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maxmordon

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A bit of background: Ages ago, a German mother and her son stayed with us when I was little. When I was planning to backpacking through Europe year, my mother recommended me to call the mother, who lives in Berlin. I called her, we talked a bit, I e-mailed her and she never answered back.

Flash forward a few months later, and the trip has been cancelled by basically the meltdown of Venezuelan economy, I don't think about her until her son writes me saying she's waiting for me. I write him back explaning the situation. I must add that part of my interest on the trip is to meet new people and manage myself alone for the first time. That's why I chose hostals over hotels, despite my mother's family protest that I would probably be robbed, beaten and/or raped.

Anyway, he wrote me back saying I could stay in the city where he lives, which happens to between Berlin and Amsterdam, two cities I planned to visit, and he says he can show me the region and explain me how to move around Amsterdam and that he would ask his boyfriend about the situation of Venezuela, since he's more knowledgeable on international affairs. I did a double take, I was surprised by his straightforwardness. He wasn't vague (my partner, my SO, my roommate) nor he felt he needed to explain it (By the way... Didn't I tell you...). It was something... Matter-of-fact, mundane, commonplace.

And it didn't leave my mind for a week or so, I was obsessed about it. I even had naughty thoughts about him and his boyfriend. I was and still am envious of a freedom I don't have, a carefreeness I don't know, they have so much time due fear and impotence I no longer own.

And, as a bisexual, I could have tried pursuing relationship with women but the idea of sex and relationship seems unappealing to me. I really don't have much to offer to anyone or so I feel. I'm a co-dependent person devoured by insecurities who is simply not mature enough to maintain a romantic relationship. I wanted the trip to Europe to change that for the better, even a bit.

I don't know, I never had felt romantically jealous that should be me"-type of sentiment before and I'm still not sure how to digested it.
 
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thedark

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I just wanted to offer a supportive ear, and thank you for sharing this here. I have no sage advice, other than to say you're not alone and that you've got my support and encouragement.

I'm like the German guy -- very out about my relationship with my wife. It's commonplace to me, and when I weave through life treating it as commonplace with everyone else, it becomes commonplace to them. And hopefully, one surprised and welcoming person at a time, it'll never be unusual again.

My wife, on the other hand, is much more reserved and shy, and she'll use vague descriptions of "family" and "spouse" or just not talk about her personal life at all --ever-- to avoid any potential awkwardness. Of course, she works in a very religious field, and could be fired for having a same-sex spouse. I don't mind her differing take on this; I'm just more "out" than she, as a matter of course.

I hope one day you too are able to feel as comfortable, whether it be where you are, who you are with, or with friends and family you surround yourself with.

I haven't worried about discrimination or what someone else has thought of my family in 13 years. But I also surround myself with good people; people who are respectful of others, and kind, and welcoming. I hope you find the same sort of community, and the same peace within yourself.

You are a valuable person. You have contributions to give to the world around you, and you can help others by being a kind and honorable person. Don't let doubt hold you back, or keep you from a life that would see you happier.

~ Anna
 

maxmordon

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Thank you, thedark. :) I have been struggling to coming out it to my mother, actually. A few years ago finding some porn on my browsing history led her to ask me if I was gay and rationalize that "probably not all *gay people were molested as children".*

Still, living in a very conservative society where machismo is still a very big thing and with conservative relatives and a mother worried on what they will think (she once told to make up a girlfriend for them) really hampers any attempt at openness. Add a borderline abusive stepfather (to my mother only) to the mix and you have a hostile environment.

The funny/sad thing is that I'm pretty sure dad would be quite supportive with this since he works on the entertainment industry and it's something he has no problem with, but I want to tell mother first since she was the one who raised me and who had a far larger influence in my life.
 

shaldna

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Up until quite recently - and I mean in the last year or so - should someone have asked (and i'm 32) I would have said I was a straight female. Despite having had relationships with both men and women.

