Bisexual People and Relationships

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mayqueen

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I may be in the minority, but I dislike the "I just like people" idea of bi-ness.
It may work for some individuals but I don't think it's a good description of the general concept of bisexuality. It somehow divorces the entire concept from sex and gender, when that still plays a part for many people. Several bi folk I know, me included, are attracted to different things traits in men than women. You can like the person AND their sex AND their gender.

I completely agree with this.


To the OP, I think it varies so much because bisexuality is so completely varied. I'm in the Cynthia Nixon camp of bisexuality (is there one?) where I chose to date women very intentionally. I just so happened to end up meeting my partner and falling in love with her. If that hadn't worked out, who knows, maybe I would have ended up with a man. But very likely not. I'm bisexual, but women are my emotional wheelhouse. So I think it could be the case for your character that he's sexually attracted to men and women, but feels more emotionally close to men. It's the exact opposite for me. :)
 

cmhbob

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I've read this thread several times, and it's been very helpful. I think the guy I asked about in this thread will end up identifying as bi. He had been girls several times in HS, but wasn't at all against the idea of the guy who confessed his love for him.

There will be some very helpful college friends, I think, and it'll take a while for him to end up with a healthy outlook, given where he's starting from, but I think this thread has helped me get to know Elijah better.
 

BenPanced

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So I think it could be the case for your character that he's sexually attracted to men and women, but feels more emotionally close to men. It's the exact opposite for me. :)
Yes. This, which is why he says he's been having much more fulfilling relationships with men. It's the emotional connection.
I've read this thread several times, and it's been very helpful. I think the guy I asked about in this thread will end up identifying as bi. He had been girls several times in HS, but wasn't at all against the idea of the guy who confessed his love for him.

There will be some very helpful college friends, I think, and it'll take a while for him to end up with a healthy outlook, given where he's starting from, but I think this thread has helped me get to know Elijah better.
:Thumbs:
 

kkwalker

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There's a lot of books out there about bisexuality, about what it means and how it's treated in both straight and gay communities (shittily, mostly) and it might be worth checking some out.

I'm with Anninyn on this. Bisexuality seems to be treated like the person is just playing around in both communities, as if the person won't have a clue how to be loyal once a connection is made. It's maddening. And the gay community is just as bad about it as the straight community.
 

artificialsilkgirl

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That's one way to say it, but the use for the word "bisexual" to refer to attraction to all genders or attraction without respect to gender has been used since long before the word "pansexual" ever existed.

Yeah, as far as I understand it bisexual can mean 'being attracted to your own genders and other genders" or shorthand for "being attracted to men and women" depending on how the person who identifies as bi interprets the term. I know that pansexual is used to be explicit about being attracted to all genders (and therefore is often seen as being more inclusive of non-binary genders) but that doesn't erase the "my gender/other genders" interpretation of the term bisexual. I respect why people feel more comfortable with pansexual, but I don't think the term is inherently more accurate or inclusive of non-binary genders than bisexual is.
 

DancingMaenid

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I may be in the minority, but I dislike the "I just like people" idea of bi-ness.
It may work for some individuals but I don't think it's a good description of the general concept of bisexuality. It somehow divorces the entire concept from sex and gender, when that still plays a part for many people. Several bi folk I know, me included, are attracted to different things traits in men than women. You can like the person AND their sex AND their gender.

I agree. I've never been crazy about that description being used as a general description of bisexuality as a whole. It's very accurate for some people, but not for others. I don't think a person's gender or sex plays a big role in how I relate to them as a person, but there are absolutely different physical traits that I find attractive in men vs. in women, and I'm not attracted to all genders in the exact same way. The types of crushes I get can vary, too.

I think it's absolutely plausible that a bisexual person could lean more heavily toward one gender. It's also plausible for a bisexual person to go through periods where they're more interested in a particular gender.

From a writing standpoint, I think the main pitfall would be to treat it as though the bisexual person has turned straight or gay. Sometimes people do switch from identifying as bisexual to identifying as something else, but it's not something that automatically happens to bisexual people just because they get a partner or they find themselves more into a particular gender.
 
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RemaCaracappa

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From a writing standpoint, I think the main pitfall would be to treat it as though the bisexual person has turned straight or gay.

There's also making bisexuality a point of villainy, and a bunch of other stereotypes of bisexuals as they are portrayed in media (when they exist at all)
 

maceleon

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I think the issue has more to do with visibility of bisexuality and notable bisexual people. If someone found the majority of their same sex experiences and relationships before they ended up in a heterosexual relationship, then their same sex experiences are often rendered invisible unless they proclaim it loudly and proudly from the rooftops. On the opposite side of the spectrum, if they end up in a homosexual relationship then their bisexuality itself is often questioned. "He hasn't dated a women in years. Why does he still say he's bisexual?" "She experimented in college but she not a lesbian or bisexual or anything."

