Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

ccarver30 said:

Wow, there's a lot of NOTHING going on. Everyone is boring and not actively doing anything (e.g. "thinking"). You switch from Eloise to Allen is a jumpcut that could break a neck. I immediately do not care about these characters which means I would not read any more of the book. Where's the LIFE? You should start there. You can SHOW me these people are schlumps instead of telling me.

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in a way, I might be okay with that - not the you not reading more bit, but the nothing bit.

This scene goes on to contrast a very busy hospital scene with the dullness of an apartment building. Having said that, I can see that this could be done with a lot more showing than telling. Thanks!

dkamin said:

I'm not sure where this is going either. The writing isn't bad, but I don't know if the main character is the mother, the child, or even the king. If it is the child (I'm kinda guessing it is?), then I would suggest skipping forward A LOT. "In the beginning" works for the bible and that's about it (ok, the lion king too).

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Well, it was supposed to be the child, (I guess I should have clarified, this is the first 3 of the prologue) but as i wrote it turned into the King being main. I think I may just re-write the prologue which leads up to the child being the main, or just skip having a prologue....???? don't know??? I'm pretty new to writing...so I change my mind a lot.

ccarver30 said:

Go rub your cottontail on a stripper pole!

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Is it Friday already?

Red, I agree with cc's observation about showing, but I like the immediacy with which you're setting the tone for your MC to obviously be thrust into some type of frenetic circumstance. With some tweaking I think it can be a very effective beginning.


Peas out.

RedRam said:

This is great. I love the idea of being able to try out tiny bits of prose. It's like tapas for writers - which isn't to say that actual tapas should be avoided by writers.

"Eloise Margaret Townsend was born on a very boring day, which was a poor predictor for her later life. In Green Towers, the apartment complex where her parents rented the little one bedroom that overlooked the alley, most people did nothing that day. Allen Warren, who lived downstairs from the Townsends, spent a lot of time thinking about how he should lose some weight, and very little time actively losing the same."

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I like your writing style Unfortunately, there’s nothing happening here.

As ccarver30 said, the jump from Eloise to Allen is jarring.

I don’t usually mind large asides in the middle of a thought, like shown in your second sentence. However, the mention of “that day” at the end threw me off for a second. I started off that sentence thinking this was going to be a description about how Eloise grew up.

This is how my train of thought went:
Birth (Hm) -> Her later life (Oh, so we’re going to talk about how she grew up!) -> Green Towers (So she had boring neighbors) -> That day (Wait, what?)

As you can see, the mention of her later life made me think that’s what you were going to lead into. Maybe you should mention the date of her birth earlier in the second sentence. e.g. “On that particular day, the residents of Green Tower blah blah.”

Would I continue reading? Why or why not?
70% no. If I opened up a book and read these opening lines, I would give up almost every time. On some days, I am in the mood for a story that starts off slowly, in which case I would continue reading. However, you’d only get one more paragraph to hook me.

BethS said:

First, consider not opening the first sentence with a dependent clause (generally a position of weakness). It only looks like you've tried to cram in too much information. The bit about his eyes smarting from the smoke is a nice sensual touch, but it could be mentioned later. It's just not an important fact for the reader to know in the first sentence.

Second, does he know the names of the old man and the young woman? Or at least their roles? (i.e., priest and priestess, wizard and acolyte, etc.)

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Point taken about the first sentence. But the scene is supposed to be vague and oblique, while hopefully intriguing enough to keep the reader going for at least a while.

The WIP is a murder mystery with occult overtones. One of the themes is our WIP, Todd, learning about a tradition that is to him (and probably most readers) relatively unknown and about which there are many stereotypes.

This scene is actually a flashforward, and the following pages are partly meant to answer Todd's question, how did he get into this. By the time we get to this scene again, Todd knows exactly who the old man and the young woman are, and we know exactly what he's doing. The intent was that this contrast mirrors the experience of the reader: the first time, you experience the scene very much as an outsider, the second time, you are intimately immersed in it.

This is the entire first scene. The next scene opens with the MC in a coffee shop, awaiting the arrival of an old girlfriend. Although she shows up in a couple of paragraphs and in the course of their conversation sets up the central mystery of the novel, I didn't feel it was strong enough to open on its own. (Although it's better than the first draft opening, which was a dream sequence *shudder*.)

Dorky said:

I like your writing style Unfortunately, there’s nothing happening here.

As ccarver30 said, the jump from Eloise to Allen is jarring.

I don’t usually mind large asides in the middle of a thought, like shown in your second sentence. However, the mention of “that day” at the end threw me off for a second. I started off that sentence thinking this was going to be a description about how Eloise grew up.

This is how my train of thought went:
Birth (Hm) -> Her later life (Oh, so we’re going to talk about how she grew up!) -> Green Towers (So she had boring neighbors) -> That day (Wait, what?)

