Re: Cosmic Writer
Preface
I don’t like prefaces. Too often “preface” just a synonym for “info-dump”. But I’ll go with it.
The Testimony of Alrak was reportedly written by the last known survivor of a Nesda, a small haven in the foothills of the Frenas Mountains.
All the names have a foreign sound to them but I don’t recognize the location names. Probably a fictitious setting.
Nesda's wards were incomplete when the Vex hit.
Incomplete wards and vex are magical terms. This is probably a fantasy. Vex has a capital ‘v’. Must be something important.
The abhorrent, Mujalabrin, easily slipped into the haven and ravaged its inhabitants.
What the heck is an abhorrent and how does it ravage?
Mujalabrin took a special interest in Nesda's only champion, Alrak the Bard.
So the abhorrent is not a mindless beast.
Alrak's talent was great, but his will was not.
Sounds like trouble.
In a desperate attempt to save himself, Alrak offered to immortalize the abhorrent in epic versus.
Some champion.
Amused by the idea, Mujalabrin agreed to keep the bard alive until he could write no more.
The abhorrent has an ego and a sense of humor.
Scholars estimate it took Alrak 115 years to complete his 125,925 page Testimony.
That’s quite a long time. Is Alrak a non-human, then?
Alrak exhausted his limited supply of ink within the first year of composition.
Why was the supply limited? Is the haven completely cut off?
The vast majority of it seems to have been written in blood.
Ick. Human blood? His own? Whose blood?
After approximately 105 years, The Testimony of Alrak encompassed every scrap of paper in Nesda.
Why did Nesda have so much paper and so little ink?
Tests confirm that the last 8760 pages were crafted from exquisitely tanned and extravagantly trimmed skin.
Again, ick. Are we to assume it was human skin?
The original copy of The Testimony of Alrak resides in a carefully warded vault in the Great Library of Kurth.
Clues to the greater setting.
Abhorrence lore experts have long clamored for access to the Testimony.
So the testimony is now a historical document.
While Master Tinus agrees that it could provide invaluable information, he refuses to release any portion of the original document.
Who is this Master Tinus and why is he engaging in censorship?
Instead, he has elected to have to have the original copy transcribed to warded vellum, infused with True Wood using ink infused with True Earth.
Why would copies be safer than the original? What the heck is True Wood and True Earth?
No scribe has been allowed to work on more than 9 non-sequential pages.
Seems a bit excessive.
Despite these precautions, 68 of the 220 scribes working on the Testimony have since gone mad.
Is it because the text so gruesome or is there something about the document itself?
While incidences of insanity are to be expected when working with abhorrence-related material, experts agree this is a higher percentage than usual.
So it was expected that some would go crazy. Hope they get hazard pay.
Further transcriptions were halted after the scribe Paltis created duplicates of his work from memory, using ordinary ink and paper.
Why would he do that? ‘Ordinary’ is unnecessary unless it is a clue.
Paltis made a small fortune when he sold his copies to an amateur collector.
Apparently they don’t get enough hazard pay. Or this is just a very valuable item. But who would want to collect such things?
Shortly after his purchase, the collector murdered Paltis in the middle of the Bazaar.
Well that doesn’t seem like a good way to do business.
The collector was in berserk rage, screaming that Paltis was a liar and a thief.
Paltis has already been established as an unsavory sort, so that could be true. Why the berserk rage?
It took an arrow to the chest to stop the madman from killing innocent bystanders.
The collector is now a madman threatening innocent bystanders. Were other means used to subdue him or did they shoot first and ask questions later?
A search of the collector's office uncovered 8 blank sheets of paper that radiating a lingering astral aura.
Presumably the text had an affect on the ‘ordinary’ paper.
As of this writing, only 1800 of the 125,925 pages of The Testimony of Alrak have been reproduced.
That’s not much.
Master Tinus has made it clear that no further transcriptions will be created as long as he is in charge of the Library.
Probably wise, although it could put Master Tinus on someone’s hit list.
Chapter One
I have no fear of the underground.
We’ve switched to first person.
I spent my childhood under the mountains of Kurth.
Some character background.
Usually I find comfort beneath the shelter of solid stone.
More character background.
But the halls of Kurth echo with vitality.
World building and a clue that we are somewhere other than Kurth. But still no action.
There is a restless silence about this place.
So wherever we are, it’s quiet. But what is a restless silence?
It is not the empty hush of a forgotten tomb.
The character is familiar with tombs. A treasure hunter, maybe?
There is a palpable sense of malice lurking in this silence.
Not sure we need the word ‘palpable’. We get it. The place is creepy. Still no action.
I was nine years of age when I first told my father of my wish to search for lost havens.
More character background.
In a futile attempt to dissuade me from that path, he reserved a three-page excerpt of the Testimony of Alrak for my edification.
I’ve heard of tough love, but why would anyone let a nine-year-old read something that might drive the kid crazy?
Given the documents reputation, he must have called in more than one favor to obtain it.
Dad has connections.
As chilling as Alrak's account is, it did not prepare me for my first contact with a living abhorrent.
So by this time the character has since had contact with an abhorrent.
The estimation that this is a young abhorrent only deeps my self-deprecation.
A young abhorrent? Is that why our character is still alive?
I can only assume that every member of the party is now marked.
So there are other characters around somewhere. Sounds like being marked is a bad thing.
While I cannot be certain that my own faculties have not been destroyed, it appears my husband's mind is now a devil's playground because of my audacity.
Finally, the main character has a gender. (At least, I assume so.) And a new character is introduced—the husband. What ever she did has affected her husband and possibly herself.
I should have taken his council when he suggested we return to town.
They could have turned back but didn’t. Back from what?
But my pride was not content to face the condescension of Councilman Stark with the paltry amount of information we had collected.
What a mess of a sentence. How about “But I was too proud to face Councilman Stark’s condescension for collecting such a paltry amount of information.” A new character is introduced and the only one with a name thus far. What's up with that?
Thanks to me, most party members are severely injured, many are trying to kill one another, and the some are missing.
Sounds like a large party. And they are in trouble. But we still have not seen any action and we still do not know what is going on.
My hubris may well be the destruction of us all.
More hints of gloom and doom. More guilt-ridden angst. This is getting a little tiring. Get on with it.
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Four paragraphs into the first chapter and the main character still has no name, there has been no action, and we are still not clear on the setting. It’s all tone and no substance. The author is clearly trying to manipulate the reader’s emotion, but I don’t think we have established enough connection with the nameless main character to feel for her. At this point I’m more interested in the events from the preface than I am in the first person account.