A Wall Between Writing Life and Real Life?

The people I'm closest to in 'real life' have very little interest in my writing, save for one younger relative who is also a writer. We share our victories and defeats, and avoid pestering the hapless normals around us.

randi.lee said:

I wonder if anyone faces the same feelings: I tend to keep my "writing life" and my "real life" separate: I don't share my blog posts, my works-in-progress or even some of my publications with the people in my life. On the other hand, I'm entirely open about my feelings, insecurities and my writing on my blog and within on-line communities such as AW.

Does anyone put up a similar wall? Is it difficult for you to share with the people who are closest to you? Or is it easy for you to blend the two together?

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Yes, I put up a similar wall, possibly because there is the public me and the private me. I don't want acquaintances' perception of me to be colored by what I write, if that makes any sense. As far as those closest to me, my husband expresses interest in reading what I write, but I don't feel ready to share it at this point.

I definitely have a wall. Only two people IRL know I write, my beta being one of them. I never talk about writing in fleshspace with anyone but my beta. I've violated my nondisclosure rule exactly twice, and both times I'd (correctly) guessed the other person was a secret scribbler. Cue two of the vaguest writing conversations on the planet (shy people for the win!).

I was actually thinking about this topic last night. I have family coming to visit over Easter, and I was trying to decide what to tell them on the writing front of things, should they ask.

I've constructed a wall as well. Most people know I write, since I've been doing it for about nine years (Though they have no idea how seriously. Pretty sure most of them think it's just a cute hobby), but I keep them as much as I can in the dark about what I write. I come from a conservative and mostly religious family, but I write QUILTBAG fiction and Fantasy, which doesn't comply with their beliefs whatsoever and I don't want to be shunned.

I've had a select few friends who have seen my work, but for the most part when people ask I just tell them "I'm still revising." and they forget all about it. It's not worth upsetting people or causing a fuss to me. I also don't think my family actually has an active interest, and they only ask so if it's something they like they can brag to their friends about their granddaughter/niece who writes "books" XD.

Online is a different story, though. If you're actually willing to listen, I'm totally willing to discuss my writing. I don't have to run into you at the next family gathering, so if things do get awkward there's not too many repercussions, aha.

In the town I live in I'm mostly surrounded by my husband's very large family - most of them don't even know I write, and of those that do only one acknowledges it. She's an aunt of his who's writing her own book, so she buys mine so I'll help her.

As for my family . . . my husband started reading my books only after I self-published my first one and he was embarrassed by someone who asked him what he thought of it and he had to admit he hadn't read it. My two sisters receive copies for Christmas/birthdays and my eldest sister actually paid for extra copies to give to friends. My grown daughter, however, has not read any of my books and thinks of my writing as "Mom's little hobby".

I have a wall that very few people have been allowed behind. My husband, my mother and two close friends know my pen name. My husband is the only one who has read any of my books and I quite prefer it that way.

Other friends, coworkers and family know I write, but they don't know specifics, other than it being spicy romance (they have no idea just how spicy!). My RL career is very much in the public eye, so I prefer to keep my writing life behind the veil.

I haven't found that a wall is necessary. I have two groups of friends. Group one is made up of family and friends I've known a long time, or meet in daily life outside of writing. They have no interest in writing. I need no wall because the subject never comes up. I have no interest in talking about writing with any of them, anyway. Writing is not my life, it's just one small aspect of life. When I'm with this group, I tall politics, cars, movies, etc. I go hunting or fishing or shooting, etc. There's no wall, there's simply no reason to talk about something none of us care about.

Group two is made up solely of writers. We meet regularly, talk, laugh, eat, drink, whine and complain about this or that aspect of writing and publishing, etc. A wall would be silly with this group because we're all writers.

I'm too soft skinned not to have a wall, to be honest.

I get my feelings hurt if someone wants to read my books then never do; so now I just don't talk about it. Every now and then I'll brainstorm with my brother since he's the only person I know with a wild imagination like mine. We can get started on something then continue to babble about it an hour later.