As you can see, the mention of her later life made me think that’s what you were going to lead into. Maybe you should mention the date of her birth earlier in the second sentence. e.g. “On that particular day, the residents of Green Tower blah blah.”

Would I continue reading? Why or why not?
70% no. If I opened up a book and read these opening lines, I would give up almost every time. On some days, I am in the mood for a story that starts off slowly, in which case I would continue reading. However, you’d only get one more paragraph to hook me.

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a) Thank you so much, those are really good points. b) Man, you guys are the most intense readers I've ever met. I don't think I've ever given up on a book in fewer than 50 pages. Maybe I don't read enough, or maybe I only read things I've had recommended to me but wow. I'll have to keep all that in mind as I keep going.

Wow, I'm going through the thread and I have seen some really good openings!

I'm not good at critiquing because I'm still learning myself, so I'm not sure if I should try?

Anyway, I have two openings, because I'm not sure at the moment where the story will start because I'm pantsing/discovery writing some parts of my outline.

One opening:

"Don't eat that!" I gripped her wrist before the bubble gum could reach her mouth. The thought of human flesh being chewed, stretched and popped made my stomach churn.

I was wondering if "made my stomach churn" is too cliche of a phrase or even if it was used correctly in this context?

My other opening is this:

Landing onto your mentor's car will certainly make an impression. Both figuratively and literally.

^Does the above quote make sense to you?

bunny-gypsy said:

Wow, I'm going through the thread and I have seen some really good openings!

I'm not good at critiquing because I'm still learning myself, so I'm not sure if I should try?

Anyway, I have two openings, because I'm not sure at the moment where the story will start because I'm pantsing/discovery writing some parts of my outline.

One opening:



I was wondering if "made my stomach churn" is too cliche of a phrase or even if it was used correctly in this context?

My other opening is this:



^Does the above quote make sense to you?

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I'm new to the critiquing, too, so take all this with a shaker of salt.

I like the first intro more than the second, as it grabs attention so quickly with its oddness. Nickpicky: I'd change 'bubble gum' to 'gum'. I think it reader more smoothly.

On the second one I don't really have feedback, except to say that I think it should be 'on' not 'onto'. You jump onto something, then you land on it.

Cheers.

RedRam said:

This is great. I love the idea of being able to try out tiny bits of prose. It's like tapas for writers - which isn't to say that actual tapas should be avoided by writers.

"Eloise Margaret Townsend was born on a very boring day, which was a poor predictor for her later life. In Green Towers, the apartment complex where her parents rented the little one bedroom that overlooked the alley, most people did nothing that day. Allen Warren, who lived downstairs from the Townsends, spent a lot of time thinking about how he should lose some weight, and very little time actively losing the same."

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Interesting voice. Omniscient POV.

But I think I'd rather keep hearing about Eloise. At this point, hearing about Allen feels like sidetracking.

teeta6404 said:

Well, it was supposed to be the child, (I guess I should have clarified, this is the first 3 of the prologue) but as i wrote it turned into the King being main. I think I may just re-write the prologue which leads up to the child being the main, or just skip having a prologue....???? don't know??? I'm pretty new to writing...so I change my mind a lot.

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My advice?

Unless the entire story will fall apart without the prologue, skip it.

Zig Bigfoot said:

Point taken about the first sentence. But the scene is supposed to be vague and oblique, while hopefully intriguing enough to keep the reader going for at least a while.

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You can be oblique and mysterious and still write vividly and include interesting details. In your version, the candle and the shadows get more description than the old man and the young woman.

This is the entire first scene. The next scene opens with the MC in a coffee shop, awaiting the arrival of an old girlfriend.

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Is the reader going to understand that the story has just jumped backwards in time?

Although she shows up in a couple of paragraphs and in the course of their conversation sets up the central mystery of the novel, I didn't feel it was strong enough to open on its own.

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I dunno -- I think it sounds like it could be a better opening, and it's far less gimmicky. Open it with an intriguing sentence that poses a question the reader will want to know the answer to. Then the reader will stick with you as the scene unfolds.

bunny-gypsy said:

Anyway, I have two openings, because I'm not sure at the moment where the story will start because I'm pantsing/discovery writing some parts of my outline.


One opening:

Quote:
"Don't eat that!" I gripped her wrist before the bubble gum could reach her mouth. The thought of human flesh being chewed, stretched and popped made my stomach churn.
I was wondering if "made my stomach churn" is too cliche of a phrase or even if it was used correctly in this context?

My other opening is this:

Quote:
Landing onto your mentor's car will certainly make an impression. Both figuratively and literally.
^Does the above quote make sense to you?

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I like the first opening. The commonplace nature of "churn" doesn't bother me as much after the stronger visual of the human flesh part. Though, it does make me curious why we're equating gum with flesh. (Enough to keep reading)

RedRam said:

a) Thank you so much, those are really good points. b) Man, you guys are the most intense readers I've ever met. I don't think I've ever given up on a book in fewer than 50 pages. Maybe I don't read enough, or maybe I only read things I've had recommended to me but wow. I'll have to keep all that in mind as I keep going.

