Long Long Long sentence

shelleyo said:

You're right and I'm wrong. Use all the long, long sentences in bomb-diffusing scenes you want.

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I do. It isn't sentence length that determines pace, it's what the sentence says, but in the case of a bomb-defusing scene, very fast pace is the last thing I'd want. A scene like that calls for suspense, not fast action, which is why movies often take several minutes to defuse a bomb.

Even when short sentences are used to speed things up, more than two or three in a row makes for choppy writing, and choppy writing is one of the quickest ways to stop a read cold, and draw a rejection from an editor.

Jamesaritchie said:

I do. It isn't sentence length that determines pace, it's what the sentence says, but in the case of a bomb-defusing scene, very fast pace is the last thing I'd want. A scene like that calls for suspense, not fast action, which is why movies often take several minutes to defuse a bomb.

Even when short sentences are used to speed things up, more than two or three in a row makes for choppy writing, and choppy writing is one of the quickest ways to stop a read cold, and draw a rejection from an editor.

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Everything I say shouldn't be taken as if I'm stating an absolute. A ton of short sentences would grate, but using them properly is one way to increase tension and accelerate the pace. It's one way, not the only way, and it's certainly not obligatory. Maybe I'm defining something different as pace than is correct, I have no idea, but I'm genuinely surprised at so much disagreement about it.

My career's fine, so if I'm doing it all wrong, I'm apparently doing it wrong in another way that seems to work passably enough.

deb22 said:

Hi, Thank you for all your replies. I joined AW for my nephew [who lives with me] who does nothing but write. His teachers are always encouraging him and he thinks people love to hear about his animal stories. Yes, I do monitor his posts and this so far was his only question.
Thanks for setting him straight on the issue. He needs to have a life outside of writing and watching the wildlife. He is almost 14 and needed to know the truth about his 'career' choice.
So thanks again, and sorry I have not read the posts yet to reply individually as it was his job to do so.
I will find out why and possibly suspend his computer time until he does.

Take care.

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I hope to hell, and kind of assume this is a joke/troll post.

If not, get help for your issues, leave your poor nephew alone (because someone wants to be a doctor should be able to perform surgery at the age of 14?) - and don't post on a forum for other people, that is beyond not cool.

deb22 said:

I joined AW for my nephew [who lives with me] who does nothing but write. His teachers are always encouraging him and he thinks people love to hear about his animal stories.

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I completely understand, as I'm only 73 and live with my elderly, controlling auntie.

I should've listened to her long ago about better career choices and not wasted time studying literature and writing. Now in later life, instead of the perfect ditch to dig or happily flipping burgers, all I can do is sell a few paltry stories and edit for other bitter writers.

Oh, if someone had only discouraged me sooner.

Chase, always on the cusp of being banned . . . losing computer privileges . . .

deb22 said:

Pakak's wings tilted forward, the wind blocked against his outstretched feathers stopped his motion, his frame dropping slowly floating on unseen pockets of air, landing him on a ledge protruding from the edge of the rocky slope. Ulu and I followed, our white wings gently turning in unison, the breeze trapped between our bodies lowered us to the outcropping, as easy as a cascading snowflake, and we settled all clumped together for a restful nights sleep.

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Once at a writer's meeting someone said he'd read that you lose half your audience once a sentence gets past about 20 words or something like that, and progressively more from there. It was interesting because I'd come to that "about 20 word" limit myself from critiquing and reading out loud. There are probably exceptions but I have noticed time and again that about 20 words is where it gets unwieldy and annoying. If you try having someone read it out loud to you, perhaps you'll hear it. Then again, maybe you'll like it just fine the way it is, so fwiw...

You have 37 words, followed by 39 words. And, yes, you've lost me. For me anyway, it doesn't flow. It's too much all bunched up together and I'm slogging through, taken out of the story for a couple of minutes there.

P.S. I skimmed the posts and see I've missed something here. Hmmm. Please take away my computer privileges too. I desperately need to get a life as well.

cornflake said:

I hope to hell, and kind of assume this is a joke/troll post.

If not, get help for your issues, leave your poor nephew alone (because someone wants to be a doctor should be able to perform surgery at the age of 14?) - and don't post on a forum for other people, that is beyond not cool.

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Same here, I'm afraid.

Why are you set on discouraging him?

Chase said:

I completely understand, as I'm only 73 and live with my elderly, controlling auntie.

I should've listened to her long ago about better career choices and not wasted time studying literature and writing. Now in later life, instead of the perfect ditch to dig or happily flipping burgers, all I can do is sell a few paltry stories and edit for other bitter writers.

Oh, if someone had only discouraged me sooner.

Chase, always on the cusp of being banned . . . losing computer privileges . . .

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I would suggest a life of crime; it's never too late.

deb22 said:

Hi, Thank you for all your replies. I joined AW for my nephew [who lives with me] who does nothing but write.

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You really should not be posting on behalf of other people.

His teachers are always encouraging him and he thinks people love to hear about his animal stories. Yes, I do monitor his posts and this so far was his only question.
Thanks for setting him straight on the issue. He needs to have a life outside of writing and watching the wildlife. He is almost 14 and needed to know the truth about his 'career' choice.

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Oh, excellent! Here's some truth for him, and indeed, for anyone wanting to write.

To be good at something, you have to practice. To practice, you have to be willing to not only make mistakes, but also to expose them to people who can help you improve. Then you have to listen to the feedback, figure out how to deal with the real and inevitable hurt that it will cause, and improve from there.

The sentences in the OP have some flaws, which some of the other people here have pointed out. And the matter of ideal sentence length has been demonstrated to be the topic of some debate. But the writing itself is far from hopeless, and should not be despaired of.

As a rule, grammar can be improved on. But the desire to write, and the inspiration to do so, are much harder to come by. Given the choice between the two, I'd say the inspiration is the more important.

A 14-year-old with a vision and a drive should be encouraged, not scolded for not being perfect yet. As, indeed, should someone of any age. Even, you know, 73.

So thanks again, and sorry I have not read the posts yet to reply individually as it was his job to do so.
I will find out why and possibly suspend his computer time until he does.

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It's really not necessary to do so publicly. Sometimes one has to take a little time to absorb feedback and advice, and it's not uncommon for people to use reputation points (use the little balance-scales icon) to say a quick thanks.

If the 14-year-old wrote the example paragraph in the OP, DON'T discourage him. He should definitely keep writing, learning and telling stories.

And if he didn't, he should still definitely keep writing as long as he enjoys it.

Wow, this thread took a discouraging turn. I sincerely hope it's all bullshit.

deb22 said:

Hi, Thank you for all your replies. I joined AW for my nephew [who lives with me] who does nothing but write. His teachers are always encouraging him and he thinks people love to hear about his animal stories. Yes, I do monitor his posts and this so far was his only question.
Thanks for setting him straight on the issue. He needs to have a life outside of writing and watching the wildlife. He is almost 14 and needed to know the truth about his 'career' choice.
care.

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I could wish you had been upfront about this. The advice I would give a 14-year-old would be some different from the advice I'd give adult.

He doesn't need to worry about perfection at this point. Nor does he need to worry about whether he can make a career of being a writer. He just needs to write and read. Lots of reading, because that will help the writing.

If the example post was his writing, he shows promise. The mechanics don't matter too much at this point. He has plenty of time to smooth those out.