How Do I Used Tense?

LadyEnnui

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Topic title is purely jest, but I do feel as though I am struggling with tense in my story. I have a hard time proofreading my own work because I have a tendency to auto-correct in my head, but fail to actually correct in the document. Oddly, this does not extend to academic papers.

Here are a couple of sample paragraphs from the fiction story I am writing:

[FONT=&quot]On the eastern horizon stood his partially collapsed residence, with a heavily damaged watermill still creaking wearily in an attempt to operate. A horrible thought formed in his mind, that his family had tried to find him there and ran into inescapable trouble. Noel forcefully shook his head of the thought.
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[FONT=&quot]His residence sat on a hill that overlooked the town and required what looked to be a difficult trek through the true residential area of Veiled Vale. The downed buildings were not the only remains impeding their progress, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]heaven forbid that he or the boy be traumatized any further.[/FONT]

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And here is some sample dialogue:

[FONT=&quot]Hero gave a slight nod of her head, “I didn’t want to upset you by saying I only found one last night. It’s likely that most people fled into the forest.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]“It’s just you now, but we’ll take care of you,” Noel said, making an effort to meet the boy at eye level. “I’ll do what I can to find your family.” The boy lit up a little, it was faint and distant.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Hero looked pointedly a Noel and shook her head. “I make no promises as to your care or your parents. If Noel can manage it, there’s a nearby city, or maybe it’s a ruin now, to the north."[/FONT]



For the record, stylistically speaking, I like to leave grammar errors in the sentences the character speaks. To me, it sounds more natural. :D
 

LadyEnnui

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Thanks you both. I am happy my tense is consistent at least, but I guess I need to hit up the punctuation section of my grammar books again before I continue writing. X)
 

guttersquid

I agree with Roxxsmom.
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Hero gave a slight nod of her head, “I didn’t want to upset you . . . "

That comma should be a period.
 

Treehouseman

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On the eastern horizon stood his partially collapsed residence, with a heavily damaged watermill still creaking wearily in an attempt to operate. A horrible thought formed in his mind, that his family had tried to find him there and ran into inescapable trouble. Noel forcefully shook his head of the thought.


Yes, a few more full stops (or 'periods') might actually help with the odd pacing (which in turn leads to a whiff of tense issues) - I think the tense issue may sprout from "creaking". And the first line may be on the passive side?

My edit.

His partially collapsed residence stood on the eastern horizon . A heavily damaged watermill still creaked wearily in an attempt to operate. A horrible thought formed in his mind. His family had tried to find him there. Ran (or had run) into inescapable trouble. Noel forcefully shook his head of the thought.
 

morngnstar

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Only one tense error. "Ran" should be "run": "had run".

Other than that, it was a little bit wordy. For example, why "residence", not "house"?
 

LadyEnnui

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As for home vs. residence, in an earlier passage, I made reference to a commercial district. I'll probably change to main street for simplicity and clarity.

I also chose residence to imply that the main character was trying to separate himself from the tragedy that occurred in his hometown. It probably didn't work like intended because it was a sample.

As for verbiage, I often go back to shorten and clarify what I've written. I just went back over the first chapter and reordered/clarified sentences and double checked my punctuation. I made some significant changes/clarifications to dialogue as well.

As for why I asked about tense, I've had problems with it in the past. I blame lack of instruction in school. It's part of why I have so many grammar guides and books at home.