in the characters (which by definition, at the first line, I'm not), it doesn't have much impact. You don't want your reader's first question to be "is the rest of the story going to feel a little cliche, too?" Could "he" not phrase it differently? The other two sentences had me more interested since they seemed more original. Keep working on this!
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Some other posters have made some great points, lack of knowing what's going on, no investment, etc. What I noticed was, and maybe it's just me, I like names. I prefer not to use stuff like "he glanced" and when I do, it's not in my first 3 sentences. Give me a name. "...always be this way Jennifer," Bruce quipped over his shoulder from the driver's seat. Not perfect, but now I have a name for the first speaker and I'm on the road to being invested in them.
Welcome Tacitus.
Pretty much agree with what others have said.
I think if you gave some indication of the relationship of these characters and what's actually going on, it would help readers get into your story much faster. Right now, I don't know what's going on except we have two people inside some kind of vehicle.
Hi Flipper Dipper,
I think you need to make us care about the characters more to use this. It just feels like being dropped into the middle of something.
This is a bit more intriguing though I would be surprised if no one noticed broken bones. "The woman sat next to you on the tube this morning," This is kind of awkward. Perhaps "the woman who sat next to you."
I think you need to make us care about the characters more to use this. It just feels like being dropped into the middle of something.
This is a bit more intriguing though I would be surprised if no one noticed broken bones. "The woman sat next to you on the tube this morning," This is kind of awkward. Perhaps "the woman who sat next to you."
Hey Julie, I'm confused. Where are those three sentences you critiqued coming from?
C. Eldon Gammon
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SunshineonMe, Mamitt, BethS, mrsmig, PandaMan, thank you all so much for your responses! I really do appreciate your advice.
Yes, it's MG. However, my protagonist is thirteen, so I like to think my specific target audience is more on the older side.
I tried very hard to establish Adam's wry personality as soon as possible while simultaneously introducing the problem that jump-starts the conflict, but I see now that it's too repetitive and probably will annoy my readers more than intrigue them (especially since I actually still rambled on about nothing after these first sentences). Thank you all for pointing that out.
Here is my first attempt at a re-write:
------------
As the whole school screamed and stared, Adam Bartholomew casually observed that he had once again found himself in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time.
No surprise there of course, but this time was different.
Before him loomed a rather pompous old mirror, stretching floor-to-ceiling against the wall at the top of the Grand Staircase, which seemed to have malfunctioned somehow so that Adam (who was most definitely alive and well, mind you) had vanished.
------------
I'm hoping this sheds a little more light on the action and setting as well as show that Adam's first response to a problematic encounter is laughably analytical considering the absurdity of the situation, but I'm afraid it might be too wordy.
I also could be over-thinking things, as usual.
Thank you all again for your thoughts!
Yes, it's MG.
However, my protagonist is thirteen, so I like to think my specific target audience is more on the older side.I tried very hard to establish Adam's wry personality as soon as possible while simultaneously introducing the problem that jump-starts the conflict, but I see now that it's too repetitive and probably will annoy my readers more than intrigue them (especially since I actually still rambled on about nothing after these first sentences). Thank you all for pointing that out.
Here is my first attempt at a re-write:
------------
As the whole school screamed and stared, Adam Bartholomew casually observed that he had once again found himself in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time.
No surprise there of course, but this time was different.
Before him loomed a rather pompous old mirror, stretching floor-to-ceiling against the wall at the top of the Grand Staircase, which seemed to have malfunctioned somehow so that Adam (who was most definitely alive and well, mind you) had vanished.
------------
I'm hoping this sheds a little more light on the action and setting as well as show that Adam's first response to a problematic encounter is laughably analytical considering the absurdity of the situation, but I'm afraid it might be too wordy.
I also could be over-thinking things, as usual.
Thank you all again for your thoughts!
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SunshineonMe, Mamitt, BethS, mrsmig, PandaMan, thank you all so much for your responses! I really do appreciate your advice.
