Funny Fake Author Bio's

I like this idea, and I think I'll give it a try:

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Sean D. Schaffer is the author of twenty-five novels, seventy-five short stories, and fifteen epic poems of such note that to mention every award he has ever won would take more than the space allotted.

In his new book, The Chronicles of Eiqneiezosheeahekhiffhekginn, Schaffer shows once again his mastery of the English language, his love of adventure, and his amazing ability to make up words that actually can be pronounced!

Mr. Schaffer lives in his giant mansion on the top of Mount Hood, Oregon, right by the summit, with his future wife, whom he hasn't met yet, and his computer.

I did a fake one too. http://www.absolutwrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1224183&postcount=42 I've always been good at faking it.

Alright...I couldn't wait.
For my pseudonym (just so ya'll don't stalk me, heh)

"Ellie Peterson's breakout fiction novel hit, The Breakout, heralded a new rising meteor in thriller/romance/urban fantasy/literary fiction. Her unabashed adjective use and Emily Dickenson-esque use of grammar and punctuation in novels has made her literally standout in literary circles. Her following best seller The Standout, was the talk of New York City, and was compared with other great works like The Da Vinci Code, any of the Star Trek series, and Atlanta Nights. Her avante garde style is so refreshing it is like a shock of cold water to the brain, and can be seen at it's best in her newest sci-fi/mystery/erotica/poetry compilation, A Shock of Cold Water to the Brain. Also, stay on the lookout for her newest magnum opus, The Lookout."


***

lmao. Should I be proud of my ability to write so poorly?

WittyandorIronic said:

Alright...I couldn't wait.
For my pseudonym (just so ya'll don't stalk me, heh)

"Ellie Peterson's breakout fiction novel hit, The Breakout, heralded a new rising meteor in thriller/romance/urban fantasy/literary fiction. Her unabashed adjective use and Emily Dickenson-esque use of grammar and punctuation in novels has made her literally standout in literary circles. Her following best seller The Standout, was the talk of New York City, and was compared with other great works like The Da Vinci Code, any of the Star Trek series, and Atlanta Nights. Her avante garde style is so refreshing it is like a shock of cold water to the brain, and can be seen at it's best in her newest sci-fi/mystery/erotica/poetry compilation, A Shock of Cold Water to the Brain. Also, stay on the lookout for her newest magnum opus, The Lookout."


***

lmao. Should I be proud of my ability to write so poorly?

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I love it! Just plain love it!

Sparkle Gonzales, the new voice of the hood, is a popular flash fiction tagger from the ghettos of East Los Angeles. Her short, short stories, dirty limmericks, haikus and lists of her closest friends can be found on bridges, underpasses, large rocks at all public parks and the occasional idling limo, and are available free to the public. After an extensive session with her Hooked on Phonics tapes, spanning nearly two hours, she has written her first novel. Nearly all of the words are spelled correctly and she even managed to format a page or two with a paragraph break. It's exciting to see a fresh face so full of promise in the literary world. I'm sure you'll be reading many reviews of her first novel, an epic romance titled, Baby Daddy, A Tale of Growing up Ghetto, as soon as someone in the literary world can decipher it's sophisticated and convoluted message.

OK, I tried something a little different. I hope you don't mind. But it's in the same spirit and what I'd like to see once published.

It's a forum thread...




Greatwriterwannabe: OMG! Can you believe all the hoopla about this new book by Mr. B. Fingers? It SUCKS!!


DwightTwiddle: do you mean The Michaelangelo Enigma?


Verygoodwords: You mean the Crapolangelo Enigma



DwightTwiddle: LOL!!


Wyter: Omigawd! What trash!


Greatwriterwannabe: Yeah. The crap enigma. He was on a talk show the other day.


DwightTwaddle: That must’ve been a hoot. I can’t believe he even calls himself a writer.


Spellsfyne: It’s like the best-selling best-seller of all time. I’m sick of seeing it.


Grammarnazi: I know! People are stooopid!



Verbalist: I agree. I guarantee if any first time writer tried sending in something like that, it’d be burned in its envelope. He must’ve slept with someone. I know it.


Poemsisme: It’s so cliché. I mean cmon! I could write better than that with my hands tied behind my back


Wyter: I know! He should be ashamed of himself!


Readinandritin: I can’t believe he even calls himself a writer!


Readinandritin: Oops, didn’t see someone said that already. Well, he SUCKS!


Grammarnazi: it made me want to claw my eyeballs out. Literally


Screenplaydude: did u c that they just signed to make it a movie?


Everybody: Nooooooo!!!!!!


Newbie: I kinda liked the book.


Everybody: Acccckkkkkk!! You know nothing!! Noob!!! Arrrggghhhh!!!

brokenfingers said:

Poemsisme: It’s so cliché. I mean cmon! I could write better than that with my hands tied behind my back

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SparkleGonzales: I often type with my face, it gives me a new perspective on my writing.

Jimmy B is a wannabe an aspiring writer, with not a single publishing credit to his name. He can be found most days, studiously not writing at his laptop, or out somewhere, pen and notebook tucked into his bag, unused.
His work has been compared to many literary greats. One reviewer said "The writing is horrific, like a monster out of a Stephen King novel"
Recently, Jimmy has begun work on a free online serial, Destiny Deceived. Of the serial, he says "I realised no-one was going to buy the crap that flows from my pen, so I thought I'd give it away." Jimmy has been accused of over doing it with the shameless self promotion of Destiny Deceived, dropping links to Destiny Deceived all over his forum posts.
Destiny Deceived has a whole one regular viewer, a technophobic old man who keeps clicking the link by mistake. The writing is so bad, it nearly gives me a stroke every time." he is quoted as saying.
Jimmy lives in Ireland, though he is not Irish, and continues to frequent writer's websites, even though by most people's standards, his lazy ass cannot be considered a writer.

