Query Letter "Tense" and "Direction"

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Cochinay

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Two query letter technical writing questions. Since I get nothing but rejections, and don't yet qualify for QLH, I felt this would be an OK place for my questions:

My entire query letter is in the present, all except for an opening sentence where I set the scene by saying that the MC "came riding into that small town out West." That seems fine to me, because I'm trying to establish a point in time after which the story proceeds. In other words, I take off from there and work through the present. If that's just wrong, I'll change it, but every time I read "comes riding," I just don't like it.

Also, since my concept of the "west" is not directional, but regional, I believe that it's correct to capitalize.

I know I'll never stop learning. thx
 

Fuchsia Groan

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I would change "came riding" to present. But I'm a stickler for tense consistency; if someone shifts tenses with no clear reason to do so, I may stop reading. So, while I also prefer the classic rhythm of "came riding," I'd change it.

Caveat: I'm an editor. Agents may not care as much as I do. They may not even notice.

In the same (editorial) vein, I would probably write "out west" (colloquial phrase) but "the West" (region). But I seriously doubt anyone will fault you for either choice. It does seem like editors are increasingly LC'ing U.S. regions, even "midwest." Would guess Chicago is behind it, but my copy is outdated.

In my experience as an avid reader of QLH, the biggest problems with queries aren't tiny things like this. They're (a) The book sounds kinda boring, doesn't stand out from hundreds of others; or (b) The query is CONFUSING, making it hard to get the gist in a quick read. (B) is most common.
 

Calla Lily

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Cochinay, since you apparently want to post your query for critique, I strongly suggest you spend a great deal of time critiquing queries. The password to QLH is vista. Critiquing queries will give you a feel for how the room works, will give you ideas of what works in a query and what doesn't, and will build up goodwill when you post y our own.
 

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I'm not sure about how well the "came riding" works. That probably needs to be seen in context. That said, if something happened before the main action of the book that needs to be mentioned in the query, past tense is fine.

I would say that that version of "west" was not a proper noun--in fact, I don't think it's a noun at all in this case--and therefore, not capitalized. Not to mention the fact that in a query, it's better to avoid capitalized words when possible.
 
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Treehouseman

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I would venture "Out West" or "out west" is correct.

What about "Rode into"?
 
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