Yes, it's MG.
I tried very hard to establish Adam's wry personality as soon as possible while simultaneously introducing the problem that jump-starts the conflict, but I see now that it's too repetitive and probably will annoy my readers more than intrigue them (especially since I actually still rambled on about nothing after these first sentences). Thank you all for pointing that out.
Here is my first attempt at a re-write:
------------
As the whole school screamed and stared, Adam Bartholomew casually observed that he had once again found himself in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time.
No surprise there of course, but this time was different.
Before him loomed aratherpompous old mirror, stretching floor-to-ceiling against the wall at the top of the Grand Staircase, (maybe split the sentence here and change which to It) which seemed to have malfunctioned somehow so that Adam (who was most definitely alive and well, mind you) (I think commas work better than a pair of parenthesis, but maybe that's just me) had vanished.
------------
I'm hoping this sheds a little more light on the action and setting as well as show that Adam's first response to a problematic encounter is laughably analytical considering the absurdity of the situation, but I'm afraid it might be too wordy.
I also could be over-thinking things, as usual.
Thank you all again for your thoughts!
Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got online and saw this and wanted to respond.
This is much better and now I feel I'm into the story. Nice job.
I think that third sentence probably has too much in it though.
Forgot to mention in my first post on this that I really liked the voice. It comes across very clearly and distinctly to me. I think that's one of the hardest things for writers to establish, so if ya got it, give yourself a pat on the back.
The "mind you" is a nice touch and reminds me of the first line of the Harry Potter series, "thank you very much."
Thanks for the feedback (and the others too!). Its still not a final draft, so I would be tightening things up all round. But I do find that link to "74 reasons.." quite interesting, thanks.
Regarding the lack of context you mention, well, that was the point of that sentence. The idea I had was that people are then interested to find out the context, as opposed to being spoon-fed. I'll think more about it though.
And about there not being anything wonderfully exciting happening within three sentences, well, I can live with that. I remember a quote something along the lines of "aim your book at people who lip-read if you want to be successful", but I can give readers enough credit to get beyond three sentences without excitement
(Think the quote is Twain)
Having replied to my own critique just a moment ago, I was super curious to have a look at the first three sentences of books I have to hand. Taking two random ones, here we go...
Harry potter/philosophers stone..
"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.
They were the last people youd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.
Mr Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills."
And from Michael Crichtons "Micro"..
"West of Pearl Harbor, he drove along the Farrington Highway past fields of sugar cane, dark green in the moonlight.
This had long been an agricultural region of Oahu, but recently it had begun to change.
Off to his left, he saw the flat steel rooftops of the new Klaikimaki Industrial park, bright silver in the surrounding green."
So....without going into much detail, I'd say, off the top of my head, that the harry potter opening lines are adequate, if a bit boring. While with that "Micro" novel, I think its a fairly bad first three sentences, exposition with nothing of interest.
Tempted to look through other books now, but I'll leave it at that. Overall, I think this three sentence criticism is an entertaining thread, but I wouldn't like some people to go away thinking "Oh, no, my first three sentences aren't great" and being on a downer. Its just fun
Harry potter/philosophers stone..
"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.
They were the last people youd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.
Mr Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills."
And from Michael Crichtons "Micro"..
"West of Pearl Harbor, he drove along the Farrington Highway past fields of sugar cane, dark green in the moonlight.
This had long been an agricultural region of Oahu, but recently it had begun to change.
Off to his left, he saw the flat steel rooftops of the new Klaikimaki Industrial park, bright silver in the surrounding green."
So....without going into much detail, I'd say, off the top of my head, that the harry potter opening lines are adequate, if a bit boring. While with that "Micro" novel, I think its a fairly bad first three sentences, exposition with nothing of interest.
Tempted to look through other books now, but I'll leave it at that. Overall, I think this three sentence criticism is an entertaining thread, but I wouldn't like some people to go away thinking "Oh, no, my first three sentences aren't great" and being on a downer. Its just fun
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