Advice for my kid, please

I'm posting this with the permission of my 18-year-old gender fluid child. Because they're gender fluid, I'm posting here in QUILTBAG; mods, if this belongs elsewhere, please feel free to move.

They attend a cosmetology school with a written anti-discrimination policy that includes gender identity. One of their instructors, a heterosexual man, has consistently refused to use my child's chosen name, and refers to them as "it." When my child spoke with the school's director, she followed up with the instructor--who then switched from using my child's birth name to using their *last* name because "that's what's on the roster." (He was SPECIFICALLY told by the administrator to use my child's chosen name.)

My child followed up with the administrator yesterday, and she spoke to the instructor again. Today he was calling my child a whiner and was bullying them even more than before--in addition to STILL using their last name and the pronoun "it." The administrators were unavailable today, so my child is now on their way home from school after a morning of being bullied and harassed by this asshole.

In speaking with other students, my child has learned that a transwoman who is enrolled there was treated the same way by this instructor, including use of her male birth name and the pronoun "it." A gay male student told my child that the instructor has called him a fag in class, and a female student who identifies as straight and cis-gender was given failing grades by the instructor because "I just don't like you."

The school's solution as stated to my child was "If he doesn't stop, you'll be removed from his class so you don't have to deal with it." But they are making no move to address the INSTRUCTOR's discrimination and bullying of students.

I'm not looking for legal advice. I've already (again with my child's permission) contacted the ACLU and the Transgender Law Center. What I guess I'm looking for is other suggestions on how my husband (my kiddo's stepdad) and I can handle this, support the kiddo, and address this with the school. I would honestly prefer to have a meeting with the administration and take care of it that way, but my kid has tried that. Though hubby and I weren't involved, and maybe hearing from the parents would push things along. Hubby's also suggested contacting local media if the school continues to ignore the issue, but I hesitate to do that because it would mean outing my child (who is okay with being outed if it solves the problem, but their father and his family don't know they're gender fluid and it would not be good for that family to find out).

I'm also looking for any words of support or encouragement that I can pass along to my kiddo.

Miranda, I wish I knew why he's still employed there, because apparently other students have complained about his treatment of them.

And yeah, kiddo knows who's really at fault here. And is prepared to go public with their gender identity if it means publicizing this and getting the school to either address it or to make the public aware that the school is allowing discrimination. I have a very strong kid, and I've already told them how proud I am of them for enduring this and being prepared to take it as far as need be to get it resolved.

At this point, I'm not inclined to threaten a lawsuit; I would prefer to just meet with the school's administrators and let them know this has crossed a line and they need to give me a written plan of how they're dealing with it. But we're getting our ducks in a row just in case.

Thanks, everyone. Hubby and I, as well as kiddo's stepmother, do our best to support her. (Their father doesn't know they're gender fluid.)

Maryn said:

I'm not a lawyer, but this is a private school to which you pay tuition, right? It's entirely possible that such discrimination is perfectly legal (though disgusting, mean-spirited, and morally reprehensible) because gender-fluid and trans people are not a protected class.

I would meet with the administration and your child, asking flat-out why they retain an instructor who is verbally abusive to students after having been warned, and demanding they deal with the dude rather than rotate your offspring out of the class. Ask them to show you a plan for how they will deal with it, showing what the consequences will be for the instructor if he fails to meet each goal they set.

Maryn, who's not letting anybody put Baby in the corner

Click to expand...

Maryn, it's a cosmetology school, so we pay tuition. But kiddo dug out their written discrimination policy, which includes that no discrimination is permitted on basis of "religion, sexual orientation... (a bunch of other things)...and anything else legally protected." Further research by kiddo revealed that in Massachusetts, gender identity is legally protected against discrimination. So this is illegal and against school policy.

McCardey, kiddo knows they can ask us for help at any time. I've told them they are far from alone in dealing with this.

SWest, kiddo told me several students came to them and mentioned problems with this same instructor, and not always based on sexuality or gender identity (though there were a couple of cases of that). Kiddo's trying to rise above and remember that they have a lot of support from us, from other students, and from other instructors at the school.

Kitty, I'd love to go Mortal Kombat on the jackwagon, but I'm trying to manage it through more peaceful channels first. lol. Kiddo isn't accepting the treatment, they are trying to address it both with the instructor and with other staff.

Storm, to clarify, this is a cosmetology school and all the students are legally adults; many are out on their own, and the other GLBT students who have run into problems with this instructor aren't out to their families. So unfortunately, contacting other parents wouldn't work, but kiddo is speaking with the other students who have encountered this.

Thanks, everyone. Medievalist, I appreciate the link, and I'll share it with kiddo. (Though it doesn't appear to cover education... but I haven't read it thoroughly yet.)

Frimble, my kid's been talking to their classmates and is feeling the others out to find out whether anyone else is willing to speak out publicly about the instructor. The transgender woman my kiddo is friends with said that in her case, the harassment stopped when she screamed at the instructor in front of the rest of the class, and that the administration's only addressing of the situation appeared to be changing her name on the class roster so the instructor would stop calling her by her male birth name, under which she'd had to enroll because that was her legal name.

slhuang, I had kiddo sit down yesterday and write out everything they remember the instructor saying. I didn't think to have kiddo include dates, but they know when they were first put into this instructor's class, and apparently it's been going on since day one.

Roxxsmom, "term" is relative at this school; it's an 8-month program and they start new classes about every 4-6 weeks, so enrollment and graduation dates overlap greatly.

Ericalynn, thanks, we'll check into that.

Ketzel, that's the organization Medievalist linked to above, I think... we're looking into them as well.

Frimble, yep. The instructor is very careful of what he says when other staff members are around, and according to kiddo the only thing he's said to them when other students were around was the use of kiddo's last name. So the instructor's covering his behavior, and it becomes his word against students' word, I guess. I don't even know what the school is thinking anymore.

Maenid, I have no idea, but we are going to get to the bottom of this.