Interesting! I will have to mull on those, but you all have given good input, so far. Thank you!
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[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)
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In the earliest draft of this, the first Chapter had Jane as being nameless before she gave up and adopted "Jane" as a name. So, the first chapter had a lot of "the young woman", which I was always dissatisfied with. it felt too clunky to leave her unnamed for a whole chapter.
Adding in the comment about another "Jane Doe" gave my protagonist a name she could at least focus on, and the reason the speaker is mentioning another one suggested that finding unidentified young women passed out is not an isolated incident.
KaiSmetham
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The phrase "with that" made me think some sudden action was about to take place, such as Jane grabbing the boot prodding her shoulder and coming face to face with the shotgun.
The 'another' is intriguing though - how many have they found and where are they? That one word makes me want to keep reading.
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The use of the term Jane Doe makes me think its the police who've discovered the body. But that doesn't fit with the following sentences - they're unlikely to kick her and point a shotgun in her face.
The first line's intriguing but the second reads a little awkward to me. I agree with others who commented about the first memories and first sight probably being beyond her awareness at this point.
But the concept is interesting - I'd read on
Let me add two things others haven't brought up.
1) Are there non-menacing-looking shotguns?
2) How close to her face does the shotgun have to be before it becomes not too close for comfort?
In the earliest draft of this, the first Chapter had Jane as being nameless before she gave up and adopted "Jane" as a name. So, the first chapter had a lot of "the young woman", which I was always dissatisfied with. it felt too clunky to leave her unnamed for a whole chapter.=Donkey
(The way it currently reads makes me second guess the "Jane Doe" comment.)
Adding in the comment about another "Jane Doe" gave my protagonist a name she could at least focus on, and the reason the speaker is mentioning another one suggested that finding unidentified young women passed out is not an isolated incident.
Not what I meant. I was referring to the "shaken awake" versus the suggestion to use "prodded". Jane Doe = dead body. Shaken awake...not so much.
I absolutely love the idea of her adopting Jane from the Jane Doe comment, though it's likely been done before.
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Chapter 1: Mycroft
I hated being stood up by my brother. If I had it my way I would keep Sherlock out of all political affairs, but unfortunately it was not my decision to make. And because of my relation to him it was always my job to wait by the door for my brother to arrive each Saturday morning until he showed up.
I hated being stood up by my brother. If I had it my way I would keep Sherlock out of all political affairs, but unfortunately it was not my decision to make. And because of my relation to him it was always my job to wait by the door for my brother to arrive each Saturday morning until he showed up.
I dunno, this is kind of a slow start, somebody waiting for somebody else to show up. Also, there's something off with the last part of the third sentence (marked in red); to arrive until he showed up sounds redundant.
If this is, as I suspect, a pastiche of the Sherlock Holmes stories, you might want to work on the voice. "Stood up" is a colloquialism that's both too contemporary and too American for the traditional Holmes setting of late Victorian England. Same with "showed up."
If, on the other hand, this is not a pastiche, you're going to have to do some pretty fancy footwork to get me hooked, particularly after the tease of the Sherlockian names. Right now this is too bland to get me interested.
ETA: Lots of unnecessary, explain-y stuff in there, too. I made some suggested edits above.
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The third sentence is a bit awkward.
It doesn't instantly grab you - there isn't enough drama at this stage.
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2nd sentence: Is memories the word you want? Might not something about awareness be more appropriate? 3rd sentence: A shotgun barrel in the face is plenty menacing. Simply saying it is there or pushing against her face would convey the menace without actually saying it.
I have reworked my first three sentences starting by cutting out six pages in front of the new start after you all correctly said that I needed to start with the change aspect. Thanks for that. I hated to cut the pages but you were all right. Here is what I am starting with now.
[FONT="]The man who changed my life was Reb Schmuel Menachem of Drikz, the Schmendrick Rebbe. I am certain you will immediately say “who?” But, this rabbi, this Schmendrick, degraded throughout eternity, considered an idiot and even called a disgrace to his people, made my life more meaningful, more complete. [/FONT]
[FONT="]The man who changed my life was Reb Schmuel Menachem of Drikz, the Schmendrick Rebbe. I am certain you will immediately say “who?” But, this rabbi, this Schmendrick, degraded throughout eternity, considered an idiot and even called a disgrace to his people, made my life more meaningful, more complete. [/FONT]
Is this the opening to your memoir STANDING ON ONE FOOT? (Some context might help us critique it. As it stands, I'm drawing blanks.)
No this is the start of a comic novel called The Schmendrick. The Schmendrick is the world’s worst ever rabbi. He preaches sermons such as it is better to receive than to give; refuses to lead prayers on Saturday because that was work and no work can be done on Sabbath; never learned the prayers and argued with everyone in his small Polish shtetl village.
He was so unobservant that he did not even notice the murderous pogrom that was going on around him and was taken captive along with other men and women in the village. To get everyone’s freedom he had to win three debates on religion with the local priest. If he lost all three, everyone would die. If he lost two, all the men would die and the woman sent to a convent. If he lost just one, all the Jews would live but have to leave the duke’s land.
He was so unobservant that he did not even notice the murderous pogrom that was going on around him and was taken captive along with other men and women in the village. To get everyone’s freedom he had to win three debates on religion with the local priest. If he lost all three, everyone would die. If he lost two, all the men would die and the woman sent to a convent. If he lost just one, all the Jews would live but have to leave the duke’s land.
Your last sentence is an echo of the first sentence. I think this might need a bit more tweaking to hook a reader.
just my two cents.Nothing kills comedy faster than exposition. Open in a scene that lets the reader see Schmendrick (or some other principal character), and to establish the comic voice.
You're telling us what you're going to tell us. In fact, I don't see any reason to read on since you've basically told us what's going to happen.
I repeat - start your story where your story starts.
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The changes are really solid but I wonder if you need the last four words "until he showed up". Isn't that obvious? When he shows up there is no longer any need to wait. Think you can live without those words.
All in all, I like the ominous mood, and the reference to "the Division" intrigues me. I'd read further.
I swear to god. No one has ever caught that spring-preceding-winter thing, and I'm going to change that at this very second.
Will consider the semicolon.
This character is--as the reader discovers very quickly--writing letters to his deity, so the "you" is sorted out soon.
Thank you for your advice, though! I'm glad it's ominous. The whole story is ominous + humorous + very fourth-wall-break-y.
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