My husband is out of his mind curious about my writing, but he tends to do the whole, "Oh, that sounds like this," thing. For example, when I told him we were going to watch Divergent, he wanted to know what it was about and as soon as I told him his comment was, "That sounds just like Hunger Games. Why would they make something so similar?" Of course, it's different, but he does that the moment I say an idea. Drives me crazy! So, I rarely talk to him about the writing and one day if I ever think it's good enough, I'll let him read it.

I try to keep my real life invisible from my readers, but I don't try to hide my writing from my real life. My real life friends mostly aren't interested, though, although my father (and sometimes brother) digs it, as do a few of my online friends.

I struggle with putting up walls because I like to show off, haha.

It helps that my friends are supportive of everything I do because I surround myself with nice people and push out those who are too judgemental or poisonous.

I don't really have any non-mainstream views though, and the most "controversial" things I have in my stories are magic and moderate violence.

I am very passionate about writing, and along with that I never know when to just shut up. I always tell everyone about me writing and stuff and even show a few people my unfinished book to see what they think. Unfortunately I have a few toxic people in my life and they constantly will be negative about my writing and basically saying it sucks. Because of those people lately I have been keeping it more private. Which to me totally sucks because I am an open book, but at the same time I know I am a very self deprecating person where I think my writing sucks and when I am on a role and think otherwise, I see eyes roll and comments made and it just ruins my self-esteem. That is why I am glad I have this website now. People who have the same passion for writing, people who can help me and maybe I can help them. At the same time if someone asks what I do, I tell them the basics "Oh well I am caring for my mother and grandmother who both had a stroke, and am also working on my first novel. I am an aspiring writer" So I don't conceal the fact I write, but I am no longer sharing my writing with friends or family. (Sorry that was way more than I intended to write)

I don't really find walls necessary. The people in my life know I write but most aren't all that interested in the process. I have other interests that mesh more with theirs so that's what we talk about. Occasionally they'll ask how my current project is going but that's about it. I save my writerly discussions for writers I know personally and those I meet online.

To me it's much the same as when I worked in the legal profession. I didn't talk about it with anyone outside of law. It has it's own language as does writing and I didn't want to bore anyone who didn't know the language.

I do keep some separation as a rule. I'm fortunate in that the people closest to me are very supportive of my writing and willing to talk about it with me if I want to, but they don't push to actually read my stuff, or seem to care much about reading it unless I specifically ask if they'd like to.

I don't care so much about maintaining separation when it comes to my mainstream original fiction. But I write a lot of erotica and fanfic as well, and would rather not have that associated with my real name, or read by my family.

I really don't like the premise here. "A wall between writing and real life"? Since when is writing not real life? It's just as real as being a plumber, a mechanic, or a police officer.

Writing is just something I do, just as fixing toilets is something a plumber does. There's nothing unreal about either.

Writing is real life. If it isn't, I think you're going about it all wrong.

This is a tricky dance because I work for an institution where I get a tuition discount on my MFA degree, and my superiors are aware of my writing habit. Because of this, I need to devote the necessary energy (40 hours/wk + other duties as assigned) to my day job. Otherwise, I can get in potentially hot water. (Example: I had a near miss with a required class (a pre-requisite offered once a year) that conflicted with a departmental meeting. Luckily, the meeting time will change, so it's a non-issue.) There are aspects I love about my job, but sometimes I wish I had more time and energy to grow as a writer.

As for people in my personal life, I'm honest about how serious I am about my writing, but explain that it's a very long process, and that I'm still learning.

I'd be interested to know if anyone else is juggling the day job/writing dance, and how extensively your bosses/superiors know about it.

I used to keep my writing secret from everyone except my husband, sister, and a close friend, but since I quit my job people have a habit of asking what I do now, and I tell them. The only thing is that most of them go from really interested in what I'm doing to thinking I'm crazy the minute I say writer.

As JAR said, there isn't a wall between real me and writer me because they're one and the same. My immediate family knows I write. Beyond that, its just not something I discuss with my RL friends or in-laws. And I have an odd demarcation with my social media. Most of it is set up as either Shadow Ferret or my pen name.

Except for Facebook where I use my real name, have some real friends and relatives and some AW and other writer friends, and where I post everything about my life including writing, submissions, and rejections.

I tend to view what I'm writing just as I view any great idea I want to pursue. And that means not revealing much or any of it to others (spouse and one close friend excepted).

