Jack Torrance thought: Officious little prick.

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I'm pleased to have recognized the line right away. I don't ever read Stephen King any more, not for decades.

You'll find plenty of "old school" members who more often interact in person when possible, but few of us live where there are thousands of writers and aspiring writers hanging out talking shop, or just talking. But that's what you get here.

Why is it a great line? Because it lures the reader further in--who's an officious little prick, and what did he do? What makes Jack Torrance fit to judge? Why does he only think it and not say it out loud? Pretty hard not to read onward to find out.

Maryn, whose favorite first line is The last camel died at noon.

Fatousb1 said:

Jack Torrance thought: Officious little prick.

Click to expand...

As Maryn says: Those six words accomplish a lot.

We have a character, with a name.

The named character is doing something.

The named character is showing the reader some of his personality via his vocabulary and attitude (uses somewhat vulgar language; mature and educated enough for the word 'officious' to be part of his vocabulary; considers "little prick" to be a demeaning term, implying macho/misogynistic; isn't obnoxious or brave enough to have said it aloud to the guy's face).

The name (Jack Torrance) and the words used (officious little prick) together suggest a contemporary Western character/setting.

The reader is unconsciously intrigued because they aren't yet sure who to sympathise with: Jack (is he a nice guy who has to deal with a pedantic, annoying jerk?) or the other guy (is he a decent fellow just doing his job and having to deal with a privileged man who thinks the rules don't apply to him and who uses bad language?)

The action -- Jack having negative thoughts about the person he's interacting with -- sets up the first problem: Jack is having to deal with someone he doesn't like.

Exercise: Read through the opening of your WIP. How many words does it take for the reader to get at least one clue as to the main character's name, age, gender, and race; where in the world the story is set; when in history the story is set; what kind of personality the MC has; the first problem the MC has to deal with?

If your answer is "Six words", you're golden.