These days I'm not even sure what I would classify myself as, or even if I feel that I NEED to classify myself at all. I am what I am. My big 'coming out' was nothing more exciting than 'I've got a date' 'oh, is he nice?' 'yeah, she's lovely.' and that was that.

I guess I just never felt the need to worry about how other people saw me, and I think I've been very lucky in that way because I am surrounded by people who don't really care one way or the other.

But I also think a lot of how other people react comes from how I react - a little like your friend. I treat most things as just being matter-of-fact and other people tend to follow that lead. I found out very early on that if I panicked over things and got worked up about them then other people would too.

I really hope you are okay, and if you want to talk please feel free to PM.
 

mirandashell

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I can't really say anything as your situation is outside my experience. So have a big hug.

But one thing I do know about is travelling. If you can, go. It widens your world like you wouldn't believe. I'm the person I am and have the views I do because I went travelling in my twenties. It taught me what it's like to see a society from the outside and reflected my own society back to me in a different way. It taught me that people are different and the same, all at the same time. It helped me grow up a lot. I came back knowing I could cope with life and I could be strong and also that it was no shame to ask for help.

If you can go, Max, do it.
 
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shaldna

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I second what Miranda said about travelling - just go. I did a bit during and after uni, then I fell pregnant and missed out on some really big trips, and it's only now that my daughter is nearly 8 that we are able to plan again to take them - this time of course she'll be coming along too, and in a way I think that's even more fun. She and I are like a little team, and I think travel and seeing the world is so important, and giving her the opportunity to do that, even at such a young age, is very important to me.

So yeah, go, sieze every opportunity.

You'll only get the fruit if you Shake the tree.

:)
 

Mr Flibble

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Travelling outside your usual comfort zone -- and with people who get you -- will (hopefully!) be a huge experience, even if just to see how things can be, sometimes. That not everywhere in the world is like where you are. Did me the world of good and I'm straight! :D

I think if you are struggling and you see someone who is where you want to be, it's normal to feel a bit jealous, but the answer to that is to try to get out there, live the life you want to (if you know what that is!) and then you won;t need to feel jealous. Everyone suffers from this at times, and it can be the little boost you need to really change your life. I want his -- you go get it -- you feel better.

Anyway, no real advice (except go for the moon). Just big ol' hugs, and I hope you figure yourself out. It's hard for everyone, and more hard for some than others, and you know what? I'm pretty damn sure you'll get there and be happy.
 

Roxxsmom

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I can't offer any advice that the others haven't, but I agree with all of it. I'll also second that it's pretty normal to feel jealous when you see someone who has something you wish you could have too.

I'm pulling for you, though, and wish you the best.
 

maxmordon

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Thank you for all your input. :)

It's just that I feel as a late bloomer. Dad offered me the chance to travel after high school but I said no and now, seeing classmates going abroad, getting married and whatnot makes me feel on arrested development and sexuality is part of that. I would shower wearing underpants until I was 17 because I did not like seeing my genitalia, for example.

Adding that, there's a whole frustration with home country at the moment. Seeing how the chances of living indeoendently, having a job in the career of my choosing and travelling abroad are getting harder and harder, it leaves me on a rough spot emotionally.
 

frimble3

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Max, better to be a late bloomer than not to bloom at all.
And, you don't have to do everything at once. If travel and a relationship seem overwhelming, just start with the travel. See where it takes you, so to speak. Just getting away, out of your usual life, might make a difference.
What are the chances that if you write to your father, and tell him you regret turning down his kind offer, he'd still be willing to sponsor your travel?
You don't have to backpack all over Europe, you could start with two cities that you've been wanting to see: Berlin and Amsterdam. You know someone there, who's willing to show you around. Start there. You're a film enthusiast, aren't you? Go look at the actual settings of a few famous films. You've got an out, open acquaintance to help you navigate the social end of things (clubs can be as educational as museums.)
 

maxmordon

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Dad told me it would be better to use the money for my education. As of late, I have been checking out creative writing post-grads in Spain, since living there a year could grant me the EU passport. Last time we spoke, he mentioned the trip wasn't completely off yet, though.