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I have trouble finishing reading because I get distracted by my own thoughts a lot. Basically, you have to get me sucked into a story right away so I can ignore myself There are exceptions though (like if I’ve had a nice, calm day).

bunny-gypsy said:

Wow, I'm going through the thread and I have seen some really good openings!

I'm not good at critiquing because I'm still learning myself, so I'm not sure if I should try?

Anyway, I have two openings, because I'm not sure at the moment where the story will start because I'm pantsing/discovery writing some parts of my outline.

One opening:

My other opening is this:

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I think you should try critiquing. Recognizing problems in someone else’s work will also help you recognize problems in your own.

First opening:
I’m in love with the serial comma, so I’ll go ahead and say you should use it. The stomach churn part is a bit cliche, but I think it’s an apt description. My stomach did the same thing when I read that and thought of what it’d be like.

Second:
It makes sense.
Landing on, not onto.

Tip: Don’t put your own writing in a quote. If I quote you, what you quoted won’t show up


Would I continue reading? Why or why not?
First opening:
Yes. I love the idea of bubble-gum flesh. It makes me recoil in revulsion, but then I want to continue reading to figure out what’s going on.

Second opening:
Most likely. I want to know who is landing on a car and why.

BethS said:

My advice?

Unless the entire story will fall apart without the prologue, skip it.

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Ok, I could re-write the first probably paragraph and go without the prologue...or maybe Ill leave it for now and come back at the end and decide if I truly need it. It gives basically one piece of important info that I am not sure how to weave into the story without it....

bunny-gypsy said:

Landing onto your mentor's car will certainly make an impression. Both figuratively and literally.

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Well, I laughed out loud, so... yeah, this works for me. I'd keep reading.

But like a few others mentioned, it should be "Landing on" and not "landing onto."

Nice opening!

Thanks for the feedback on my quotes!

I originally had it so the bubble-gum incident occurs sometime after the landing-on-mentor's-car thing, because by then, the MC has already met the mentors. The bubble-gum girl comes later in the story to create a contrast with the MC. However, I'm still exploring my outline and starting the draft, so the order could change (and car-incident could just be referred to or flash-backed to briefly).

That's what I love about writing--anything can happen!

Thanks, Dorky. I'll try critiquing one of these days.

RedRam said:

in a way, I might be okay with that - not the you not reading more bit, but the nothing bit.

This scene goes on to contrast a very busy hospital scene with the dullness of an apartment building. Having said that, I can see that this could be done with a lot more showing than telling. Thanks!

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I suggest you begin with the busy hospital scene.

This came to me this morning. No idea where it's going yet, but I'll listen to the voice today and see what his story is...

"I worked for IAD in NYPD back then. Interfering Assholes Department as it’s known in the trenches. My name’s Connors, but around here they mostly call me Serpico, or shit-head, depending on whether they’re in a good mood or not. They’re mostly not."

williemeikle said:

This came to me this morning. No idea where it's going yet, but I'll listen to the voice today and see what his story is...

"I worked for IAD in NYPD back then. Interfering Assholes Department as it’s known in the trenches. My name’s Connors, but around here they mostly call me Serpico, or shit-head, depending on whether they’re in a good mood or not. They’re mostly not."

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Ooh, I can see the fedora, smell the cigar, and taste the scotch. I would keep reading. I think you can cut some words though, maybe leave off "in the trenches," "or not," and "They're."

From my current literary doings:


I got outta bed & spat blood in the basin. It’s the drugs. This world means nothing at all. You stick a spike in your veins & it’s like you’re possessed. I am suddenly edging towards the end now, closing in on death, flesh & bone decaying by the second.

u.v.ray said:

From my current literary doings:


I got outta bed & spat blood in the basin. It’s the drugs. This world means nothing at all. You stick a spike in your veins & it’s like you’re possessed. I am suddenly edging towards the end now, closing in on death, flesh & bone decaying by the second.

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I really like the voice and it's a great beginning, I would keep reading. If you wanted me to get nit picky, the only suggestion would be to take out suddenly, not because it is an adverb, but because from what I have read, it doesn't seem to fit (maybe the next few paragraphs would make it work though).

williemeikle said:

This came to me this morning. No idea where it's going yet, but I'll listen to the voice today and see what his story is...

"I worked for IAD in NYPD back then. Interfering Assholes Department as it’s known in the trenches. My name’s Connors, but around here they mostly call me Serpico, or shit-head, depending on whether they’re in a good mood or not. They’re mostly not."

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I so wish I had your flair for beginnings!

My current WiP:

"He stepped down from the helicopter before the guards could shove him out. The ground was crunchy and unpaved. Cold, too, the kind of cold that seeped up through the rubber soles of his sneakers and lodged in the bones of his feet."