Dan Savage is kind of the man for questions of sexuality. Even if he was a bit of a bisexual basher in the past.
 

Moriar

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Personally, I have had periods in my life when I was more attracted to men than to women. Now, for example, I think it is sort of balancing out, as I find more women I might be attracted to as well as men.
It's also true that I find different things attractive, depending on the person being a man or a woman (ie particular traits I like more when they appear in one gender rather then the other)-at the same time, I do like a person first, with gender coming into play later. To explain myself, I meet a person, I find them interesting, maybe I develop a crush for them <--through all this process, the fact that they are woman or man doesn't influence my choice. I don't know if partly that is connected to the fact that I usually find a person interesting from the inside out (I fall for the brain of a person much faster than their body, and the more I like the brain, the more beautiful I find the rest of them), so what gender they are comes later (when I start to feel the physical attraction).

Anyway, just to give maybe another prospective :) And I do agree with the other posters when they say that you could spend decades dating or with people of just one gender, and still consider yourself (and be, rightfully so) bi.
 

snowpea

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Being bi doesn't mean there has to be a 50/50 split. Some people are more attracted to one gender and/or sex over the other. And sometimes you just happen meet more people from one gender and/or sex that you are attracted to. It wouldn't be a big deal for me if your character just happened to have more positive relationships with men, for whatever reason.

As to the "which team does he plan on," it depends. I do know some people who jokingly say they're switching teams, sometimes weekly or monthly. :tongue But that's because we know each other and we like to make fun of the stereotypes.

If you're talking about seriously saying he's identifying as gay now... that's a little tricky. First, I think people (and characters) should be able to identify as whatever they want, so if he wants to ID as gay, then he's gay. OTOH, I understand you're trying to avoid the "bi people are just confused/need to choose a sexuality/stop being greedy" stereotype.

So. If he does "choose a side," try to make it clear that this is about his character, his decision, his identity, and not bi people in general. Not all bi characters have to represent all bi people.

Long and rambling, and hopefully somewhat useful. :D

There is also something called bi-romantic, which I mostly am. Although my preference is men. Bi-romantics are romantically attracted to both genders, not necessarily sexually.

Definitely a character may have a preference for a gender, but still enjoy the company of both.
 

oceansoul

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There is a lot of difference among people who identify as bisexual. If someone asks me about my sexuality, I would probably respond with "I'm bisexual" unless they asked for clarification in which case I might answer 'I'm a lesbian-leaning, homoflexible who sometimes likes a man to spice it up," but most people don't want the extended edition!

On an emotional level, I'm almost exclusively attracted to women. But from time to time a man can be physically appealing.
 

amergina

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Honestly, when people describe bisexuals as "I just like people" I feel like they're mixing up bisexuals and pansexuals. Am I the only one that gets confused about that?

Bisexual is an older term than pansexual. I suspect there may be people (and I may be one of them) who identify as bi who are also attracted to genderqueer/fluid people.
 

J.S.F.

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I wonder if there's a term for people who are only attracted to genderfluid people…

---

Flui-sexual.

You heard it from me first.

:D

(Sorry, just woke up, I plead a numb brain)
 

DancingMaenid

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Bisexual is an older term than pansexual. I suspect there may be people (and I may be one of them) who identify as bi who are also attracted to genderqueer/fluid people.

*raises hand* I'm genderqueer and find non-binary/genderqueer/genderfluid/androgynous people attractive (though not exclusively). I also identify as bisexual, and while I respect that some people are more comfortable using the label pansexual, I don't really like the trend of assuming that there's always a firm difference between bisexuals and pansexuals.

Though I understand and respect the desire to label yourself in a way that feels accurate, and understand why the "bi" in bisexual is a sticking point for some people, it's not much of an issue for me, personally. "Pansexual" is probably technically a more accurate label, but I see bisexuality and pansexuality as being essentially the same. I think I tend to assume that people who identify as pansexual are more likely to have an active interest in multiple/all genders, because I know some people adopt the label specifically because they want to emphasize that they're attracted to all genders or don't care about gender. I would be more surprised by a pansexual-identified person having a preference for one gender than I would a bisexual-identified person. But I don't think identifying and bisexual as opposed to pansexual implies that you're only attracted to two genders.
 

Shadow Dragon

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I tend to see bisexuality as being purely a physical thing. It's the same as saying, "I'm ok if you have an innie or an outie," so to speak. Some will prefer more masculine appearances, some might prefer feminine appearances. That's a completely side issue that comes down to general personal preference.
 
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