Sounds like a good plan, fimble3, and also I must not forget taking it one step at the time.
 

KTC

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I agree wholeheartedly with Miranda about traveling. Go, go, go. It DOES widen your scope of knowledge and make you more worldly. It fulfills something inside you. I just finished a year of travel and I am more at peace than ever before in my life. So, if you have the opportunity...take it. As for the other topic in the discussion...I have grown by leaps and bounds in this area as well. It has been my year of personal growth, I suppose. I refer to my SO as my boyfriend in passing conversation. I never thought I would be that comfortable. But suddenly nothing else mattered. I'm in a relationship with someone I love. Honestly, nothing else matters. I'm not going to explain the details in terms of gender or sexuality. It's natural...it is what it is. You will get to that point. Neurotic or not. CO-dependent and unready or not. One day you will find the right person and when you do you won't give enough of a shit to explain away the relationship to those who can't just accept 'boyfriend', 'girlfriend', etc.
 

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Dad told me it would be better to use the money for my education. As of late, I have been checking out creative writing post-grads in Spain, since living there a year could grant me the EU passport. Last time we spoke, he mentioned the trip wasn't completely off yet, though.

Sounds like a good plan, fimble3, and also I must not forget taking it one step at the time.

I spent almost a month in Spain in May. I'm so in love with that country, it's ridiculous. Fingers crossed you get to go! (-:
 

shakeysix

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As a teacher, every year or so I would encounter a student who did not fit the gender expectations of this small, rural, "christian" town. In past years those poor kids paid hell for their differences but lately, just in the last year or two, attitudes, even here, have softened. I am so glad for today's students and hope yesterday's students aren't bitter in their hearts about the general enlightenment coming after their day. --s6
 
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maxmordon

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Update

A few months ago I was feeling shitty. Truly shitty. I felt all my college friends had moved on and now had jobs and getting married and having children, so I said "what the hell" and started an acount in an online dating service.

I was sending messages and getting little to no responses until she answered back. Before her, I never had held more than a passing conversation with transfolk and never really thought much about it. We now write each other back and forth pretty much every day to talk from human rights and social issues to cartoons and videogames or just to ask how was each other one's day.

I feel always nervous on saying something inappropiate. I really like her. She's sensitive, intelligent, opinionated, funny, beautiful and just plain lovely. I'm aware her transition is not an easy process, and I admire her endurance: how much she has fought to become the woman she truly is. I wish I could have half of her strength and determination.

We are taking things slowly. After all, we both started out looking just for friendship and really feel unprepared for relationships, especially when one considers distance (she lives in NJ). I don't know what she exactly feels about me, but I can't deny feeling giddy whenever she writes back and nervous when she takes her time. She's the sunshine of my life and inspires me to be a better person. If we ever become something more than friends, I want to be someone she deserves to be with.

I hope that, if things evolve that way and the time comes, I will manage to stand up and say "Yes, this is the woman who I love. You can share our joy or you can leave us alone".
 

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I have the problem that my husband is trans. To me it's no issue but he's struggling more with it than I am. Learning not to be open about it with other people is difficult because I see no shame in it and it's a part of our lives. We've brought the children up to accept it and it's very hard telling them not to discuss it with others because only the middle one is remotely ashamed by it (He's very much a man's man type). Our daughter has even suggested her dad should spend a week or two entirely as a woman rather than just dressing occasionally as he does now.
 

Maryn

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...I really like her. She's sensitive, intelligent, opinionated, funny, beautiful and just plain lovely. I'm aware her transition is not an easy process, and I admire her endurance: how much she has fought to become the woman she truly is... I don't know what she exactly feels about me, but I can't deny feeling giddy whenever she writes back and nervous when she takes her time. She's the sunshine of my life and inspires me to be a better person. If we ever become something more than friends, I want to be someone she deserves to be with.