I find that in the telling there is a loss of energy and spirit. Have you ever felt that? I'm sure that sounds a little hokie if you haven't felt it, but I've been aware of it all my life. The more I reveal to others (especially in the early stages) about any project I am working or hope to work, the more they seem to suck the life out of it.

It's not really their 'fault', but forming ideas, to me, is like making babies. It's an incredible experience and one that I treasure and want to do as often as possible. But I don't want to share the experience with others till I have something to show for it, because they may mock it or marginalize it's value by the tone of their questions or even just by treating it as less than the holy ground it is.

So... not a wall so much as blinds on the window.

That I write I want to share with the whole world... but what I write I never want to share till done.

randi.lee said:

I wonder if anyone faces the same feelings: I tend to keep my "writing life" and my "real life" separate: I don't share my blog posts, my works-in-progress or even some of my publications with the people in my life.

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I don't talk about my writing because it drains away both my creativity and my motivation. I take it to my critique group only after the first draft and sometimes later than that.

iLion said:

I tend to view what I'm writing just as I view any great idea I want to pursue. And that means not revealing much or any of it to others (spouse and one close friend excepted).

I find that in the telling there is a loss of energy and spirit. Have you ever felt that? I'm sure that sounds a little hokie if you haven't felt it, but I've been aware of it all my life. The more I reveal to others (especially in the early stages) about any project I am working or hope to work, the more they seem to suck the life out of it.

It's not really their 'fault', but forming ideas, to me, is like making babies. It's an incredible experience and one that I treasure and want to do as often as possible. But I don't want to share the experience with others till I have something to show for it, because they may mock it or marginalize it's value by the tone of their questions or even just by treating it as less than the holy ground it is.

So... not a wall so much as blinds on the window.

That I write I want to share with the whole world... but what I write I never want to share till done.

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This pretty much sums it up for me as well. There are maybe like three people who know I write: My boyfriend, who really doesn't care that much, a friend who expressed interest in writing herself, and my dad, who's a commercial writer and always wanted to write a novel but never finished anything.

But nobody knows what I write about. I like to make big accomplishments almost in secret so that I can have something to show for my effort once I do reveal it. I also kind of feel like the magic would disappear if I shared the story with someone else before it was ready. Someone else put it as "My motivation for writing is to tell the story. If I talk about it with people, then the story is told. My work is done."

Outside of workshops I take at the school I go to, I rarely let anyone I know see my work.

I'm pretty young and haven't been published yet, and maybe if I get published, I won't mind sharing that stuff with family and friends. But to share something that is still a WIP feels way too dangerous, to me anyway.

I used to tell everyone I'm an aspiring writer, but I think it's better if I just keep my mouth shut until I accomplish something.

cmi0616 said:

Outside of workshops I take at the school I go to, I rarely let anyone I know see my work.

I'm pretty young and haven't been published yet, and maybe if I get published, I won't mind sharing that stuff with family and friends. But to share something that is still a WIP feels way too dangerous, to me anyway.

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I've been writing for thirty-five years, I've had a ton of stuff published, but I still don't let anyone see my work until it's published. Once it is published, I give copies to darned near everyone I know, as long as it isn't something they aren't supposed to know I write.

I don't consciously erect a wall, but there is some separation. I'll talk to my husband about the joys and frustrations of writing and about the writing community in general, and he usually engages with me, but I have to be careful not to babble too much, or he'll interpret my maunderings as a request for advice rather than simply venting or bouncing ideas. The rest of my friends and family outside of the folks I've met at writing workshops or on sites like this one simply aren't that interested in talking about the nuts and bolts of writing, though they may enjoy hearing about the story I'm working on in a more general sense.

I don't know that writing is all that different from other endeavors.

I try to remind myself what it feels like when friends with kids start talking about the logistics of parenting (PTA meetings, nastiness in the "mommy and me" group they belong to, the stress of driving three kids to all their activities). Even when I know and love the kid in question, those aren't the kinds of things I want to talk about (though funny stories about something the kid in question did or said are entertaining).

That's what talking too much about the frustrating details of writing is like to non writers, I'd imagine.