Oh the self deprecating British humour

My alter ego is a woman...

Effy Mifflin is the author of seven critically acclaimed literary tomes. Many have claimed to have read all seven. (Some readers claimed to be a little more than perplexed by her works of fiction, which lead to the rather nasty nickname of Effin Miffed.) Once accused by her peers of being long-winded, Effy has spent the last twenty years of her life participating in a vow of silence. She believes words speak louder than voices. To this end, she has since written several volumes on the writing process and her choice to stop speaking. Her first book on writing, How to Write a Sequel, was a smashing success. This was immediately followed by the sequel Why the Hell Would Anybody Want to Write a Sequel? Mifflin has become an expert in the art of non-speak. Her first book on the subject of vows of silence, Shut the Hell Up and Say Something Important is said to have started the phenomenon of non-speak. Since this break-out success, Mifflin has penned six other books on non-speak, including, Listen to What I’m Not Saying and That’s Easy for You to Say, I can’t Speak. She is currently working on the last sequel to her non-speak series, How the Hell Do I Start Speaking Again Without Disillusioning My Readers?

Effin Miffed

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I read her book for ESL non-speakers entitled, Chutup Ju Cod Demmit. It was riveting.

KTC said:

Effy Mifflin is the author of seven critically acclaimed literary tomes. Many have claimed to have read all seven. (Some readers claimed to be a little more than perplexed by her works of fiction, which lead to the rather nasty nickname of Effin Miffed.) Once accused by her peers of being long-winded, Effy has spent the last twenty years of her life participating in a vow of silence. She believes words speak louder than voices. To this end, she has since written several volumes on the writing process and her choice to stop speaking. Her first book on writing, How to Write a Sequel, was a smashing success. This was immediately followed by the sequel Why the Hell Would Anybody Want to Write a Sequel? Mifflin has become an expert in the art of non-speak. Her first book on the subject of vows of silence, Shut the Hell Up and Say Something Important is said to have started the phenomenon of non-speak. Since this break-out success, Mifflin has penned six other books on non-speak, including, Listen to What I’m Not Saying and That’s Easy for You to Say, I can’t Speak. She is currently working on the last sequel to her non-speak series, How the Hell Do I Start Speaking Again Without Disillusioning My Readers?

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She's really quite exceptional.

skelly said:

Kudos to the Hal Spacejock dude for yWriter. I don't know if I can use this thing or not, but it is a BLAST to play with. Thank you.

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You're welcome ;-) OT, but I put yWriter 4 beta online earlier this week, and it's rapidly evolving into the best one yet. I'm using it for Nano 2007.

Bartholomew von Klick currently resides beneath a bridge in Moscow, emerging only to collect a toll when passers by cross the river. He is the author of the national best-seller, "100 Reasons Not To Kill It Before You Eat It," and "How To Serve Man." His recipes for Long-Pig are recognized all over the third world.

A lovely thread to come across. I've done several of these for theatre in the past with my Gilbert and Sullivan group so these are for me as an actor rather than as a writer but I hope they still fit in.For anyone who knows the operas, for the first, I was Wilfred in Yeomen of the Guard, the second Dick Deadeye in HMS Pinafore, the third Don Alambra in The Gondoliers and the fourth was for Lord Mountarrarat in Iolanthe. As I say, not really writing as such but I hope OK for this thread.

Stuart was constructed in a laboratory in Milton Keynes circa 1974. He was moved to the Cambridge Artificial Intelligence centre briefly in 1981 before it was determined this had been omitted in his design. He suffered the fate of so many of the mindless and found employment in central government until faults in his design began to show, including his memory, his auditory and vocal systems, the diodes down his left hand side and his memory. Now haunting an electronic components retailer, he struggles to repair himself and to find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.

Stuart is a professional disruptive influence. Managing to fit in theatre with this major work commitment can be a struggle at times but he is delighted to be playing Dick Deadeye as it means he will have to apply far less makeup than usual to detract from his everyday appearance. Indeed, any makeup that is accidently spilled onto his shirt can now be put as a tick in the 'character' box, rather than everyone (obviously erroneously) thinking that he is messy… Though any comments about it not being an acting stretch will not be appreciated!

Stuart is delighted to come out as a member of the Spanish Inquisition for this show but was greatly disappointed by the lack of soft cushions and comfy chairs provided at rehearsals, forcing him to torture people with his voice and acting instead. Stuart was particularly pleased to have a religious role again, having been thrown out of Sunday school for heresy. He had been in the theatre for over 30 years until the police found his hideout and moved him on. More recently, he has misplaced his favourite pen.

Stuart (Mountararat) is returning to G&S after a seven-year absence, having promised to behave himself this time. He originally intended to lurk in the chorus, but the lure of playing a patriotic, misogynistic buffoon was too strong; however, as a firm believer in the hereditary principle, he was annoyed to find that he had to audition rather than getting the role by right as the director's brother. Taking method acting to extremes, Stuart has prepared for his role by observing politicians as a Whitehall mandarin for three years.

Did someone say zombies?