I hope that, if things evolve that way and the time comes, I will manage to stand up and say "Yes, this is the woman who I love. You can share our joy or you can leave us alone".
Write this down where you can find it again. The time will come when it's exactly the right thing to say to her, or the proper sentiment for a card or letter.

As the parent of a transwoman, I wish for her to meet someone very like you--but closer!

Maryn, so pleased you've met someone
 

Diana Hignutt

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Write this down where you can find it again. The time will come when it's exactly the right thing to say to her, or the proper sentiment for a card or letter.

As the parent of a transwoman, I wish for her to meet someone very like you--but closer!

Maryn, so pleased you've met someone

As a newly single transwoman, I find myself wondering if Max has an older brother (or sister, I'm not picky). :)
 

maxmordon

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Thank you, folks! I find your responses very endearing. :)

As I said before, I try not to make myself illusions since I don't know what she thinks about me but I feel she really appreciates my company. We write each other back and forth two or three times a day and apologize when we take our time to amswer, something I believe it's unusual on an online dating site.

We also share things one could say are personal: I've shown her my short stories (she manages Spanish as well as I manage English so she practices with me) and she has shared some of her anxieties related to her transition, including nightmares involving her parents. We both have commented how lonely we feel, and how the other helps to mitigate that.

I suspect we're both very insecure people by completely different reasons who try not to ruin a good thing by going too fast. She needs space to grow in such a decisive stage of her life and I have no right feeling protective about her, but part of me wishes I could hug her and block away all the pain and abuse she has endured. She's beautiful and deserves all the beauty in the world.

I haven't feeling this emotional for someone in ages and it scares me. I feel at times so vulnerable and anxious and always worry I will screw it up. But she's constant in my mind. Her smile melts my heart and her pain makes me shed tears at how unfair life is. I even have noticed transgendered themes have popped up in my story ideas. I'm writing for her. She inspires me. And not only that, she inspires me to improve myself. To set life goals and try to accomplish them, because she has managed to do so much all by herself that I feel I have so little to offer.

Then, a different part of me thinks I'm a creep, a weirdo (this part loves of me loves Radiohead) and that I'm making a fool of myself, building castles out of clouds and I have no right thinking about her in such a way but then I think of her smile again, her silver eyes looking at my soul with such idealism and guess it's worth a try.

But I need to say it: love is f*cking scary.

As a newly single transwoman, I find myself wondering if Max has an older brother (or sister, I'm not picky). :)

My dad actually lives in NYC, is a bit younger than you and very queer-friendly (worked for years in the theater scene, currently lives in Chelsea) but he just got married three years ago. Sorry, Diana!
 

mirandashell

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I haven't feeling this emotional for someone in ages and it scares me. I feel at times so vulnerable and anxious and always worry I will screw it up.

Everyone feels like this when they fall in love. You're right, it is scary. But just take your time, follow the path where it goes and work on your own stuff too.
 

regdog

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Good luck, Max
 

maxmordon

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After over three months of talking almost every day, I decided to hint things. Things got quite flirtly and tonight she told me she just couldn't do long-distance relationships.

On one hand, I don't mind since I really like her as a friend and, in fact, she has quickly become someone very dear to me. I specially liked it the fact we managed to discuss about it in a very calm, mature manner. Or at least as mature as you can expect from a pair of internet-educated early 20-somethings and agreed we both enjoyed our friendship as it is.

But on the other hand, I can't deny a feeling of sadness and watery eyes. This is the closest I've been in a romantic relationship with someone, anyone. And I must admit I gave myself some fantasies about it, Sometimes I would go to sleep hugging my pillow thinking it was her. She quickly, perhaps too quickly, rose to become an important part of my life.

I now have a good friend who I deeply care about and there's still a world of strangers out there...
 
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